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“That’s not possible.” Trinity’s hand stilled, the bread resting in the tea. “Hugh would never allow—”
“Hugh doesn’t know everything,” said Gaar.
“I have to tell him.” She didn’t want to. He didn’t need another thing to worry about. Guilt slid into her stomach, making it twist. She should be at Dr. Kalper’s eliminating one worry for him but instead she was here.
“How’s he doing?” Gaar’s dark eyes locked with hers. He knew. He always knew.
“Good.” She glanced at the bread in her hand. It was full and thick, filling with water but not breaking apart. It was too strong for that, unlike her.
“So good that you had to travel for miles early in the morning for a cup of tea and bread at my house?” He patted her forearm. “I’m glad to see you, and you’re always welcome, but what’s wrong, Little One?”
She took a bite of the semi-soggy bread, delaying her answer.
“I can wait all day.”
She swallowed, putting the rest of the bread down and finishing her tea. “It’s nothing. Really.”
“Nothing wouldn’t send you across the city and into the forest.”
“It’s not that far.” She’d been happy but surprised when Gaar and Tatania had chosen to stay so close to the city. The other Handlers had gone deep into the forest to make their homes.
“Far enough and answer my question.”
“Hugh’s good. We’re both good but...” She felt so disloyal saying it. “I hate the city.”
“You may want to reconsider your mate.” He frowned at her. “Now, tell me the real reason.”
“Reconsider my mate?” The words came out sharper than she’d meant. She lowered her voice when his eyes narrowed. “I love Hugh. I don’t want another mate.”
“Then you’d better figure out a way to accept the city.”
“Hugh hates the city too. We’ll be moving to the forest soon.”
Gaar’s eyes darted to Tatania who shook her head slightly as she filled their cups again.
“We will.” Obviously, they didn’t believe her, but it was the truth.
“You really think Hugh is going to move to the forest? Who will lead if he leaves? Who will hold that much power and still be fair?” asked Gaar.
“He’s setting that up. He’s making a new government. Changing the way everything is done. Once that’s in place, we’re leaving.”
Gaar studied her, his black eyes seeing too much.
“He doesn’t want this.” She rambled, trying to convince herself more than him. “He doesn’t like being in power.”
“That’s why he’s the perfect Almighty for the job.”
“They’ll have to find someone else because we’re moving once everything is settled.”
“It’ll never be settled. Large groups like the ones here will always have problems. Each class will see things differently than the others. They need someone to guide them. Someone honest and fair. If Hugh leaves, those with their own agenda will take his place, and you know what happens in that kind of world.”
“Hugh’s not perfect. He does things like that too. Makes decisions for his purposes.”
“So there is more to your visit than hating the city.”
“I was talking about when he made you and the other Handlers take the serum even though he knew what it did to you.”
“He had his reasons.” Gaar scratched his chin.
“Yes. His reasons.” Just like why he wanted her on birth control instead of letting Araldo decide when they had young.
“His reasons were for the good of all.”
“Not the Handlers.”
“Immediately? No. But long term? Yes.”
“How was making you infertile, making some lose their young, good for Handlers in the long term?”
“Would you rather we’d been slaughtered in the streets? Imprisoned? That’s what would’ve happened if we’d lost the war. Even those of us who managed to escape would’ve been hunted and killed.”
“Of course, I don’t want that.” She had no idea why he was defending Hugh. Gaar didn’t hate Hugh, but he was supposed to be on her side.
“It’s time to grow up, Little One. Life doesn’t always give you easy choices.”
“Do you think I don’t know that? Nothing in my life has been easy. I was food.”
“We’re all food.”
Her jaw clenched. She knew better than to use that argument with him. What others saw as abhorrent cruelties he considered a natural part of life.
“I know things haven’t been easy for you, but they aren’t for anyone.” He leaned closer. “What I’m saying is Hugh had nothing but bad choices and he had to choose one of them. The difference between him and others is that he chose the one that’d benefit the majority, not just him.” He leaned back. “The decisions we make in bad situations tell a lot about us.”
“He doesn’t want to have offspring with me.” The words burst from her.
“What? Nonsense,” said Tatania.
“It’s true. I’m supposed to be at the doctor’s right now getting on birth control.” At their blank looks she explained. “There are things you can use and medicine you can take so the female doesn’t get pregnant.”
“Why would you do that? Nature decides.” Tatania glanced at Gaar.
“That’s what I said but Hugh...” She swallowed. “He doesn’t want to risk that. None of these methods are foolproof, but they usually work.”
“So it’s hobbling nature?” Gaar looked at Tatania, his face scrunched up in confusion.
“Yeah. Kind of like tying her hands.” She stared at her teacup.
“He doesn’t ever want offspring?” asked Gaar. “You need to find another mate.”
“He does. At least he says he wants them but not yet. Later when things have settled.”
“They’ll never settle completely.” Gaar repeated his words from earlier.
“I know and he wants us to get married.”
“Aren’t you bonded?” asked Tatania
“Yes. We bonded before the war, but that’s not enough for him.”
“That’s not his way,” said Gaar. “You chose him. He followed your tradition and bonded; you should follow his and marry.”
“I want to. I’m ready to marry him, but he wants a big wedding. We can’t do that now because he’s too busy. I suggested a small ceremony, but he wants to show the world that bonding between the classes is good and right and...” She stopped rambling. “Sorry.”
“He’s right.”
“What?” She hadn’t expected Gaar to take Hugh’s side on this.
“The world needs to see the two of you. A mixed breed Producer and Servant bonded...married to an Almighty. They need to see it happen and accept it.”
“But I...I...”
“You want young right now so badly that you can’t wait a while?” Gaar frowned at her.
“No.” She wanted babies eventually, but she really didn’t care when it happened.
“You can’t fix your problems, Little One, if you aren’t honest with yourself.” He tapped her forehead, none too gently. “When you’re in the forest you prepare for an attack from Brush-Men, Cold Creepers and others but do you worry about the River-Men?”
“Not unless I’m near the water.” That was basic training. Know the area and prepare for any possible danger.
“Exactly. You can’t fight this unhappiness if you’re looking for a River-Man in the trees.”
She stared at him, her real fear making her throat tighten. “Do you think he doesn’t love me enough?” she whispered. “Is that why he doesn’t make time to get married? He’s a leader now. I’m not a good mate for him. I’ll never fit in with the Almightys or in the city. I hate the meetings and the politics.”
“He loves you.” Gaar patted her hand.
“I’m not sure that’s enough.” She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it was too big, choking her with fear and uncertainty.
“You’ll have to decide that.” He took a gulp of his tea. “I’ve seen Hugh do many things that some would consider questionable but every decision he made was for the good of the war or the other classes, except when it came to you.”
“Me?”
“When you were shot, he killed for you. He killed to end the fighting. To force surrender. That turned many against him, but he did it for you.”
“I...” She’d heard about him killing the female from the Council, but she hadn’t thought about it this way.
“He loves you. You are the only one who can cause him to compromise his principles.”
“I don’t want him to do that.” As annoying as his principles could be, it was one of the things she loved most about him.
“Then don’t make him choose between you and them. He will choose you and then we’ll all lose.”