“MOM, DO YOU have a flashlight?” Kyle shuffled the boxes in his mother’s dank, gloomy basement. He could’ve sworn they’d multiplied since he’d left Modesto more than ten years ago.
“There’s one at the top of the stairs,” she called back. “Don’t take too long down there. Dinner’s almost ready.”
He finally found the cardboard box marked “Kyle’s Stuff,” musty and slightly warped by age and moisture. He brought it up to the kitchen where his mother stirred a pot of spaghetti sauce. Jess tossed a salad at the island. She looked up and grinned. “Find it?”
“Yup.” He set the box on the ground and opened it, rifling through the certificates, medals, photos and small trophies he’d accumulated throughout his wrestling career. He dug out the three velvet boxes holding the Olympic gold medals and opened each of them, laying them out on the kitchen table. Their beautifully etched faces winked up at him, reminding him of all the grueling training and sacrifice he’d endured to earn them. He didn’t know why he’d hidden them away like this. They should’ve been on display.
“Seems like a long way to come for some mementos,” Jess said, bringing the salad to the table at the same time his mother started dishing out pasta.
“I need them to remind me of something important.” He released a long breath. “But let’s eat before I tell you.”
After dinner, he sat them down, keeping the medals close by, and he told them about what had happened with Karla. Including how she’d raped him.
Jess gasped and grabbed his arm, and his mother covered her mouth with both her hands, eyes wide.
“Why didn’t you tell us before?” his sister demanded, her long nails digging into his forearm.
“I couldn’t. Until recently, I couldn’t even accept what’d happened or how it’d affected me. I thought I was fine.” He rubbed his palms against his thighs.
They asked him if he wanted to press charges, wanted to know what they could do to help. Their love and concern and utter lack of judgment wrapped him in a cozy blanket of safety. He cried in his mother’s arms for the first time since he was a child. But it wasn’t so much for his ordeal as it was the way his secret had affected his family. Mostly, they just wished that he hadn’t shut them out all this time.
“I’m sorry to dump this on you,” he said with a shuddering sigh.
“Never be sorry for sharing your problems with your family,” his mother said. “All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be healthy and happy. Now we need to focus on how to help you. I didn’t do anything when your father kicked Jess out, and I’ll never forgive myself for that.” She grabbed her daughter’s hand and squeezed.
They talked for a long time after that. Slowly, Kyle began to feel less heavy. Sharing a burden really did lighten the load.
It didn’t mean the road to recovery would be a short one. He didn’t want to think about filing charges—not now, anyhow, and maybe not ever. But he had to work through his feelings. He needed to get professional help.
Later he joined Jess outside as she sipped a lemonade. They sat in the worn old porch swing.
“Hey, squirt.” She punched him in the arm. “You doing okay?”
“Weirdly, yeah.”
“I watched Bella’s fight last week,” she said. “It was on at the bar I was at. I had them turn it up. Man, she’s something.”
“Yeah.”
“She doing okay? I mean, her face looked pretty bad.”
“It was, but I haven’t seen her since.”
“What? Why not? I thought you were training her. You were at the fight, weren’t you?”
“It’s kind of a long story.” He gave his sister the Cliff’s Notes version of everything that had happened between him and Bella. It felt like old times, when they were boys and best friends, before Dad had drawn a line in the sand and made Kyle choose sides.
Jess whistled and set her drink down. “So she knew about all that before we did, huh?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. You’ve spent too much time with regret. And I’m glad you told Bella. She must be something special.” She gave him a knowing look. “So...you haven’t told her the magical three words yet?”
Kyle shrugged, his cheeks heating. It was weird hearing it from his sister.
“C’mon, squirt. You keep this secret from your family and friends, but you tell a woman who scares the crap out of you? If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
He chuckled and relented. “You have a twisted sense of what the L word is.”
“Is it that hard to say?”
Yes. But he’d never said it to anyone before. “If she doesn’t say it back, I don’t think my ego can take it.”
“Hey.” Jess grabbed his shoulder and squeezed. “You know what really makes a man a man? Being strong enough to admit you’re afraid. Having the balls to risk everything for love.”
“Lame.”
She punched him in the arm. “Cut it out. Dad messed us all up with his super-macho chest-pounding man ideas. But he got one thing right. If you want something, you go after it. It takes a real man—or a real woman—to go after the things that make them happiest. Screw what other people think. Me? I wanted to wear dresses and feel pretty. I wanted boys to look at me and go ‘Wow.’ I wanted to be freaking Claudia Schiffer. It cost me, but I did pretty good in the end. I got what I wanted. Question is, what do you want?”
Kyle grinned. Jess was right.
That night, he slept. A solid ten hours without waking up in a cold sweat. He felt warm and safe and loved and cherished. He’d opened himself up to his family. And he didn’t feel any weaker for it.
It was time to go after what he wanted most.
* * *
BELLA CHECKED HER apartment one more time. She couldn’t shake the feeling she’d left something behind.
The furniture belonged to the apartment, so that wasn’t going anywhere. She’d donated a bunch of her clothes to Reta to use at the youth center. Her bike had been shipped back to São Paulo with her father and brother, who’d left a week after the fight. All she had to take with her was the single carry-on duffel bag.
There was just one thing left to do.
She grabbed a cab to Payette’s.
When she got there and walked in, Liz looked up, her eyes brightening with tears. “When’s your flight?”
“Not until eight. Thought I’d make it an extra-long goodbye to torture you all.”
Liz rounded the desk and hugged her. “I’m going to miss you. You’ll come and stay with me when you visit, right?”
“Of course.” Though she had a hard time imagining coming back here and letting the hurt sink its claws deep into her again. She needed to go home and be with her family while she healed. She needed to mend fences with her brothers and her grandfather.
She made the rounds, chatted with the guys, took turns giving Tito and Orville hugs and lifting them off the ground. Wayne practically sobbed as she held him. He kept patting her on the head, apologizing for the drama he’d caused, telling her how proud he was of her, how honored he’d been to work with her. Bella’s eyes burned as he clasped her hands and said, “Don’t let anyone ever give you shit about what you can and cannot do. You know yourself. Don’t let them tell you otherwise.”
“I never have.” She grinned.
Finally, it was time to say goodbye to Kyle. She hadn’t seen him around the gym, so she knocked on his office door. His desk chair faced the wall calendar. A big red check mark scored through her fight.
“Hey, Coach.” Her voice sounded rough and she cleared her throat. Damn Wayne’s waterworks.
She’d expected Kyle to spin around in his office chair like a Bond villain, fingers steepled. But there was no response. She walked farther in and rounded the desk. He wasn’t in his chair.
“He’s visiting his family in California,” Liz said softly. Bella turned to her, stricken. The receptionist licked her lips. “We were expecting him back this morning, but his flight was cancelled. My guess is he’s spending another day with his mom.”
“Oh.” Her chest ached. A tear slipped from the corner of her eye, and she wiped it away hastily. “I guess...I’ll have to leave this here with a note.”
She opened her duffel bag and took out the UFF championship belt. “Something to put in the display case up front.”
Liz’s eyes widened. “Bella, no, you can’t give us—”
“I want you to have it. I couldn’t have won it without everyone here. You guys deserve it.”
Once Liz left the office, Bella sat down at Kyle’s desk and pulled out a sheet of notepaper and a marker. The tip rested against the sheet, leaving a dark, spreading blot.
What was she supposed to say? Dear Kyle, I loved being here, I loved the staff, I love—
Another tear dripped from the tip of her nose and onto the sheet, leaving a big stain. She crumpled up the paper until it looked the way her heart felt.
She abandoned the letter. There weren’t any words she could leave behind to express her gratitude, her love.
No sense in prolonging the pain. She’d go to the airport and grab a sandwich. Maybe it’d help fill the big empty hole inside her.
She paused at the office door and drank in one last look at all she had left of Kyle.
Then she turned and ran straight into his chest with a scream.
“Nice to see you, too.” He rubbed at his ears.
She laughed to hide her sudden tears of relief. “Sorry. I was just on my way out. I thought you were stuck in California.” She let him pass and walked with him back into his office.
“I was. And then I was stuck in San Antonio. And Dallas. And I think I was in South Keys at some point. I’ve been in the air for almost twenty-two hours.”
“Smells that way.” She made a face, hoping it would mask the emotions rioting through her. “But why? You could’ve stayed with your mom an extra night.”
“No, I couldn’t. I had to get back. I’d never forgive myself if I let you leave.”
The air stopped up in her lungs. Kyle looked nervous all of a sudden and sniffed his armpits, scowling. “Sorry. I would’ve showered, but I swung by your apartment as soon as I arrived. You’d already gone. I thought maybe you were heading to the airport, but I hedged my bets that you’d come here first to say goodbye.” His fists clenched as he looked down at the big shiny belt on his desk. “Bella, you can’t give this to us.”
She smiled to hide her tears. “I want you to have it. Don’t argue with me.”
“You know, there is something we’d rather have.”
She quirked her lips. “Sorry, the prize money is mine.”
“Not that, dummy. You.”
Her throat got tighter. “I can’t stay. My family needs me.”
“I need you.”
She glanced up in surprise. His dark eyes remained fixed on her as he took her hands. “I need you in my life, Bella. I need a strong, beautiful, drives-me-crazy kind of woman who won’t take no for an answer and isn’t afraid to call bullshit on me.”
Her smile faltered. “That doesn’t sound like it’d be a very happy relationship, considering how often I’ve done all that since I got here.”
“But I needed to hear it,” Kyle said. “I needed that swift kick in the ass to realize what I was doing to myself. You were right. I can’t change in a day. I need help. A lot of it. I’m not afraid to admit that anymore.”
She nodded. Everything he was saying was right, but it wasn’t what she’d been hoping for. “You have lots of friends, Kyle. Lots of people who love you.” But not the way I love you. “I don’t want to tell you what to do, but since I’m leaving...I think you should start by telling Jess and your mother about what happened with Karla.”
“I already did.”
She did a double take. “You did?”
“I went home for the weekend and told them everything. You made me realize what I’ve been hanging on to and how it’s affected me. I want to move on, but I don’t want to move on without you. I don’t know if I can.”
She gave a half sob, half laugh. “You could have told me this a week ago, before I bought my plane ticket.”
“So postpone it.”
“Till when?”
“Till some future date when you want to go back to Brazil to introduce me to your family.”
“Kyle—I’m going home. My grandfather wants me to help open his new studio. It’ll give me good experience on running my own.”
“I’ve got a better offer. Stay here and get firsthand experience. We’ll go into business together and open a women’s MMA gym in New Orleans—or wherever you want. I’ve had lots of time to think about it. I have start-up money stashed away. If you want to make sure the UFF keeps women on its cards, we need to build up the next generation of fighters.”
The air rushed out of her. “Kyle—”
“Bella.” He clasped her hands tighter. “I know I’m no good at talking about my feelings. I can be an irrational, pigheaded, self-centered douche bag at times. Everything that happened with Karla twisted me in ways I don’t like, and I kept myself in the dark to make sure I didn’t see it. But then you showed me how broken I was.” His eyes watered. “I want to get better. I want to be a better person. You make me want to be better. You make me feel whole.” He broke into a watery smile. “I...I love you.”
Bella pressed her lips tightly together, trying to stem her tears.
She burst out laughing.
Kyle pouted. “That wasn’t exactly the response I was hoping for.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She put a hand over her mouth and gestured helplessly. “I’m just...”
When she didn’t finish, he nervously supplied, “Exuberant? Ecstatic?” His face fell when she shook her head. “Confused? Sad? Mad? Hungry? Help me out here.”
“Happy.” She kicked her bag aside and threw her arms around Kyle’s shoulders. He squeezed her tightly as their lips met in a deep, long kiss. Then she drew away and cupped his cheeks. “But I have to go home.”
She watched the light drain out of his eyes as his silly grin faltered. Oh, she couldn’t torture him any longer. “I have to go home because I can’t live without my bike.”
Kyle blinked, then laughed. “Forget the bike. I’ll buy you a car.”
“Hell, no. You’re going to buy yourself a bike. We’re going to bike everywhere from now on.”
“Fine.” He glanced out the door, where nosy spectators had gathered to watch. He didn’t care. “I’ll do it for you, as long as you promise to stick to the traffic rules.”
“Wimp.”
He rubbed the tip of his nose against hers. “But that’s why you love me, right?”
She grinned. “I love you for a lot of reasons. Let me show you how much.” And she kissed him once more. And again. And again.
* * * * *
Keep reading for an excerpt from ALL A MAN IS by Janice Kay Johnson.