“I’M SORRY, BUDDY, but I’m afraid it’s just the two of us tonight.” Caleb felt bad about that, as Matthew had his photos in queue on the computer, anxiously awaiting Leanne. But she’d called a while ago, told him she couldn’t make it.
“Tell Matthew I’m sorry.” No other explanation. She’d been edgy the whole time they’d been at Priscilla Anderson’s earlier, which he understood since Priscilla and Leanne were not on the best of terms—something that seemed to have grown over the years, at least in Priscilla’s mind. So, by the time he’d dropped Leanne off at her car, she’d looked as strung out as he’d ever seen anybody look, wringing her hands, biting her lower lip, anxiously tapping her foot, tense shoulders…
He’d felt sorry for her. Felt bad for asking her to go up to Priscilla’s with him. But he’d honestly figured he could put everything out of his mind and simply get on with it. That didn’t turn out to be the case, though. The closer he was to her, the more it all came back. So many memories, so many feelings—And Priscilla. She’d always hated Leanne’s influence over him. Had told him, over and over, that she was no good for him, to leave her alone, to forget about her. Advice that always fell on the deaf ears of a teenager in love, lust or whatever it was he’d been in. And now the old lady was taking up the cause again—a cause he would have to take special care to keep Leanne away from. Although he wasn’t sure why he felt compelled to protect her now. She’d been all those things Priscilla had accused her of being—spoiled, stuck on herself, out to use people, especially him…
And, yes, he was flirting with all that once more. Didn’t mean to, didn’t want to…couldn’t even attach a rational explanation to it. But it was happening even though he didn’t want it to. This time, though, he was older, not prone to getting himself hurt.
Except playing with fire always burned, didn’t it?
“Look, Matthew, Leanne had…other things she had to do, so we’ll show her your photos another time.”
“But she was supposed to eat with us, too,” Matthew said, sounding as disappointed as a five-year-old could sound.
“I know, but sometimes we have to change plans,” Caleb said, sounding disappointed himself. Surprised how much he’d counted on this evening together. “Anyway, how about I go get dinner cooking?”
Matthew’s answer was to shrug and sigh. “Not hungry,” Matthew said. “I want to go outside and take some pictures.”
“Want me to help?”
Matthew shook his head, then picked up his camera from the table next to the front door and walked on outside. Slowly. Hesitantly. Like an unsure little five-year-old boy. His son—still almost a baby, but so intellectually grown-up. Caleb felt so inadequate as a father, at times it almost pained him physically. Especially at times like this. “Stay in the yard,” he warned. It was a small patch of earth, juxtaposed against a never-ending expanse of wilderness that he’d fenced off for Matthew’s play area, even though his son rarely ever went outside to play.
“And later, I want to go online and look at cameras,” Matthew said. “I need something with a better zoom.”
Caleb didn’t doubt Matthew would progress through the next level of camera, then the one after that very quickly, until he finally landed on a professional model. That’s just the way he was. Always wanting to push the five-year-old boundaries far beyond those very limited years. It made him both proud because Matthew was so focused, yet sad for the things he might never see because of that focus. Much the way he’d been when he was young. Always focused on medicine, then Leanne…never seeing the world around him because he’d been centered only on what he’d wanted to see. “Do you think we should go to one of the bigger cities one day, and have a look in a camera shop? Talk to some experts, see what they recommend for you?”
“No,” Matthew said, in a flat, I-have-no-interest-in-what-you’re-saying voice. A voice Caleb knew, oh, so well. “I don’t want to wait to get it.” With that, Matthew shut the front door behind him, leaving Caleb standing there, feeling lousy. In fact, everything right now made him feel lousy. Leanne canceling her evening with them. His interactions with Matthew. And that damned fried chicken he was supposed to fix for them.
Matthew felt lousy, he felt lousy, Leanne felt lousy. It had been a hell of a lousy day all around.
* * *
“I’m going to get a new camera,” Matthew said, aiming his camera at Leanne and clicking off several shots as she strolled up onto the front porch and took a seat next to him on the log bench. “I thought you weren’t coming.”
“Changed my mind. Decided I’d rather be here with you guys than home alone. And look at your photos.” That was true, even after what she’d overheard at Priscilla’s. Tonight, the emptiness at home, alone, hadn’t suited her, and Priscilla’s words had pounded and pounded. So much so, they made her do strange things. Think about things she hadn’t thought about in years. Try to remember events, people, places…much of which had slipped her mind. Which had frustrated her. The harder she’d tried to think, to recall, the worse it had gotten until she’d literally stepped out onto the front porch and screamed her lungs out at the nighttime sky. Why not? No one was there to hear. No one was there to care. So, while she’d hoped for some sort of catharsis from it, all she’d got was a mild scratchy throat, a little bit of a headache, and the overwhelming feeling that she just didn’t want to be alone. Wanted to be with Caleb. And, of course, Matthew. So, here she was, pulling out her phone and snapping a few pictures of Matthew taking pictures of her.
“They’re ready,” he said, turning his focus on a white-tailed deer crossing the front yard. “Got them in albums, ready to look at.”
She waited for him to take his shot before she answered. “What kind of camera are you thinking about?” she asked him, taking a seat next to him.
“Can you help me with that?” He looked at the camera she’d given him, and shrugged. “Some of the things I’ve read got me confused.”
“Sure, I’ll help you. There are a couple of brands I’ve always liked, so maybe after we look at your photos…” It was hard to believe she was talking to a young child this way, but this was Matthew, and to do anything otherwise would be to insult him. He was like Caleb, who’d used a lot of words, most of which she hadn’t understood. But oh, how she’d loved to listen. At her young age, Caleb had been so impressive…like Matthew.
“I’m glad you came,” Matthew said, jumping up and running to the edge of the porch to catch a photo of a jackrabbit running across the lawn.
“I am, too,” she replied, watching him take his pictures. Trying so hard to be grown-up about it yet stomping his foot in a typical childish reaction when the rabbit scampered off before he got the picture he wanted. She really did enjoy spending time with Matthew. He almost put her in the frame of mind that she might, one day, want a child. Almost. “So, have you heard anything from Hans Schilling yet?”
“He’s being too slow,” Matthew said, changing his focus to a lone mule deer lingering at the edge of the woods, probably trying to decide if it was safe to leave its cover and head out across the open range.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll hear something soon.”
“Daddy says I may have to wait until I’m seven.” Matthew said, his voice so solemn it almost sounded like Caleb. After taking several shots of the mule deer, which was alerted to the clicking of the camera and darted back into the woods, Matthew aimed his camera at Leanne like before, but instead of taking her picture again, he simply looked at her through its lens. “I don’t think I’m too young, though.”
“Don’t give up on it, or yourself, Matthew. You never know what might happen.”
“I might have to go live someplace else, where Daddy can find me a good teacher.”
“Would you be OK with that?”
Matthew shrugged. “I like Marrell.”
“Me, too, buddy,” Caleb said from the doorway. “So, I think we’ll probably stay here.” He looked at Leanne, who was staring back at him, and gave her a nod and a wink.
Instantly, she jumped up and ran to hug Caleb, but stopped short. Another hug, another kiss…what was she thinking? Instead, she stopped short of him and whispered, “Really?”
Caleb gave her another wink, then said to Matthew, “Fried chicken on the table, with mashed potatoes and corn…not peas. Run upstairs and get washed.”
“When did you find out?” she asked, once Matthew was gone.
“About twenty minutes ago.”
“And you haven’t already told him?”
“Not immediately, because he was disappointed that you weren’t coming, and I didn’t want that to ruin the news. And now that you’re here, he’s anxious to show you his photos, and I want him to have that moment before he has another. You know, keep him away from overload. Let him enjoy everything.”
“I never meant to disappoint him. I figured my not being here wouldn’t matter that much.”
“He was counting on you, Leanne. You made a promise, then you broke it. Young hearts get broken that way. But you’re here now, and he’s happy, and that’s what counts.” With that, he turned and went back into the house, leaving her to stand alone on the front porch for a minute, thinking about what Caleb had said about young hearts getting broken. He was right, of course, and those words…those simple words robbed her of her appetite. Made her feel as frustrated as she had when she’d come here a little while ago. Made her want to scream into the night again. But not because of all the pressures and uncertainties building up inside her. She wanted to scream because Caleb was happy that Matthew was happy. Not because she was here.
* * *
“So, my answer is finally yes. I’m going to accept that position at Sinclair,” Caleb said casually, holding a glass full if iced tea in midair. “Going to buy this house and go from temporary to permanent status now.”
“Well, at least that’s one thing off my list.” Matthew had eaten his dinner quickly, then rushed upstairs to add a few final touches to his queue of photos before he showed them to Leanne. She and Caleb were seated at the kitchen table, across from each other, in no hurry to get up or go anywhere. Not really hitting it off right now, but not not hitting it off either. “So, you’ll tell him the good news after I leave?” She’d really hoped to be around for it, to see Matthew’s excitement. But it wasn’t hers to share, and she understood that. Still, it would have been nice…
“Probably tomorrow morning. Something his five-year-old brain can’t do too well is process more than one thing at a time. Right now, he’s excited about showing you his pictures, and if I tell him he’s been accepted by Schilling, that will change his focus. He’ll miss out on the one thing he really wanted to do this evening. So, I’ll wait.”
“You really do have some amazing insight into him,” she said.
“Sometimes it keeps me up at night, trying to figure out how to stay one step ahead of him.” He chuckled, and took a sip of his tea. “I suppose it was that way for my parents, too, since I was, well…academically gifted like Matthew.”
“They say what goes around comes around. I suppose it’s your turn now.”
“He’s a great kid. Best thing that’s ever happened in my life because he gives me focus as much as I do the same for him.”
“How are you going to deal with him living at the school and not with you?”
“Don’t know yet. For a while I’ll be miserable, I suppose. I know I’m going to miss his music…even when I don’t physically see him, just hearing him play gives me a sense that all’s right with the world. Not sure what I’m going to do without it, or him.”
“Has he always played?”
Caleb nodded. “Pretty much. There was an old piano in the apartment we rented when I was still in the military. First time I heard him play it, he was two, picking out a simple melody from a cartoon he watched. One-handed, of course. But he was spot-on perfect. I already knew he was smart. Started talking early. Walked early. Well ahead of his normal developmental stage. I mean he had these little plastic letters…magnets, he would arrange on the refrigerator door. Only by two, he wasn’t just arranging random patterns like most kids do. He was spelling out simple words. The base psychologist ran him through some tests and told us we had a budding genius on our hands. Which, at the time, didn’t mean a lot to me, as I’d assumed he could be smart and still be like other kids his age. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. He wasn’t on that level, didn’t want to do the things two-year-old kids typically did.”
“And your wife? How did she handle it?”
“I think Matthew’s gifts were the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back in our marriage. She couldn’t handle them. Didn’t want to deal with the special arrangements we’d have to make to accommodate him. So, she left. Simple as that. Said married life and kids weren’t what she wanted.”
“And you?” Leanne asked.
“Learned by trial and error. Still learning.” He smiled. “And keeping my fingers crossed a lot of the time.”
Much the way her father had raised her. Trial and error, fingers crossed. Except Matthew was getting the attention from Caleb that she’d never gotten from her dad. He’d loved her. Just never had time for her. “No regrets?”
“One. I wasn’t around much for Matthew’s first two years. Spent a lot of time deployed to Afghanistan, and totally missed the baby phase of his life. Wish I could get it back, but I can’t, so that’s probably my biggest regret as far as being a dad. Now, if you want to talk about life regrets…”
Leanne laughed, then stood up. “I think what Matthew has lined up for me now takes priority. But, Caleb, just let me say, from what I see, you’re doing an amazing job with him. I know it’s tough, having been raised by a single dad myself, but he’s a happy, well-adjusted little boy. Differently focused than most kids, but no worse for it. That shows hard work on your part.”
“All I want is for him to fit in. Don’t want him to be so different that the other kids pick on him the way they did me.”
“That can be so damaging. And spill over into adulthood. I’ve read a lot of studies, even treated a few patients who have manifested adult symptoms of childhood bullying, and it’s terrible. It’s like they can never get rid of the nightmare. Which is why what you’re doing for Matthew is so important. He doesn’t deserve to have that happen to him.”
Now he was frustrated. Even a little bit angry. How could she not understand? See, that was the thing about Leanne he just didn’t get. On one hand, she was an open, insightful person who seemed to genuinely care. But on the other, she ignored a significant part of who she’d been. The bully. The person who’d picked on him. Maybe she wasn’t that person now, but to deny what she’d been? Nope, he didn’t understand that at all.
Didn’t understand either why he was so damned attracted to her given his frustrations, anger and downright disbelief. But he was, which worried him as he’d always been blind about her back then, and he wondered if he was still that blind. “No, he doesn’t. No kid does. But that’s just what some kids do, Leanne. Don’t you remember? Don’t you remember high school?”
She frowned. “No one picked on me, Caleb. I got along with pretty much everybody.”
“No. You didn’t. But it was of your own choosing because you were the bully. You picked on kids who were different. You encouraged your friends to do it. You ridiculed other kids, called them names, laughed at them. Humiliated them. And I was one of them, Leanne. You bullied me.”