“I’M GLAD YOU decided to come up with me today,” Leanne told Caleb. They were approaching the trailhead, Leanne in the lead, Caleb bringing up the rear so he could keep an eye on Matthew, who was wandering from side to side on the trail, showing as little interest as possible in everything. “I think Matthew will enjoy this,” she said.
Caleb gave his son a dubious glance. “I hope so. As often as not, though, I have no idea what Matthew will enjoy until I see him enjoying something. It makes me feel like I’m not being a good dad because he keeps to his own little world so much of the time, and won’t let anybody else…me in. I hate seeing how isolated he is, but this will be good because he doesn’t ever go outside, unless he has to.”
Leanne stopped on the trail, and turned to face him. “You haven’t brought him up here yet?” The hike to the top was remote, but not too rugged. Not totally isolated from the world, the top of the point—their destination—overlooked a magnificent valley opening onto the river where she’d spent so many great days rafting, kayaking and hiking. And taking pictures. She’d loved taking pictures. All in all, Eagle Pointe was a beautiful place from her childhood, and she had many cherished memories of the great times she’d had there with her friends. “Because we used to come here all the time, and I’d just assumed this would be one of the first places you’d want to show him.”
“Eagle Pointe doesn’t really hold any great memories for me and, to be honest, I hadn’t given it a lot of thought until you mentioned it.”
“Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. Maybe you can start some new memories up there today.” She turned back around then scrambled over a jagged rock in the path, before she plopped down on a fallen pine-tree trunk to tie her boot. “Memories for you and Matthew,” she said, looking up at him.
Memories she didn’t have with her own dad because he’d always been too busy to make them with her.
“Making memories is one of the reasons I want to get us established here. Vegas is a confining place to raise a kid, and it’s pretty confining for an adult if you’re not big into the social life. Which I’m not…anymore.”
“Anymore?” she asked, grinning.
“Let’s just say there was a time when I was a lot more social than I am now.” He shrugged. “The weight of adult responsibility slammed down hard on me.”
“It slams down on all of us, to some degree. Some more than others, it seems,” Leanne said. “I’m sorry.”
“Not complaining. Just finding it difficult to adjust my coping skills every day or so.”
Leanne laughed. “Well, if you find a solution for that, patent it, sell it and retire a rich man, because I think what you described fits all of us. As they say in today’s vernacular, adulting isn’t always easy.”
“Well, I got my crash course when I became a single dad and, so far, I’ve barely even cracked the spine on that book.”
“Yeah, but look at you. Real dad. From what I’m gathering, a very good dad, which makes you a good man. Sounds to me like you’re doing fine on your own, without the book.”
She tilted back a water flask, took a drink, and extended it to offer Caleb a drink, but he refused. So, she capped it and put it back into her backpack. “I hated this place. Absolutely hated it. Not Eagle Pointe, but Marrell. Couldn’t wait to get out of here. In fact, everything I did when I was a kid was in preparation for leaving.”
“As I seem to recall…” he said, his voice trailing off to some distant memory. “Remember when I took Mrs. Jenkins’s classic T-Bird, just so we could run away? We were, what? Thirteen? Didn’t even know how to drive but we were on our way, for about three blocks. Then I got a three-month sentence to pick up trash on the streets. Nice dream…”
She chuckled. “Yeah, well…we tried. That counts, right?”
“And here you are, back again and still looking for a way to get out.”
“But I’m here with a purpose.”
“Yeah, to convince me to run the hospital, then leave.”
She laughed, squinted up at the sun, stood up from the old log on which she’d been sitting, and dusted off the seat of her pants. “A girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do. Anyway, to sweeten the deal about you staying, I made you pimiento sandwiches, hoping it’s a bribe that’ll work, because your mom told me they’re your favorite.”
He chuckled. “That’s what she always thought was my favorite. Truth was, I used to take them down to the river and use the cheese as bait when I fished.”
“Well, no fishing today, so I guess you’re going to have to eat your bait. Oh, but peanut butter and grape jam for Matthew and me. Because that cheese…” She turned up her nose and shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“We could take that cheese out to the dump later, then watch and see if the bears come out and take it.”
Leanne grabbed up her backpack and slung it over her shoulder. “Not even the bears, Caleb.” Then started off toward the next level of the trail, where it went from flat walking to a more elevated hike. When she got to the trailhead, though, she paused, pulled a floppy, cloth hat from her pocket and put it on her head, ready to move. But looked long and hard at the trail up ahead of her as a peculiar jitteriness overtook her. A lump formed in the pit of her stomach and she swallowed hard, redoubled her concentration and focused on the little chickadee sitting on a maple bough just off the trail, looking at her.
Why the sudden apprehension? Or the onset of jitters? It didn’t make sense.
“You OK?” he asked, stepping up next to her.
She blew out a long breath and nodded. “Yep,” she lied, when everything inside her was screaming for her to turn around and run away. She didn’t know why, couldn’t dredge up a memory that should elicit such a response, so she chalked it up to being tired. Too much work lately. Too much Eric. Not enough time for herself. Yes, that’s what it had to be. She was simply tired, and this long hike reminded her just how much. “Anyway, are you ready to get on? We’re only about halfway to the top, and Matthew looks like he’s ready to move.”
“When can we go home so I can practice?” Matthew asked, when he noticed they were looking at him.
Leanne laughed. “No practicing for a while. Today’s your day off.”
“I don’t take days off,” he said. “My fingers don’t feel right if I don’t practice.”
“Well, could you practice on something else today?”
“They have a piano where we’re going?” he asked hopefully.
“No piano, I’m afraid, but lots of trees and flowers. And big rocks you can climb on. If we’re lucky, we’ll find an eagle’s nest, too.”
“How am I supposed to practice on all of that?” he asked, his face drawing into a definite pout, his voice taking on the sharp edge that reminded her so much of Caleb as he was now, not back then.
“With this.” She fished an old digital camera from her pocket and handed it to him. “Have you ever used a camera?” she asked, knowing that these days people were more inclined to use their phones to take photos. But Matthew didn’t have a phone. She’d asked Martha about that yesterday, after Caleb had agreed to come with her, then spent the next couple of hours trying to roust out her old camera, the one she’d used up here so many times.
“No,” he said, taking hold of the camera and looking at it curiously. “What does it do?”
“It takes pictures of the things you want to remember.”
“Like Dad’s phone,” he said, not really interested yet.
“Only better.”
That caught his attention. “Could it take pictures of my music?” he asked.
“It can. Or that tree over there.” She pointed to a massive ponderosa pine just off the trail. Standing nearly eighty feet tall, its trunk was straight, its bark a beautiful cinnamon brown, and its seven-inch green needles splayed magnificently in perfect symmetry. She recalled the tree from her childhood. Remembered picnicking and reading books under it and, yes, even smooching with her boyfriend du jour there. To her, this tree had always represented the beginning of wonderful adventures, a place where exciting things started to unfold and, for some reason, she wanted Matthew to like it every bit as much as she did. Had she and Caleb ever connected in some way under that tree…another picnic, a chat?
She didn’t remember, and she should have, because other memories were there. Just none of him, and it was beginning to make her wonder why Caleb hadn’t resonated more. He should have. She’d had such a crush at a young age, and more about him should have registered. Didn’t understand why it hadn’t. “You can take a picture of that tree, Matthew.”
He looked mildly interested. “How?” he asked.
Leanne bent down alongside him, showed him how to place the camera in its proper position, explained that what he could see in its viewer was what would be on the picture, then instructed him to click. He did, several times. Then held the camera out in front of him and looked up at Leanne. “When can I see the pictures?” he asked.
“Now, on the view screen. And when you get home, your daddy can hook it up to the computer and save them, so you can look at them anytime.” She showed him how to flip through the pictures he’d just taken, then stood back and watched his face as he did so.
“Amazing,” Caleb said quietly, as Matthew flipped through a couple times, then settled on his favorite to show his dad.
“Do you like this one?” he asked Caleb.
It was a close-up of the tree’s trunk, showing fine detailing in the bark. A very complicated composition, all things considered, and a very thoughtful one that focused on one little beetle scurrying its way up the tree, probably disturbed by all the attention Matthew was giving it. “Very much,” Caleb answered. “You did a good job.”
“Can I take more pictures on the hike, Daddy?” he asked, finally sounding interested in something for the first time since they’d gotten here.
“You’ll have to ask Leanne. It’s her camera.” He put on a smile for Matthew, but the instant Matthew turned away to take another picture, Caleb’s face scrunched into a scowl. Not a deep one, but one that indicated he was uncomfortable with something.
Leanne studied the scowl on Caleb’s face for a moment. Wondered if she was responsible for it. Was it about her and Matthew? Or the job she’d offered him? Marrell, in general? Perhaps something she knew nothing about? It bothered her, but she wasn’t in a place to ask. Her memory of Caleb was so scattered, so broken. Bits and pieces of a jigsaw childhood that, she was sure, no longer belonged to this man here. Well, no matter what it was, she was determined not to ruin this for Matthew. He was finally having fun, and she wanted to keep it that way. “No, it’s Matthew’s camera. And he can take as many pictures with it as he wants. It has brand-new batteries and a sizable memory card, so he should be good to go for quite a while.”
“I appreciate that,” Caleb said, again forcing a smile to his face.
“Me, too,” Matthew said, then shyly stepped up to Leanne and gave her a hug around the waist.
Even though Matthew’s intellect and talents were off the charts, for this moment right now he was an average little boy discovering new things and having fun with them. Being part of that was…different. Exciting. Surprisingly, while she’d always been indifferent to kids on a personal level, she was really liking this. “You’ve got to promise me, Matthew, that once you’ve got all of today’s photos downloaded to your computer, you’ll ask me over to see them.”
“I will,” he said solemnly. “And Daddy will cook dinner. He’s really good at chicken. But he always serves peas with it, and I don’t like peas.”
Leanne laughed, smiled and winked at Caleb. “That would be great. Chicken and, well…no peas. If it’s OK with your daddy.”
Caleb smiled back, and this time it wasn’t so forced. “I can cook other things, too.”
“Nope,” Leanne said, her grin at Caleb widening. “This is Matthew’s date, and if he wants chicken without peas, that’s exactly what I want.” She sensed that Caleb was beginning to loosen up a little, but he was still very standoffish. This day was for him, too, and she hoped he would enjoy it. Or, parts of it.
* * *
It was an easy hike, for which he was glad because Matthew was having the best time taking photos—of everything. Rocks, dirt, logs, sky, his feet, Leanne from all angles… The camera had opened a whole new world for him, and he hadn’t mentioned missing his piano once. For that, Caleb knew he owed Leanne a great big thank-you, as she’d done something for Matthew he’d rarely been able to do himself—given him the freedom to be a regular little kid for a while. He also owed her the rest of her day with a man who wasn’t so held back or grumpy, the way he’d been so far. She was trying hard to have fun, to be friendly, to make the day pleasant for all of them, and he needed to do the same. “He loves that camera,” Caleb said to Leanne, laying his hand on the flat of her lower back and pointing to Matthew, who ran well ahead of them on the trail, clicking away at everything in his path. “Thank you. For him. Even for me.”
“It’s such a simple thing. I glad he likes it.”
“I am, too. Especially since he’s usually resistant to trying new things.”
“I think all you have to do is show him something new and prove why it will be interesting for him. Which sounds simple enough, but I’m sure is very difficult.”
“The fact is, I should have known he would like photography, because he’s a very observant and artistic little boy, and I didn’t because I’ve never thought to have him take a picture.”
“Maybe you just get yourself overwhelmed with the big things and miss out on all the things to see and do in smaller situations. It’s easy to do. I’m like that a lot of the time back in Seattle. Too caught up in what I have to do to enjoy what I’d like to do.”
“What do you like to do?” he asked.
“This. Nature. Hiking. Photography. Rock climbing. Remember how I used to love that?” None of which Eric liked or would even consider. “How Jack Hanson spent weeks teaching me?”
“Well, I’m sure there are probably a lot more things Matthew would like to do. I suppose it’s up to me to find out what they are.” He removed his hand from her back and stepped away when he realized just how long he’d been touching her like that. Touching her and enjoying it. And now wondering why she’d let him linger in that touch so long. “Anyway, there’s still a lot more trail to cover, so I’d suggest…”
She nodded. “If we can catch up with him. I think he’s completely forgotten we’re here, and I’m not sure I like the idea of him getting so far ahead.” Clear-cut worry spread over her face, as she ran to catch up with Matthew. Something any good mother would do. And suddenly Caleb could picture her as a mother to a child or children or… Matthew. He shook that cozy image off, and hurried to catch up to her.
“You’re going to be a great mother, if you ever decide you want to have children,” he said, when they were finally walking shoulder to shoulder, only a few paces behind Matthew. “I hope your fiancé can appreciate that.”
“My fiancé?” She looked up to face him. “Where’d you hear that?”
“My mother. Plus, you dropped some hints.”
Without missing a beat, and maybe too quickly, she said, “Didn’t mean to drop hints because he’s not my fiancé. More like we’re just calling it a committed relationship for now. Trying to see where it goes.”
“I thought that’s one of the reasons you wanted to get back to Seattle right away.”
“It’s on the list, and we’re definitely working toward that outcome, but the real reason I want to get back is because I have a life there. Not here. I’ve worked hard to get it and I’m not in any particular hurry to change it.”
She seemed almost agitated now. Something about Seattle? Or the man with whom she was involved? “Am I going places I shouldn’t with this conversation?” he asked.
She frowned, pushed her cap back off her face. “Not really. I’m just under some pressure right now. Nothing big. But I’ve got decisions…” She stopped.
“Like whether or not you want to come home to Marrell?”
“No. That’s not one of them. Especially if you accept my offer. But my job is changing, and my life is changing… Eric is the first relationship I’ve had in so long I can’t even remember, and it’s…complicated. Right now, everything’s complicated. But like I said, I’m going back to Seattle and things will even out once I’m there. The sooner, the better.
“Because besides wanting my life back, I want you to make your mark here, Caleb. I want you to be the future of Sinclair Hospital, if that’s what you want to be. So, I’m not going to be stepping all over your toes trying to prevent you from having something I really want you to have. If you want it. So, do you?”
“Well, that was straight to the point.” Leanne certainly didn’t sound like the self-centered, unthoughtful girl she used to be. In fact, she seemed quite the opposite. Which he liked. “So, my answer is—if Matthew is accepted into Schilling’s school, yes. You’ve got me because, in the long run, I’m not sure how well my shoulder’s going to hold up, and this will be a good decision for me because of that. But if he isn’t accepted…” He shrugged, then glanced up the trail at Matthew, who was breaking away again and now veering a little too far off the path to take his photos. “Matthew, buddy. Back on the trail. Stay where I can see you.”
Matthew’s response was to turn around and snap a picture of Leanne and Caleb, who were still walking shoulder to shoulder up the trail, their hands brushing casually against each other as they moved, and looking almost like a real, connected couple. “Save it for the eagle’s nest.” He pointed to the top of the tree just beyond where Matthew was standing. It was sitting near the top, nestled down into the branches of a pine tree, precariously perched and leaning just barely above the cliff line. “See it, buddy? Right in front of you. Look up, but don’t go any closer to the edge.” He hurried to catch up to Matthew to make sure his son didn’t go any farther because straight down…the ledge, the cave.
“I wish there was an eagle in it for him,” Leanne said, stopping to shift her backpack.
“I’m sure we’ll be back and eventually he’ll find his eagle.” Caleb stopped next to Matthew and reached out to keep a steadying hand on him. “Once Matthew feels comfortable doing something, he’s good to go anytime, and I think he’s comfortable with his hike.” He smiled down at his son. “You do like this, don’t you, buddy?”
Matthew nodded, but didn’t take his focus, or his camera, off the eagle’s nest.
“Well, let’s hope Schilling accepts him and the two of you can stay here. And that’s purely selfish, because you’re my short list, Caleb. Nobody else on it. Anyway, once Matthew gets finished taking pictures of the nest, could I interest you in a pimiento cheese sandwich?”
“If you insist,” he said, laughing as he turned up his nose. Wondering why he was vowing nothing personal with her yet standing right smack on the edge of it. Again. And having a good time. What the hell was he thinking?
* * *
She thought about the casual touches. Caleb’s hand on her back. Brushing up against him, or him brushing up against her. The way he’d taken her hand to help her up a rock where she didn’t have a good foothold. The way he’d put his arm around her shoulders when they’d stood together and looked out over the river down below. They fit, even though they were all just instinctual, polite gestures. But she hadn’t objected, because she liked the way they’d felt. The way she felt when he touched her. It wasn’t the way she’d felt when Eric touched her. He’d always had an intent behind his touches. It was like he’d calculated them. Penciled them in on his calendar. Time to hold Leanne’s hand. Time to put an arm around her shoulders. That’s the way Eric was, of course, and she was used to it. But Caleb’s touch…natural. Spontaneous. And nice.
The day had played out quite well, and she was glad Caleb had eventually loosened up and enjoyed himself. He was so lovely to be with when he was in a good mood, and his good mood had permeated the entire afternoon. After he’d choked down half a pimiento sandwich, trying to be a good sport, then switched over to a peanut butter and jam, they’d climbed rocks, posed about a million times for Matthew to take pictures, gone wading in a creek—so many fun things and, too soon, the day was over.
But every now and then, throughout the day, especially in the moments when she’d been alone, that lump in her stomach had tried to overtake her. She’d forced it back and kept herself in the moment, which, as it turned out, had always been a good moment. But it her worried because she knew it for what it was—anxiety. Caused by what, she didn’t know. But what she did know was that she’d suffered a mighty high dose of it several times over the day.
“I think we did him in,” she said, when Matthew finally gave up and let Caleb carry him the rest of the way back down the trail.
“I think we about did me in, too,” he replied, as Leanne took his backpack to relieve him of a little of the load. “I don’t remember it being so…steep.”
She laughed. “You didn’t even go all the way up to the steep part.” Up where the craggy rocks broke off into nothing, and the only thing to catch you if you fell over was the thin lip of Devil’s Cave. Devil’s Cave…a name that made her skin crawl.
“I went as far as I’d allow Matthew to go. Nobody has any business going beyond where we went.”
“We used to, didn’t we?”
His eyes went distant for a moment, and he sucked in a sharp breath. “We did a lot of things we shouldn’t have.”
She saw the look returning to his face, the one from earlier. Didn’t know what to make of it, so she simply ignored it because she wanted their day to end on a good note and not on the one that was brewing again in Caleb. “Did you enjoy today, because at first…?”
He blinked hard, cleared his throat, and visibly forced a smile back to his face. “At first, I didn’t. But I got over it, especially when I saw how much Matthew was enjoying himself and how much you’d put into us having a good time. Sometimes I…” He shrugged. “Sometimes I get in my own way, as my mother has said.”
“Well, I’m glad you eventually stepped out of your way, if not for yourself then for Matthew.”
“And for you, too. Look, it’s been a good day, Leanne. Thank you for inviting me, and next time I’ll try to do better from the start.” They reached his truck, where he placed his son in the passenger’s seat, then turned to face Leanne, reached out and brushed her cheek. He stood there for a moment, looking into her eyes, before he finally walked around to his side of the truck and opened the door to climb in. “I’d do this again, if you’d ask me,” he said.
If she asked him. But would he ask her? It was the question playing in her mind when he drove off, leaving her standing there in the middle of a pack of late-in-the-day hikers, watching the cloud of dust he left in his wake. That was a very good question. Would he ask her? She wasn’t sure why that seemed so important, but it did.
* * *
“It was a nice day,” Leanne said to herself a little while later, as she sat alone on her dad’s front porch, just drinking in the peacefulness of the night. Her dad and Dora were at Red’s Saloon in town, probably dancing the night away, and she was grateful for the time alone. Grateful to reflect on her life ahead, without someone interrupting her or offering an opinion.
Where would she be a month from now? Or a year? She wondered about that from time to time, because she loved her job, loved her clinic. Couldn’t foresee changes, but didn’t necessarily rule them out either. Which made her question this niggling little bit of restlessness that seemed to be popping up. What was that about? Because two weeks ago she didn’t want to leave Seattle, ever. Then a few days ago the idea that she could have a different life had wiggled its way in and she hadn’t squeezed it back out. “Just getting nostalgic,” she said, glancing at the clock on her phone, knowing she wasn’t the nostalgic type about anything. “OK, Eric…”
He hadn’t called yet, but he would. He was dependable like that, unless there was a medical emergency. Yes, Eric… It wasn’t really a limbo relationship. She spent three or four nights a week at his apartment. They ate together that often. Usually set aside one day of their weekend to be with each other. She shut her eyes to picture him, but the first image to pop up was Caleb, with the smudge of dirt he’d had on his face earlier when they’d climbed up Big Rock. Eric was never smudged. He was fussy. Never a hair out of place. Never a wrinkle in his clothes, the way Caleb’s cotton cowboy shirt had been a mass of wrinkles. Never dust on his boots, the way Caleb’s had been nothing but dust. Not that Eric ever wore boots.
“Stop,” she said aloud, giving herself a physical shake to get rid of the mental picture of the two of them standing side by side. Why this stupid comparison? She was with Eric, not Caleb. Yet Caleb was taking up much more mental space than Eric right now. And despite his sometimes-god-awful attitude, she liked him. Saw something in him she couldn’t define. Maybe didn’t understand. But something…
Shaking both men out of her head, she absently punched in Eric’s number, waited for him to pick up and, for no reason that made good sense, almost hoped he wouldn’t. He didn’t belong here. Not in this place. Not in her thoughts. Nothing about him did. And right now, even thinking about his voice seemed intrusive. So much so she almost hung up after the second ring, but…
“Yes?” came the familiar voice on the other end of the call. His generic greeting irritated her, even though that’s how he always answered the phone, knowing it was her.
“Yes? Can’t you do better than that?” she said, trying hard not to snap.
“Something wrong?” he asked.
“No,” she said, wondering about the thin, raw nerve that was causing her to ball her fists. “Just a little too much Montana, I think.” She blew out a cleansing breath, and relaxed back into the porch swing. “Anyway, you’re probably working and I interrupted you. Right?”
“Actually, I’m getting ready to go home, kick back, look at your picture and wish you were here. So, how was your day?”
It was nothing she wanted to talk about. At least, not to Eric. “Nothing special.” OK, that was a lie. There was a lot more to it, but Eric didn’t need to know that. Particularly since she didn’t understand why simply talking to him was making her feel on edge this evening.
“Sounds boring.”
“Not really. I took a walk, saw some old sights.” And hadn’t realized how nice her day with Caleb had been until it had ended.
“Boring,” he repeated. “Now, tell me something I want to hear. Talk sexy to me.”
Yeah, right. Like she was in the mood for that. “How about I talk prednisone to you, because I just read that…”
To each his own, she thought several minutes later, after they’d hung up on a very unsatisfactory conversation. They hadn’t connected on any level. She hadn’t even wanted to try, deferring instead to a discussion on a common medicine, and she knew she owed him better. At least an expression of affection in her good-night to him, rather than the generic “Talk to you tomorrow” she’d signed off with.
Sighing, she looked at Eric’s picture on her phone, hoping to spark something in her, yet still not feeling anything. She wanted to. Knew she should. But tonight…she was in a strange mood. Didn’t understand it, couldn’t explain it, but she thought she should put it right with Eric before she wandered off to bed, because she was sure he’d heard the discontent in her voice.
Yet she just didn’t want to engage with him again. Or explain her mood, which he’d insist on. Or deal with anything. So, she decided to take the impersonal way out and punched in to text him good-night, rather than call him.
She got half of a half-hearted message typed before she was interrupted by a text from him. Had he felt the same ho-hum feeling she had? The distance?
Feeling a little better that she’d have another chance to get it right, Leanne pressed the icon to open the message.
I miss you.
So sweet, she thought.
Want to spend more time with you.
And she wanted to spend more time with him. Wanted to get the old feeling back.
I can be there in ten minutes, so get naked and wait for me. Since she’s not here we’ve got the whole night to play. And I’ve got some new games for you! Now, get ready to talk sexy to me.