“JUST THOUGHT YOU’D like to know, your dog is heading off south,” Jack said, tossing his backpack down on a table set up in the community meeting room, as several of the locals scurried about, arranging chairs, setting out pitchers of water, and doing whatever else they thought would be helpful. He looked for Palloton among them, saw him standing at the front door. Observing him. Then Carrie. Assessing the situation as only Palloton would do. Palloton, his best friend. The only friend he’d kept after—
Carrie, who was standing at the table, already setting up to give immunizations, spun around to face him. “She won’t go far. She likes to get the lay of the land when we go someplace new.”
“Well, all I’m saying is…wolves. They don’t wander into town this time of the day, usually, but they’re out there, and unless your dog—”
“Bella,” Carrie interrupted.
“Unless your dog is experienced in this kind of location, I’d suggest you secure her before she wanders too far or gets herself into the kind of trouble only a city dog could get into.”
“Am I sensing a double meaning there?” she asked him.
“It’s a broad warning. People, or dogs, come out here expecting one thing, and end up with something entirely different. Sometimes good, sometimes bad.” In his life, he’d had both. One had made him soar with the eagles—invincible. The other had hurt him more than he’d known a person could hurt. “All I’m saying is, if you want to make sure you leave here with your dog tomorrow, you should take better care of her today.” Bitter words. Words that felt like acid on his tongue. Words he wished someone had pounded into him all those years ago when he hadn’t taken care of Evangeline.
Jack drew in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. “Anyway, I think we’re going to have a few more people coming in than I’d expected. A lot of them want to see me, and, according to Victor, they haven’t been getting regular medical care lately. Too busy to go to the reservation, and it’s a long trip over there. So, unless it’s absolutely necessary, lots of things go unattended. Like health matters.”
“I can’t imagine that. Even when I was homeless, there was always a clinic… I really am a city girl, aren’t I?”
“Through and through.” Which wasn’t a bad thing to be. But he liked this place better. He’d hated his years in Phoenix, had always wanted to come home. He’d tried several times. Once, he’d even gotten as far as the Montana border, then had turned around and gone right back to his city life. And hated it all over again. He didn’t belong there. It was a beautiful city, as cities went. But too loud. Too many cars. Too much congestion. And now…well, now he was back where his heart had always told him he belonged. But could he stay? Would he stay?
That was always the question, and being back in Saka’am wasn’t the answer. Unfortunately, he didn’t know what was.
“Anyway…” He finally gave way to a forced smile—a smile he put on for the sake of the people waiting in line to see him. Because nothing inside him wanted to smile. “I suppose it’s time to get to work. People are waiting. So, go find that dog—”
“Bella,” she interrupted.
“That dog,” he countered. “Get her back here and we’ll open up to patients.” He still didn’t want to go through with this, still didn’t want to dredge up the memories and face the people who’d been here, the people who’d seen, who still knew. But doing it with Carrie at his side made it better. Did he deserve that, though? Probably not. But he was grateful for it anyway.
* * *
“Wiwa,” Palloton said, finally approaching Jack. “It’s been a while.”
Jack turned to face his onetime best friend. “Too long,” he said, giving himself over to the embrace as Palloton offered it. An embrace with the person he’d once considered his brother. “You’re looking good.” It had been months since he’d seen Palloton face-to-face. A quick trip to Phoenix, a night to reminisce. They’d kept in touch shortly after the tragedy, but times changed, Palloton had got married, they’d grown apart. So their relationship had turned into emails, texting, occasional phone calls, less than occasional face time on a computer. And the odd infrequent visit when Palloton came to see him.
“Married life does that to you,” he said, smiling. Palloton was tall, well muscled, with long black hair flowing freely down to the middle of his back. He pulled it back into a neat ponytail on the days he donned a suit to be a lawyer, and on the other days he opted for jeans, T-shirt and boots, much the way everyone else dressed in Saka’am. Today, Palloton was casual. “I’d heard you were going to be the one coming out here and it…surprised me.”
“Surprised me, too,” Jack replied. “Thought about sending someone else, but…” He shrugged. Someone else couldn’t have done what he needed to do here…to figure out how to face his past. Not to put it away, not to start a whole new life, but to face the old one.
“Well, it’s about time you came to me. I’m the one who’s dragged myself down to Phoenix to see you, and it’s your turn to reciprocate.”
“Trust me, this isn’t about reciprocating anything.”
Palloton looked over at Carrie, who was busy counting doses of vaccinations. “Because of her?” he asked, his voice lowered so only Jack could hear him.
Jack glanced across the room at Carrie, too. She was gorgeous, in such an unassuming way. He’d bet she didn’t even know it, which made her even more gorgeous. He was attracted to her. No denying that. But that was all he’d allow himself. A look. A moment to admire. Nothing else. “No. I’m not…ready for that. Don’t know if I ever will be. She just happened to be the one most available to come with me.” He didn’t have to tell Palloton that he’d switched his own schedule to match hers, hoping they could do this together.
“You don’t deserve to spend the rest of your life alone, Wiwa. You’re paying a penance you don’t need to pay.”
Jack, who was still focused on Carrie, shook his head. “I’m paying what I have to pay.” He looked back at Palloton. “I can’t control it. It’s what I have to do.”
“That’s not a good way to live, my friend. Especially when you’ve got someone like her on your side.” He looked over at Carrie another time, then shook his head. “You’re missing out.”
“My choice.” Jack sighed heavily. “My life, my decision.”
“But are you happy with it?”
Jack regarded Carrie once more before he began to work. He didn’t answer Palloton. What was there to say? Happiness wasn’t part of him anymore. Stray glances from afar, an infrequent wish, but not true happiness.
After pulling several medicine vials from his pack, Jack carried them across the room to Carrie, who was trying to be unobtrusive in a room full of strangers, but not doing a very good job of it as most of the eyes in the room were on her. Everybody was probably wondering if she was the one who had replaced Evangeline. Speculations, maybe some good wishes for him. And memories. Lots of memories as everyone had loved Evangeline. She would have been here with him today, helping him set up. Organizing the queue the way Victor and Palloton were now doing. Jack was sure there were many people lining up outside who were thinking the same things. “You ready to get started?” he asked her.
“Yep,” she said, cheerfully. “As soon as I go get Bella. So, the guy you were talking to…”
“Best friend,” Jack said, without embellishment.
“He’s working with us today? Is he a medic?”
“Nope. He’s an attorney. Great climber. True advocate for the tribe. And from the looks of it, he’s setting up to handle the mobs.”
“Mobs, really?” Carrie’s eyes went wide in amazement.
Regardless of his glum mood, Jack laughed. Carrie was so cute…that expression of surprise on her face. The look of anticipation. She was eager to do this. Probably considered it another move forward. He liked her enthusiasm. Liked the way she just went at life with everything she had. Wished he could have some of that in himself. “Little mobs. Polite ones. Friendly ones. They’ll bring cookies and fry bread.”
“Back in Chicago, the word mob has a different connotation. And, trust me, those mobs didn’t bring cookies.”
“Then, aren’t you glad you’re here, and not in Chicago?” He was. He truly was. “So, let me introduce you to Palloton, since he’s the one who’ll be sending the patients through.”
“Not only sending them through but sorting the gifts they bring.” Palloton pointed to the several plates of cookies, the different varieties of autumn squash, the sacks of fresh-picked apples already filling up the table next to the door. “In Saka’am, even though grants through the reservation cover our medical costs, we like to pay back.” He extended his hand to Carrie. “I’m Palloton Yellowfeather, by the way. Wiwa’s oldest and, I hope, best friend.”
“Why do you call him Wiwa? Does that have significance?”
“It’s Salish, for wild,” Jack explained. “It was the nickname they gave me when my mother would bring me out here with her and turn me loose on the community when she was working. I wasn’t…”
“He wasn’t the best-behaved kid in town,” Palloton said, laughing. “Which is why all the other kids liked him. He got away with the things we couldn’t.”
“Such as?” Carrie asked, looking back and forth between the men.
“Sneaking off to go fishing or climbing when we were supposed to be attending to chores. My mother would tell us to mow the yard or weed her vegetable garden, and the next thing you knew, we’d be scaling a rock or rafting down a river. For Wiwa, there was always something else to do. Something fun. And being the impressionable child I was…”
“Whoa,” Jack said. “You were never impressionable. Never. In fact, when your mom told us to do something…” He glanced over at Carrie. “I was here all the time. Even when my mom wasn’t working. So I was treated as one of the locals. Assigned chores, given responsibilities suited to my age. Anyway, as I recall, every time your mom had something for us to do, you were the one who expected me to come up with a way to, let’s just call it, circumvent it.”
Carrie laughed. “So, Palloton, you were the instigator and Jack the enabler?”
“Something like that,” Palloton replied, as the first patient stepped through the door. An older man, who handed Jack a knit cap.
“Beautiful work,” Jack said, showing the man back to his examining area. “I still have that sweater Rayne knit me all those years ago.”
“She keeps you in her heart, Jack. Even though you’re not here, she pays tribute to both of them when she can.”
“His wife and daughter,” Palloton explained, once Jack was gone. “Rayne was Evangeline’s teacher in school. Would have been Alice’s, too, if she’d…” He swallowed hard. Didn’t finish what he was saying.
“Jack was married?” she asked. Somehow, this shocked her, even after what Priscilla had hinted at.
“He didn’t tell you?” Palloton said, then immediately backed off.
“Not a word. But we don’t have the kind of relationship where he would.” Still, she wondered why he hadn’t mentioned it. Divorce was tragic, but nothing to be ashamed of. Had it been a bad marriage—the kind that, once you were out of it, you put it out of your mind? Had the end of it been her fault or his? And what about his daughter? Had his ex-wife taken her away? Was that why Jack was always so glum—because he didn’t get to see his little girl?
There were so many questions she wanted to know answers to but they were questions she had no right to ask. Especially since Jack had chosen not to tell her about this part of his life.
“Well, I suppose he’ll tell you all about it in good time,” Palloton said, turning his attention to the computer in front of him, obviously embarrassed that he’d given away something Jack didn’t want given away. “In the meantime,” he went on, still focusing on his computer screen, “are you a doctor, nurse or what? I need to know so I can record it in the charts.”
“Paramedic. All properly certified.”
“And you’ve moved to Marrell to…?” He glanced up at her then smiled. “Personal question, not legal. Just trying to make dull conversation after inserting my foot in my mouth.”
Carrie laughed. “I’m taking Jack’s rescue course at the hospital. Looking for some new direction in my life.”
“Well, I’m glad you were directed here, Carrie Kellem. Jack seems happier than he’s been in a while.”
“It’s the class,” she said, uncomfortable with the direction this conversation was going. “Not me.”
“Well, whatever it is, it’s good to have him back home, where he belongs.” This time Palloton turned his undivided attention to the computer screen, while Carrie went outside to find Bella.
“She doesn’t know,” Jack said, stepping up to Palloton. “At least, she didn’t until you told her.”
“Shouldn’t she have?”
“It’s not that kind of relationship.”
“I saw the way you were looking at her, Wiwa. All I can say is maybe it should be.”
“Not open for discussion,” Jack said.
“Is Charley open for discussion? Because he didn’t look too pleased to see you. Did he know you were coming?”
Jack shook his head. “And it wasn’t my intention to tell him. But he saw me coming in, so I suppose that cat is out of the bag, too.”
“Not good form, Jack. He has a right—”
“It’s got nothing to do with him,” Jack interrupted.
“He was Evangeline’s father and Alice’s grandfather, and he blamed you for their deaths. He suffers for it the way you do, which makes it everything to do with him.”
“And I didn’t blame myself? That’s all I’ve been doing for five years. So he can blame me all he wants. He’s welcome to do it. I deserve it.”
“Tell yourself whatever you want, but you’ve got to put all the pieces back together before you can move on. A little bit here and a little bit there won’t cut it. And Charley’s one of those pieces.”
“Who says I want to move on?” Jack questioned, trying to hold back the anger that wanted to flare in him. He wasn’t mad at Palloton, though. He was mad at himself. For so many things.
“You do, every time you look at Carrie. Whether she’s the one, I don’t know. But she’s the start of it, my friend. So, as they say, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee.”
Maybe Palloton was right. But suddenly Jack didn’t have the same fondness for coffee he’d had only moments earlier. In fact, even the thought of it made his stomach churn.
* * *
From just down the hall, Carrie heard the conversation between Jack and Palloton. She hadn’t intended to, but when her name had come up, she’d stopped and listened. Not only had Jack been married, he’d had a daughter. She had no idea how they’d been killed but Jack blamed himself for it, which explained so much about his demeanor. Her heart went out to him. It was all connected to Saka’am somehow, and she knew it couldn’t be easy on him, coming back here. She was curious to know more, but it was Jack’s life and his memories. There were parts of herself she didn’t divulge, and she understood that in him. Better than most.
So, rather than staying around, hoping to hear more, she headed out and passed by Chief Charley, whom she now knew was Jack’s father-in-law. She smiled at him, but his response was a scowl. Which she understood, since she was connected to Jack and, thus, the chief’s sentiments toward Jack. But she felt sorry for the man. He’d lost so much—a daughter, a granddaughter, a son-in-law. Such deep sadness. Another thing she understood.
Bella hadn’t gone too far by the time Carrie caught up to her. Just a couple of short blocks. And as she hiked the main street to grab her dog, people smiled at her, gave her friendly waves. One woman greeted her with a basket of muffins. She could see why Jack had always been drawn to this place. Why he always returned. It was so sad now that Saka’am held bad memories.
Well, it wasn’t her concern, was it? Securing Bella and getting to work was, however. So, she tied the leash to her dog and headed back to the church, passing Chief Charley again on the way. Decked in baggy jeans and a white cotton shirt, he wore a cowboy hat with a feather sticking out of it. His typical long, black hair was streaked with gray and pulled back in a braid. And as for his dark, angry eyes… No, it wasn’t anger she saw there. It was sadness. The same sadness she caught glimpses of in Jack. In a life where she struggled so hard to get over her own sadness, she wondered if some sadness couldn’t be overcome. She’d always thought it could be, or hoped so, but now she wasn’t sure because, for some reason, she could feel the sadness in her. And it wasn’t her sadness she was feeling.
* * *
The stream of patients had been steady for the first three hours. Without a break. Mostly minor complaints…arthritis aches and pains, stomach problems, worries that didn’t amount to much. Each time he’d stepped outside his little area, he’d noted the children being escorted back to Carrie. Palloton had said she was good with them, that she had a natural way.
He’d also mentioned she was doing cursory physicals on each of them who came through, patching cuts and scratches, doing other medical procedures she was qualified to do. Jack was glad for that, glad she was taking the initiative because that was what all these little outlying communities needed—medical initiative. Someone to take control and fix the problems as they presented themselves. Not wait until someone showed up to take care of matters when it was convenient, the way it had always been.
He held out a lot of hope that Carrie would be that person as he cared so much for Saka’am he didn’t want to turn the medical care over to just anyone. Of course, that meant he wouldn’t see her too often. Which didn’t sit as well with him as he’d hoped it would. He liked seeing her. Liked catching the occasional glimpse. Especially liked working with her, having that contact. Liked being caught up in something different and fun and with so much potential, even if only for small snatches of time.
Would he get used to that? He could. Easily. Which was not his intention. But Carrie was…infectious. And he didn’t mind being a little infected. Just a little, though, because she could turn into a habit. Someone to take up the empty spaces while he was trying to justify it as strictly professional. Someone to count on when he was not used to counting on anyone but himself. Which meant he had to keep this strictly on the professional up-and-up. Quit catching those glimpses. Quit admiring…well, everything but her skills.
Stop it, he said to himself, snapping on gloves in preparation for his next patient—Winona White Horse. He suspected diabetes, and needed to take some blood samples. “What I like to tell my patients is that this isn’t going to hurt,” he said, as he pushed through the curtain to the makeshift exam, trying to drag a bit of courage with him. Winona had been Evangeline’s best friend. Her maid of honor at their wedding. She’d stepped in to help Priscilla, who had acted as midwife when Alice was born, and had held his hand through both funerals. “But it does,” he said, forcing a laugh, as the sad memories bombarded him.
“I’ve missed you,” she said, holding out her left arm for him, then watching as he tied the blue rubber tourniquet around it.
“Been busy.”
“When I heard you were moving to Marrell, I wondered if you would make it out here, or send us off to the reservation for medical care. I know it’s not easy for you, coming back. But I’m glad you have, because this is your home. Where you belong.”
He palpated for a vein, found it, then swabbed the area with an alcohol wipe, hoping the bead of nervous sweat forming on his forehead didn’t drop down and contaminate the area. “It goes with the job,” he said, deliberately holding back from the vein stick now that his hands were shaking. “That’s all.”
Winona laid her hand over his to stop the shaking. “Look, Jack. Nobody but the chief ever says anything about it. Nobody blames you. Things were different then. Different lives, different priorities. And you were in a tough spot…we were taking too much from you. We’d never had regular care before, and we were taking advantage of you. Expecting house calls all hours of the day or night. Asking you to drive out to places you shouldn’t have had to drive to in order to see a patient who could as easily have come in to you. We were greedy, and you were too good. It all contributed.”
He blew out a frustrated breath and backed away from the exam table. “I contributed,” he said quite simply. “Just me. I knew what the job would be like here, and I accepted that. Accepted the fact that some things would be neglected in order to see to others. And I blame myself for that. For…everything.”
“I know you do. Everybody knows. But why does everything have to come with blame? What happened was an accident…a horrible tragedy. Nobody, including you, meant it to happen. And after the initial shock of their deaths, nobody blamed you. But you were already gone by then, and probably didn’t even know that.”
“Palloton told me. But it didn’t matter.”
“You could have come back, you know.”
“To what? I didn’t have anything here. No wife, no daughter. Just memories I didn’t want to have.” He laid down the syringe with which he’d intended to stick her. “Look, I’m going to ask Carrie to draw your blood. You know what they say—doctors are the worst at it. Lucky for you, she’s not a doctor.”
“I wanted to ask you over for dinner. You’ve never seen my son, and since you and Palloton and my husband were such good friends, I thought it would be nice for everybody to get together. But Palloton said you’d probably refuse. So, will you…refuse?”
He blinked, then looked her straight in the eyes. “You know why I have to.”
“No, I don’t, Jack. We’re your friends. We have been for a long, long time.”
“Except we’re not all here anymore, are we?” he said bitterly.
Winona slid off the table but made no effort to leave the area. “We miss her, Jack. We all do. And Alice. But we miss you, too, because even though you’re not one of us, you’re part of us. Anyway, since I know how stubborn you can get, Palloton asked me to make arrangements for Howard Lone Bear and his family to feed you tonight. And Jane Yazzie has made up her parents’ house for you…they’re staying on the reservation right now until Ivy delivers. She’s having twins, in case you’re interested.”
“Thanks,” he said, sounding not wholeheartedly enthused. He’d known this would be hard, but he hadn’t counted on how hard it would be. In fact, now he wished he’d simply sent Carrie. “Tell William that if he doesn’t make it in today, I’ll look him up tomorrow.”
“He’d like that. You know, he kept that picture of the three of you, the one where you’re getting ready to go up the side of Bald Face. That was a good day, Jack. William still talks about it. He wishes the three of you could do it again. Do you still climb?”
“Not lately, but I’m going to…” He shook his head, squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead. “My mother asked me to teach a mountain rescue course, and climbing goes with it.”
“That’s what you always wanted, isn’t it?”
He nodded.
“Well, I’m glad it’s working out for you. Tell Doc Dora for me that we’re all behind her in this. William doesn’t have time to take the course now, but I’ll bet he’d be interested in taking it eventually, if you offer it again, since he’s agreed to head up the volunteer firefighters here shortly. Talk to him and see what he thinks.”
“I will,” Jack said, wondering how he’d ever face someone so tied to his past on a day-to-day basis, if William did end up taking one of his courses. He was Evangeline’s cousin. They’d been raised together as brother and sister. Another one of those bits and pieces Palloton said he needed to resolve. “Whenever he wants to take it, it’s on me. No fee. Just let me know when he wants and I’ll put him on the roster. Now, let me go up front and tell Carrie what labs to draw on you.”
Winona stepped up to Jack, stood on her toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I wish this was better for you Jack,” she said sympathetically. “We all do.”
He did, too. But the memories, the pain…
How could it not be difficult returning to the place where he’d killed his wife and daughter?