“I WASN’T SURE what to do,” Palloton explained as he held the door open for Carrie and Jack. “I got her to lie down and I’ve been taking her pulse, which is one hundred-fifty.”
Carrie cringed, then asked, “While she’s lying down?” It had taken them twice as long as it should have to get there, owing to the road conditions. Icy at the start, getting worse the higher they’d got. She’d nearly slid off the road twice, turning completely around once in a spin. Good thing she was from Chicago where snow, ice and bad driving conditions were a huge thing in the winter. She was glad Jack had trusted her with that. So much so, he hadn’t been as nervous about it as she’d been. He hadn’t even grumbled when she’d finally called it quits, parked the truck, and told him they were going to hike the rest of the way because the truck wasn’t going to make it all the way up. So they’d spent an extra half-hour on foot, cutting through some mighty tough terrain, alternately taking the lead, then helping the other along in the worst spots. He’d pull her up on one outcrop of rocks, she’d pull him up the next.
* * *
Carrying the litter that last little bit had slowed them, too. But she was glad they had it. Glad that Jack was a good teacher and had drummed that lesson into her head. That, and many more.
Getting up here—it was almost like they worked this way all the time. They’d found an unspoken rhythm and a routine that worked. It was nice. Before, in her job, it had always been on the edge of adversarial, them against her, or the other way around. But this was them, together. And it was such a good fit. Now, as they were starting on Priscilla, she only hoped their delay hadn’t caused even more problems for the old woman.
Palloton nodded. “She’s breathing too fast, too. I counted her respirations at about twenty-six, give or take. I don’t know if she’s got a fever…I couldn’t find a thermometer…but she doesn’t feel hot.”
Carrie looked at Jack, who was on his way to the hall. “So, what exactly is her diagnosed condition. You didn’t tell me last time we were out here.”
Jack paused, then turned back to Carrie. “It’s an intermittent tachycardia, which would normally be treated by a beta-blocker, if my grandmother would take a beta-blocker. But I’m betting she hasn’t taken one pill of her prescription.”
“Paradoxical supraventricular tachycardia?” Carrie asked.
“Exactly,” Jack said, arching impressed eyebrows.
“I study,” she told him, as she knew most doctors didn’t expect that kind of specialized knowledge from a paramedic.
“Indeed you do. So now…what?” he asked.
“She’s going to need an adenosine intravenous injection before she goes into atrial fib.”
“Why didn’t you go to medical school, Carrie?” he asked. “Because you’re good.”
“No time, no money. Got myself as far as my circumstances would allow me, and I’m happy here.” She grabbed the backpack and pulled out a bag of IV solution and tubing to prepare for the procedure. “It’s good work, Jack. Maybe not what I really wanted, but I like what I do.”
“Have you ever considered going on for more?”
“Sometimes. And I might. Or I might not. It depends on where I finally land, I suppose. So, what do we do about getting her to the hospital? Because getting her out of here…I’m not even sure we can do that. Especially now that it’s dark.”
“If she’ll go to the hospital,” he said, turning back to the hall, then disappearing.
“She’s not going to agree to any of this.” Palloton stepped around Carrie on his way back into the bedroom. “She already told me she wasn’t leaving here, that Jack would have to treat her where she is, because she isn’t going down the side of the mountain on a stretcher.”
“Is that the only alternative?”
“Maybe. I’ve been assessing the situation, and we don’t have a lot of options. So, what’s up with the truck? Can we get her that far, then drive her out?”
Carrie shook her head. “Road’s too iced over. It’s off the road, and there’s no traction to get it back on.”
“OK, well, let me see if I can figure out plan B.”
Plan B… Carrie sighed as she joined Jack in the bedroom, where he was already assessing Priscilla’s vital signs.
Carrie immediately went to work inserting an IV, and by the time she was finished, Jack had completed his assessment. “She’s not as bad as she could be,” he said gravely. “But I don’t think we’ve got time to wait until we can get someone up here to help get her out the proper way, which could be sometime tomorrow, after it’s light again. I don’t want to wait that long. I need her back at Sinclair as fast as we can to get her stabilized.”
“Well, Palloton’s working on a plan B.”
“Plan B is never good. Especially since I already know what that’s going to have to be.”
Carrie was afraid she did, too. “Down the side of the mountain?”
“By foot,” Jack confirmed. “Even though my grandmother’s going to refuse it.”
“Can the three of us do that? The snow’s picking up. Not bad yet, but bad enough.”
“As bad as Chicago snow?” he asked, grinning.
“Chicago snow’s flat on the ground. This snow is on the side of a mountain. My preference is for flat, Chicago snow any day.”
Jack chuckled. “Spoken like a true city girl.”
“Yeah, well, tonight you’d better hope city girl can be rugged mountain girl, because that’s who you’ll need to help get your grandmother out of here.” She was praying she could do this. Snow wasn’t the issue. Getting down the mountain in it was.
“I wish we had some kind of screw vehicle for these rescues,” he said, checking his grandmother’s blood pressure again.
“What’s that?” Carrie asked.
Priscilla was the one to tell her. “It’s a vehicle that can take on the ice and snow like nothing you ever saw. Right now I’m wishing you had one, too, ’cause I don’t trust the bunch of you carrying me down on foot. I want to live to tell the tale.”
“A little hike in the woods isn’t going to kill you, old woman,” Jack said affectionately, as he took hold of her hand and held it. “You’ve done worse.”
“Done better, too,” she said, her voice noticeably weakening. Then she nodded at Carrie. “Glad you brought her along. She’s the one I’m counting on to take care of me.”
Jack tightened his squeeze on his grandmother’s hand. “You’re going to be fine,” he reassured her.
“If you don’t drop me over the side of the mountain.” Priscilla closed her eyes and let out a long, exhausted sigh.
Jack looked up at Carrie but didn’t say a word. He didn’t have to. She already knew, she’d already seen the worry in his eyes. “I think we need to start back down right away,” she said.
“I know,” he said. “Because her heart rate’s up and her blood pressure’s dropping.”
She stepped up behind him and squeezed his shoulder. “We’re going to get her through this, Jack.”
He stood and whispered in Carrie’s ear, “If she lasts the night.”
The reality of his words hit hard, and for the first time Carrie truly understood what mountain rescue was all about. It wasn’t just the adrenaline rush of the climb and the excitement of going over a cliff to rescue a climber, or two days out on a search. It was about the normal things—the heart attacks, the broken legs, injuries she’d seen as a cop. But this…it scared her, and she was glad she had Jack to rely on. To pull her through it.
Palloton stepped into the doorway. “Tell me what I need to do, Wiwa.”
Jack motioned Palloton and Carrie down the hall before he spoke. “Give me your opinion. Down Larson’s Pass? It’s longer but easier.”
“Unless you want to try going over Monty’s Ridge,” Palloton said, “and down from there. Even with the snow and ice, it could shave off maybe half the time. And we’ll be able to get cell reception quicker, which means we can have an ambulance waiting for us at the trailhead, rather than us having to wait for an ambulance since we can’t call until we reach the flats, which is what’ll happen if we take Larson’s.”
Carrie was impressed with the men’s knowledge of the mountain. Not only of the mountain but all the details that could make or break a rescue. Jack wanted her to eventually lead a team, but could she ever be as good as these two? Or have the same kind of knowledge they did? “If Monty’s is faster, why would you even consider something else?” she asked.
Palloton was the one to answer. “Because Jack’s not sure you’re up to Monty’s. Beginners have no business on it.”
“Can the two of you get us where we need to go in the dark?” she asked.
“We can,” Jack said.
“And you want me to stay in Saka’am and be a team leader at some point?” she asked him.
“I do,” he answered.
“Then, as team leader, I make the decisions. Correct?”
Jack nodded. “But not this time. I know where this is going, and I’ve got to be as responsible for your life as I am for my grandmother’s. You’re not up to Monty’s.”
“Will Priscilla survive it?” she asked.
“She will, because Palloton and I know how to get her down.”
“Then that’s what you do. You get her down, and I’ll get me down. My decision, Jack. We’ll take her down Monty’s. I’m not afraid of it, and I’m not afraid of being left behind, if that’s what you must do. I’m perfectly capable of hunkering down for a night and getting myself back to town in the morning, if that’s what it comes to.” She was good in the snow, she wasn’t afraid of that. Or the dark, or the cold. She’d spent years in far worse than that, and had survived. So this didn’t worry her.
“Or you could stay here, at my grandmother’s, until someone can come get you.”
“What? And miss my first mountain rescue? Not a chance.” If this was what her future life was going to be about, she was not going to be left behind. Even if Jack issued the order. “I’m going down with you, like it or not.”
“And this is where Carrie gets insubordinate,” Jack snapped, then immediately pulled back. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m just worried.”
“Not insubordinate, Jack,” she said, sympathetic to his position. “Confident. I’m really good at trial by fire and this is where I get to prove myself.”
“It’s not about proving yourself, Carrie. It’s about saving our patient. That’s the only thing it’s about.”
“If you don’t force me to stay back, I can do exactly what I’m supposed to.”
“We don’t have time to debate this, Carrie. Going down with Palloton and me means you follow orders, from either one of us. You don’t go out on your own. You don’t jump the scene. You do as we tell you. Do you understand that? Because I can’t have—I won’t have people on my team who can’t follow the rules.”
He was so…in command in a way she hadn’t seen him before. Of course, she hadn’t been in a situation like this with him before, so this was a new side of him, and she liked it. It filled her with confidence. With Jack in charge, this was going to work. And, in the meantime, she would get to show him some of her skills, even if he wasn’t specifically looking for them. Hopefully she’d even impress him. “Yes, I understand.”
“We could use her, Jack,” Palloton said. “Some of those descents are pretty steep, and having three people going down them will be a big help.”
He regarded her for a minute, and she couldn’t read his expression. “I can help,” she added. “You know I can.”
“I know other things about you, too, Carrie. Which is why I’m hesitating.”
“Well, hesitating isn’t getting your grandmother out of here. So, yes or no. Do I go, do I stay?”
“If I tell you to stay, would you?”
Honestly, probably not. It would be her inclination to simply follow them, make herself ready if they needed extra help. She was sure this was what Jack was thinking. “I don’t know,” she finally said.
“Which leaves me no choice, does it? Look, I know you’re good, and I know you want to be part of this. But don’t do what you typically do, Carrie. OK?”
She nodded. “I’ll do what I need to do.”
“Then get yourself ready. I want to be out of here inside fifteen minutes. Down Monty’s.”
Monty’s. She could do this. And prove to Jack she was the perfect choice to head one of his teams. He’d see that.
* * *
“She’s a good one, Jack,” Palloton said, as Carrie was getting Priscilla dressed for the trip. “Crazy about you. Trying as hard as she can to break through. So, if I were you…”
“It won’t work. If I thought there was any chance it could…” He shook his head. “But there’s not. I don’t have what she needs.”
“I don’t think she sees it that way.”
“She’s in a new situation. She comes from a very difficult background. What she sees in me is a way to get past that. That’s all. I represent something she wants, something she’s never had, and eventually she’ll recognize that she wants what I represent and not who I am.”
“Or maybe she knows what she wants more than you give her credit for. Look, I’ve got the stretcher ready. So as soon as Carrie gets Priscilla squared away…”
Jack nodded. Then went to see his grandmother.
“Carrie said you’re taking me down over Monty’s,” Priscilla said, her voice weak but her smile vibrant. “She’s a nice girl, Jackie. Remember that, in case anything happens. She’s a very nice girl, and I approve.”
“Save your breath, old woman,” he said, as he took hold of her hand. “I know what you’re up to and it’s not going to work. She works for me. That’s all there is.”
Priscilla gave her grandson a wink. “I’m sure,” she said. “And you don’t have to do this, Jackie. I never meant to be a burden to anyone. I can face whatever happens. I’m ready.”
“You’re not a burden,” Jack said tenderly. “A pain in the backside maybe. But not a burden.”
“You’re a good boy, Jackie. Always have been. And all that in the past with Evangeline…”
“Look, Priscilla, you need to save your strength. Getting you out of here isn’t going to be easy, and I don’t want you going into any kind of distress once we get started. So, please, just rest now. Let me do what I have to do, and before you know it you’ll be at Sinclair, in a warm bed, making demands of all the nurses.”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to leave me here and let nature finally take her course?” the old woman asked. “I’ve lived a good life, Jackie. No regrets. Maybe it’s time…”
Carrie, who was standing in the doorway, bit her lip to fight back tears, and glanced over at Jack, who looked almost in tears himself. Then she stepped to his side and put a supporting arm around his waist. “No way,” she said, struggling to keep the quiver from her voice. “I need this experience, and I’m not going to let you ruin it for me. Jack’s a strict instructor, and he’d fail me if I simply walked away. So you’re going to have to put up with that bumpy ride, because I’m determined to pass his course.” She tightened her squeeze around his waist. “Besides, Jack needs someone in his corner, and you’re the only one he allows to get close.”
“Seems like he’s let you in, too,” Priscilla said.
Carrie looked at Jack, then shook her head. “Not yet.” Then she pulled away and went to the bureau to look for warm socks.
“You should, Jackie. Like I said, she’s a good one.”
“So I’ve been told,” he said, then exited the room. Those demons were knocking on his door, and now wasn’t the time to face them. But Priscilla was right about one thing. Carrie was a good one. He just hoped that her own demons didn’t take her over on the hike down. This was what he’d feared, though, when he’d accepted her into the program. Now it was time for her to prove herself. He only hoped she could.
* * *
“We’ll have her cross her arms…something I’m sure you already know,” Jack told Carrie. “Then we’ll get her onto the stretcher. You and I will do the carrying at first, because I want to reserve Palloton’s strength for a couple of the areas that are going to be the most difficult to get through. And be very specific about this…I’ll lift her head first, then afterward you’ll lift her feet. Always put your strongest body on the head, because the upper torso is the heaviest. And on the way down I like to count off the steps out loud.”
“Why?” she asked.
“So we can match rhythms. It makes it easier on the person you’re transporting. It keeps you in sync with the other person doing the carrying so there’s less jostling. It also lets them know you’re with them. And because I don’t like idle chatter. It distracts me.”
“Sounds easy enough,” she commented. This was all so easy to him. It was totally about common sense. Once again, she worried that she could never match up to what came so naturally to Jack but she so badly wanted to prove what she could do. All her life she’d had to prove herself one way or another, but this time it mattered more than anything else ever had. She wanted him to see, up close, what she’d told him she was capable of. She wanted to prove herself and while that wasn’t the intent of this rescue, it was always her personal intent. Prove herself, no matter where or what.
Jack actually laughed. “I’ll be daring you to say that after we get her down. Oh, and what you said to my grandmother about leaving her here…”
Carrie shook her head. “No need to say anything. I would never, ever consider leaving a patient behind, in any situation.”
Jack blew out a breath. “I didn’t expect you would. Anyway, let’s get this thing going.”
“Her vitals are holding,” Carrie said. “I checked them again while I was getting her ready to go, and they’re a little off but holding. I’m hoping she doesn’t panic once we actually take her out of here, because that will make things worse.”
“She won’t,” Jack said. “Priscilla knows what this is about. She’s done a few of these rescues in her day, so she’ll be fine. But since she’s right on the borderline between moderate and severe, I went ahead and gave her an anti-arrhythmic, to help keep her stable for now.”
“What about her cats?”
“Maybe I’ll start a rescue organization for stray animals in my spare time, and let Priscilla’s cats be my first.” He smiled. “They’ll be fine. It’s not like I haven’t come up here to take care of them before.”
She knew he would. In his own, standoffish way, Jack took care of everything.
* * *
It had been an hour and the trail was getting increasingly rougher. The night was cold, the wind was blowing, and the trail was slippery. Despite it all, Carrie was still on the foot end of the stretcher, carrying her share of the load without complaint. Palloton brought up the side with the supplies, while he kept the IV bag in position while Priscilla slept, or held so still it seemed like she was.
And Jack was so antsy he wanted to jump out of his skin. He was worried…about Priscilla, about Carrie’s lack of experience in these conditions. About getting off the damned mountain. That was something he always worried about—the details of the rescue. Because one detail skipped over, one missed step in the process… It’s what kept him on the edge. Kept his mind ticking off what needed to be done. Prevented him from becoming distracted by the things over which he had no control. Like now—the ice and snow. The steep incline. The fact that this was his grandmother.
But they were making steady progress, which was good. Priscilla was hanging in there, and he wasn’t discouraged. Unfortunately, the roughest part was still ahead, and getting Carrie through that worried him almost as much as getting his grandmother through it. “I need to stop for a minute,” he said, blowing out an exhausted breath. “We’re about to reach our first real hurdle, and I want to make sure I’m ready to tackle it.”
“Which is where Palloton takes over?” Carrie asked. “Because I’m good for a little while longer, if that’s what we need.” She set her end of the stretcher down very gingerly, then waited until Jack had lowered his before she swooped in to do an assessment of Priscilla. Jack busied himself with the IV, while Palloton made a couple of adjustments to the stretcher.
“It gets narrow in one area, so you’re going to have to bring up the rear, Carrie. I need Palloton’s strength getting through there. And I can’t look back to make sure you’re OK. You need to understand that. If something happens, Palloton and I will keep going, because once we start the steepest part of the descent, there’s no place to stop. This really isn’t the first rescue I’d put a beginner out on, so I’m sorry about this, but this is a good example of what you’ll be getting yourself into once you’re out on your own.”
“I’ll be fine,” she said. “You don’t have to worry about me.”
But he did. And the further into this thing they got—and he didn’t mean just this rescue—the more he did. “Shout if you have to drop back or drop out. Always let your team members know what you’re doing. And stay close to where you drop out, if that’s what you must do, so when we come back for you, we’ll know where to look. Like I said, first rule of the rescue…stay in touch.” He was praying that wouldn’t be the case, but this next stretch worried him. As much as he’d been up and down it, it wasn’t friendly. But it cut hours off the trip, and that was what he needed. So he took a drink of water, stuck the bottle in the backpack, then handed it to Carrie, and took his place at Priscilla’s feet, since he’d already carried the heaviest part of the load for the past hour.
And he kept thinking to himself that when they got down to the bottom, there were things he was going to change. A lot of things. “Ready?” he called, then braced himself as Palloton picked up his end of the stretcher and waited for Jack to do the same.
The first little bit wasn’t so bad, but all too soon they came to the first hurdle, a steep descent of about twenty feet. While it wasn’t a sheer drop-off, it was a challenge, especially at the top of it where the path was jagged with rocks and tree roots extended out over the trail, rather than burying themselves into the dirt below.
“You got it?” he called to Palloton, who was beginning to turn around since he’d have to elevate Priscilla’s head to get her down this part, meaning he was going to have to go backward now.
“Yep,” he called back, getting into position and starting to lift the stretcher.
“Can I wiggle in there somewhere to shine more light?” Carrie called out. “There’s that rock just ahead, and if I can get behind it, maybe I can get up top and shine the flashlight down on the trail ahead of you.”
“That takes a vertical climb in ice and snow, and you’re not ready for that,” Jack called back. “So just stay behind and do the best you can with the light.”
“But I’m looking at the rock right now, Jack, and it doesn’t seem like it would be a bad climb.”
“For someone with experience, maybe not. But you don’t have experience, so just follow us. OK? Don’t get sidetracked by something you can’t do, because if you get injured, there’s not a thing I can do to help you.”
“I’m capable,” she muttered. “And I won’t get hurt.”
Jack swallowed hard. This was where he’d known he might have a problem with Carrie. Her need to do it on her own. Maybe later, when she was trained and experienced, that stubborn streak wouldn’t be a bad thing. Her unwillingness to give up would save lives, he was sure of that. But getting her to that point… “But I’m not willing to risk that, Carrie, because we can’t get two of you out of here, and if your injury is serious, you might die of exposure, waiting for me to get back to rescue you. So, no. Direct order. Don’t do it. Do you understand me? I don’t want you attempting anything other than what I tell you to do.”
“Fine,” she said, huffing out an impatient breath.
He heard it, and smiled. She was a handful for sure. In a personal way, he liked that. Liked the challenge. Liked it that she always kept him on his toes. But professionally…
* * *
It was so frustrating not being able to contribute to this rescue in any substantial way. She could have gotten up that rock. She looked at it. It might have plenty of places to grab hold of, and she was certainly strong enough to pull herself up if she could find the right spot. After all, she’d become pretty good at the dead hang and horizontal climbing. And this would be a combination of both, only going up, not sideways. The light she could have given them from up there might cut ten or fifteen minutes off this part of the descent. It was a tricky one, she knew. But if they could only see the next step in front of them…
But no. She was bringing up the rear. Carrying medical supplies. Watching. Doing nothing. Actually, right now she was sitting on a rock, waiting, while they were trying to figure out how to get Priscilla down the next drop-off.
Carrie shone her light over on the rock she wanted to scale. There were so many advantages to this rescue if she could get up there… Standing, she walked across the narrow path, her light still shining on it. To explore it. Nothing else. And the front side didn’t seem to have everything she might have liked to climb it, but maybe around back…
She took a step off the path, then another and another…looking for the perfect spot. Not that she intended to climb. But still…
Shining her light right then left, she surveyed that rock like an art connoisseur might survey a masterwork, until… “Yes,” she said under her breath, taking several more steps to the rear, holding her flashlight in one hand and sliding her hand along the rock face with her other. It was damp. More like slick from a thin film of ice. Something she was positive Jack or Palloton could tackle.
She looked up at the top of the rock. It wasn’t so far. Maybe twenty or twenty-five feet. She’d scaled walls that high in her cop training. But this rock…yes, Jack could do it. Easily.
She closed her eyes for a moment and pictured him. His strength. His determination. He would climb this rock if it aided the rescue, she thought. He absolutely would. And if he got angry with her for discovering that, well…she could deal with it. She had from her superiors before. And Jack…he simply didn’t know what she could do. She hoped her little jaunt off the path would all blow over once she told him what she’d discovered. Besides, with Priscilla’s life hinging on getting her to the hospital as quickly as possible…
No more thinking. She was going back to the trail to have another go at him. To try to convince him that he could have the light he needed for the next leg of this. Now that she’d seen what she’d have to do, and understood it, she had no doubt. So it was about convincing Jack to do it, or let her…that was the biggest hurdle, not the rock.
Carrie started her trip back to the path, maybe too eagerly, because she wasn’t even halfway there when she took a misstep and twisted her ankle. Dropping to her knees, she slipped sideways in the snow and ice, right down a little embankment. She kept rolling, even though she fought to reach out and grab hold of something…anything. But there was nothing to help her. Nothing at all, until she hit the bottom with a thud so hard it knocked the breath out of her, and her voice. No way to get to Jack now. Not even to call out to him as she grappled to breathe again.
So, there she was. Alone, in trouble. Snow coming down on her. Her ankle throbbing. Her back aching. Not even sure if she’d broken any bones or not. Right where Jack had expected her to end up.
Discouraged, and still breathing hard, Carrie shut her eyes. In a minute she’d have to brace herself to stay there. Right now, all she wanted to do was cry. And she did. Quietly. Not even aware that her tears were freezing on her eyelashes.
* * *
“Sorry, Jack. There’s no sign of her.”
Palloton had been out looking for ten minutes while he’d stayed behind with his grandmother. “No tracks?”
“If there were, I couldn’t see them.”
“The medical bag?”
Palloton help it up. “Sitting on a rock about twenty feet back.”
Slowly, Jack stood up, looked around, even though he couldn’t see much of anything. He hated this. Hated the decision he was going to make. Hated that even though he’d told her not to go up on that rock, he was sure she had. God only knew what had happened to her in the process.
“What did she think she was doing?” he asked. “Why didn’t she tell us where she was going, or call out when she got herself in trouble?”
“Maybe she couldn’t, Jack. Accidents happen out here.”
“And stubbornness.” Something he didn’t want to think about but couldn’t dismiss. Sighing heavily, he finally said, “We’ve got to go on. We’ve stayed here too long, and Carrie…” His voice cracked. “She knew the consequences if she went off on her own.”
Palloton stepped up behind him and patted him on the shoulder. “We’ll come back up at first light. Carrie knows how to take care of herself, so she’ll be fine until then.”
He hoped so. And that was all he had to hang on to as they made their way down the mountain, and the only sounds he could hear were the crunching of snow under their boots and the interminable counting. What he wanted to hear was Carrie. But he didn’t. And he knew that after he squared his grandmother away at the hospital, the worst was yet to come.
Tonight, he hated this. Hated every bit of it. He’d failed Evangeline and she’d died. And he’d failed Carrie. He should have insisted that she stay back. Tried hard than he did. Watched her better. And now she…
He swallowed hard, refusing to think the last. He had a rescue to complete and nothing else mattered. Even though his heart was pounding so frantically it felt like it was about to explode.
* * *
Carrie found a tree that would shelter her from some of the snow and dragged herself up under it. She pulled down a couple of low-hanging branches to cover herself with, then sat upright to keep as much of herself off the icy ground as she could, and to help fight off sleep, then she pulled herself tight into a ball. This was her night, and this was the only way she knew how to survive it. She’d read it in Jack’s notes. She’d skipped ahead of the class and read all the way through everything he’d written, and now, she was relying on it to keep her alive.
Still, why had she put herself in this spot? Why did she always put herself in some kind of bad spot? She didn’t mean to be insubordinate. She only ever wanted to help. Tonight, she’d wanted to prove to Jack that she could be valuable to him. Which had landed her here. And probably without a position in his program, as well. Because he wouldn’t back down from what he’d said about not allowing people in who couldn’t follow orders. He was right. He couldn’t. So why had she done this? Why did she always mess up?
“Because I don’t trust myself to hang on to what I get after I get it.” Because she’d always wanted what she didn’t have, and when she finally did get it, she put up walls to keep it in, to guard it jealously. Like her ambition. And her successes. She got arrogant about them. Or was she merely insecure? Because if she ever gave in to admitting she had so much to learn, she’d realize how much she still didn’t know. In a life where not knowing resulted in bad things happening, she couldn’t let that happen.
So she fought everyone who threatened to show her how much she didn’t know, which was only fighting herself. But she wasn’t in that life now. It was her past, and she had to keep it there or she’d forever be looking for something she wouldn’t find. Her stability. Her happiness. Her true belief in herself. The kind of belief Jack had had in her until now. Until now…
Thinking about that made her sad. And angry at herself. And very, very scared because this time there was no one to blame but herself. Before, it had been her mother, her foster parents, her supervisor, her lifestyle. Everything but her had caused her misery. Tonight she was the only one who’d caused it. This time, though, the hurt wasn’t going to go away or be put aside when she took on something else. This time she’d hurt herself in a way that wouldn’t heal.
Carrie swallowed hard. No arguments now. She’d accept what she had to. And move on. But wiser, she hoped. It hurt so much all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and hope he didn’t find her, hope she wouldn’t have to face him. Hope she could get out on her own, grab Bella, then slip out of town so Jack wouldn’t be forced into making a decision she knew he wouldn’t want to make.
The thought of putting him in that position made her feel so sick to her stomach that she vomited. Then she wiped her mouth on her sleeve, dropped her head onto her knees and cried for all the things she hadn’t done, and for all the things she had. She also cried for her failure because, for the first time, she was admitting she had failed. Failed miserably. And she didn’t know how, or if, she could turn back from that.
Most of all, she cried for the loss of her dream—a future with Jack. It was gone. Completely, totally gone.