Watching their babies grow is, for many parents, one of the most interesting and rewarding experiences of their lives. Parents love to record and celebrate the first time their babies sit up, crawl, say their first words, feed themselves, and a myriad of other precious “firsts.”
But few parents stop to think about what’s happening in their babies’ minds that allows them to learn these skills when they do. We know that a baby’s perception of the world is growing and changing when she suddenly is able to play peek-a-boo or to recognize Grandma’s voice on the telephone. These moments are as remarkable as the first time she crawls, but even more mysterious because they involve things happening inside her brain that we cannot see. They’re proof that her brain is growing as rapidly as her chubby little body.
But every parent discovers sooner or later that the first 20 months of life can be a bumpy road. While parents revel in their children’s development and share their joy as they discover the world around them, parents also find that at times baby joyfulness can suddenly turn to abject misery. A baby can seem as changeable as a spring day.
At times, life with baby can be a very trying experience. Inexplicable crying bouts and fussy periods are likely to drive both mother and father to desperation, as they wonder what’s wrong with their little tyke and try every trick to soothe her or coax her to happiness, to no avail.
For 35 years, we have been studying interactions between mothers and babies. We have documented—in objective observations, from personal records, and on videotape—the times at which mothers report their babies to be “difficult.” These difficult periods are usually accompanied by the three C’s: Clinginess, Crankiness, and Crying. We now know that they are the telltale signs of a period in which the child makes a major leap forward in his development.
It is well known that a child’s physical growth progresses in what are commonly called “growth spurts.” A child’s mental development progresses in much the same way.
Recent neurological studies on the growth and development of the brain support our observations of mother and baby interactions. Study of the physical events that accompany mental changes in the brain is still in its infancy. Yet, at six of the ten difficult ages we see take place in the first 20 months, major changes in the brain have been identified by other scientists. Each major change announces a leap forward in mental development of the kind we are describing in this book. We expect that studies of other critical ages will eventually show similar results.
It is hardly surprising, when you think of the number of changes that your baby has to go through in just the first 20 months of life, that he should occasionally feel out of sorts. Growing up is hard work!
In this book, we outline the ten major developmental leaps that all babies go through in the first 20 months of their lives. Each leap allows your baby to assimilate information in a new way and use it to advance the skills she needs to grow, not just physically but also mentally, into a fully functioning, thinking adult.
Each leap is invariably preceded by what we call a fussy phase or clingy period, in which the baby demands extra attention from her mother or other caregiver. The amazing and wonderful thing is that all babies go through these difficult periods at exactly the same time, give or take a week or two, during the first 20 months of their lives.
These ten developmental leaps that infants undergo are not necessarily in sync with physical growth spurts, although they may occasionally coincide. Many of the common milestones for a baby’s first 20 months of development, such as cutting teeth, are also unrelated to these leaps in mental development.
Milestones in mental development may, on the other hand, be reflected in physical progress, although they are by no means limited to that.
Shortly before each leap, a sudden and extremely rapid change occurs within the baby. It’s a change in the nervous system, chiefly the brain, and it may be accompanied by some physical changes as well. In this book we call this a “big change.” Each big change brings the baby a new kind of perception and alters the way that she perceives the world. And each time a new kind of perception swamps your baby, it also brings the means of learning a new set of skills appropriate for that world. For instance, at approximately 8 weeks, the big change in the brain enables the baby to perceive simple patterns for the first time.
During the initial period of disturbance that the big change always brings, you may already notice new behaviors emerging. Shortly thereafter, you most certainly will. In the 8-week example, your baby will suddenly show an interest in visible shapes, patterns, and structures, such as cans on a supermarket shelf or the slats on her crib. Physical developments may be seen as well. For example, she may start to gain some control over her body, since she now recognizes the way her arms and legs work in precise patterns and is able to control them. So, the big change alters the perception of sensations inside the baby’s body as well as outside it.
The major sign of a big change is that the baby’s behavior takes an inexplicable turn for the worse. Sometimes it will seem as if your baby has become a changeling. You will notice a fussiness that wasn’t there in the previous weeks and often there will be bouts of crying that you are at a loss to explain. This is very worrisome, especially when you encounter it for the first time, but it is perfectly normal. When their babies become more difficult and demanding, many mothers wonder if their babies are becoming ill. Or they may feel annoyed, not understanding why their babies are suddenly so fussy and trying.
Babies all undergo these fussy phases at around the same ages. During the first 20 months of a baby’s life, there are ten developmental leaps with their corresponding fussy periods at onset. The fussy periods come at 5, 8, 12, 15, 23, 34, 42, 51, 60 and 71 weeks. The onsets may vary by a week or two, but you can be sure of their arrival.
In this book, we confine ourselves to the developmental period from birth to just past the first year and a half of your baby’s life. This pattern does not end when your baby has become a toddler, however. Several more leaps have been documented throughout childhood, and even into the teenage years.
The initial fussy phases your baby goes through as an infant do not last long. They can be as short as a few days—although they often seem longer to parents distressed over an infant’s inexplicable crying. The intervals between these early periods are also short—3 or 4 weeks, on average.
Later, as the changes your infant undergoes become more complex, they take longer for her to assimilate and the fussy periods may last from 1 to 6 weeks. Every baby will be different, however. Some babies find change more distressing than others, and some changes will be more distressing than others. But every baby will be upset to some degree while these big changes are occurring in her life.
Every big change is closely linked to changes in the developing infant’s nervous system, so nature’s timing for developmental leaps is actually calculated from the date of conception. In this book, we use the more conventional calculation of age from a baby’s birth date. Therefore, the ages given at which developmental leaps occur are calculated for full-term babies. If your baby was premature or very late, you should adjust the ages accordingly. For example, if your baby was born 2 weeks late, her first fussy phase will probably occur 2 weeks earlier than we show here. If she was 4 weeks early, it will occur 4 weeks later. Remember to make allowances for this with each of the ten developmental leaps.
All babies experience fussy periods when big changes in their development occur. Usually calm, easygoing babies will react to these changes just as much as more difficult, temperamental babies do. But not surprisingly, temperamental babies will have more difficulty in dealing with them than their calmer counterparts. Mothers of “difficult” babies will also have a harder time as their babies already require more attention and will demand even more when they have to cope with these big changes. These babies will have the greatest need for mommy, the most conflict with their mothers, and the largest appetite for learning.
To the baby, these big changes always come as a shock, as they turn the familiar world he has come to know inside out. If you stop to think about this, it makes perfect sense. Just imagine what it would be like to wake up and find yourself on a strange planet where everything was different from the one you were used to. What would you do?
You wouldn’t want to calmly eat or take a long nap. Neither does your baby.
All she wants is to cling tightly to someone she feels safe with. To make matters more challenging for you and your baby, each developmental leap is different. Each gives the baby a new kind of perception that allows him to learn a new set of skills that belong to the new developmental world— skills he could not possibly have learned at an earlier age, no matter how much encouragement you gave him.
We will describe the perceptual changes your baby undergoes in each developmental leap, as well as the new skills that then become available to him. You will notice that each world builds upon the foundations of the previous one. In each new world, your baby can make lots of new discoveries. Some skills he discovers will be completely new, while others will be an improvement on skills he acquired earlier.
No two babies are exactly the same. Each baby has his own preferences, temperament, and physical characteristics, and these will lead him to select things in this new world that he, personally, finds interesting. Where one baby will quickly sample everything, another will be captivated by one special skill. These differences are what makes babies unique. If you watch, you will see your baby’s unique personality emerging as he grows.
You are the person your baby knows best. She trusts you more and has known you longer than anyone else. When her world has been turned inside out, she will be completely bewildered. She will cry, sometimes incessantly, and she will like nothing better than to be simply carried in your arms all day long. As she gets older, she will do anything to stay near you. Sometimes she will cling to you and hold on for dear life. She may want to be treated like a tiny baby again. These are all signs that she is in need of comfort and security. This is her way of feeling safe. You could say that she is returning to home base, clinging to mommy.
When your baby suddenly becomes fussy, you may feel worried or even irritated by her troublesome behavior. You will want to know what’s wrong with her, and you will wish that she would become her old self again. Your natural reaction will be to watch her even more closely. It’s then that you are likely to discover that she knows much more than you thought. You may notice that she’s attempting to do things you have never seen her do before. It may dawn on you that your baby is changing, although your baby has known it for some time already.
Quality Time: An Unnatural Whim
When a baby is allowed to decide for himself when and what sort of attention he prefers, you’ll notice this differs from one week to the next. When a big change occurs within a baby he will go through the following phases.
Because of this, planned playtimes are unnatural. If you want your baby’s undivided attention, you have to play when it suits him. It is impossible to plan having fun with a baby. In fact, he may not even appreciate your attention at the time you had set aside for “quality time.” Gratifying, tender, and funny moments simply happen with babies.
As her mother, you are in the best position to give your baby things that she can handle and to meet her needs. If you respond to what your baby is trying to tell you, you will help her progress. Obviously, your baby may enjoy certain games, activities, and toys that you, personally, find less appealing, while you may enjoy others that she does not like at all. Don’t forget that mothers are unique, too. You can also encourage her if she loses interest or wants to give up too easily. With your help, she will find the whole play-and-learn process more challenging and fun, too.
When your baby learns something new, it often means that she has to break an old habit. Once she can crawl, she is perfectly capable of fetching her own playthings, and once she can walk quite confidently on her own, she can’t expect to be carried as often as before. Each leap forward in her development will make her more capable and more independent.
This is the time when mother and baby may have problems adjusting to one another. There is often a big difference in what baby wants and what mother wants or thinks is good for the baby, and this can lead to anger and resentment on both sides. When you realize what new skills your baby is trying to exercise, you will be better equipped to set the right
The troublesome phase stops just as suddenly as it started. Most mothers see this as a time to relax and enjoy their babies. The pressure to provide constant attention is off. The baby has become more independent, and she is often busy putting her new skills into practice. She is more cheerful at this stage, too. Unfortunately, this period of relative peace and quiet doesn’t last long—it’s just a lull before the next storm. Nature does not allow babies to rest for long.