Watch any new mother when she holds her baby for the first time. Chances are she’ll follow this particular pattern: First she’ll run her fingers through his hair. Then she’ll run a finger around his head and over his face. After this, she’ll feel his fingers and toes. Then she’ll slowly move toward his middle, along his arms, legs, and neck. Finally, she’ll touch his tummy and chest.
The way in which mothers generally touch their newborn babies is often very similar, too. First a new mother will touch her infant with her fingertips only, stroking and handling him very gently. Slowly but surely, as she becomes more comfortable, she’ll use all of her fingers and may sometimes squeeze him. Finally, she’ll touch him with the palm of her hand. When she eventually dares to hold him by the chest or tummy, the new mother will be so delighted that she may exclaim what a miracle it is that she has produced something as precious as this.
Ideally, this discovery process should happen as close to birth as possible. After a mother’s first encounter with her baby, she will no longer be afraid to pick him up, turn him around, or put him down. She will know how her little one feels to the touch.
Every baby looks and feels different. Try picking up another baby if his mother will allow it, and you’ll find that it’s a strange experience. It will take a minute or two to get used to the other infant. This is because you have become so accustomed to your baby.
The sooner a mother becomes confident handling her baby, the quicker she can begin responding sensitively to his needs. A baby shouldn’t be dumped in his mother’s arms; she should be allowed all the time she needs to take her baby into her arms herself. This sort of tuning-in to the new baby is easily interrupted if others don’t give the mother space at the birth. If the new mother feels that things are not under her control, she may feel powerless and even afraid to handle her baby.
A mother is usually extremely perceptive to her newborn baby in the first hours after birth. Try to have your baby with you at this critical time to get to know each other. Your newborn baby is often wide awake during this period. She is aware of her surroundings, she turns toward quiet sounds, and she fixes her gaze on the face that happens to hover above her. Most mothers love it if the father is there, too, so they can share this experience as a brand-new family.
Take control of the situation as soon as you are able, and get to know your baby as soon as you can. Even if the baby has to be placed in an incubator, spend as much time with him as you can and look after as many aspects of his care as you are able. Talk to him to let him know you are there when you are not able to touch him.
Be sure to speak up. If you want to have your baby near you, or if you want to be alone with him for a while, say so. You decide how often you want to pick him up and cuddle him.
The majority of mothers whose early contact with their newborns was thwarted by hospital procedures or others around them say that they regret not having spent more time alone with their babies during this period. Many mothers feel resentful about this for quite some time. The maternity period wasn’t like they imagined. Instead of enjoying a well-earned rest, they felt harassed. They had wanted to have their babies near them all the time, especially when the little ones were crying. If they were not allowed to hold their babies, the new mothers felt disappointed and annoyed. They felt as if they were being treated like immature, helpless children who were incapable of deciding for themselves what was best for them and their babies. These feelings have also been expressed by fathers, too, who felt overwhelmed by hospital rules and frustrated by meddling from others.
“I had to do as I was told. I wasn’t just told how to sit during nursing, but also when I could nurse, and for how long. I also had to allow my baby to cry whenever it wasn’t “his time” yet. I was annoyed most of the time, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I nursed him in secret. I just couldn’t stand hearing him cry, and I wanted to comfort him. My breasts kept swelling and shrinking all day long. I’d really had more than I could take. I was the one who had given birth, and I wanted my baby. I was so angry that I just started crying. But of course they had a name for that, too— ‘maternity tears.’ That was the last straw. All I wanted was my baby and a bit of peace and quiet.”
Paul’s mom
“I had a long delivery. Our baby was taken away from us immediately. For hours, we assumed we’d had a baby boy. When I got my baby back later on, it turned out to be a girl. We were shocked. It wasn’t that we didn’t want a girl, but we had started getting used to the idea that we had a son.”
Jenny’s mom
“When I nursed my baby, I liked to snuggle up to her and get nice and close. But the maternity nurse wouldn’t let me. She made me lean back into the cushions on the sofa. It felt so unnatural—detached and unemotional.”
Nina’s mom
When mothers have problems with their babies shortly after the birth, they often say this is because they don’t feel completely confident. They are afraid of dropping them or holding them too tightly. They haven’t learned to assess their babies’ needs and responses to certain situations. They feel they are failing as mothers.
Some mothers think this has to do with the fact that they saw so little of their babies just after the birth. They would have loved to have spent more time with their babies back then, but now they feel relieved when the babies are back in their cribs. They’ve become afraid of motherhood.
“Because I had a difficult birth, we had to stay in the hospital for 10 days. I was only allowed to see my baby during the day, at nursing times. Nothing was the way I had imagined it would be. I’d planned to breastfeed, but sometimes the staff gave my baby a bottle on the sly, to make things easier for themselves. At night, they always gave her bottles. I wanted to have her near me more often, but they wouldn’t allow it. I felt helpless and angry. When I was allowed to go home, I felt that they might as well keep her. By that time, she felt like a stranger, like she wasn’t mine.”
Juliette’s mom
Do Remember
Cuddle, rock, caress, and massage your baby when she is in a good mood, since this is the best time to find out what suits her and what relaxes her most. When you know her preferences, you will be able to use these methods to comfort her later on when she is upset. If you cuddle, rock, caress, and massage her only when she is in a bad mood, the “comfort” will cause her to cry even longer and louder.
“The maternity nurse was a nuisance. She stayed when I had company, did most of the talking, and went on and on telling everyone about every case she’d been on that had ever gone just the slightest bit wrong. For some reason, she was overly concerned that my healthy baby would turn yellow. She would check on her every hour, sometimes every 15 minutes, and tell me she thought she’d seen the first signs of jaundice. It made me so nervous. When I tried to breastfeed, the nurse kept interrupting by whisking my hungry baby off to be weighed. This upset me every time, and my baby didn’t seem too pleased about it, either. She wriggled around on the scales, so it would take even longer for the nurse to see whether she had taken 1.4 or 1.5 ounces of milk. Meanwhile, my baby’s desperate screams made me even more nervous, so I finally decided to stop breastfeeding. When I look back on it, I feel terrible. I would have liked so much to nurse my little girl.”
Emily’s mom
“With my second child, we were determined to do everything exactly the way we wanted. When the baby started crying, I would simply feed her a little. For nearly 2 weeks, we had been told to let our eldest cry and go hungry—for no reason, as it later turned out. With the first baby, you tend to take advice from everyone. The second time, I listened only to myself.”
Eve’s mom
In some ways, you already know your baby. After all, she was with you day and night for 9 months. Before she was born, you wondered what kind of baby you would have and whether you would recognize any traits you thought she had while in your womb. But once she’s born it’s different —totally different, in fact. You see your baby for the first time, and your baby also finds herself in completely new surroundings.
Most mothers look for familiar traits in their tiny newborns. Is she the peaceful little person she expected her to be? Does she kick at certain times of the day like she did before she was born? Does she have a special bond with her Dad? Does she recognize his voice?
Often mothers want to “test” their babies’ reactions. They want to find out what makes their children happy and contented. They will appreciate advice, but not rules and regulations. They want to get to know their babies and see how their babies respond to them. They want to find out for themselves what is best for their children. If they’re right about their likes and dislikes, they feel pleased with themselves, as it shows how well they know their babies. This increases their self-confidence and will make them feel they are perfectly able to cope after they take their infants home.
Seeing, hearing, smelling, and feeling your baby during those first few days has a tremendous impact on your relationship with your baby. Most mothers instinctively know how important these intimate “parties” are. They want to experience everything their babies do. Just looking at them gives them enormous pleasure. They want to watch them sleep and listen to them breathe. They want to be there when they wake up. They want to caress them, cuddle them, and smell them whenever they feel like it.
“My son’s breathing changes whenever he hears a sudden noise or sees a light. When I first noticed this irregular breathing, I was really concerned, but then I realized he was just reacting to sound and light. Now I think it’s wonderful when his breathing changes, and I don’t worry about it anymore.”
Bob’s mom
When a new parent gazes down into her baby’s face, it often seems as if the baby, gazing steadily back with wide, astonished eyes, is thinking, “What a strange and wonderful world this is!”
Indeed, a newborn baby’s world is an astonishing place of new and strange sensations. Light, sound, motion, smells, the sensations on his soft skin—it is all so new that he can’t even separate them one from another yet. Sometimes, snuggled tightly up against his mother’s breast, it all feels so wonderfully good. He feels full, warm, sleepy, and soothed by the softness around him.
At other times, his whole world seems utterly shattered, and he can’t figure out what’s making him feel so miserable. Something is wet, cold, hungry, noisy, blindingly bright, or just desperately unhappy, and all he can do is wail.
During the first 5 weeks of your baby’s life, he will slowly become familiar with the world around him. You and he will get to know each other more intimately than anyone else in your shared world at this time. Soon he will make the first major leap in his development.
But before you are able to understand what your baby will experience when he is 5 weeks old and takes his first leap forward, you need to know what your newborn baby’s world is like now and how he is equipped to deal with it. Also, to help him meet his new challenges, you need to know how important physical contact is and how to use it.
Babies are interested in the world around them from the moment they are born. They look and listen, taking in their surroundings. They try very hard to focus their eyes as sharply as possible, which is why babies frequently look cross-eyed as they strain to get a better look. Sometimes they tremble and gasp from sheer exhaustion in the effort. A newborn often looks at you as if he is staring, transfixed with interest.
Your new baby has an excellent memory, and he is quick to recognize voices, people, and even some toys, such as an especially colorful stuffed animal. He also clearly anticipates regular parts of his daily routine, such as bath-time, cuddle-time, and nursing-time.
Even at this age, a baby mimics facial expressions. Try sticking your tongue out at him while you sit and talk to him, or open your mouth wide as if you are going to call out. Make sure that he’s really looking at you when you try this, and give him plenty of time to respond. Most of your baby’s movements are very slow by adult standards, and it will take him several seconds to react.
A young baby is able to tell his mother just how he feels—whether he is happy, angry, or surprised. He does this by slightly changing the tone of his murmuring, gurgling, and crying and by using body language. You will rapidly get to know what he means. Besides, the baby will make it perfectly clear that he expects to be understood. If he isn’t, he will cry angrily or sob as if heartbroken.
Your newborn baby has preferences even at this tender age. Most babies prefer to look at people, rather than toys. You will also find that if presented with two playthings, he is able to express a preference by fixing his gaze on one of them.
Your new baby is quick to react to encouragement. He will adore being praised for his soft baby fragrance, his looks, and his achievements. You will hold his interest longer if you shower him with compliments!
Even though your baby’s senses are in complete working order, he is unable to process the signals his senses send to his brain in the same way adults do. This means that he isn’t able to distinguish among his senses. Babies experience their world in their own way, and it’s quite different from ours. We smell a scent, see the flower spreading it, touch its soft, velvety petals, hear a bee buzzing toward it, and know we are tasting honey when we put it into our mouths. We understand the difference among each of our senses, and so we are able to distinguish the differences.
Young babies can already see, hear, smell, taste, and feel a variety of things, and they are able to remember these sensations However, a newborn baby’s perception of these sensations is very different from the way she will experience them as she gets older.
Until recently, scientists and doctors believed that new babies were unable to see. This is not true. Mothers knew all along that newborns love to look at faces, although it is true that vision is the last sense to reach full capacity. Your newborn can see most clearly up to a distance of about a foot. Beyond this, her vision is probably blurred. Sometimes she will also have difficulty focusing both eyes on whatever she is looking at, but once she has, she can stare at the object intently. She will even stop moving briefly. All her attention will be focused on the object. If she is very alert, she will sometimes be able to follow a moving toy by moving her eyes, turning her head, or sometimes by doing both together. She can manage to do this whether the object is moved horizontally or vertically. The important thing is that the object must be moved very slowly and deliberately. If she loses track after a few moments, pick up her gaze again and try it even more slowly.
The object that your baby will follow best is a simple pattern with the basic characteristics of a human face—two large dots at the top for the eyes and one below for the mouth. Babies are able to do this within an hour of birth. Many of them have their eyes wide open and are very alert. Fathers and mothers are often completely fascinated by their newborn baby’s big, beautiful eyes. It is possible that babies are attracted to anything that even vaguely resembles a human face when they are this young.
Your baby will be particularly interested in sharp contrasts— red and white stripes will probably hold her attention longer than green and blue ones. The brighter the color contrasts, the more interested she will be. Black and white stripes actually hold a baby’s attention longest because the contrast is strongest.
At birth, your new baby can already clearly distinguish between different sounds. She will recognize your voice shortly after birth. She may like music, the hum of an engine, and soft drumming. This makes sense, because these sounds are already familiar to her. In the womb, she was surrounded by the constant thump, rustle, grumble, wheeze, and squeak of heart, veins, stomach, lungs, and intestines. She also has a built-in interest in people’s voices and finds them soothing. By and large babies will feel comfortable in environments similar to those that they were used to in the womb. For example, a baby whose mother spent a lot of time in noisy surroundings while she was pregnant may be quite upset by a room that is too quiet
Your baby recognizes the difference between deep and high- pitched voices. High-pitched sounds will draw her attention more quickly. Adults sense this and speak to babies in high-pitched voices, so there is no need to be ashamed of your “oochykoochy- cooing. “ Your baby is also able to differentiate between soft and loud sounds and does not like sudden, loud noises Some babies are easily frightened, and if this is so for your baby, it is important that you do nothing that will frighten her.
Your new baby is very sensitive to smells. She does not like pungent or sharp odors. These smells will make her overactive. She will try to turn away from the source of the smell, and she may start to cry, too.
Your baby can smell the difference between your body scent and breast milk and those of other mothers. If she is presented with several items of worn clothing, she will turn toward the article that you have worn.
Your baby can already distinguish between several different flavors. She has a distinct preference for sweet things and will dislike anything that tastes sour or acidic. If something tastes bitter, she will spit it out as fast as she can.
Your baby can sense changes in temperature. She can feel heat, which she puts to good use when searching for a nipple if it is not put in her mouth, since the nipple is much warmer than the breast. She simply moves her head in the direction of the warmest spot. Your baby can also sense cold. But if she is allowed to become cold, she will be unable to warm herself, because at this age she can’t shiver to get warm as a means of controlling her own body temperature. Her parents need to consider her bodily warmth. For instance, it’s not very sensible to take a baby for a long walk through snow and ice, no matter how well wrapped up she is, because she may become too cold and show signs of hypothermia. If your baby shows distress of any kind, hurry inside where it is warm.
Your baby is extremely sensitive to being touched. Generally, she loves skin contact, whether it’s soft or firm. Find out what your baby prefers. She will usually enjoy a body massage in a nice warm room, too. Physical contact is simply the best possible comfort and amusement for her. Try to find out what kind of contact makes your baby sleepy or alert, since you can put this knowledge to good use in troublesome times.
Your new baby is not yet able to make this distinction, however. He experiences the world as all one universe—a mish-mash of sensation that changes drastically as soon as a single element changes. He receives all these impressions but cannot distinguish among them. He does not yet realize that his world is made up of signals from individual senses and that each sense conveys messages about a single aspect of it.
To make matters even more confusing for your infant, he cannot yet make a distinction between himself and his surroundings, and he is not yet aware of being an independent person. Because of this, he also is unable to make a distinction between sensations that have their origin within his own body and those that come from outside it. As far as he is concerned, the outside world and his body are one and the same. To him, the world is one big color-cuddle-smell-and-sound sensation. What his body feels, he assumes everyone and everything else feels.
Because a newborn baby perceives the world and himself as one and the same, it is often difficult to discover the reason why he is crying. It could be anything inside or outside of him. No wonder his crying fits can drive his parents to distraction.
If you were to experience the world in the same way your baby does, you too would be incapable of acting independently. You would not know that you have hands to grasp things with and a mouth to suck with. Only when you understand these things will you be able to do things deliberately.
This does not mean, however, that newborn babies are completely incapable of reacting to the world. Fortunately, your baby comes equipped with several special features to compensate for these shortcomings and help him survive this initial period.
His Reflexes Tell Him What to Do
Babies have several reflex reactions to keep them safe. For example, a newborn baby will automatically turn his head to one side to breathe freely when lying face down. In some ways, this reflex is similar to the way a puppet reacts to its strings being pulled. He does not stop to think, “I’m going to turn my head.” It simply happens. As soon as a baby learns to think and respond, this reflex disappears. It is a perfect system. (Of course, when it’s time for your baby to go to sleep, be sure to place him on his back.)
Newborn babies also turn their heads toward sound. This automatic reaction ensures that a baby will shift his attention to the place of interest closest by. For many years, doctors overlooked this reaction because the newborn’s response to sound is delayed. It takes 5 to 7 seconds before the baby starts to move his head, and it takes another 3 to 4 seconds to complete the movement. This reflex disappears somewhere between the 5th and 8th week after birth.
Here are some of your baby’s other reflexes.
As soon as the mouth of a hungry newborn comes in contact with an object, his mouth will close around it, and he will start to suck. This reflex provides the baby with an incredibly strong sucking ability. It disappears as soon as a baby no longer needs to suckle.
Babies also have a strong gripping reflex. If you want your baby to grasp your finger, just stroke the palm of his hand. He will automatically grab your finger. If you do the same with his feet, he’ll use his toes to grab your finger. This gripping reflex is thought to date back to prehistoric times, when hominid mothers were covered with thick body hair. Because of this reflex, babies were able to cling to their mothers’ hair shortly after birth. A baby will use this gripping reflex during the first 2 months of life, especially if he senses you want to put him down when he would much rather stay with you!
A baby shows a reaction called the Moro reflex when he is frightened. He looks as if he is trying to grab at something during a fall. He arches his back, throws his head back, and waves his arms and legs about, outward at first, then inward, before crossing them across his chest and stomach.
Your tiny infant is not yet able to amuse herself. Lively, temperamental babies in particular make no secret about wanting some action as soon as they are awake.
Here are some ways to keep your baby entertained.
In all activities, let your baby’s responses guide you.
All of these baby reflexes disappear when they are replaced by voluntary responses. But there are other automatic reflexes that remain for life, such as breathing, sneezing, coughing, blinking, and jerking back a hand from a hot surface.
The reflexes mentioned above are your new baby’s way of restoring an uncomfortable situation to normal. Sometimes these reflexes are not enough—for instance, if he is too hot or cold, if he is not feeling well, or if he is bored. In these cases, the baby employs another strategy: He wails until someone else rectifies the situation. If no one helps him, the baby will cry incessantly until he is completely exhausted.
“My son’s crying fits started in his second week. He yelled day and night, even though he was nursing well and growing steadily. When I took him to the clinic for his regular checkup, I mentioned that perhaps he was bored. But the pediatrician said that was impossible because babies keep their eyes closed for the first 10 days, and even if my baby had his eyes open, he still wouldn’t be able to see anything. Last week, I put a rattle in his crib anyway. It seems to be helping. He’s certainly crying less. So he was bored after all!”
Paul’s mom, 4th week
His Appearance Melts Your Heart
In order to survive, your baby has to rely on someone else to attend to his every need, morning, noon, and night. Therefore, nature has supplied him with a powerful weapon that he continually puts to use—his appearance.
Nothing is cuter than a baby. His extraordinarily large head makes up almost one third of his total length. His eyes and forehead are also “too big,” and his cheeks are “too chubby.” Furthermore, his arms and legs are “too short and too plump.” His cute looks are endearing. Designers of dolls, cuddly toys, and cartoons are quick to copy them. This look sells! This is exactly how your baby sells himself, too. He is sweet, tiny, and helpless—a little cutie, just begging for attention. He will charm you into picking him up, cuddling him, and taking care of him.
Throughout the world, babies have been seen smiling before they are 6 weeks old. Smiling babies have even been filmed in the womb. Even so, this is a very rare occurrence in babies this young. Nevertheless, you may be one of the lucky parents who has witnessed an early smile. Newborn babies smile when touched, when a breath of fresh air brushes their cheeks, when they hear human voices or other sounds, when they see faces hovering over their cribs, or simply when they are full of milk and feeling content. Sometimes they even smile in their sleep.
Even before she was born, your baby perceived her world as one whole. At birth, she left her familiar surroundings and for the first time was exposed to all kinds of unknown, completely new things. This new world was made up of many new sensations. Suddenly, she’s able to move freely, sense heat and cold, hear a whole range of different and louder noises, see bright lights, and feel clothes wrapped around her body. Besides these impressions, she also has to breathe by herself and get used to drinking milk, and her digestive organs have to process this new food, too. All these things are new to her. Because she suddenly has to cope with these enormous changes in lifestyle, it’s easy to understand why she needs to feel safe and secure.
Close human contact is the best way of imitating your baby’s secure world inside the womb. It makes her feel safe. After all, your womb hugged her body, and your movements kneaded it, as far back as she can remember. It was her home. She was part of whatever took place in there—the rhythmical beating of your heart, the flow of your blood, and the rumbling of your stomach. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that she will enjoy feeling the old, familiar physical contact and hearing those well-known sounds once more. It is her way of “touching base.”
Touch: Simply the Best Comfort
Besides food and warmth, nothing is more important to your infant than snuggling close to you during the first 4 months of her life. As long as she experiences lots of physical contact, her development will not be delayed, even if you don’t have much opportunity to play with her
A young baby generally loves lying close to you and being carried around. At the same time, this is also a good opportunity for her to learn to control her body.
Another idea is to give her a relaxing massage. Make sure the room is warm. Pour some baby oil into your hands and softly massage every part of her naked body. This is a nice way of helping her to grow accustomed to her body, and it will make her wonderfully drowsy.
At this age, a baby loves to be picked up, cuddled, caressed, and rocked. She may even enjoy soft pats on her back. She cannot get enough physical contact now. Don’t worry about whether you’re doing the right thing—she’ll soon let you know what she likes best and what comforts her most. In the meantime, she is learning that she has a wonderful home base to which she can safely return when she is upset.
