Chapter Thirty-Seven

Bryn

Rio went with us to the park. I needed to get out of the apartment, and I wanted Cullen to get some fresh air. I normally pushed him in the swings, but right now, I was standing and watching as Rio taught him how to pump his legs. Cullen was doing a great job, and the look of pride in his smile warmed me. I needed to feel warm inside.

I still hadn’t told him. When the police had finally called to tell me about the body being released and all I would be responsible for, Rio had taken Cullen outside to go look at the ducks down at the pond behind the apartment. Once that was handled, I’d needed air. I’d needed out. So, we came here.

I would have to tell him. Tomorrow, I had to make funeral arrangements. He had to know. I just didn’t know how to explain it to him. Rio was wrong. I had made a huge mistake. I hadn’t taken him to see his mother. His last memory of her was one when she hadn’t even been sober.

“Look at me, Aunt Bryn!” he called out.

I clapped my hands and cheered.

He was swinging all by himself. Another moment Tory had missed. She would miss them all now. Once, I had told her she needed to be around more. The day she’d missed his first steps, she had said his life was full of firsts, and she’d see most of them and told me to stop being dramatic.

The knot in my throat returned, and I knew I had to stop beating myself up about all I hadn’t done if I was going to be strong for Cullen. Rio couldn’t be there to take up my slack. We had just started this thing, whatever it was, between us, and he had not signed on for Mr. Dad when I had sex with him.

Rio walked over to me after Cullen was going just fine by himself. “Sunshine helping?” he asked me.

I nodded. “Yes, and you. Making him smile like that, teaching him something, and giving him that proud look he has on his face right now. That is helping.”

We stood there for a few moments and watched him swing, saying nothing. There weren’t words that needed to be said. Just him being beside me made me feel as if I wasn’t alone. I had felt alone for so long that the idea I might not be was a relief. Even if it was fleeting, I needed it now.

“He never asks about her anymore,” I said. “Is that my fault?”

Rio snapped his head back around and looked at me. “No. Stop it. Stop thinking this is your fault. He stopped asking about her because he has all the love and stability he needs. What he didn’t get from her, he gets from you. He has you. He has no reason to ask about her. She gave birth to him, Bryn, but that does not make her his mother.”

I nodded, swallowing hard. He was right. I didn’t want to think that because it felt like a betrayal to her, but he was right. Giving birth to someone wasn’t enough. Children needed so much more. I couldn’t think of one time I had seen her give it to him. Not once. My heart broke for all she’d missed out on.

“That’s the luckiest kid I know,” Rio said to me.

I blinked back my tears, not wanting to cry anymore. “Thank you.”

Cullen slowed, then jumped down from the swing before putting his hands on his hips and putting his shoulders back. We both applauded for him, and then he ran over to us.

“I’m getting hungry,” he said.

“Then, it’s time to go eat that pizza Henley sent us,” I told him.

“This is the best day ever! Cupcakes and pizza,” he said.

I winced, and my eyes met Rio’s. This day would not be the best day ever. He wouldn’t remember the cupcakes, swinging, or pizza ten years from now. He’d just remember the day his mother died.

The ride back, I was struggling with how to tell him and stayed quiet while he and Rio discussed the different superheroes and their powers. Cullen would want to be Spider-Man if he could, and Rio said he preferred Superman.

When we were back inside and Cullen was happily eating his pizza, Rio took my hand and walked me back to the bedroom. When we were out of Cullen’s view, he cupped my face and kissed me softly. I hadn’t realized how much I’d needed that.

I buried my hands in his hair, going up on my tiptoes, and our kiss grew more passionate. His hands slid down to my bottom and cupped it, jerking me against him. He moved his mouth down my neck and had just bitten my ear when Cullen called out my name.

I stepped back and took a deep breath.

Rio looked down at his erection and grinned. “You go on without me. I’ll be there shortly.”

A smile pulled at my lips, and I left him there in my room while I went to check on Cullen.

“Can I have more pizza?” he asked me.

I got him another piece and filled his milk back up.

“Where did you go?” he asked me.

“To show Rio something in my room that needs fixing,” I lied.

“Is he fixing it?” Cullen asked.

“He was working on it when I left,” I replied.

Cullen nodded, then seemed appeased. I stayed in there while he ate his pizza. I was going to have to tell him when he was done. He needed time to grieve and get comfort before it was time for bed. I would offer to sleep in there with him if he needed it.

“Are you gonna eat pizza?” he asked me.

“Maybe later. I’m not hungry,” I told him.

“Is that why you haven’t eaten your cupcake yet?” he asked.

I nodded. “They are almost too pretty to eat.”

He frowned at me, as if I had said something ridiculous. “It can’t be too pretty to eat. It’s supposed to be eaten. It’s food,” he said as if this made all the sense in the world.

“Okay, I’ll eat one soon.”

“I’ll feed it to her if I have to,” Rio said as he entered the kitchen.

“Did you fix what was broken in Aunt Bryn’s room?” he asked Rio.

“Yep. Think it’s handled,” he replied, pressing his lips together to keep from laughing.

“Then, let’s watch Superman since he’s your favorite. I’m full,” Cullen said, climbing off the stool. Neither of us moved, and he looked back at Rio. “Do you have to go?” he asked.

Rio shook his head. “No, I won’t be going anywhere tonight. Staying right here with the two of you.”

Cullen looked at me, and I knew it was time. I was sure the expression on my face was causing him concern.

“First, before the movie, I need to tell you something,” I started, then walked over to him and took his hand. “Let’s go sit on the sofa.”

Cullen held tightly to my hand, as if sensing this was going to be bad. I sat down, and he took the spot right beside me. Rio followed us, but he stayed at the end of the sofa.

“What?” Cullen asked me.

The fear in his eyes and expectation were so much deeper than any four-year-old should know. He’d seen too much. He knew too much, and it showed. Most kids wouldn’t expect horrible news, but he did.

“This morning, your mama, she didn’t wake up. She died in her sleep. There was no pain. Her soul is in a happy place now, and she will always be watching over you.” I paused and studied his little face, trying to read his expression.

“She won’t be coming back? Ever?” he asked me.

I shook my head. “No, sweetie. Not where you can see her. But she will be your guardian angel. Always there, watching you.” I ran my hand over his little head, wishing this weren’t happening. That I didn’t have to tell him that his mother was gone.

He didn’t cry, and he said nothing, but he studied our clasped hands a few moments. I let him think it through. Comprehend it. He was only four, and although he acted older for his age because of the life we had lived, he was still only four.

“You think she will watch over me? She didn’t do that much when she was here. I don’t know if she’ll do that now.”

I let go of his hand and pulled him into my lap and held on to him tightly. “Oh, but she did. She loved you. Your mama just loved differently than most people. She had bad things happen when she was a kid, and she never truly got over it. But you, she loved so much.”

I was going to cry, and I had told myself not to do it. I had to be strong for him. His words felt like someone had just taken a hammer to my heart.

God, Tory, why did you do this? He is just a baby.

“She didn’t love me like you do,” he said as I held him against me. Still no tears. No sobbing.

“She did love you. We just love differently,” I said, leaning back and fighting back the tears to look at him.

I had to make sure he wasn’t trying to hide his pain. He needed to let it out, not pretend it wasn’t there. His mama had done that, and I would not let him do it.

“You love me the most,” he said.

“I don’t think one of us loved you more,” I said, not sure how to handle this.

“You do. When I need you, you are there.”

I pulled him to my chest again to hide his view of my tears. I looked over at Rio, who was watching us with his jaw clenched and eyes that appeared to have a slight shimmer to them. He looked as if he was holding back tears.

“It’s okay to cry,” I told Cullen. “You can cry because you loved her and because you will miss her. It’s good to cry.”

He didn’t say anything, but his small hand fisted against my chest, holding tightly to my shirt. “I can’t cry. I’m trying, but, Aunt Bryn”—he pulled back and looked up at me—“am I bad because I’m just glad it wasn’t you?”

I shook my head. “No, baby, you’re not bad. It’s good to say what you’re feeling.”

“I love Mama,” he said. “And I’ll miss her.”

I tucked his hair behind his ear. “Me too, buddy.”

He laid his head back on my chest, and we sat there in silence for several minutes.

When he finally lifted it again, he looked at Rio. “Can we watch the movie?”

Rio moved then to go straight to the television. “Absolutely,” he said.

Cullen climbed down out of my lap and went to pick out the movie for Rio. I sat there and watched them as they got it in the DVD player, and then Cullen came back and sat down beside me. Rio took the seat on the other side of him, but his gaze met mine while he sat down.

He put his arm across the back of the sofa and held his hand out to me. I reached up and threaded my fingers through his and curled toward them as we watched the movie. Later, Rio fed me a cupcake while Cullen giggled. When it was time for bed, Rio went to mine, and I climbed in bed with Cullen. Even if he hadn’t asked me to, I knew he needed me.