As described in The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck, my patented NotSorry Method for mental decluttering gets rid of things that annoy you (fucks you don’t want to give) to leave room for things that bring you joy (fucks you do want to give). Two steps. Very simple. Look into it.
For our purposes now, though, all you need to know is that the key to NotSorry is focusing on the “annoy.” It’s fun to cross things like ice hockey and company holiday parties off your FUCKS I MAY OR MAY NOT GIVE list with a big black marker. (No joke, if you haven’t read the book, this is exactly what it tells you to do.) Anyway, the same concept works for getting your shit together.
Allow me to explain.
There are many gurus out there for whom the word aspirational is a real turn-on. They want you to be the best version of yourself, work the hardest, and reap the most reward. And that’s all fine and dandy (I’m looking at you, P90X guy), but as I discovered when I started getting fan mail, a lot of people aspire to have and to do less, not more.
Which is why this anti-guru believes in The Power of Negative Thinking.
This is when, instead of daydreaming about a theoretical future of being richer, thinner, or tidier, you focus on NOT being broke, fat, and messy in the here and now. Turns out goal-setting doesn’t have to be about aspiring to what you want to be, so much as putting an end to what you don’t want to be. Channeling rage at the things that annoy you is a great motivational tool for getting your shit together! Well, maybe not “rage,” per se, but displeasure. Discomfort. Unhappiness.
It sure worked for me.
I told you a bit about my Big Life Changes—going from New York City corporate ladder-climber to sipping-frozen-drinks-on-the-beach freelancer. Astute readers will recall that in the introduction, I specifically said I was very unhappy before making those changes.
Recognizing and wanting to eradicate that unhappy feeling was what prompted me to get my shit together and set my first goal(s):
• To NOT be unhappy
• To NOT be employed by a corporation
• And to NOT suffer through another winter like those puppies in the Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercials
It may seem counterintuitive, but until I focused on the negative, I couldn’t find my way toward the positive. The thing was, I didn’t really know what happiness was going to look like for me; I just knew I didn’t have it. I had no idea what freelance life or moving to a foreign country would entail, but I knew that staying in the frozen Northeast for another winter would definitely make me miserable. What I had was a highly recognizable, constant state of unhappiness (and low core temperature), so the only goal I could really wrap my head around was to make it stop.
It was less aspirational and more GET ME OUT OF THIS NOW I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE. An Oh shit moment for the ages.
And once I set a goal to eliminate the annoy—then strategized, focused, and committed to it—the joy revealed itself, bit by bit. Huh. Imagine that. (These days sometimes my only goal is to even out my tan lines, but that still takes strategy, focus, and commitment.)
So if you’re unhappy living in debt, carrying twenty extra pounds, and/or using the backseat of your car as a mobile laundry hamper—if it makes you sad or frustrated or angry to live this way—I say, harness the Power of Negative Thinking and channel your feelings into action. Rather than chasing those pretty, aspirational butterflies that have long seemed to hover just out of reach, stomp a few unsightly cockroaches that are right there on the floor in front of you.
That’ll get your blood pumping.
But before you turn on the lights and scatter the roaches, there’s one more mini-step in between. Take a minute to sit in the calm, bug-free darkness and ruminate on what constitutes winning at life. YOUR life.
What goals and results—be they material or emotional—would see you doing a victory lap like [a much, much slower and less spectacularly chiseled] Usain Bolt? I’m not talking about what anyone else considers winning, or what goals and results you think you should want. Just the things that would make you happy.
Is it getting a new job, or just being less irritated at the one you have?
Is it improving your relationship with your significant other, or just ending things once and for all? (Related: Do you want to sleep on the couch tonight?)
Is it losing twenty pounds, or do you just feel pressured to go down a size? If it’s the latter, please stop giving a fuck about the numbers—you’re only adding to your mental clutter. If it’s the former, we’ll get your shit together and make it happen.
Well, you’ll get your shit together. I’ll just show you how.