NOTES ON RETRIEVING A FALLEN BANNER
Dear Kiddo:
1st off, the moment you read this, destroy it. Burn it, feed it to a hog in the lot, but get rid of it. They’ve already picked me up; they’d better not get you, too. I can’t come back from the dead and take out three more officers. And Aunt Sook has the Sig Sauer—sorry, but she knows how to use it, and you don’t. You always told me I over-explained—but this I put off teaching you, and now it’s too late.
2nd: Don’t go to the storage facility on Spencer Street. They’re watching. Or, rather, go ahead and go, but what you’ll need isn’t there. Nothing illegal is in there, but they’ll piss themselves over medical books, the manuals, the expired vitamins. Let them get all excited about that trash. To get my backpack, you’ll have to find your cousin Tim and—I know it sounds like a cartoon—give him the password. Do you remember what we called Minji’s stuffed cat when she was a baby? That’s your password. The username for the station lock is the one your grandmom used in college, apisGarden28. My username, yours, Seedy Chris’s, anyone in that circle will trip their bots, and they’ll be after you, password or no.
3rd: They only suspect Tim as a racial resister. His past history doesn’t mark him as a supporter of women. Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t hate them any more than the next man, that’s just not where his focus lies. But he’s got your back. Trust no one else, okay? No one but Aunt Sook and Tim. Not until you get there, and maybe not even then.
4th: You have to remember they’re watching. I can’t say it enough. If you think of something, they’ve thought of that, too; if you do the opposite, they’ll expect that. Find a third thing. Do that. Even better, a fourth thing.
5th: Keep your bike in good order. Don’t be tempted by cars. Remember, gasoline degrades, so don’t expect you can scavenge. I would be really leery about using a public transport permit, even in cases of extreme need. I know you have a burner pass, but some of those buses have cameras.
6th: Don’t be afraid to trade sex for favors. If you feel you’re in a less-dangerous situation, don’t be ashamed to give a handjob or whatever else. You’ve been vaccinated, so don’t let those old ideas of “morality” get to you. Food and shelter are more important than some dusty notion about what you do with your cootch.
7th: Remember talking about that miracle drug? You remember how I said you couldn’t get it anymore? Please believe me. Katty answered what she thought was a discreet backnote for period repair pills, met the dealer in a parking lot, and was arrested by jackboots. You know her brains got blown out all over the backseat. You know they said she was reaching for a gun. You tell me how she was reaching for a gun when she was handcuffed? You’ll hear people talk wistfully about misoprostol, you’ll hear stories about “you remember when,” and that’s fine—but someone comes to you saying they know where you can get some? Get away from them. Aunt Sook comes up to you talking about getting you some stuff? If it’s not parsley tea or vitamin C or black cohosh, she got turned.
8th: No weed before surgery! Not you, them. It’s so tempting to tell your patients to smoke half a bowl before they come in, but weed will increase bleeding and drop blood pressure. Getting lidocaine won’t trip anyone, because preppers are mad for the stuff. Just check it when you get it—make sure it’s not strychnine, PCP, coke, baby powder, rat poison.
9th: We did this so often, remember? All the steps. Speculum—warm the speculum first! The difference in patient perception between a cold speculum and a warm speculum is huge. Betadyne. Local anesthetic. Dilation—ease the dilators, don’t force them. If the woman’s partner isn’t there to hold her hand, get someone to do that. I can’t stress this enough. Remember to talk to her. Stay connected. Keep her aware that you’re on her side. Don’t you ever give her any hint that you’re judging her. Before she came to you, the whole country judged her, and when she walks out, she walks out into that sea of judgment once more. She will have to hear it from the internet, from government television and news, from the women’s health monitors, from the comments of friends and family. Be a rock for her, when no one else will. Thread the cannula through the cervix. Create the vacuum by pulling back the plunger. Attach the cannula to the aspirator. Release the vacuum lock. Gentle movements of the cannula. Watch blockages—watch sterility of your instruments when you have to stop and clear them out. Remember that gritty feeling! That will tell you you’re done. Make sure you got everything. Double check the tissue in the glass pie plate over the light bulb. If she asks, let her see. If she’s up to it, point out the parts. This will let her see what was in her and what wasn’t, so that she can understand the difference between a baby and an embryo. At this stage a layperson can’t eyeball the difference between a cat embryo, a human embryo, or a dolphin embryo.
10th: Without you, Kiddo, without you and the others on this side of the line we drew—hell, your terrified, furious, grieving would-be patient won’t need the classic coat hanger, not when she can get a bicycle spoke. A knitting needle. A goose feather. A kabob skewer from the grocery store for less than $5. Does she know that in pregnancy, the uterus softens up like butter? Lying on the bed, or on the hotel room floor on a stack of towels, or squatting in the bathtub—one wrong move—one push a little too far in one direction or another, trying to puncture the amniotic sac, and she’s pierced the womb. And she bleeds to death, or she dies of infection, because she can’t go to the doctor to get help, or she’ll end up in jail and her doctor will, too.
11th: Above all, Kiddo, trust your gut. Don’t feel you have to be nice. To anyone. We were nice for decades and decades. Look where it got us, huh? Roe was never touched. It’s still the law of the land. But the women coming to see you didn’t have a man sign off on their abortion, and now you’re charged with first-degree murder. When you pick up my backpack at the station, you become a criminal and a rebel and an outlaw. I will never see you again.
12th: I am so very proud of you.