INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: November 1, 2016
Subject: Preparing for the “Clinton Bounce”
I think we should reflect upon the opportunities the first woman president of the United States (FWPOTUS) is going to create for IASB and others in our field.
Idaho may still go Republican. But the rest of the nation is going to go anti-Trump like nobody’s business. I mean, think stampede, rout, ass whipping, whatever.
We should continue working with our Syrian and Somali contacts as well as our field offices in Mexico to ensure that we continue to be “top of mind” for Internally Displaced People (IDPs) wishing to emigrate to America.
Even though I suspect that a few of you are Republican sympathizers, look at it this way. Is there any way the nation that sent the first black president to the White House for two terms could ever vote for Trump?
INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: November 9, 2016
Subject: Singing Old Negro Spirituals Around the Office
I know this is completely unexpected, even for those of you who actually voted for the President-Elect.
We must continue to act like professionals and above all, dare I say it, WHITE PEOPLE, as we adjust to the new realities of a Trump Administration.
We also have to maintain office decorum. We cannot have people roaming the halls wearing black and passing out phone numbers for our Canadian friends.
And we especially cannot have people singing “We Shall Overcome” during staff meetings.
GET A GRIP. And whoever left the flashlight painted black at my office door, not only do I not understand the symbolism, I think we all need to respect the fact that Donald Trump is the legitimate, elected, next president of the United States.
CONFIDENTIAL
INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: Abdul Jaleel, Head of IT
Date: December 15, 2016
Subject: Russian Hacking of Our Servers
Suggest you prepare evidence that our servers were hacked by Russian/KGB elements that allowed them virtually unlimited access to all applications and files. We should be prepared to disavow any document, email, or file as being “planted” in case the need should arise.
On a personal note, I’m sorry that I suggested you change your name. I now believe your heritage may be useful in case we need a little “plausible deniability” around here.
Let me also reiterate that I appreciate your position concerning the files you found on my workstation labeled “Abdul’s Jihadist Comments” and fully understand your decision to delete them.
That just adds to the cover story, right?
Thanks for your support!
INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: January 18, 2017
Subject: “Temporary” Transfers to our Toronto Office
I want to congratulate our Chief Operating Officer, Gigi Beufort, for establishing our newest location in Toronto, eh? Gigi was able to get a sizable piece of prime office park just before prices skyrocketed. We now think that space similar to ours is commanding 2 or 3 times what we’re paying.
I am however, troubled by the number of staff wishing temporary transfers to Toronto. To be blunt, I’m not buying ANY chemical dependence issues related to LaBatts or the number of people suddenly parenting hockey “phenoms” playing for the Maple Leafs who need adult supervision.
Let’s be real. Transfers to Toronto (ToTs) will be handled based upon the needs of that office.
I have also heard your cynicism about my plan to work virtually from Toronto. Remember, the board approved all Executive Team virtual placements.
And realistically, we may as well acknowledge that helping people ENTER the US is a joke UNLESS they are planning to become day laborers on Trump’s Mexican wall.
INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: January 25, 2017
Subject: “Consuelo”
In light of the measures announced today, we have initiated a new project, code named Consuelo, that is to be implemented immediately. Please adhere to the following ASAP:
1. We actively encourage all staff to speak English around the office. In fact, English has always been the official language of the IASB and we are going to rigorously enforce the policy. Mi casa no es su casa anymore, comprende?
2. We are going to review all I-9 citizenship verification documents to make sure that we have proper papers on everyone. If for some reason your paperwork isn’t up to snuff, now might be a good time to go on permanent vacation (and if the namesake of our special project is reading this, I’m quite possibly talking to you, sweetheart).
3. We are obtaining Oval Office funding to investigate illegal voting in the election. Our Unique Selling Proposition is that our extensive work with immigrants totally qualifies us to rat them out for voting scams. (If this stance alarms any of you, I suggest you harken back to that classic Dire Straits tune “Money for Nothing.” Wink, wink, and all that.)
4. Previously prohibited hate speech related to immigrants, including such derogatory terms as “wetbacks” or “illegals” is now officially encouraged in all Federal grant applications when placed properly in context, e.g., encouraging the rigorous enforcement of the Administration’s rules on illegal immigrants. An example from a recently submitted grant application: “IASB will provide expertise in identifying any wetbacks illegally consuming the ripe fruits of our American society. We will help make America Great (and immigrant-free) Again.” This is just an example; I expect you guys to be more creative—nothing is off the table.
INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: April 5, 2017
Subject: Farewell Party for Former Board Member Madeline Albright
It is with mixed emotions that I announce our farewell gala for former US Secretary of State and former Board Member Madeline Albright.
I believe her deportation for having registered as a Muslim in the ICE Muslim Registry is a cautionary tale for us all, and I reiterate my strong statements that the registry is not a platform for political statements of any kind, unless you want to end up in Lahore, Pakistan.
The Gala will be held at the Boise Hilton on Saturday, April 15, 2017 from 7–9 p.m., to be respectful of Ms. Albright’s curfew (assuming she will be allowed to travel to Boise on that date.)
INTEROFFICE MEMO
FAID-Ps of Toronto
“Money Talks, Bullsh*t Walks Back Over the Border in the Rain”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: June 22, 2017
Subject: Our New Beginning
It is with great pleasure that I announce that we have repositioned our twenty-two-year-old International Aid agency for the next four years and beyond.
You’ve seen this coming, people, so let’s smack this mother in the ass and get her done, so to speak. We are now called “Formerly American Internationally Displaced People of Toronto, and our new mission is to help everyone seeking to leave America find happiness in Canada and elsewhere. We’re still kicking around our motto, but I like the millennial-facing, hip hop–inspired sentiment expressed in one staff submission: “Don’t Throw Shade, FAID.”
We have already secured cornerstone funding from many prominent American foundations in exchange for subletting them space in our Toronto office park, which, if I may say so, was a truly inspired turn in our Post-Election Strategic Plan from Hell (PESPFH).
We have also secured massive operating funding from the Canadian subsidiaries of the American car companies, partly as a result of our groundbreaking research project entitled “If You Tax It They Will Move.” If you recall, this showed that a large number of car-buying Americans were moving to Canada anyway, so the Trump Administration could take their thinly-veiled tax threats and shove them up their keisters.
Lastly, two pieces of creative genius I wanted you to know before we launch them on social media.
First, we have a new jingle. Sung to the tune of “Give Peace a Chance,” it’s called “Get the Hell Out.”
Second, we have a PSA airing soon starring Alec Baldwin from his SNL stage as You-Know-Who, entitled “Make North America Great Again (You Canadian Sons of Bitches).”
While this has been a rocky road, our next report to our board will show that revenue is up three thousand percent, and we’ve never been busier.
Thanks for your support!