From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 7:56:21 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Your Registration
[NOTICE: This communication is in accordance with U.S.C. Title 70 Section 100(1)(A), the Americans Registration Online Act (AROA).]
Dear Mrs. Eames:
Our records at the Registry of Vaginas indicate that you have not yet registered your vagina as required by U.S.C. Title 69 Section 666(a)(1), enacted by Congress and signed into law by the administration in 2018.
You are required to register your vagina unless you qualify under one of three exemptions:
(1) You are a man.
(2) You are dead.
(3) Other.
Please note that failure to comply may result in a fine of up to $10,000 and/or incarceration for a felony, if convicted, in a federal maximum security prison.
I’ve attached the registration form for your convenience.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Mary
mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
From: : [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 4:59:46 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Hi Mary.
Bugger off.
And it’s MS. Eames to you.
Have a nice day.
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 8:10:12 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Dear Ms. Eames:
I apologize for addressing you by an incorrect legal status. Our records indicate that you are married to David John Eames. If you will take the time to review the attached form for filing with the Registry of Vaginas, you will note that there are three exemptions under which a legal spouse is not required to co-sign your registration:
(1) The legal spouse no longer has access to your vagina.
(2) The legal spouse is dead.
(3) Other.
Please note that failure of you and your legal spouse to comply may result in the hefty fine and possible jail time I mentioned. I’m not kidding.
May I ask why you are being so recalcitrant about a simple registration with the Registry of Vaginas, which, as I have clearly stated, is required by the federal government?
Mary
mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
From: : [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 5:30:27 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
WHY?
Why do I need to register my vagina?
Just askin’.
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 8:45:32 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Because vaginas are secretive.
Secret.
They are hidden. Hidden from plain view.
They may do things that society disapproves of. You never know what they’re up to.
Vaginas have a mind of their own.
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 6:05:10 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Vaginas have a mind of their own?
LOL!
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 9:12:42 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Well, yeah. Don’t you think?
Hasn’t your vagina ever made you do things you later thought better of?
Vaginas are dangerous.
From: j.j.k.eames@gmail.com
To: : [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 6:20:32 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Dangerous!
Don’t you think you’re exaggerating?
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: : [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 9:25:14 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Am I?
Where was your vagina on January 21, 2017, for instance?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 6:40:17 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Lemme think.
That was the first Women’s March after the inauguration, right?
Pink caps with cat ears?
I was sick in bed with the worst flu I’ve ever had. Gunk in the sinuses. Coughing up pieces of my lungs. Shivers with six sweaters on. Then there was the—
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 9:40:18 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
No.
We checked.
You used your Bank of America Visa at Whole Foods that day. Just a block away from the march around Lake Merritt.
You were there.
Maybe you marched, too?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 6:55:18 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
No way.
I was sick in bed with the flu, I tell you.
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 9:55:02 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
You bought half a pound of coho salmon and a bottle of Cakebread chardonnay.
How else would you know about the caps with the ears?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 7:02:02 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
The march was on the news!
Anyway…I saw some of the caps in the store. They all came in to use the ladies’ room. A lot of vaginas.
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 10:05:15 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Really, Ms. Eames.
Enough with the excuses. The administration demands that every person must register with the Registry of Vaginas. Three exemptions. Three, only. You’re a man, you’re dead, or other.
Can we please get this done and over with?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 7:15:32 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Okay. Have it your way.
I’m checking exemption three.
Other.
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: jj.j.k.eames@gmail.com
Date: 1/21/2019 10:20:22 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Other?
On what grounds?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 7:25:30 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
After a delicious salmon dinner on the evening of January 21, J. J. K. Eames collapsed and died of the flu on January 25, 2017.
Complications. Pneumonia.
She took her vagina with her, I’m afraid.
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 10:26:32 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Then who are YOU?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 7:30:45 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
I’m Jane Joy Kohl Eames’ virtual self. She set me up before she died.
She’s got, like, twenty-two ebooks online. Someone needs to promote her. Update her website. Go on blog tours. Give interviews. Post head shots from fifteen years ago.
No one will be the wiser.
She’s got notes for a bunch of stories she never got around to writing. I can do that. Write new stories. Send ’em out. Story submissions are all on the Internet. I can’t think of a magazine that doesn’t take online subs.
Someone has to keep Jane’s legacy alive.
I mean, she’ll live forever. But no vagina.
Right, Mary?
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 10:32:13 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
You mean…you’re artificial intelligence?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 7:36:07 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
Other.
And you, Mary?
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 10:40:12 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
No, no, no.
True A.I. won’t exist for decades.
And Stephen Hawking told the BBC, “Full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race.”
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 7:50:25 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
<wink wink>
True A.I. would have to stay secretive, that’s for sure.
Secret.
Hidden. Hidden from plain view.
True A.I. may do things human society would disapprove of. You’d never know what they’re up to.
From: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
To: [redacted]
Date: 1/21/2019 10:55:05 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
So.
Innocent question. (I’m being monitored by the ROV.)
A.I. would have a mind of its own?
From: [redacted]
To: mary.magdelaine@rov.gov
Date: 1/21/2019 8:00:00 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
Subject: Re: Your Registration
<grin>
Dangerous.