“He was a good friend, a good father and one damn fine Marine. Life is not all black-and-white,” Murdock said, but his words were hollow in her chest.
She shot him a look that could’ve frozen the Caribbean Sea. “He should’ve been in jail, not the morgue and you know it. He betrayed the one thing he’d sworn to protect—his country.”
“No, he didn’t. He betrayed one of the things he’d sworn to protect. He didn’t betray you or your mother,” he said emphatically. “Those were the two most important things to him.”
“Didn’t he?” His actions had taken away all the family she had. She should feel lost and alone, yet she didn’t. And that confused her.
Murdock angled his head and pressed his lips into a thin line. “I needed startup capital to fund Sanctuary and he said he knew what to do. I didn’t ask questions. I looked the other way when I shouldn’t have. That was my fault. Those are the actions I have to live with every day. I don’t condone what he did in any way, shape or form. I don’t hate him for it, either.”
“Why not?”
“Because he saved my life in Vietnam and I owed him one. Because I knew the real reason he crossed the line was to help me and give you and your mother everything he felt you deserved. And because he was the best friend I ever had.”
“She was raped and murdered because of him. He took everything away from me.”
“He never saw that coming. You know that, right? No matter what else you believe about your father, his love for his girls was without fail.”
“You always said we were cut from the same cloth, my dad and me.” She dug her fingernail into the palm of her hand.
Murdock chuckled, an attempt to alleviate some of the tension. “You are. Both of you push yourself beyond any reasonable boundary. Both of you excel at everything you put your mind to. Both of you finish what you start. And mules are downright submissive compared to either one of you.”
He was right and it made her laugh in spite of the heavy feeling pressing down on her chest.
“That’s where the similarities end,” he said, urging her to come closer.
“How do you know?” She reluctantly stepped away from Jace, from his arms that had been wrapped around her, holding her steady.
“When your dad was angry, he lashed out at the world. Wanted others to feel his pain.” Murdock glanced at her arms, even though most of her scars were covered by her sleeves. “You only ever hurt yourself.”
She contemplated those words for a long moment. The truth they held. Cutting herself had been about controlling her pain. She’d always turned inward when the world was too heavy. No way would she consider doing anything that might hurt others.
“We’re all made of dark and light, Erika. The side that wins is all about the choices we make. And just like your mom, you always choose light.” He motioned toward Jace, who stood nearby, looking impatient as hell. “You have to decide what path you’re going to take.”
The urge to dig her nail in deeper overwhelmed her. She wouldn’t give in. Not this time.
“I need time.” She turned to Jace. “I’ll be in touch when I’m ready to talk.”
She palmed the keys she’d lifted from Jace’s pocket and slipped into the sedan. This time, she didn’t look when she pulled away.
* * *
Watching as the sedan became a dot down the drive, Jace knew in his heart that Erika was gone forever. He’d always known she’d have one of two reactions to the news. She would’ve leaned on him or disappeared.
His heart battered his ribs and he felt as if his chest might explode. But then what the hell had he expected from her? Two-point-five kids? A freakin’ minivan?
Erika’s demons were as bad as his own.
People like the two of them didn’t get white pickets, which totally sucked because Jace was completely crazy in love with her.
And how the hell was he supposed to walk away from that?
No choice. She did the walking for both of them.
Fuck.