Effective leadership is putting first things first. Effective management is discipline carrying it out.
—Stephen Covey
By now you have many skills and strategies to draw on to simplify your life and your time. Yet there comes a point when you realize you must say no. You’ve multitasked, you’ve prioritized, you’ve planned and replanned, but the reality is, sometimes you’re just out of time.
How I Learned to Say No
I remember the moment I learned to say no. I had been speaking for several years, with three to four engagements a week. My style was to include two-pocket folders with handouts for every participant. Our dining room table was the staging area for my able assistants, my grade school children. One evening at dinner after a particularly hectic month, the three of them looked at me with solemn eyes.
“Mom, we’ve decided something,” said Lisa. “We’re not going to stuff folders anymore.”
“We’re finished!” echoed Mark.
I was disappointed but not convinced. The next week I invited them to help me. But they refused.
So I had to set some personal boundaries. How many times could I balance family and speaking in a week? Two was comfortable, but three was stressing my family. Right then I made a decision: I would accept only two speeches a week. I then put a check mark on the right margin of my calendar to indicate the week was full.
Three days later, I received a call from a meeting planner asking in the nicest tone of voice, “Marcia, we have received rave reviews about your speaking. Are you available to speak to our group on March 27?”
I’m sure I was blushing with the warm affirmation. I opened my calendar and stared at the check mark at the end of that week. I held my breath and mentally scrambled to figure out if there was a way to squeeze in one more event. But then the faces of my three children popped into my mind and the promise to them and myself. I apologized to the meeting planner and told her I was booked that week.
She wasn’t dismayed and asked when I was available. I proposed an alternate date, and she accepted it—just like that.
At that moment I wondered, Why had it taken me so long to learn this? All these years I had eagerly given and even sacrificed to fit in the dates requested. And now I found out I could say no and still get hired? I learned my lesson: you don’t have to sacrifice yourself to get the results you want. And be wary of flattery, or you may be tempted to give up your personal boundaries and business integrity.
Learn It Once, Apply It Forever
Once you learn what you’re giving away when you say yes, it becomes easier to say no. But there are some nuances of saying no that are helpful. You need to weigh the situation and the consequences.
Five Reasons We Say Yes When We Should Say No
Before we talk about when to say no, let’s take a look at why we say yes when we shouldn’t. Each person is different, but you might say yes because:
1. YOU’RE A PEOPLE PLEASER. It’s easier to say yes and suffer some pain working things out to accommodate people rather than listen to their disapproval or disappointment in you.
2. YOU WANT THE BUSINESS. You make work a priority, and you’re willing to do almost anything to extend yourself. The word overextended never occurs to the person trained never to turn a customer away.
3. YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU TO BE NICE TO EVERYONE. You put the needs of others ahead of yours, regard-less of what it takes to fulfill their request. You say yes and then dread fulfilling the request.
4. YOU DIDN’T CHECK YOUR CALENDAR. You only have so much time in your week (168 hours, to be exact). Be sure that when you move something new into the calendar, you take something else out.
5. YOU’VE PARTICIPATED IN A CERTAIN ACTIVITY BEFORE AND ASSUME YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN. Saying yes repeatedly can be a problem if you keep adding events without subtracting any.
What Are Your Red Flags?
For some people, saying no to a request is as hard as saying no to a slice of double fudge chocolate cake when they just started a diet. The first step in learning to say no is to recognize the red flags that signal overcommitment, such as the following:
Your family complains that you’re too busy.
Your best friend says, “You never have time for me anymore.”
You’re the last one at the grocery store before it closes.
Your eyes are bloodshot from reading e-mails too late at night.
You work from early morning until late at night with few or no breaks.
You feel exhausted every day.
Geri’s Busy Schedule
Geri overheard me answering questions about choosing a planner to meet your personal and professional needs. She pulled out her planner with some embarrassment. “I have so many things on my calendar, I don’t even like to look at it anymore!” I took a peek, and I had to agree.
If your calendar is too full, I encourage you to say no! And say it very loudly to whatever new opportunities entice you to overcommit.
Geri really wanted to add a weekend retreat with her girlfriends to the schedule, but she was a committed soccer mom. “My team needs me. I can’t depend on anyone else to set up for the kids’ game and snacks.”
I jumped in. “Whoa, right there,” I said. “No one? If not, then it’s time to talk with the other parents.”
“I’ve tried, but people just forget or have excuses. I’ve sent home schedules with the kids and called everyone the night before. It hasn’t worked,” she complained.
Delegate to Free Up Time
To delegate successfully, you need to find the best time and method to reach each contact. Some folks still only respond to phone calls, but most read their e-mail. Parents often delegate chores to the family through a chart on the refrigerator. Leaders like Geri can delegate work by e-mail or during meetings. Find out what works for the people you’re involved with and then follow up using those avenues.
With some coaxing, Geri decided to go on the retreat and limit her delegation reminders to e-mail two days before. If individuals didn’t step up to help, then so be it. She had done her part and couldn’t be responsible for others.
Time Is Always a Trade-off
When you say yes to something new, you are saying no to something you already said yes to. Think about that. Time for that new activity must come from somewhere. I’ve met people who cut back on sleep and eating in order to cram another activity into their lives. When is enough enough? Only you can decide. Examine your schedule. Ask yourself why you keep adding to it.
Choose Your Yeses and Nos and Say Them Clearly
While it is empowering to say no, if you say it too often, people may stop asking you to join them. It’s important to know what matters to you. Then you can say an enthusiastic yes when you make a commitment and a clear no when you are unable to. The most dependable people know who they are and are clear about their “yes” and “no.”
| I SAY YES TO: | I SAY NO TO: |
|---|---|
| 1. My spouse and kids | People and events that interfere with family |
| 2. Saturday mornings at home | Work and trainings that take me away on Saturdays |
| 3. Ending work on time | Personal perfectionism that keeps me at work longer |
| 4. My favorite hobby and TV show | Spending the whole evening in front of the TV |
Being overwhelmed can be a positive opportunity to get down to the basics of what’s really important and rebuild your life from there. All the other offers are easier to say no to or delegate because you now have to make the most of limited emotional energy and available time.
Seek to be as accurate and timely in your commitments as you can. Your goal is to know yourself and your schedule so well that you can give an accurate answer on the spot. Effectively say no and delegate to keep your life on track.
It’s Your Time
Learn to Delegate and Say No (Time Skill #6)
The next time I’m asked to do something, I will . . .
□ Say, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you tomorrow.”
□ Look for a way to delegate other tasks to free up time to say yes to the request.
□ Answer with a clear no or an enthusiastic yes because I know what’s important to me.
If you don’t know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else.
—Laurence J. Peter