Justin watched Sam sleep for the longest time. He was one of those guys who despite being short somehow managed to stretch from one side of the bed to the other. They’d made love tonight, and true to form, Sam had collapsed on the bed and not moved thereafter except to sprawl about.
Justin hadn’t found it as easy to sleep, so he sat on the windowsill, looking down at the snow below and the tent village that proved they weren’t alone at Crooked Tree.
Sam moved in his sleep, muttered something, and Justin turned back to see him reach over to Justin’s pillow and pull it close to him to hug, and all Justin could do was smile. He loved Sam to distraction, to the point that he could almost forget everything in his past. Sam did that: he balanced Justin and made him a better man for it.
“Come back to bed,” Sam muttered, his eyes open and looking right up at Justin.
Justin smiled down at him and crossed to the bed, kneeling at the side. “There’s no room,” he teased.
Sam frowned and then bodily moved back to his side and lifted the covers. Justin slid in without argument and scooted back, happy to be the little spoon until the warmth of Sam against his scarred back became too much. Normally after about ten minutes.
“Talk to me,” Sam said.
“What about?”
“Justin, fuck’s sake, about whatever is making you prowl around half-naked in the middle of the night.”
“Oh, it’s nothing, really.”
Except it was, it was the biggest everything he could imagine, and it could end with him and Sam having to leave Crooked Tree.
“Bullshit,” Sam snapped without heat, his tone playful.
“I spoke to Ryan today, asked if maybe we could talk about the events Adam is starting to recall. Memories I’m a part of.”
“From when you disappeared?”
“No, from the murders when he was in WITSEC.”
Sam held him tight briefly and then moved to straddle him, before rolling them sideways and holding him close. He pressed a kiss to Justin’s throat. “You didn’t even know Adam was alive then, so you didn’t have anything to do with all that.”
Justin carded his hands in Sam’s hair. “So trusting,” he said. “It doesn’t matter what questions you have, you just accept I’m a good man.”
Sam huffed a breath, warm on Justin’s skin. “You told me everything you could, and I love you.”
“Sam?”
“Hmmm?”
Sam was falling asleep splayed over him, but Justin had one more thing to ask. “What if I had to leave Crooked Tree?”
There was no hesitation. “I’ll go where you go. I’d find someone to cover my role at Branches, because it’s always good to have a fallback financially for us. Maybe hire in a manager, but it would be okay.”
“I love you,” Justin said after a moment’s pause.
More than life itself. More than being home. More than anything.
“I love you too,” Sam murmured, his breath hot against Justin’s throat.
“Will you come with me when I talk to Ryan?”
“Will you tell him anything I don’t already know?”
“Just the dreams… and what Adam is recalling. I want him to remember everything but it might mean we’d have to leave to give him space.”
“And I said that was okay. And, of course I’ll come with you.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you.”
And then Sam’s breathing evened out and he was asleep over Justin, like a blanket.
Finally, pressed down into the mattress like that, Justin slept.
Justin sent the text as soon as he was awake, Ryan responded quickly, and a meeting was scheduled. Only when he and Sam were in the car on the way to the sheriff’s office did nerves start to grate inside him. He felt edgy and hot, and not even Sam’s hand on his knee was helping.
“Calm down,” Sam encouraged.
“I can’t,” Justin bit out, irritation and anger curling in his gut. If it were that simple, he’d have done it already! He closed his eyes, listened to the noise of the road, attempting to center himself, but nothing was working.
The car slowed, crunching over gravel, and stopped.
Sam twisted in his seat. “Seriously, Justin, calm down.”
Calm down? How the hell was he going to calm down? He was basically handing himself over to the sheriff, and he was going to give Ryan permission to be honest with Adam. “I’m trying,” he said and gritted his teeth.
Sam looked at him, all concerned and sympathetic, and Justin didn’t care where they’d stopped, he shoved open his door and stepped into the snow piled at the side of the road, right up to his knees.
Sam rounded the car before he’d even moved an inch. “Justin?”
“Fuck off, Sam. You don’t know what I did, you don’t know what I saw, the choices I made. If I told you half of what I’ve done, you’d leave me here in the snow. I don’t understand why the hell you’re even with me, let alone allowing me to fuck you.” The words tumbled out of him in a slew of self-hatred and guilt, but all Sam did was look at him steadily, as if he didn’t care.
“Why don’t you care?” Justin snapped, aware his jeans were getting damp.
Sam looked at him, not moving his gaze. His expression was still the same, compassion written in every line of him.
“I’m not any good for you!” Justin was shouting now. “I try really hard to be normal, but it doesn’t work all the time. And then I yell at you, and you never once push back, and all you do is fucking smile at me like it’s all okay. Well, I’m telling you now, it’s not okay, and when you listen to what I tell Ryan, you’ll be running out of that room.” The shouting was louder, but just getting the words out there, the fears he kept locked inside, made him feel impossibly light. If Sam would just leave him, then Justin wouldn’t have to care that what he’d done could hurt him.
Sam crossed his arms over his chest and paused, evidently waiting for something else. Then he said softly, “Are you done now?”
And abruptly, Justin was done. His jeans were soaked, his feet frozen, his heart lighter, and his head clearer. “Well, shit,” he muttered.
Sam sighed and gestured at the snow up to Justin’s knees. “Get in the car, Justin.”
Justin did as he was told, feeling more embarrassed than he had in a long time.
Sam turned on the engine, and adjusted the heating so it was on Justin’s legs. Then, in a smooth move, he yanked Justin his way and kissed him long and hard. “Mine,” he said.
That single word went straight to Justin’s cock and he groaned low in his throat. Sam had the ability to get right inside him and tip him over into unknown territory, just using the look of utter determination in his gorgeous eyes.
They didn’t talk for the five minutes it took to pull into the sheriff’s office, but as soon as the car stopped, Justin leaned over for a kiss.
“Sorry,” he mumbled against Sam’s lips.
In answer, Sam simply deepened the kiss. When he pulled away, he was smiling. “Let’s do this thing.”
“You brought cakes,” Ryan joked, taking the container and looking around as if considering where to put it, finally clearly deciding it was best off in his office, which he showed them straight into. The sheriff’s station wasn’t big, maybe six or so rooms ranged around an inquiry desk staffed by the inimitable Frankie McAllister.
“Have a seat.” Ryan indicated the circle of comfy chairs ranged next to his immaculate desk. Sam sat near the door, Justin to his left, and Ryan settled his large frame opposite.
Justin didn’t hesitate. “Adam finally said something to me, told me he wasn’t sleeping, that he was dreaming all the time. I didn’t know what to say, so I asked him what he was dreaming about. In these dreams he was seeing things that he shouldn’t know, seeing things that weren’t even possible.”
Ryan eased forward in his seat, elbows on his knees, his hands clenched between them. “What kind of things? Memories?”
“He told me he saw the two agents killed at the ranch he worked at when he was in witness protection. But he couldn’t have.”
Ryan considered. “How do you know that? As far as I was aware, you didn’t even know Adam was still alive, so how can you know what he did and didn’t see?”
Justin reached into his jacket pocket, closing his hand around the memory stick that was one of three copies he had. He didn’t pull it out yet; he had to make Ryan see what he was trying to achieve. “There’s more. He’s placing me at the scene in his dreams.”
Ryan sat upright. “He saw you? You were actually there?”
Justin swallowed. What he was doing here was huge, but he owed this to Adam. Next to him, Sam placed a hand on his knee, reassuring, comforting.
“That was my job,” Justin said. “I didn’t know….” He trailed away and paused. “My partner, Rob, was supposed to work it, but we had to go to contingency when he was caught in a mess in DC.”
“So what you’re saying, in my office, is that you admit you killed the two men on duty who were protecting Adam.”
That wasn’t a question from Ryan, it was a flat statement of fact, and Justin’s chest tightened. “No, I’m admitting nothing. In fact, that’s one thing I didn’t do.”
He’d done what he’d done and there was no going back, and he liked Ryan. He hated to destroy the illusion that he was some kind of antihero, that somehow there were reasons for what he did. At that time, he’d thought he was working for the good old US of A, but he’d been lied to, fucked over, and hung out to dry. He’d been wrong, and he’d done some awful things that he needed to come to terms with.
“The thing is, I wasn’t there to take them out,” he said. What he said next was going to wreck everything, but he didn’t need to say a word because Ryan closed his eyes.
“Fuck, Justin,” Sam said on a gasp of disbelief. “You were sent to kill Adam?”
“James Mahone—Jamie, that was the name he was using. And I didn’t know it was Adam. Shit, as far as I knew Adam was dead years before, okay? I got there and the two guys were already dead.” He pressed his fingers to his brow. “Straight to the head, execution-style. I did a cursory look, had to leave. I could recognize my boss’s work, so I knew it was something to do with my team, but it wasn’t me. Hell, if Adam had been there….” He paused, the words choked up in his throat. “If he was there, hiding, watching, I didn’t see him. But what he says he remembers is me front and center killing those two men.”
Ryan pursed his lips, his dark eyes holding so many questions, and all Justin could think was that now was the right time. He pulled out the memory stick.
“If Adam is remembering, then there might be a time when you can tell him it all much better than I can, away from emotion and just giving him cold, hard facts. This gives you everything you need.”
Ryan took the proffered stick and turned it over in his hands. “What will I find on here?”
“Names, dates, everything I could get before I blew up the computer. God knows what is out there in the cloud, I can’t believe for one minute I am the only one with this information. If Adam is starting to recall facts, then he could need your support. There’s proof in there that I wasn’t the shooter he saw, but it won’t matter to him at the moment if I tell him that. Because he has these images in his head from the dreams and he’ll need it from an official source, like you.”
“Justin—”
“I know it’s a big favor to ask, Ryan, but I wanted this in your hands, so if something happens to me, and if you need to….” He hunched a little, and Sam’s hand tightened on his knee.
“I was going to say,” Ryan began, pulling the conversation away from Justin’s fears, “if you told Adam the truth, I’m convinced he would believe you.”
“There’ll always be doubt in his mind, and in Ethan’s. I’ve seen the way my brother and Adam look at me at times.” Emotion choked him, and he hated that he couldn’t get the words out right. “I don’t want them to look at me and hate me. I hate myself enough for everyone.”
“Stop it, Justin,” Sam snapped from his side.
Justin ignored him, focusing instead on Ryan. “If it comes to it, if they lose what little respect they have for me and there’s reason to—” He looked at Sam, who still looked pissed but nodded at the unspoken question.
That was one thing Justin could believe in. Whatever he’d done, whoever he’d once been, he had Sam in his life. And Sam loved him.
“I’ll leave. I’m not serving time for what I’ve done. I’ll leave and find the most distant point where it will be as if I’m dead.”
Ryan shifted in his seat. “What if you deserve to go to prison?”
“Fuck, Ryan—” Sam began, but Justin stopped him talking.
“I already am. In my head, I live with it every day. But if you think… if you feel that Adam would be better off with me facing some kind of justice?” He stopped, couldn’t say any more, and Sam gripped his hand so tight he was cutting off circulation.
“Justin did what he did for his country,” Sam said firmly. “Whatever lies he was told, whoever he was supposed to kill, he lives with it every day.”
“I know,” Ryan said, his body language about as far from hostile as you could get. “I guess I’m playing devil’s advocate here. Playing the what-if game.”
“We’ll go and start a life somewhere else if it comes to it,” Justin said. “Sam and I will go, and you will have what you need to blow the whole thing up.”
Ryan hesitated momentarily and turned the stick over and over in his hand. “You know I should escalate this. It’s my duty to do that.”
Justin nodded. “Our families have been friends a long time, Ryan. I hope you can sit on this for me because of that and in spite of the fact you’re the sheriff. I trust you.”
Ryan avoided answering that. “What will you do now?”
“Adam needs space to recall things on his own. It’s like some days he can’t even look at me.”
That wasn’t exactly an answer but Ryan inclined his head in acknowledgment. “So, you plan on leaving anyway?”
“For the summer, maybe, just to give him space.” He glanced sideways at Sam.
Sam had a business, a career, an investment in Crooked Tree. It would be difficult for him to leave with Justin. Maybe this was something Justin needed to do on his own.
“I’ll be with him,” Sam said, his tone allowing for no discussion on the matter. Justin’s chest tightened with emotion and he thought he was going to cry.
Fucking stupid emotions.
He coughed to clear his throat. “Ryan, will you sit on this information unless you need to release it, for Adam’s sake?”
Ryan gazed at him, his expression thoughtful, and then gave a sharp nod. “Yes. For Adam.” Then he added in a much softer voice, “And for you.”
Justin and Ryan stood, and Ryan was the first to pull Justin in for a hug. Something passed between them, an understanding, and Justin hoped to hell Ryan could feel his regret.
Outside, back in the parking lot, Sam sat very still in the car, both hands on the wheel. He stared out at the snow swirling around them. This was probably one of the last snowfalls of the year until late fall, and it simply added another inch to the already deep piles.
“Where would we go?” Sam asked.
“If we had to?” Justin asked, to clarify.
Sam nodded and then side-eyed him. “Somewhere with snow still, right? Where Christmas is white.”
“And where there’s a summer just like here,” Justin pointed out.
Sam started the car. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“I love you. Every part of me loves you,” Justin’s voice held so much emotion that it obviously cut deep into Sam.
Choked with his own emotion, Sam smiled gently. “Every part of me loves you too.”