I clicked on the email that my boss, Cliff, had just sent me. It was actually addressed to the members of the board, but Cliff had copied me on it. After reading the first sentence, I froze. That asshole.
I stood up and peered around my cubicle toward Cliff's office. It was already empty. He didn't even have the nerve to send it while he was in the office because he knew I'd want to talk to him. Not that he was in the office that much anyway.
"Hey, Ethan," Bill said and plopped down in my seat. "Susan has her book club meeting tonight. Wanna go grab a drink?"
I didn't say anything. I should have known Cliff would put his name on my work. And he was lucky he wasn't here. If he was, I'd probably punch him in the face.
"You okay, man?"
"No, not really. Cliff took credit for the Blackstone Report. I spend four months researching and writing that thing, and then he just put his name on it before sending it to the board."
"Did you really not see that coming?"
"I guess I kind of did. I was just hoping that for once he wouldn't be a total asshole."
"Yeah right. So how about that drink? I can be your wingman."
"Yes to the drink. No to the wingman."
Bill stood up. "You've been single for six months. You have to get back out there."
"It's only been four months."
"Well, the two months you tried to make it work didn't really count. Madeline cheated on you. Done. There was nothing to work on. So it's been six months. Which means you need to move on."
I sighed. I knew Bill was right, but I didn't know where to begin. I had been dating Madeline since college. Just the thought of picking up a girl at a bar made me start to sweat. "I don't know, man. I guess I just don't know where to start."
"That's what we're going to do tonight. Come on, let's go." Bill started walking toward the elevator.
I didn't get to hang out with him as much now that he was married. Susan was great, but she always made him do super lame things. I was surprised he wasn't going to the all women's book club with her. I quickly caught up to him. I just needed to make him forget about being my wingman. "Let's focus on getting a drink."
"That doesn't take any focus."
"Right. I still can't believe that Cliff took credit for my idea."
"Let's drown your sorrows." He clapped me on the back as we stepped on the elevator.
***
"How about her?" Bill asked and nodded his head toward a blonde girl standing alone at the bar.
I took a sip of my beer. "Too blonde."
Bill laughed. "Too blonde, too thin, too short, too tall...what the hell, Ethan? Just go talk to one of them."
"None of them really seem like my type."
"Why, because they're not Madeline? Come on, man."
I looked up at the TV. Channel 9 News was on, but they were switching to the weather soon. Watching Layla Torrez's weather forecast had become a highlight of my days. A few seconds later she came onto the screen. Now she was the perfect woman. Her skin was perfectly tanned and she had dark brown eyes and long brunette hair. She always wore tight dresses that seemed to push her breasts up. And her smile made me smile.
"Oh, I see," Bill said.
"What?" I asked, without looking at him. My eyes were transfixed on Layla.
"No one here is good enough because you think you can score a girl like Layla Torrez."
"I didn't say that." But if a girl like her was here, I'd definitely try to talk to her.
"I hate to break it to you, Ethan, but you're not ready for a ten. How about you start with the seven at the end of the bar. Work your way up from there."
"That's okay," I said without even looking at who he was talking about.
"You're so lame. Susan will be home soon so I can't be here much longer. Talk to one girl. Now." Bill shoved me off the bar stool.
"Geez, fine." I looked around the small room. I hadn't had to use a pick up line in years. How had I first talked to Madeline? We were friends first. I don't know. I just wanted to go home.
"Now." Bill pushed my arm.
Fuck. I walked over to the girl that was too blonde. Despite what Bill said, too blonde was a thing. I just meant that she looked fake. She definitely wasn't a natural blonde. I stopped at her table and looked behind me.
"Get her number," Bill mouthed at me and pointed to his cell phone.
Ugh. I put my elbow on the table and smiled at her.
She immediately smiled back.
"There are two reasons why you should go on a date with me," I said.
"Is that so?"
"Mhm. Do you want to guess what they are?"
"You're handsome and endearing?"
"I was going to go with something more like no one will try to steal me from you and sometimes I can be pretty funny."
She laughed half heartedly.
"Was my line really that bad?"
"It wasn't great." She smiled. She seemed to like me making fun of myself more than my pick up line. Maybe I just needed a better line.
"Actually, you remind me of cheese," I said.
"Excuse me?"
"Because I want you on everything."
"I'm lactose intolerant." She grabbed her drink and walked away from me.
"Okay," I mumbled to myself.
"Dude, what the hell was that?" Bill walked up next to me.
"She just wasn't interested. I think she's a lesbian."
"You're such an idiot. Every girl that shoots you down isn't necessarily gay. She turned you down because you can't compare a girl to cheese and expect her to think it's a compliment."
"But cheese is amazing. I was being nice. Especially because that girl was anything but amazing. I'd choose cheese over her any day."
"Yeah, but girls are weird."
"How did you even hear me? Weren't you sitting over there a second ago? And you're supposed to be helping me, not insulting me. Besides, now I'm hungry. Let's go get some cheese steaks."
"Here." He grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the bar, toward the girl I assumed he said was a seven.
"Hey," he said to the girl. "This is my friend, Ethan. And ever since we got here, he hasn't stopped looking at you."
"Is that so?" She smiled at me.
"You're definitely the prettiest girl here," I said. I wasn't sure if that was true or not. I hadn't been looking.
Her face blushed.
"I actually have to get going," Bill said. "Will you take care of Ethan for me?"
"I think I can do that." She smiled at me again.
"Okay." Bill slapped my back. "Later, man."
All I wanted to do was leave too. I did want to get over Madeline, but I wasn't sure if this was the way to do it. I just needed to wait until I met the right girl. Not just any girl.
"So..." she said. "I'm Julie." She stuck her hand out to me.
"Nice to meet you, Julie."
She took a sip from her beer bottle. "You look like you're in really good shape. Do you work out a lot?"
That was worse than my cheese pick up line. "If you're asking if I can pick you up, I'm sure that I can."
She frowned. "Why wouldn't you be able to pick me up? I'm not like...huge or anything."
"Oh, no. You're not fat. That's not what I meant at all. It was just a pun on picking you up because of pick up lines." I laughed awkwardly.
"Okay." She looked embarrassed. I needed to make her laugh again.
"But speaking of working out. Did you know that every minute you kiss someone you lose almost three calories? Maybe we could burn some calories together?"
"Stop calling me fat. What is wrong with you?"
"I'm not calling you fat. I'm just..."
"Whatever, man." She grabbed her purse and fled the bar.
I sighed and sat back down at the bar. That was not great.