I am what survives me.
—Erik Erikson
IN HIS SONG “GRANDMA’S HANDS,” Bill Withers shared memories of his grandmother clapping her hands in church, picking him up when he fell, and saving him from a spanking. A series of “touching” images leave no doubt of the strength of their attachment. At the end, Bill pledges, “When I get to heaven, I’ll look for Grandma’s hands.” Grandparenting is grounded in this kind of deep emotional bond that he so beautifully describes in a series of instances of love, care, and protection.
When the French historian and sociologist Alexis de Tocqueville traveled across America in 1831, he described what he saw as an ethic of the grandparents’ role (and right) to spoil their grandchildren. This often occurred, he noted, to the surprise and dismay of the parents caught in the middle. Some theorists think that what de Tocqueville witnessed has a sociopolitical basis. Indulgent grandparents are often found in cultures where power is passed on from grandparent to parent while grandparents are still alive. The close relationships between grandchildren and their grandparents are thought to be fostered by grandparents’ need to maintain some form of authority.1
This view suggests that the strong emotional bond between grandparent and grandchild serves as a means of ensuring the social position of the grandparents and limiting the power of parents over their children. As I mentioned earlier, grandparents and grandchildren may get along so well because they share a common enemy. A more appealing explanation is that once grandparents pass power to their children, they are able to be less authoritarian, more emotionally available, and more nurturing of their grandchildren. This may represent a social and emotional parallel to the grandmother gene, believed to support the health and survival of grandchildren, as discussed previously.
THE VALUE OF GRANDPARENTING
Friends are for when your grandchildren aren’t available.
Anonymous
Many grandparents say that they enjoy being with their grandchildren more than they enjoyed parenting their own kids. Some say it’s wonderful that they can play with them all day and get a full night’s sleep after they leave. Others say that having a broader perspective and getting less emotionally activated than they did with their own children allows for more pleasurable relationships. Grandparents also describe how less outside pressure allows them to relax and enjoy their grandchildren.
In most cases, there is less discipline and more positive affection. While children are busy rebelling against their parents, grandparents and grandchildren can establish a conspiratorial alliance to help navigate challenging family dynamics and personalities. If handled in a balanced and mature way, this can help a child to experience and express greater emotional depth as well as learn valuable negotiation skills. In-depth studies of the value of grandparenting for grandchildren reveal a number of important factors across psychological, social, and cultural domains. Grandparents can offer a secure, constant, and loving relationship second only to parents and provide an anchor of family connections. The presence of grandparents also provides a role model for adulthood and aging as well as a sense of cultural and historical rootedness.2
Grandparents’ ability to provide these functions depends upon their sense of commitment to the family, as well as the extent to which they share space, time, and activities with their grandchildren. Unfortunately, older adults are sometimes given the message that they are no longer an integral part of their families. They are told in many ways not to be a burden to their children and grandchildren or interfere in their lives. The argument to get out of the way often overshadows the more traditional continued contribution to the family.
Given the increasing longevity of older adults, grandparents are able to contribute more and more to their families. This growing ability to provide nurturance comes at a time in history when it is sorely needed. The single-family household is now the most prevalent context of child rearing in the United States. In America, 40% of babies are now being born to single mothers, while two-parent families are under increasing financial pressure to have two incomes.3 A growing cost of modern society is the increasing absence of the father, and more recently the mother, from the moment-to-moment experience of children. Three-generation households, while common in agricultural and third-world societies, account for only 3% of contemporary American families.4 Day care, after-school programs, and nannies now fill the nurturance gap created by nuclear families with two working parents.
Traditional cultures around the world have always included elders of both genders in a variety of social and practical tasks that are fully integrated into the life of the tribe. In addition to cooking and child care, older women take part in storytelling, ritual healing, and spiritual leadership. In some tribes, older men participate in child care in addition to their responsibilities for religious leadership, the performance of rituals, and communicating with deceased elders. These functions are not trivial; they are necessary for the physical, emotional, and spiritual survival of the tribe. In the Tallensi tribe of West Africa, being a grandparent is considered a person’s highest achievement and a prerequisite for elder status.5
Study after study has shown that grandparents both provide and receive a great deal of benefit by retaining their role as fully contributing members of the family. They offer emotional nurturance to their grandchildren while continuing to be active parents to their own children. There is little doubt that grandparents and other older adults are in a position to contribute to their families by filling the ever-widening gap between children’s needs and parental availability.6 Although the need for their participation is increasing, elders are being guided by cultural expectations to become increasingly distant from their families.
FILLING THE NURTURANCE GAP
A grandchild is a miracle, but a renewed relationship with your own children is an even greater one.
T. Berry Brazelton
When your children begin having children, they (and your future grandchildren) need you as much as ever. New mothers need to be supported and scaffolded by those around them as they nurture their children.7 Minimizing their stress and nurturing a calm and receptive state of mind contributes to the growth and well-being of the next generation. Young children especially need the physical and emotional scaffolding of their mothers to optimize the brain-building process. Giving adult children breaks from child care and providing grandchildren with stimulating and loving interactions adds to the well-being the entire family.
Keep in mind that maternal stress during pregnancy negatively affects the developing brain by altering neurotransmitter levels, disturbing cerebral lateralization, and decreasing brain growth.8 Anxious women tend to have newborns with lower levels of serotonin, dopamine, and vagal tone, all of which correlate with depression, anxiety, and attachment difficulties.9
A mother with postpartum depression lacks the energy to interact with and stimulate her children at the time when they most need attuned engagement.10 Depression that manifests as irritability and anger will certainly interfere with a mother’s ability to attune to her child.11 Children of depressed mothers have also been found to experience a disruption in the development, connection, and integration of the frontal lobes. For these children, neural activation becomes biased toward the right hemisphere and puts them at increased risk for poor self-control, lower academic performance, and less empathic abilities.12
The prevalence and impact of postpartum depression make it a significant public health issue that grandparents are in a good position to recognize.13 Pregnant women who receive more social support experience easier labors and less postpartum depression. Further, their babies have higher birth weights and are more developed at birth.14 Therefore, your presence supports both your daughter’s well-being and the healthy development of your grandchild’s brain. On the one hand, grandparents can assist their children in getting the professional help they require to address debilitating psychiatric symptoms. On the other, they can continue to provide their grandchildren with the love and attention required for healthy brain development during sensitive developmental periods.
MEN AS NURTURERS
Old age is the most unexpected thing that can happen to a man.
Trotsky
While a mother’s role as a nurturer is seldom questioned, and a grandmother is usually considered a competent and capable backup, the nurturing capabilities of fathers and grandfathers are often suspect. At worst, fathers do little more than pay the bills, and grandfathers are the old guys who doze off on the sofa. This perception of men in American society is captured in popular television shows of family life. While single young men are sexy and interesting, and possess unlimited potential, married men are presented as caricatures of masculinity gone wrong. From Ralph Cramden to Homer Simpson, middle-aged and older men are often portrayed as selfish adolescents. Many families accept this perspective and see their fathers and grandfathers as incompetent caretakers, but there is another reality of male nurturance beneath this prejudice.15
Men are not passive observers of parenthood; in fact, fathers also experience hormonal changes in response to becoming parents. Both expectant mothers and fathers show higher levels of prolactin and cortisol just before birth, while fathers show lower levels of testosterone, estradiol, and cortisol after their babies are born.16 These data suggest that both parents are biologically attuned to the arrival of their child. In studies where available time is controlled for, the involvement of fathers is equal to that of mothers, while in single-parent homes of both genders, there is no difference in the affection reported by parents and children for one another.17 Although this research has not been done with grandfathers, I suspect the same fundamental human processes are occurring.
So what do men contribute to their children? The answers are likely to be complex and controversial. Most research finds that men and women relate differently to children. Men are generally seen as more challenging and physically active, filling roles complementary to the calmer emotional base provided by mothers and grandmothers.18 This style of parenting often leads fathers to be less involved with their daughters as they grow up because they aren’t sure what they have to offer them. This may be why girls who have brothers receive more attention from their fathers.19
The value of the father’s contribution to his children’s development is unmistakable. Studies have shown that a dad’s involvement in caretaking is predictive of secure attachment.20 The quality of father-child attachment predicts things like social competence, social adjustment, self-esteem, and school adjustment.21 Among school-aged children, positive male engagement results in greater self-control, life skills, and social competence, which persisted through adolescence.22 As playmates, fathers and grandfathers stimulate cognitive and social growth, and their positive availability to children is associated with better social skills, academic performance, emotional regulation, and moral development.23
There is not a great deal of research specifically focused on the importance of grandfathers to the development and well-being of their adult children and grandchildren. There is, however, considerable research into the impact of fathers and stepfathers that we can use to understand the importance of grandfathers. Fathers and stepfathers have been found to have an equally positive effect on their children’s development. This demonstrates that the presence and availability of positive male nurturance is not the exclusive domain of biological fathers.24
While grandfathers sometimes feel useless as caretakers, they are capable of making a unique and complementary contribution to parenting.25 Grandfathers can help social, emotional, and cognitive development through physical play, sports, and encouraging achievement.26 Research suggests that a warm and supportive relationship is the key to realizing the effects of the connection between an adult male and a child.27 Just in case you still have doubts about the importance of men in child development, see the research findings summarized in Table 13.1.
Table 13.1. The Positive Effects of Relationships With Loving Male Adults: Grandfathers, Fathers, Stepfathers, and Mentors
| Greater social engagement a | Greater self-esteem f |
| Turn-taking and appropriate ways of competing with others b | Appropriate risk-taking g |
| Improved sibling interactions c | Greater empathy h |
| Better social connection and social competency d | Fewer behavior problemsi |
| Greater emotional security and psychological well-being e | Enhanced cognitive functioning j Better academic performance k |
Although the dissolution of the family can have a devastating impact on every child, the absence of the father may have a particularly negative impact on young boys. By extended absence or abandoning the family, a father can leave his son with a deep emptiness that becomes filled with anger, rage, and confusion. Perhaps the increase in fatherless households explains why, between 1972 and 2000, the percentage of young adults (18–24) voting in American presidential elections dropped from 47% to 23%. In a study from the late 1990s where students were asked to name someone in their life whom they found to be inspiring—someone they considered a personal hero—the most common response was “no one.” 28
Despite good intentions, women cannot initiate boys into the world of men. Many men of my generation suffered abandonment by their fathers and tried to learn how to become men under their mothers’ tutelage. Most of us entered adulthood knowing how not to be like our fathers but with few positive role models. Younger men need to be seen, admired, and guided by older men, just as older men need to be looked up to by younger men. When children continually shout, “Look at me, look at me,” they are asking for exactly what they need—to be looked at with affection, pride, and admiration. Societal changes have led to the alienation of the generations and separated fathers from sons with unfortunate consequences.
Sequestering older adults in retirement communities and nursing homes is not only damaging to them but cuts off a natural social resource. If society deems that men over 65 are ridiculous relics of a bygone era and if older men buy into this role, they will not have the confidence and power to guide younger men into adulthood. Society as a whole will suffer the consequences of future generations of disconnected and disoriented men.
Fortunately, a wide array of older men can play an important role in the lives of young men. Teachers, coaches, uncles, and other older men can play a major role in the lives of younger men, especially when they take an interest in the nurturance of their minds and spirits. Boys need male role models to teach them how to be men. They need help to learn to use their strength for their own good and the good of the community. If this energy isn’t guided, the resulting anger can be channeled into destructive antisocial behavior.
Younger men will always have greater physical and technological prowess than older men. Older men have the advantages of experience and wisdom. Together they have traditionally been the head and hands of the tribe; separated, they are disjoined and ineffectual, and their survival becomes tenuous. Wisdom is needed to guide the power and emotions of younger men, and fathers and grandfathers betray young men when they abdicate this responsibility.
The absence of the father, through either abandonment, preoccupation, or emotional distance, is experienced by the child as a betrayal not only by the father, but by the world, fate, and God. If you are a young man, find an older man and let him know you need his company, attention, and advice. If you are an older man, look for a young man to admire and spend time with. Your relationship might fire your minds, enliven your brains, and fill your hearts.
LISTENING WITH YOUR HEART
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
Welsh proverb
Our ears translate mechanical vibrations into electrochemical signals that our brains convert into words and meanings. But sounds and words are only a small part of listening. Far more information is contained in the gestures and emotions that go along with what is being said. As we grow older, we have a better idea of other people’s struggles because there is a good chance we’ve experienced them ourselves. As we age, we often grow more skilled in hearing the human struggle behind the surface conflicts. We also know that it’s easier to accept support and advice when they are provided by someone who listens and shares in our feelings. Listening with your heart requires emotional presence and empathic attunement—it is wisdom in action.
Tim, a married man in his mid-30s, came to see me for help in dealing with stress. “I’m trying to be a good father to my three kids,” he said, “but I always feel like I’m messing up. I say the wrong thing, get angry, or forget something that’s important to them. I feel like I’m always apologizing.” One day I asked him, “Do you know any men who you think are good fathers?” In reply, he told me a story about his own father:
This memory begins with the typical smells and sounds of Thanksgiving Day. The combined aroma of turkey, dill, sage, cranberries, sweet potatoes. . . . You know that smell. My wife is rattling around in the kitchen searching for the serving platters. My daughters and son are playing board games in the den with my parents. The kids always get very excited when my folks come for a visit. They want attention from both of them at the same time, jockey for who will sit next to them, and pay rapt attention when they tell stories, especially the ones about the less stellar moments from my childhood. At this time, the kids were between 6 and 10, and I remember I was jealous of the attention they showed my folks, especially my dad. He seemed to be so good with them, so present, so tuned in.
While I was happy to see them getting along so well, I couldn’t help but think about how absent he was when I was young. When I did see him, he was tired, irritable, distracted, and no fun to be with. He was always asking me questions or telling me what to do. “Did you do your homework? Did you brush your teeth? Did you clean your room?” He never asked me anything about what was happening with me. As I got older, I remember trying to stay out of his way by making plans with friends or working on projects in the garage. I would do anything to avoid his attitudes, his moods, and that annoyed look of his. So while I was happy for my kids, there was this underlying feeling of anger and resentment: “They are getting what I didn’t get and now I have to be the heavy to make sure they do their homework. It’s just not fair.”
Somehow we negotiated Thanksgiving dinner and spent the afternoon hanging out in the backyard. At some point the badminton net went up, sides had been chosen, and we were all playing. My son Jimmy was on the same team with his mom and sisters and was getting riled up about not getting enough turns. Because he was the shortest, they could hit the birdie back over the net before it reached him. Fueling his frustration seemed to become the most entertaining part of the game for his sisters.
It was funny to watch them hit the birdie before it got to him, but they were taking it too far. Jimmy was aware that we were laughing at him, and he started to look hurt and angry. I was about to tell him to join our team when his anger got the best of him. “Shit!” came out of my innocent little boy’s mouth; then I heard a loud thwack as he clubbed his sister with his racket, followed by a bloodcurdling yell. Then all hell broke loose. My wife screamed, “Jimmy!” My other daughter screamed, “She’s bleeding!” And in her best Piglet voice, my mother added, “Oh dear. Oh dear me.”
Something about blood calms my wife and activates her nursing skills. Jenny’s bleeding head and its female entourage headed off to the bathroom, leaving three generations of males standing at the scene of the crime. I was feeling a lot of different emotions. I was worried about my daughter, I was angry at Jimmy, and I was ashamed that my father could see what a lousy father I had turned out to be. In the split second before the urge to smack Jimmy got the better of me, my dad stepped between us and put his arm around Jimmy’s shoulder. Dad said, “Come and sit with me,” and led Jimmy over to the bench.
My dad put his hand on Jimmy’s knee. “It must have been really frustrating for you that they wouldn’t let you hit the birdie; even worse, everyone laughed at you.” Jimmy’s rigid posture began to soften as his eyes welled with tears. Dad began to gently rub Jimmy’s back as he melted into his lap. Jimmy sobbed for a while as his grandfather held him.
After a while my Dad said, “From time to time, everyone gets treated unfairly or gets made fun of. It’s how you act at those difficult times that shows what you’re made of. Remember last Fourth of July when I fell in the pool with my clothes on?” Jimmy’s head started to shake, betraying his muffled laughter. Soon the three of us were laughing out loud. “You two guys laughed your butts off while I was bobbing up and down fishing for my shoe.”
After awhile Jimmy looked at him thoughtfully and said, “And you didn’t hit anybody on the head either. You just took it and smiled. It wasn’t right what they did to me, but hitting Jenny really wasn’t right.” After a few moments he added, “I’m gonna go and tell her I’m sorry and then go to my room.” Dad and I watched as Jimmy disappeared through the back door.
I thought back to my impulse to slap Jimmy. He would have been stunned and hurt, angry at me for adding to his pain and insult. If I had hit him, he would have run off to his room. I would have had to chase him down and order him to apologize to his sister and the entire family. It would have taken days for us to get close again and for the tension in the family to die down. I looked over to my dad, expecting “the look.” Instead he smiled at me and said, “Quite a boy you have there. You’ve done a great job with him.”
I was stunned! Not only had my father gently attained the result that I would have bullied Jimmy into, but he was complimenting me on being a good father! I felt like yelling and crying at the same time. “How did you do that?” I asked. “Do what?” Dad asked. “Get him to think about what happened and apologize to his sister,” I replied.
“Well, I could see that Jimmy was hurt, and I knew why he did what he did. I could also see that he was scared about what would happen next—what you would do and how he should feel. He was angry and ashamed and would have only felt worse if we came down on him. He needed to have his feelings acknowledged before he could think about his sister’s and see the right thing to do. Once he felt seen, he was able to do the right thing, just like you taught him.” I couldn’t believe how wise my dad had gotten.
“Where did you learn that and why didn’t you do it that way when I was a kid?” “When I was your age,” Dad said, “I was all full of piss and vinegar and thought that everything could be controlled through force. That’s how I made it through the war. That’s how I built the business. That’s how I survived day to day. But as I’ve grown older, I’ve had to learn some new ways of dealing with life. Like an old pitcher, I have to rely on finesse instead of my fastball; I’ve had to learn how to listen and pay attention to other people’s feelings and work from there.
“I know that I used to swat you and your brothers and then tell you that you should never hit other people. I can see now how crazy that is, doing one thing and trying to teach the opposite. Kids learn to treat others by how you treat them. I wish I would have known these things when you were young; I would have done things differently. You’re a lot smarter than I was at your age, and I don’t think it will take you as long to figure them out.” That was the day I realized I still had a lot more to learn from my old man.