“I don’t know what to do,” Bryan said the moment Tommy opened the door.
“Let’s go out back.” Tommy ushered him down the hallway. “Be quiet, though, Steph is sleeping.”
Bryan followed him past the living room where Stephanie curled on the couch with a bright red blanket over her bulging belly, out through the sliding patio door. He hunkered down on one of the cushioned lounge chairs. The late-afternoon sun blazed on the concrete, and Tommy cranked an umbrella to cover them both before sitting on the lounge chair next to him.
“What’s going on?” Tommy asked.
Bryan tried to put it in words, but couldn’t. After he’d kissed Jade, which had been revealing in a way he hadn’t expected, he hadn’t been prepared for her reaction. All he wanted to do was stay here, explore whatever was between them, but she’d pushed him away.
When she’d accused him of making her his backup plan, he’d emotionally shut down. They’d canoed back to Granddad’s cottage in silence. Sam and his old friend from high school stood on the deck, shouting they were going fishing and for him and Jade to join them. Bryan had waved them off. How could he fish when his life made zero sense? Jade’s spine had been rigid and her face pale all the way to her apartment. She’d slammed his truck door shut without a backward glance.
He’d driven straight here.
“How did you do it?” Bryan finally asked. “How did you get the guts to try again with Stephanie?”
A flash of understanding crossed Tommy’s face. “Ahh, that’s tough. Is this about Jade?”
Bryan nodded.
“I’m not going to lie, Bryan, it was hard at first. I tried to protect myself from falling in love. You of all people know the burn of rejection.”
“You can say that again.”
Tommy chuckled. “But I’d changed. I’d grown into the man I was supposed to be, and Stephanie had changed, too. We talked with brutal honesty. That kind of honesty freed me.”
Bryan thought about his conversations with Jade, how he’d opened up about painful things and she hadn’t judged him. She’d also allowed him to speak frankly with her.
“It’s funny, but one of those early days when I’d just learned about Macy and had no intention of making a future with Stephanie, Claire said something that stuck with me.”
Bryan arched his eyebrows for him to continue.
“She said Aunt Sally told it to her.”
“Well,” Bryan said. “Are you going to tell me or not?”
“Let me ask you a question first. Do you believe you’re divinely guided?”
He thought of all his prayers, of going to church, of his Bible at home. “I guess. Depends on what you mean.”
Tommy raked his hand through his hair. “Do you believe life is a bunch of coincidences or not?”
“I’ve seen too much evidence in my own life that couldn’t be described as coincidences.”
“That’s what I thought, too. And Claire said, ‘You’ll always take the right turn in the road.’”
Bryan swung his legs over the side of the chair to face Tommy. “Abby was a wrong turn. A dead end.”
“I didn’t say everything will be perfect. We’ve got free will, man, and I know I’ve messed up a lot by ignoring my conscience.”
Bryan clenched his jaw. Tommy was right. No one had forced him to marry Abby. He could have worked harder at their marriage. Could have made reservations at those restaurants she liked so much. But he hadn’t. “I get what you’re saying, and I agree, but what about all the things beyond our control? The bad things like catastrophes and war and sickness?”
“Result of a sinful world. I’ve been reading the Bible every day for years. God spells it out that we’re going to have trouble in this life, but He overcame it for us. He works things out for our good.”
“All things? I don’t know. It’s hard to believe all things can turn out good.”
He shook his head. “I didn’t say He works things out to be good. He works them out for our good. Big difference.”
Bryan pondered the words. The most painful time in his life was the confusion he felt never being able to please Abby, and when she was unfaithful, confusion became devastation. But he hadn’t been walking a close path with God before the divorce. After? Church became more than a habit. It became a necessity.
God had used something terrible for Bryan’s good. His faith was stronger than it had ever been.
“You and Jade seem to have a lot in common.” Tommy leaned back in his chair. “She seems right for you. Don’t be afraid to take another chance.”
A chance. That’s what he thought he was doing when he applied for the job. “The interview is a week away.”
Tommy shrugged. “Don’t go.”
He made it sound easy. “What if I take a chance on Jade and lose?”
“At least you tried. What if you don’t tell her how you feel?”
“I move.”
“Sounds like losing to me.”
Seemed either way he’d lose. Unless... Bryan wouldn’t know for sure until he prayed about it.
* * *
“Yes, the store is doing well, Mom.” Jade wiped her forehead, desperate to end this conversation. All she wanted to do was climb into bed, although it wasn’t even dinnertime, and pretend things hadn’t changed between her and Bryan. Escape through sleep.
“Have you made any friends?” Her mother sounded concerned.
“Yes, I made friends.” She tried to keep exasperation out of her tone but failed. “Libby has been helping me with displays. And the Sheffields have gone out of their way to make me feel at home here.”
“Who are the Sheffields?”
Jade never shared much with her mom, and she didn’t want to discuss Bryan. This happy time in her life wouldn’t continue indefinitely. It had about a week left.
“I took some outdoor classes. Bryan’s my instructor. Libby’s his sister.”
“Oh.”
What did that oh mean? She hadn’t told Mom about the outdoor classes, either. “I never really got over my fear of the woods. When I moved here, I decided to give it another shot.”
“And the fear? Is it gone?” She could barely hear her mom’s quiet words.
“Yes. I actually hiked with Bryan last week.” Jade tightened her hold on the phone. Something inside her urged her to continue, to broach the subject neither talked about. “He helped me see my fear wasn’t merely about trees. I think I blamed myself for getting lost in Germany.”
Jade waited for Mom’s response. And waited.
A muffled sound came through. “I’ve asked myself so many times what kind of mother leaves a seven-year-old alone in a foreign country. You will never know how terrified I was while you were lost. We had search parties and police. I’ve never been fit to be a parent, Jade.”
Her chest tightened. “It’s in the past, Mom.”
“I know, but you wouldn’t look at me after they found you. You were in the officer’s arms, clinging to that dirty stuffed animal. You kept asking for Mimi. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t reach out and take you in my arms. The pregnancy was a mistake...”
Adrenaline shot through her veins. “Mom, I’m tired of hearing I was a mistake.”
“I never said you were a mistake.”
“Well, how else am I supposed to take it? You’ve said it over and over. I get it. You didn’t want me.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want you. I didn’t want children. Thought you’d interfere with my research.”
“Yes, nothing must interfere with your research.” Jade barked out a hollow laugh. “It’s fine. You got to research, and I got a grandmother who loved me. Mimi took good care of me. I loved her very much.” Jade swallowed the thickness in her throat. Her childhood had been happy with Mimi. Not perfect, but it wouldn’t have been perfect being raised by her parents, either.
Silence stretched.
“Mom, I wanted you. Not Mimi. You. But you refused. I’ve always wanted more from you than you’ve been willing to give.”
“I know.” Her mother sighed. “I...I do love you, Jade.”
She’d never heard those words from her mother. They would have meant more twenty years ago. She and Mom had been tiptoeing around the truth for a long time, and now that they’d addressed it, bitterness crept into her heart. She’d never allowed herself to be angry about her mom, just made excuses for her, told herself she wasn’t good enough, couldn’t live up to Mom’s expectations.
She’d always been good enough. And she didn’t want to close this cracked open door with her mother, but she wasn’t going to pretend everything was fine when it wasn’t, either.
“Mom, I’m hurt it’s taken twenty years for you to say those words, but I want you to know I love you, too.”
“I understand.”
“I want something real with you, but only if you can accept me for who I am, not who you want me to be.”
Her mother took a sharp breath. “You’ve accepted me, warts and all. I will try harder.”
“Thanks.”
They hung up, and Jade sank into her couch, clutching a furry throw pillow to her chest. What had just happened? Mom? Admitting responsibility for her disappearance? Telling her she loved her?
Why didn’t it matter as much as Jade had hoped it would?
Maybe because she had something bigger, something more than any person could give her. She had a Father she could confide in anytime, night or day. One who loved her. One who laid His life down for her.
She curled onto the couch, her mind swimming with the complications of the day. Mom.
Bryan. That kiss.
Her breathing came in quick gasps. Her hands felt clammy.
What on earth?
She wasn’t anywhere near the woods, so why was her body reacting this way?
God, I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. I want Bryan as more than a friend or boyfriend. I want forever.
Jade put her fingers to her lips. She didn’t know if she was a candidate for that kind of commitment. And she might not have the courage to find out.
* * *
Bryan whittled a stick in his backyard. Teeny lounged on the grass near his feet. As soon as he’d left Tommy’s, he’d gone out back and secured the dog to a long leash tied around a strong oak tree.
Jade’s words kept hitting Bryan in the gut. Why would she think she was his backup plan?
Because she kind of is.
He scraped his knife along the stick. Wood shavings piled on the ground.
Maybe he needed to analyze his options. On the one hand, Blue Mountain offered a change he thought he wanted. A new job doing something he liked, a fresh start in a breathtaking area of the world and a way out of the desperation he’d sunk into. Whenever he thought of the Canadian village, he wanted to explore the area, do something new. Blue Mountain would be filled with adventures, an outdoor life he would enjoy.
But on the other hand, Lake Endwell was home. He thrived on running his dealerships and the challenges they presented. He spent a lot of time with his family. Adored his niece. Even liked Teeny.
None of the above mattered all that much, though.
The real reason his stomach was churning and the stick was being whittled to a toothpick lived in a small apartment over the old record store.
He wanted Jade.
And he’d continuously put off the one thing necessary to move forward.
Prayer.
He wasn’t sure he was ready for God’s answer on this. What if God said no? But what if He gave him the go-ahead?
Both made his palms sweat. Risky.
Tommy was right about trying. It was better to try and fail than to not try at all.
He stabbed the stick into the ground and brought his hands together.
Lord, I humbly come before You today with a request. Make it clear to me what I should do. Do I tell her how I feel? Or follow through with my plans? Lead me to do Your will.
A trio of images rolled through his mind. Libby and Jake holding hands at the front of the church. Claire and Reed walking up the aisle. Tommy and Stephanie dancing with Macy at their reception.
Three weddings. Happy weddings.
He frowned. He’d been married, too. Didn’t mean the story ended in happiness.
Another picture flashed. Jade laughing in delight as she pointed at the dragonfly this afternoon.
Are You saying I can be happy, too?
Woof. Teeny wagged her tail. Looked like she was smiling.
Didn’t get clearer than that.
Jade was it. She was right for him. She was his definition of happiness.
Bryan jumped to his feet and began to pace.
How was he going to tell her? He needed to do it right. He’d messed up earlier with the kiss. This time he was planning his move. Writing down everything he needed to say.
He had to make her understand she was his first choice, that she was nobody’s backup plan.
His cell phone rang. “Hello?”
Dad barked, “It’s Sam. He’s been in an accident. Meet us at the hospital. They had to Life Flight him.”