| |
Layla bit back her tears and tried to numb herself the way she used to when she had Nia. She looked back at Jax and saw the look on his face. The devastation was so apparent. With a little smile at him, she closed the bathroom door and headed straight for the shower.
Only when she was standing under the spray did she let her tears fall and mix with the water.
He knew.
If she could feel the loss of their connection so acutely, Jax would have felt it, too. Their lovemaking was always more intense because they could share all their emotions through the bond.
But when she came apart in his arms, it had been just her.
Their bond was gone.
The man she loved with every fibre of her being was free to be with someone else.
She slid down to the shower basin and hugged her knees to try to comfort herself, but Jax was the apex predator, the Alpha King. She did not doubt that he would sense everything.
When the water started to cool, she forced herself to her feet and washed. When she stepped out, the tears stopped but her eyes were puffy and red. She wiped the steam off the mirror and took her time drying her hair, just in case Jax was waiting for her. From the moment she’d met Jackson, she’d always been able to sense when he was near, but she couldn’t tell if he was still in the bedroom.
She took a breath to steel herself. What hurt her the most was she was the cause of Nia’s demise. Losing her bond with Jax was her punishment for that grave sin. Even though she hadn’t known she was a half-blood until Jax brought her into his world, she’d never felt so incomplete. Empty. She was only half of herself—neither human nor wolf, as the Commander said.
She set the hair dryer aside and piled her hair up to keep it out of the way. Her eyes automatically searched for that spot that comforted her whenever she saw it in the mirror. Her hands paused in the middle of styling her hair, and her breath hitched.
It was gone.
The mark that showed everyone that she belonged to Jax—mind, body, and soul—completely vanished.
She dropped her hands, and her hair fell back, covering her neck. The tears started falling again. She’d lost Jax. She’d lost everything.
“Layla?”
She sniffed and wiped her tears.
“I’ll be right out,” she called out.
Her face was blotchy again so she washed it in the sink and grabbed another towel to dry herself. Her face still didn’t look right. Maybe it was her imagination, but her eyes looked plain green. Like a human’s.
She looked away before she broke down again and threw her used towels into the laundry basket. Jax was in his boxers and sitting on the edge of their bed when she walked out.
“All yours,” she said with a bright smile. “I’ll dress quickly and then make us something to eat.”
“Layla—”
“I won’t be long,” she cut in. “Maybe we can eat outside, so hurry up.”
She shut the dressing room door and blinked back her tears. Jax was going to want to talk. She could see the questions she wasn’t ready to answer in his eyes. He would know about her time in the Hunters’ base soon enough but losing Nia... She wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet.
She found a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and didn’t bother with shoes. The sooner she left the room, the better.
Jax was still on the bed when she rushed out of the room. She froze when she met his ice-blue gaze. She had seen a lot of expressions on his face during their time together, but she had never seen the one he had on now. He looked devastated. Lost. His mouth parted, and his chest rose and fell in shaky breaths.
If their bond was still intact, she would have felt a lot of pain.
“I thought you were going to shower,” she whispered.
“I can’t... How did you... How?”
She looked away from the pain in his eyes while contemplating his words. The only person who could have told her how was dead, and she wouldn’t have spared him just for that answer. Even if it meant Jax would walk out of her life without the bond.
“I’m hungry. Wash up and meet me downstairs,” she said instead of answering.
The hallway was just the same as she left it only a few days before, yet it felt completely different. Too wide. Too quiet. Too empty. She’d just walked past the Brit’s empty room when a thought struck her and made her blood run cold.
Everyone believed Brit would shift any day now. Once she returned, she would be stuck in training like everyone else. She didn’t have a chance to tell Jax everything before the Hunters took her. Without Nia, she wouldn’t be able to protect her sister.
And she wouldn’t be able to protect Hope, the future Queen.
Her heart hurt so much it felt like it was exploding.
The life she built for herself depended solely on the fact that she had a wolf and her bond with Jax. Without that, she had nothing. She had no one.
She brought her hand up to her chest when her heart started to pound. It felt like it would break out of her chest. What was she meant to do now? She couldn’t possibly leave Hope, but after coming face to face with Hunters, she knew she would never be able to protect her on her own. She couldn’t breathe. Her throat closed as a fear she had not known even in the cage welled inside her.
She could not raise Hope. Her baby. The child she had been dead set to take with her before Jax told her how he felt.
She could not be the mother the future Queen needed.
The sound of the door opening behind her brought her out of that devastating thought.
“Layla?”
She continued walking without looking back. By the time she reached the lobby, she somewhat composed herself. Now wasn’t the time to fall apart. That would bring attention that she didn’t need.
A few people were left in the packhouse and some in the tents that were still set up on the grounds, preparing for the others to return. They would need to make sure there was enough food and Diedre’s potions, as well as make sure they could rest comfortably enough to begin healing. She couldn’t add to that by breaking down in front of them.
In the kitchen, she took out the first things she put her hands on and only half paid attention when she made their breakfast. She had no idea if any of it tasted good when she pushed a trolley full of food and coffee out of the kitchen.
Jax was outside the dining room, probably because he sensed her coming. She avoided his gaze as she went past him and set the food on the table, and she still didn’t look at him when she started to push her food around her plate.
“I thought you were hungry,” Jax said.
“I ate some while I was making it. I guess I’m not as hungry as I thought,” she lied.
She bit her lip the moment the lie came out. Jax could sniff those out without trying, she shouldn’t have bothered.
“Do you want to take a walk in the woods? It’s a beautiful day,” Jax said.
Was it? The last she’d seen, storm clouds were rolling in. But she knew Jax just wanted some privacy so he could make her talk. She put her cutlery down and met his gaze. That look was still on his face. She owed him the truth so he could at least start processing things before everyone returned. He would come to the same conclusion.
Without the bond, his feelings would fade away. They were not tethered anymore. Maybe that was a blessing after how she almost got him killed.
She nodded and pushed her untouched breakfast away.
The air outside was fresh but she couldn’t pick out the scents. She couldn’t hear the grass rustling or the animals in the woods. It had taken her some time to control it, but it became part of her, as natural as breathing.
Jax stopped beside her at the top of the steps, his gaze burning through her, but she kept her eyes on the pack members walking around the front yard.
“Alpha, we’ve brought in everything and secured the tents,” a woman said as she walked up with some boxes. “I hope they make it back before the storm. It looks like a bad one.”
Jax nodded and then took her hand to lead her down the steps. The sparks were there, the tingles whenever he touched her. But she knew those were just because she was and probably always would be sexually attracted to him. But those sparks would probably die, too, with time.
He led her down to their favourite trail and didn’t stop until they reached the lookout spot. She sat down and looked over the forest. She couldn’t hear any of the dangerous things that roamed there and usually gave her comfort. And without her keen eyesight, it looked darker than usual and more terrifying.
“I was going to wait until you were ready, but I think you need to talk to me now,” Jax said as he looked over the forest, too. “I feel like I’m going crazy, imagining something that shouldn’t be possible.”
Because their bond was supposed to be unbreakable. Fate chose them for each other, and no one was supposed to be able to mess with that. But here they were.
“You’ll probably hear more from the others. I wasn’t there as long as they were,” she whispered.
She looked up at her mate and wondered if this was the last time she could sit next to him as his mate. Nia said she would always be the Queen, but after how hard she fought to make the pack accept her as a half-blood, she knew that was impossible.
“Cain shut himself off. I feel like he’s grieving,” Jax said. “Please talk to me, Layla. I can’t... I can’t reach you. I can’t feel you.”
She let out a breath and closed her eyes, but she couldn’t stop the tears that fell.
“My wolf’s name was Nia,” she whispered.
“Was?”
“She’s dead.”
Jax suddenly came off the rock and stood in front of her.
“How?”
She opened her eyes. She was right to assume that everything would change once she told him. She was responsible for the pain on the Alpha King’s face.
“The Hunters injected me with something,” she answered, looking away.
Jax turned and started walking back down the trail to the packhouse.
“What are you doing?”
“Chase looked through their stuff before they burnt it down. Maybe he saw something, an antidote or whatever research he used to make it.”
To bring something back from the dead? She didn’t think that was possible. And the Hunters didn’t seem like the type of people to have anything that would help wolves.
“I hope he finds something in case it happens again,” she whispered.
Jax stopped and turned around. Her chest was hurting again, he could probably feel it. Maybe he already reached that same conclusion.
“I have to go, Jax. I can’t stay here like this.”