Miss Fizzlewick flinched. “The correct greeting when meeting a lady for the first time is ‘how do you do?’ Now, are you bringing children, or looking to take one away?”
“Take one away, please,” answered Ebenezer.
The twitchy beginnings of a smile formed at the corner of Miss Fizzlewick’s lips. It had been several weeks since she had been able to get rid of a child.
“You should have said sooner. Come on through!” she said.
Miss Fizzlewick decided to show Ebenezer that she was now in a “friendly” mood by smiling at him. Her teeth were yellow and cracked, and her gums were an unhealthy shade of dark red.
“As you can see, I keep a firm watch over this place,” she said, as she led him into the building. “I believe it’s impossible to raise well-behaved boys and good little girls unless everything is kept clean and tidy.”
Ebenezer laughed, because he thought this was a joke. The orphanage was dusty, dirty, and littered with cobwebs.
“Is there something you find funny?” she asked.
“Um, no. I was just thinking about something I saw on TV the other day,” answered Ebenezer.
Miss Fizzlewick flinched again. She didn’t approve of modern technology. “Watching television is most ungentlemanly,” she said.
Miss Fizzlewick led Ebenezer into her office, which was guarded with a sign that read NO CHILDREN UNLESS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! The room was significantly less dirty, dusty, and cobwebby than the rest of the orphanage, and it was filled with all sorts of fabulous and beautiful things that weren’t on display anywhere else.
Miss Fizzlewick took a seat at her desk. It was hidden underneath a mountain of paper and teacups.
“I’m very organized,” she said with a serious face. Ebenezer didn’t laugh this time. “Would you like anything to drink?”
Ebenezer was thirsty, but he didn’t believe that anyone who was so unorganized would be able to make a good cup of tea.
“No, I’m fine, thanks,” answered Ebenezer.
“Good, good. Now let me just fill out the paperwork,” said Miss Fizzlewick. She fumbled around her desk before finally finding a blank form. “What’s your name?”
“Mr. Ebenezer Tweezer.”
“Do you live in the area?”
“Yes, a five-minute drive away. Three if I went fast.”
“Excellent. How old are you?”
“511, but on Saturday I’ll be 512.”
Miss Fizzlewick looked up from the form, baffled by Ebenezer. She brushed some gray curls away from her ears and asked Ebenezer to repeat his answer.
“Thirty,” said Ebenezer. “Yep, that’s what I meant to say. I’m thirty years old. Gosh, I’m so young.”
“Well, if you don’t mind me saying, I think you look even younger than that, Mr. Tweezer. You don’t look a day older than twenty,” said Miss Fizzlewick, with a toady smile.
Ebenezer always felt a rush of pride when he heard this, in spite of the fact that he had been paid the compliment several times.
“Anyway, let’s get on with the important business,” continued Miss Fizzlewick. “What type of child are you looking for?”
“I’m not fussy,” said Ebenezer. “Just give me the cheapest one you have.”
“The cheapest?”
“Yes, please. But if the cheapest is total rubbish, then I’m willing to pay more.”
“Mr. Tweezer, do you know how an orphanage works?” asked Miss Fizzlewick with a suspicious frown. “You do know that you don’t have to buy the children? We give them to you for free!”
Ebenezer thought this was a very odd way to run a business. Perhaps if Miss Fizzlewick charged for the children, then she might have enough money to afford a prettier building. However, he wasn’t going to complain.
“Marvelous,” said Ebenezer. “So what happens next?”
“Well, now you meet the children. I’ll line some of them up outside my office so that you can interview them, one at a time. How old would you like the child to be?”
“I don’t mind,” said Ebenezer.
“How about shoe size? A lot of people are favoring children with a size four shoe these days.”
“I don’t mind,” said Ebenezer.
“Mr. Tweezer, you must have some idea of what you’re looking for. You must know whether you want a boy or a girl?”
“I really don’t mind,” said Ebenezer impatiently. All he could think about was getting the potion as quickly as possible. “Honestly, any child will do.”
Miss Fizzlewick wished that Ebenezer had at least one opinion on the matter. It would have made the business of getting rid of a child a lot easier.
“Right then,” said Miss Fizzlewick. “I guess that you’re going to have to meet all of the children. I hope you don’t have any plans for the rest of the morning.”
Miss Fizzlewick went to fetch the children, all twenty-seven of them. She lined them up outside her office, while Ebenezer tapped his fingers impatiently on the desk.
“Here’s the first one. Her name’s Amy Clue, and she’s just joined us. Come on in, Amy, and for goodness’ sake, don’t be shy. It’s very annoying,” said Miss Fizzlewick.
Amy was a shy little girl, and her shyness wasn’t helped by adults telling her not to be shy. She was no older than three and not much taller than a tennis racket. She poked her head nervously around the door and looked at Ebenezer.
“How do you do?” said Ebenezer. He offered Amy a hand to shake.
After much nagging, Miss Fizzlewick dragged Amy into the room. She hugged a battered pink teddy bear in one hand and waved shyly to Ebenezer with the other.
Amy was too small to reach the chair, so Miss Fizzlewick lifted her up and let her stand on the desk. Amy smiled at Ebenezer, while Miss Fizzlewick wiped her hand on her trousers to get rid of any germs she might have picked up.
“Ewoh!” said Amy.
“I beg your pardon?” said Ebenezer.
“Ewoh!” said Amy, waving again. “Ewoh! Ewoh! Ewoh!”
Ebenezer was unsure about how he was meant to respond.
“I’m afraid she’s rather behind on her elocution lessons,” said Miss Fizzlewick, sighing impatiently. “She’s trying to say ‘hello,’ AREN’T YOU, AMY, MY DEAR?”
“Oh, I see,” said Ebenezer, wincing at the volume. “Ewoh to you too, Amy. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Well, well, well, what do you think about the weather today? Hasn’t it been miserable?”
“Eh?” asked Amy.
Miss Fizzlewick explained that Amy was still learning to speak, and that she didn’t know what words like “weather” and “miserable” meant. Miss Fizzlewick told Ebenezer that he should stick to simple, toddler-friendly topics.
“Ah. Quite right.” said Ebenezer.
He didn’t spend much time speaking with toddlers and he found it tricky to think of what to say, but then he hit upon the brilliant idea of talking to Amy about her teddy bear.
“What’s his name then?” he asked, pointing at the teddy.
“ ’S not a boy!” Amy laughed so hard, she looked like she might fall off the table. “ ’S a girl, an’ is named Miss Lillipie.”
“Miss Lillipie, eh? What a fun name. Good morning, Miss Lillipie, how do you do?” asked Ebenezer, offering another handshake, but this time to the teddy bear.
Amy found this funny. The desk wobbled, as she let out a roar of laughter.
“E’s funny!” said Amy, pointing at Ebenezer. “I like him.”
Ebenezer liked Amy as well. She wasn’t going to win any conversation prizes, and she needed to work on her annoying laugh, but aside from that, she was very cute.
“Mr. Tweezer, what do you think? Would you like to take Amy home with you today?” asked Miss Fizzlewick, as she rubbed her bony hands together.
“Yes,” said Ebenezer. “Yes, I would.”
Amy squealed with delight and started dancing round the table with Miss Lillipie. Miss Fizzlewick shrieked with joy, and her twitchy smile broke out into a triumphant, yellow-toothed grin.
Ebenezer was happy as well, and he thought it would be good fun to have Amy around the house—it would certainly be more enjoyable talking to her than the beast.
Ebenezer gasped, as he thought about the beast. For a moment, he had forgotten why he had come to the orphanage in the first place. He wasn’t here to find a child he liked; he was here to choose a meal for his master.
“Wait, no!” blurted Ebenezer. “No, no, no—I can’t take Amy! She’s not what I want!”
Amy stopped dancing around the table with Miss Lillipie. She stopped squealing with delight and started crying instead. She lifted her arms for someone to cuddle.
Miss Fizzlewick huffed impatiently, dumped Amy on the floor, and ordered her to stop sniveling and sobbing all over the place. Ebenezer looked at his watch, wondering how long it was going to take. He was already a bit bored with spending time in the orphanage.
“Perhaps the next one will be more your cup of tea,” said Miss Fizzlewick, as Amy left the room.”
The next one was a tall, polite boy named Geoffrey. His parents had drowned in a lake two years previously, and he had been trying to honor their memory by being as good a boy as possible ever since.
As he came into the office, he lingered in front of a fabulous, glittering snow globe, featuring a ballerina dancing in the street.
“Miss Fizzlewick, is that my mother’s snow globe?” he asked.
“Never mind that, it’s perfectly safe here. Besides, it’s most ungentlemanly to ask a lady about her private property.”
“Sorry, Miss Fizzlewick—it won’t happen again.”
Ebenezer could already tell that Geoffrey was far too nice to feed to the beast.
“Next!” shouted Ebenezer, while Geoffrey was in the middle of introducing himself. “I don’t want this one either.”
Geoffrey was dragged outside by Miss Fizzlewick. Ebenezer got through another ten children within the space of twenty minutes. All the ones he saw were far too pleasant. He had no idea that it would be so tricky to find a bad child.
“I thought you weren’t fussy,” snapped Miss Fizzlewick. “I thought you said that any child would do.”
“Yes, sorry for the delay,” said Ebenezer. “But I need to be absolutely sure I get the right one.”
Miss Fizzlewick was growing impatient with Ebenezer. There was a certain frostiness in her voice as she introduced the next child. “This one is called Harold Chicken. Hopefully he’ll be more your cup of tea.”
Ebenezer could tell almost immediately that Harold Chicken was not going to be his cup of tea. For one thing, he was too smartly dressed to be bad, and for another he was smiling with too much kindness.
Ebenezer was about to shout “Next!” when he heard a scuffle taking place outside the office. Geoffrey was screaming, “Help! Help!” and a girl was shouting, “Shut up, you little rat!”
Ebenezer leaped off his chair and joined Miss Fizzlewick to see what was happening. Geoffrey was pinned on the floor by the small, bony girl from the bird shop. The girl was shoving worms up his nostrils, and she was shouting, “Rat! Rat!” at him.
“Stop that at once, Bethany!” screeched Miss Fizzlewick.
Bethany sulked as she removed her worms and fingers from Geoffrey’s nostrils. Miss Fizzlewick turned to Ebenezer.
“I’m sorry you had to see that, Mr. Tweezer,” she said. “I should have left Bethany in her room.”
“No need to say sorry,” said Ebenezer, with a wide smile on his face. “After all, I should be saying thank you. I think you have just helped me find the child who I want to take home.”