ELIZABETH WAS PLEASED TO LEAVE the chaos of the Accident and Emergency department behind. The bed they found for Tom was on the chest ward, and despite the sound of coughing that resonated down the corridor, the place was altogether a relief. Only then did Elizabeth allow herself to think of the previous days at home, the difficulties they had faced in the simple effort of existence. How many dirtied clothes had she washed when Tom had failed to get to the toilet in time, and how few hours had she really slept for the fear? Fear of what? Losing him? It didn’t do to say it, not even let herself think it, but that was how bad his chest had sounded to her over the last forty-eight hours. Being on the ward, at least she felt as if she was no longer fighting alone.
The relatives’ room offered some calm as she waited with Alice while the nurses checked him in. They didn’t speak, instead passed the time following along with the morning’s television, which was already playing when they first opened the door. Brian was there by then, sitting with his arm across Alice’s shoulders, stroking gently at the side of her neck. His eyes looked tired, swollen with tears, a strange comfort for Elizabeth from a smart-looking stranger. After a while he offered to get them a cup of coffee, and Alice said she wanted one too, which served as a decent enough excuse for her to follow him out of the room. It was a welcome respite, Elizabeth realized once she had a moment to herself. Reaching into her bag, she pulled out her phone and typed a message as Kate had taught her.
I’m not sure if you received my messages the other day, but I would really love it if we could talk. It’s important. Love you, Mum xx
In a second bag on the floor she saw folded clothes, pajamas, and a wash bag. When night settled, she would have to leave him here, return to that house. Had she spent her last night with him? It was hard not to cave into the Murphy’s Law of thinking; they had hardly fulfilled any of their wishes. They had so many things left undone. Tears filled her eyes. There hadn’t been enough nights together yet. But there never could have been, she realized. Not anymore.
A moment later a nurse with a kind smile popped her head round the door. “He’s all settled now. Want to sit with him?”
Her feet clip-clopped down the corridor until she reached his bed space, found him wearing a pair of hospital pajamas that seemed to make him look even more unwell than he had when they’d arrived. His left eye still seemed droopy, but there was a softness to his features that elicited some relief for Elizabeth. He didn’t look to be in pain as he was before.
“Is he asleep?”
“No,” the nurse said, giving Elizabeth a quick rub on the arm. “But we gave him some painkillers, and they seem to have taken effect. You take a seat just there. The doctor will be along soon.”
Tom was resting in one of the six beds that made up the communal bay, and considerable noise rattled from one wall to the next, like wasps trapped in a jar, unable to escape. Yet the environment was remarkably reassuring after a few days alone at home.
“I’ll just be glad when the doctor arrives, eh, love,” Elizabeth said to Tom. Some of the wishes were still in her pocket. One she knew was from 1988; he wished he could take her up a mountain. Well, they were certainly climbing their own mountain now. Although he didn’t respond to what she said, she continued with the charade of conversation. “And when they get the CT done. The nurse in A and E said it might be later this afternoon.”
“I doubt that,” Alice said as she arrived in the bay, drawing back the curtains. “You know what the waiting lists are like.”
“People don’t wait if it’s urgent. Not even in the NHS.” There was a certain relief to see Alice nodding, as if she had decided to agree. “Where’s Brian gone?”
“He’ll be back in a while.” That was all she said about that, and Elizabeth didn’t ask again.
* * *
The doctor’s name turned out to be Dr. Nathan Peterson, and he was South African. Did he have people he missed, Elizabeth wondered, all that distance from home? Tom slept throughout the consultation, but Elizabeth felt a lot better for the doctor’s input, and even Alice seemed more settled by the time he had finished.
“So, we’ve added a steroid tablet, which will help with his coordination, and I’ll be in a little bit later as well to see how you’re all doing,” Dr. Peterson said. Alice stood up, shook his hand. “Until then, if there’s anything you need, the nurses will have it covered for you.”
“Thank you, Nathan. Thank you so much,” Alice said. Elizabeth was a little worried that Alice had called him by his first name. It felt a bit familiar to her, but he didn’t seem concerned. Time had changed more than just their appearances. Alice sat back down, smiling to herself. “I can’t believe that the CT scan has been pushed ahead of the list.”
“Yes,” she said, smiling the best smile she could muster.
“At least now we’ll know the full picture,” Alice said, seemingly pleased.
For days now, all Elizabeth could think about was knowing: first of all, knowing that it was really cancer, and then how far it had spread, or whether the type of cancer he had was amenable to chemotherapy. That was the predicament they were in. They were hoping for the right kind of cancer. But there was one thing worse than the disease itself, and that was how fast it might take him from her. How long did they have left? It had become a thought she couldn’t shake.
Dreams remained unfulfilled: a walk out to the shops, or through Hyde Park. More of his wishes that were yet to be realized. Time was the only thing that might bring Kate and Tom together, and how was it possible for it to run out before the two people she loved most in the world had met? And yet all those hopes seemed like such empty wishes now. It didn’t matter what the doctors told her about the prognosis. Not really. Her dreams were fading, whether she liked it or not, slipping through her grip like water through fingers. Tom was right after all; dreams were for rich people, and she had never felt poorer in her life.