Lucidity hovered on the edges.
Vaguely, I felt my body land in dirt, skidding several paces through rocks and soil. Pain ricocheted through my exhausted muscles, but it kept me from letting go entirely.
With all my tenacity, I held onto consciousness, attempting to wrestle it back to my mind through sheer force. My head bobbed on my neck, lolling to the side. I screamed in my mind, unable to make my brain work as I struggled to gain my bearings.
Merrick! I wanted to scream. Merrick!
Fingers dug into the earth, aching beneath the nail beds. The pain zipped through me in a reminder.
I arched my back, forced my sluggish eyelids open. Blackness attempted to drag me under, but I fought. With all my power, I attempted to open my eyes, to right my head.
Fuzzy darkness.
I blinked once.
Twice.
Three times.
From the edges out, the picture began to clarify. I threw an arm across my chest to build momentum. My body rolled with it, pushing me onto my side. Dull, painful heartbeats reverberated through my chest, my temples, as I shoved myself upright to my hands, then on to my knees.
Vines reached beneath my arms, gently pulling me higher. I stumbled on barely-working feet, but pressed on. The darkness ebbed out of my vision, clarifying a dark night. Tontes had left. No sign of him remained.
“Merrick? Merrick!”
Burning wood filled my nostrils. Singed hair, the smell of charred skin, and death. With a sob, I rushed across the sodden ground. Mud caked my toes, my legs as I fell. The vines tightened, holding me in the air before I smacked my face on a rock.
A body lay on the ground, thrown back. Limp. Scorched black. Smoke rose from the destroyed half-armor.
I sobbed, threw myself across the space. Letum Wood bore me the rest of the way, until I landed on my knees on the soft earth.
“Merrick!”
I reared back with a gasp.
Not Merrick.
Matthais.
Shock rendered me incapable of movement for several long moments. A black, charred area covered Matthais’ chest. The leather of his remaining half-armor smoldered. Fire chewed away at the pieces, crumbling it to ash. The metal had melted from the blast, fused to his body. His neck, blackened, was limp, his face turned away.
Slack.
A sob broke free.
“Matthais!”
A moan drew my attention. I whirled around. Merrick lay sprawled outside the blackened circle, on his side. With a cry, I hurried over, dropped to my knees. Tears blurred my eyes, so thick I couldn’t see.
My palm pressed his face.
“Hey.”
His green eyes opened onto mine.
“B?”
“Are you all right? You’re alive?”
“Fine. I . . . Matthais.” He choked, shoved back to his knees. “Matthais pushed me. Where is he? I—”
I put a hand on his shoulder to slow him down.
“Merrick, stop.”
He ignored me, back on his feet now. Dazed, he blinked. For a moment he tottered, woozy. I straightened up next to him. Finally, his gaze stopped on Matthais’ body. His tortured expression went slack. Helpless, I could only watch through hot tears.
Silence reigned in the forest. The questions cleared from his eyes. A gradual dawning registered on his face, his features, until he understood what I couldn’t say. His lips pressed, nostrils flared.
“The gods,” he whispered.
When a tear dropped down his filthy cheek, a fisted hand covered his heart.
“My brother.”
Papa leaned over Matthais, closed his half-open eyes. Rognvald dropped to a knee on Matthais’ left, his bushy beard matted with blood, half-armor nearly torn off. Chi materialized from the darkness next to Rognvald, a slight witch with wiry arms and a bald head.
“Brother,” each of them whispered.
A tear dropped from Papa’s cheek and onto Matthais. Regina stepped up to Papa’s side as he crouched. Her hand went to his shoulder, squeezed.
Papa stood. He went willingly into her arms, clutching her in tight fists. He shook. Regina closed her eyes. Tears trickled down her cheeks as she whispered something, fingers in his hair.
I turned away, because now I understood. Papa had who he needed. Regina could hold him through this—walk him through the darkness—in ways that I never could. In ways that Mama couldn’t have either.
In a strange sense, Regina completed Papa. Seeing them together helped me comprehend what Papa couldn’t say all along.
Regina fit.
Merrick startled when I reached up, cradled his cheek in my hand. Wretchedness filled his watery eyes. He blinked, and a tear dropped.
“B . . .”
“He saved you, Merrick. Saved Alkarra. We will never forget.”
Gradually, the horror faded from his expression. He nodded once, jaw tight. I curled my fingers in his hair, then let my hand drop. Rognvald shuffled back, sat on a fallen tree with a staggering shock. Chi disappeared.
Merrick’s hand found my shoulder, squeezed. He pulled me close. “B,” he murmured against my hair. “I love you.”
I curled up against him and wept. For the forest, for the Guardians, for the Protectors. Vines wound through the air, spiraling around my ankles, my wrists. A soothing balm whispered through me, releasing the pain. Peace flowed down my body in languid, ready torrents.
I cried for Matthais.
For Alkarra.
* * *
Hours later, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
I sat against the Wall, in the lower Bailey and stared at my cup of tea as it trembled. Waves rippled from the outside in, never calm. Always agitated. A reflection of my mind.
A clear sky unfurled overhead with littering stars and swoops of fresh air. The damp humidity of the last several days cleared away, swept out with a soft breeze. Across my shoulders lay a heavy blanket.
Guardians groaned from litters in front of me. Some called out, others snored, drugged by sleeping potions. Near me, injured Guardians that could walk sat against the wall, waiting for their turn with an exhausted Apothecary.
I shouldn’t be here. Not here. I could just as easily go to Scarlett’s office. The Gatehouse. Grandfather’s apartment. Anywhere but this spot. Certainly not home because my cottage didn’t exist.
There was no home.
Tears welled up in my eyes, dropped down my cheeks. In vain, I cast a spell to stop my hands from shaking, but nothing happened. My magic had depleted. Not even a trickle left. Everything felt hollow.
Spent.
Gone.
Matthais’s blank face, lost in death, intruded on my thoughts. I welcomed it, my heart an empty pit inside. Papa would be looking for me by now. At least an hour had passed since I made an excuse to find some water and left. Merrick would be searching for me, too, once he returned from checking on his family. Scarlett. Leda. Nicholas. So many witches would want to speak with me about the battle.
I couldn’t face them.
Not any of them.
Not yet.
Tears dribbled down my cheeks. I told myself to set the tea aside, but my hands didn’t listen. Just quaked in my lap, as if detached from my mind. Who had even brought me the cup? I couldn’t remember . . .
A body lowered to the bench next to me. The heavy arm around my shoulder pulled me close, tucked me into their side. A sob broke free as Grandfather’s comforting scent wrapped me in safety.
“Cry, my girl,” he murmured. “Sometimes, it’s the only release we have.”
Relief came.
Shuddering, deep sobs flowed free. Grandfather took the tea cup, set it aside. He stood, guiding me elsewhere. I followed blindly, too wrapped in the quaking emotions to stop him. The torchlight from the Bailey faded as he tucked us into an alcove and embraced me.
I cried into his chest until all the emotions swept away. The expense left me wrung out. Ragged. Empty in a way I’d never felt before. All the hollow spots that were once vibrant trees ached now. The rampant destruction. My lost home.
The narrow odds.
For minutes, Grandfather held me close. When the shuddering cries slowed, he squeezed my shoulder. I peered up at him through burning eyes.
“Grandfather, I . . .”
He put a palm on my tear-stained cheek. “I know.”
Tears blurred the comforting vision of him. He did know. He knew everything I couldn’t wrap in words. I didn’t understand how, but felt as if he saw me perfectly, even when I didn’t. He wiped the tears free with a gentle thumb.
“What do you need?”
“Quiet.”
“Food? Water?”
I nodded.
“Come to my apartment,” he murmured. “I’ll keep everyone else at bay until you can replenish yourself, though I can’t promise anything about Leda.”
I snorted. “Good luck trying.”
“My home is yours.”
Relieved, I leaned into him again. He held me tight, a broken whisper on his lips.
“I love you, Bianca. I’m so glad to hold you alive in my arm again.”