Step 1

Walking The Walk

Why Is It So Hard To Approach Women?

 

I’ve spoken with all kinds of women the world over, from the weak and weary, loud and lairy, hot and hairy, and believe you me, when it comes to the women of Britain, every last one of them agrees on one thing, they’re not getting hit on. Or if they are, it’s by the WRONG kind of guy: the players, the cocky twats, the all-sizzle-no-steak guys we don’t take seriously. It’s not by the quality blokes. It’s not by the keepers. It’s not by YOU! And that my friend, is the reason they’re single.

But it’s not the only reason. Britain has a singles phenomenon on its hands and it’s easy to see why. Men are expected to make all the moves but they’re not. That’s because women aren’t giving out the green light signals. As a result blokes are dazed and confused and rooted to the spot. We’re at a stalemate. Everyone’s lost the plot and it’s all based on a big, fat misunderstanding because women, bless them, have a knack of looking terrifically sassy on the surface, but burrow down a little, and they’re wobblier than Nigella Lawon’s sherry trifle when it comes to this love stuff.

Is it just a storm in a British teacup? Hell no! It’s a key theme. I see it firsthand every Friday night. That’s because I have a job where I pilot a gaggle of girls out on a flirting foray across Central London. The Flirt Schmooze & Shimmy is a lot of things, but mainly it’s a booze fuelled laugh. Women of all ages come along to build up their confidence and get out of their comfort zone. We visit bars and clubs, from the super swanky to the downright cheesy and the girls do challenges to help get them over the hump.

Over the years I’ve seen all types of girls, and experienced every possible scenario. I’ve witnessed plenty of psycho-sexual victories and just as many car-crashes. I’ve seen the effects of the leg-quivering fear of rejection, and the heart wrenching criticism that these flirty and feisty girls unfurl on themselves. I’ve been there at the front-line, watching all the action. So don’t tell me it’s tough out there, I bloody well know it is!

Week in, week out I hear the same things over and over again. And frankly it’s stuff you should know; stuff you need to know. Moreover since you’re probably not privy to this kind of thing, I’m sharing it here. Am I talking out of school? Maybe. But tough! ‘Cos I’m on your side.1

The biggest challenge for women in the dating arena is that they lack both the confidence and the skills to let on that they fancy you. It’s not that they don’t want to flirt. Hell no. Half the time they don’t even know how to flirt! It’s not their fault. It’s just not their thing. Just because they’re women doesn’t mean it comes naturally.

There are a million and one reasons why – psychological, physiological and traditional, but drill down and in all likelihood it’s simply because they’ve not grown up in touchy-feely, lovey-dovey households where everyone went around having soppy group hugs. As a nation it’s just not something we do. The harsh British climate doesn’t help either. It’s not like boys and girls grew up flirting and frolicking half naked on the beach as the hormonally charged teen spirit kicked in. Instead everyone was huddled around the telly keeping a stiff upper lip. This is not a criticism, nor it is it a personal weakness, it’s a British thing. And according to the ladies I coach, it can make things tricky if you’re looking to meet someone.

What Single Women Are REALLY Saying…

 

“I am the world’s most impossible flirt! I cannot flirt to save myself. If I like a guy I ignore him! I need to make the right kind of connection but I don’t know how.”

Katy 26

 

“I’m in my mid-twenties and can’t flirt to save my life. I am quite sarcastic, wouldn’t dare chat up a man, and men hardly approach me, because I’m unapproachable. Don’t get me wrong, I am friendly, outgoing and funny ‘supposedly”

Jo 29

 

“I don’t know how to flirt for fear of coming across either arrogant or ridiculous”

Caitlin 32

 

“I’m a confident, independent, happy singleton... who just can’t seem to flirt!”

Shana 34

 

“I don’t know why but I ALWAYS say the wrong things...”

Alex 39

 

“I cannot even look someone in the eye! Help!”

Jackie 36

 

“I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to flirting....I completely ignore the blokes I like!”

Jody 27

 

“I have absolutely no idea of flirting and am seriously in need of finding out about it.”

Becca 31

 

“Am hopeless at pulling men (walking past the ones I fancy a hundred times & looking at them when they are not looking at me as heaven forbid I should make eye contact!)”

Lisa 29

 

On top of dealing with their own shortcoming and insecurities, women are also saying that blokes need to make more of an effort – they need to “hit on us more”. But for the most part, it’s not happening. It’s not the done thing. And I for one am not surprised. Nobody in this country makes eye-contact or heaven forbid speak to a stranger, let alone asks anyone on a date! Well OK, that’s not true everywhere, particularly not up North where people literally fall over themselves to be friendly, but certainly if you live in big old busy London then hello – tough city!

A friend explained it thus:

 

“Look, if someone’s sat alone in a café, that makes it easier to approach; but if you’re at a bar or a pub, women don’t sit alone; so if I’m in a bar and I see a hot girl sat over there with her mates, I’m not going to go over and start chatting. It’s not going to happen. It feels too weird. I’m putting myself on the line. If it doesn’t go well, I’ve got to live with that.”

 

OK, point taken, but if that’s your take on it, then Houston, we’ve got a problem. Hear me out here…by not going out on a limb to meet new people you’re effectively eliminating a massive portion of the population. And once you do away with meeting new women ‘cold’ – how on earth are you meant to you meet them? Oh sure you might stumble across them through friends of friends, or in the workplace, but that comes with its own set of complications – you know what they say, don’t screw the crew!

The trick when it comes to topping up your social circle is to widen your options, take the risks and increase your chances. Remember what my good friend’s Uncle Tony said: “It’s a numbers game.” You’ve got to fight for your right to party – or at the very least, think more broadly.

Let’s get to the guts of the matter, why is it so damn hard to approach women? Is it because they struggle to show their availability? And if so why? Is it because it makes them feel ‘desperate’ so they come across as cool, or some might say haughty, acting like they don’t have to lift a goddam finger. And if that is indeed the case, then of course you’re not going to make any moves because you are not getting the signals. It’s the classic Catch 22, Action-Reaction scenario. We’ve got all the gear, but no idea!

Simply put, British women, well most women for that matter, are caught in a historical time-warp when it comes to all things romance. They may command equality in the boardroom, the bedroom and in the financial stakes, but put them in front of a cute guy and they would rather eat their own wedding finger than show they fancy you, or, heaven forbid, make the first move.

Then big question is: “How are you supposed to tell if she fancies you?” In a perfect world the answer would be simple. She does that thing girls do…She grins at you and does the touchy-feelies: a light pat here, a playful pinch there. She looks into your eyes and flicks her hair; she touches your arm, your shoulder, your thigh…She smothers you in big boozy hugs and flashes her knickers and knockers. Why, she practically straddles you. Except that she doesn’t.

OF COURSE she doesn’t!

What The Fudge? Why Not?

 

Because in Britain the vast majority of women do not flirt like sex-crazed demons. English women may be good at a lot of things, but overt flirting is not one of them. They pull a blank when it comes to, you know, signalling their availability. We’re talking the basics: smiling, eye-contact – anything to let on that they fancy you! It’s the story of great British misadventure. What can I say?

The other worrying thing is that even if she flirted with you like mad, most of you wouldn’t recognise a green light signal if it jumped up and hit you on the nose. Admit it!! And that oversight can cost you dearly. One of my girlfriends put into plain words the reason she gave up on the guy she was flirting with: “He kept looking over, but he wouldn’t do anything about it.” Case in point! But don’t feel bad about it. It’s no-one’s fault. We may be a lot of things; but a nation of flirts we are not. Frankly we’re more interested in other things. Beer and pizza comes to mind.

Of course it would be easier if the ladies were to make themselves more visibly available for dating. But how could they do that? By wearing Hi-Vis jackets in lime and orange stripes? Assuming they don’t fancy that idea, what else can they do? Oh wait, here’s an idea, they could be all flirty and dish out all the obvious signs, that way you’ll know they’re keen and you’ll be able to make a move with complete confidence. What a great idea ‘eh? Yes and you’ll be waiting for hell to freeze over before it happens.

I’m not saying that British women are prudes, far from it. Once they get warmed up, they’re absolutely fine. Especially when they’re out on the town and they’re completely bongoed. The problem is their tendency to clam up and turn to jelly when they spot someone they sodding well fancy.

But believe you me, if I could change one thing; it would be to wave my magic wand and Abracadabra…All the Single Ladies… all the single ladies/Would put their hands up…put your hands up! They’d be all flirty and perky, and a wee bit dirty and they’d swish their hair and do all those girly things that even YOU recognise as flirting, if for no other reason than you’ve seen it done to perfection from the floozies in the movies. You would respond by striding boldly over, dipping your cap and saying, “Why m’lady, your delicious brazenness makes me blush!” Then you pin her arms to her side and kiss her – long, hard kisses.

Because whether you’re a down-to-earth guy, a shy guy, a geekie guy, or a larger than life guy – there’s some sweet, gorgeous girl out there that would like to get to know you…but first she’s got meet you! Someone’s got to make a move – and that someone is you. And until you get that into your thick skull, then gentlemen of Great Britain – we have a problem!

So how did things get to this point and how can we change them?

Well for starters next time you’re out having a pint and you notice an all-smiling-all-flirting female, you’ve simply got to take action and make a move. So if you look over yonder and lock eyes and your heart starts hammering and you think she’s flirting with you, you’ve got to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Picture this:

 

• You spot her. She smiles and makes eyes at you.

• You argue furiously with yourself.

• Is she flirting? No surely she’s not flirting.

• Oh yes she is. She’s flirting!

• You wander over to introduce yourself and say something funny.

• She laughs so hard that everyone in the bar looks and stares.

• She cocks her head and looks up at you hopefully.

• You draw her towards you and kiss her cheek and then step away.

• She pulls you back and looks you dead in the eye.

• She’s not nervous or giggly or fidgety – she just wants you to kiss her damn it!

• And there you are – half naked in a strange woman’s flat.

Shazam!

Of course this will never happen if you’re too scared to make a move, or too cool for school. It’s only the very brave who get the girl. And once you’re in with a chance, you’ve got to have your wits about you. Rather than freezing on the spot, you’ve got to figure out how to cop off with her – and that takes practice!

So if you’re a guy who doesn’t necessarily think your god’s gift, but thinks you’re, you know, alright; and you’re not necessarily looking for Miss World but you’re looking for a great girl, someone funny, sweet and quirky with all the trimmings and special features, along with a heartfelt experience that will right the wrongs of the human race and place the axis of the world back on its rightful axis, then we need to get this party started! And that means:

 

You need to lose the heebie-jeebies

 

• In order to lose the heebie-jeebies, you need to go out and practice.

• In order to practice, you need to lose your fear of rejection.

• In order to lose your fear of rejection, you need to low-risk situations.

• NOT high-risk situations with the love of your life!

• Then approach confidently, without any tricks or gimmicks.

 

Thought For The Day: You may completely miss that she’s flirting with you but from HER point of view, she’s R-E-A-L-L-Y putting it out there. Why she’s being so brazen she could bust. Even Blind Freddy can see what’s going on! But, you’re not Blind Freddy – you’re just a dumb guy, no offense – and you don’t get it. And fair enough, because if she were any more subtle, she would have her head up her own…oh never mind!

Some Background About Our Dating Culture…

 

You could say the British dating model is pretty casual, and you would be right. Everything happens by chance. Our idea of a good time is to go out for a drink with friends and meet a friend of a friend, preferably someone we fancy. We have a laugh and a drink and a few more drinks; share a drunken kiss, grab a kebab and go home and shag. We wake up in the morning and say: ‘Erm, this is a bit awkward.’ And then we carry on.

In other words we don’t live in a flirting culture, unlike say New York. A place where the gung-ho take-no-prisoners approach to dating explodes in a relentless, riotous frenzy of flirting – and much more. The advantage is that we don’t get dragged down in the rigorous rituals and frankly mind bogglingly complicated multi-dating concepts of our US counterparts. Nor do English lads have the cocky jock-schlock of the US dudes who exude outrageous swagger and confidence; or for that matter the Italians who have a tendency to overdo the charm to the point of being utterly laughable. And we’re certainly not like the French – but they’re overrated anyway. Oui!

The Brits are an entity unto their own when it comes to personal expression, utterly charming and sometimes rather naughty but not naughty enough. Well the saying ‘No sex please we’re British’ had to come from somewhere didn’t it? It’s no secret that the Brits are polite and reserved – lovely on a good day and ever so passively aggravating on a bad day. So we like waiting in queues – hey, nothing wrong with that!

When it comes to the women, rather than taunting and flaunting her sexuality and playing with your mind, body and soul, your British beauty is likely to make her feelings about as clear as ah, mud. Unlike other nationalities who at the risk of disposable stereotyping, will let you know exactly where you stand. Picture those red-hot Spanish babes and the Italian firecrackers, and of course the sexy Scandinavians, and at a pinch the Antipodeans. And who could forget the jaw-dropping eroticism of Eastern European and Oriental women and the bolshy New Yawk gals? When these ladies flirt with you, you’ll know about it all right.

But when it comes to your English lass, it’s slightly more pedestrian. Of course there are always exceptions but generally speaking, she’s likely to smile a bit, fidget and maybe play with her hair. She might even puff her chest out and bat her eyes at you, and if you’re very lucky, remove a speck of fluff from halfway up your bare arm. From there, you’re supposed to gauge that she’s hot for you. Tricky business when you don’t have a clue what’s going on! Not that it’s your fault mind; it’s just that she’s in the midst of a nervous breakdown.

Thanks to paranoia to the left of her and insecurities to the right along with the all-consuming-terror of coming across as DESPERATE, she reins it in and tones it down to the point that – blink and you miss it. Fine for her, she’s just preserving her dignity. Not so good for you unless you have titanic-bionic superpowers. Otherwise you’ll never get that she fancies you in a million years.

Don’t get me wrong, women don’t play-hard-to-get intentionally and they don’t do it to be difficult. They do it because, just like you, they are utterly, painfully, gobsmackingly terrified of rejection. Even if she’s bubbling over with more attitude than J-Lo’s butt on the surface, underneath, she feels sillier than Alice in Blunderland: shy, scared and psychotic.

 

Fun Fact: Our ability to flirt has a lot to do with our culture. I’m from Australia – an extremely flirt friendly place, partly due to the warm environment and the sunny disposition of the Aussies. Whenever I visit my hometown of Sydney I’m struck by how crazy it is down there on Oxford St on a Saturday night. Everyone’s freakishly tall, tanned, toned with dresses up to here and shoes this high. And that’s just the blokes! But I’ll tell you one thing they know how to flirt. They will check you out and give you the once over and remind you that you’re a woman. Who cares if they’re trannies! Hey we take our flirting where we can get it!

 

You’re Not The Messiah, Just A Very Naughty Boy

 

Getting across that you fancy someone is a two way street. The key thing is to learn how to read the signals and watch like a hawk. Then you need to send a few of your own which can be easier said than done, since within the world of Internationally Recognised Flirting Gestures, women have around 556 ways to show their attraction.

Men have about 3!

 

So you could say that women have the upper hand when it comes to signalling their interest – if they choose to that is. From their ability to drop sex bombs via lustful bedroom eyes and sexy hip-thrusts, to the touch-feelies, they’ve got the power to flirt up a storm. Yet they hold back. With the end result that both sexes fail to connect when it comes to transmitting sensory messages via the erotic system of sign language. What is it that makes us so hopeless?

Here’s how it currently looks:

 

1. Boy spots Girl

2. Girl declines to send the signals, or ‘drop her White Hanky’ as it were

3. Boy fails to approach because there’s no signal – no Green Light

4. Boy and Girl miss out on the Love Of Their Life because they’re both too stubborn, or too scared, to do anything about it

 So much for the Happy Ending!

 

Bottom line, if you don’t approach her, it’s never going to happen!

This is terrible!

And it’s the reason I embarked on this project.

It Started As A Social Experiment…

 

I wanted to know who the most confident and authentic men were. I wanted to know how they did it. I wanted to understand the issues when it comes to approaching women. I needed to know, so I could compile this, The Flirter’s Guide to Great Britain and pass it on to the rest of you. I lured a bunch of chaps to the pub with the promise of a boozy night and free beers. After ordering the first round and unearthing a shared obsession with runaway sex, I started firing off questions:

 

“What’s hard about approaching women?”

“We can’t find any decent girls to approach.” Said one fellow.

“We can’t find any girl, let alone a decent girl!” Moaned another!

“They only see me as a friend!” Groaned the rest.

“They just make rules up and don’t tell us why,” One shrugged.

“How many new women are you meeting weekly - not from your immediate friend or work circle?” I asked.

“None!” Came the overriding answer.

“Less than one!” said another.

 

Hmmmm...Well let me ask YOU: when was the last time you took a chance on having a random chat to someone you fancied? Have you tried a cold approach recently – or ever? Shame on you if you haven’t, Gah! Fury!

This is the part where there are no excuses; you just have to be bold. Banish the idea that women don’t like being approached. They don’t mind being approached, so long as you’re not a complete twat about it. The most important thing is how you approach. Make or break it – it’s up to you. You’ll be in with a chance if your approach is light, breezy – and not even remotely sleazy. Getting past hello is the hard part, but once you’re over the hump it’s easy. The only challenge is to have a laugh and not come on too strong. At the end of the day girls are just like you; they beat themselves up and feel nervous about everything from how to keep the banter going to how they look.

Word of warning: if you do make an approach, and the minx in question responds by, miracle of miracles, making her availability clear by dishing out the looks and hooks – and you want to end this night acting out things you’ve seen in porn movies – then you need to respond in a likeminded fashion. Fight flirt with flirt! Otherwise she will retreat back into her shell and that will be that. All ze sexy pozzibiliteez dead in ze water. So be very clear about one thing – snooze, you lose Mister.

Bottom line: Once you get the Green Light, move quickly!

As hard as it is, and as odd as it feels know that you have to make an effort. That’s your role as a modern day super trooper. You have an important part to play in all this and you can’t put it in the too hard basket. It takes two to tango and your role is vital. Don’t underestimate it.

 

The Bloke Quote

 

Author and general man-about-town Toby Young has this to say about the wiles of the Englishwoman:

“Judging by her body language, she was unmistakably British. She gave me an apologetic look as if to say I know this is awkward but what can I do? English women, they may not be celebrated for their innate sexual sense of style as French women are, but there is something deeply attractive about their natural diffidence. Evelyn Waugh said that charm is a quality that doesn’t exist outside the British Isles’ and that’s particularly true of our women. the famous pin up girls of the 1950s and 60s Monroe, Bardot, Loren – all have an in your face raunchiness that isn’t nearly as appealing as the quiet sex appeal of Sylvia Syms. Like her, Caroline had the knack of turning her embarrassment into a form of flirtation. A uniquely British trick. Here confidence and sense of self was all the more attractive for being understated.”

–The Times. May 2011.

Real Men Do Flirt!

 

The goal here is to be bombastically successful with women – hot women, cool women and everything in-between. In order to be bombastically successful with women, you need to meet vast numbers of them, and you need to date. In order to date, you need to flirt. Most men don’t rate flirting. They think it’s a girl’s game. Yet, the guy who flirts – is the guy who gets the girl.

Let the flirting begin.

If you want to morph into the Jedi Master of Flirting and show her what you’re made of, you need to be on her wavelength. That means not revealing any stress or visible signs of distress: no lip-licking, sweating, heavy breathing or shaky hands. No rapid blinking, unseemly fidgeting or tensed shoulders. And don’t overdo it – she doesn’t want the Ringmaster of Cringe. She’s looking for the C word: a man who’s Confident.

There are three main components that make up this crazy little thing called flirting: Body Language. Eye Contact and Banter. Link them together with the Dating ABC’s: Approachable. Bulletproof. Confident and you’ve got yourself a foolproof recipe for success. Make it your business to include these in your everyday life, and you will be unstoppable. Unstoppable I tell you.

Happily there are no hard and fast rules, in spite of what the textbooks say. So long as you’re confident that you’re broadcasting your message as clearly as possible, nature will do the rest and you’ll be hooked, and hooked up, in no time at all. From here on in you can forget about being the worst single man in Britain, because the only question on everyone’s lips will be, “How can such a catch be single?”

 

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE PLEASE LADIES!

 

Even if you are the world’s most Unflirtwithable Man, think of it this way, flirting is a reminder you that you’ve got charm and you know how to use it. When used well, it’s natural and playful – sleaze and cheese this is not. Nor is it a billion testosterone fuelled techniques – it’s just being yourself. So I won’t be asking you to pretend to be someone you’re not anytime soon, but, I will be asking you to turn up the volume on your own personal style and make it flip right off the page.

The bonus with flirting is that it can’t be one-sided. Well actually it can, but it’s a bitch to keep flirting when you’re doing it on your lonesome. If your playmate’s not flirting back, you’ll know about it soon enough and then, it’s simply a matter of stepping away from the lady. It’s no biggy. It’s a learning curve. And in the process you may step on a few toes, but so what? You’ll become more skilled over time. Soon you will possess the ability to mesmerise, sexualise and hold anyone completely in your power. And even if you do stumble, who cares? Just get back out there and give it another go.

And that’s pretty much the language of the true flirt. At the end of the day, it’s a game, and it’s meant to be fun. Think lusty body contact with a playful push and pull of limber limbs, shameless grins, wandering thighs and lingering eyes. It’s powerful but understated, sexual but sensual, saucy but sultry. Got that?

 

Fun Fact No 1: Women who are approached confidently and treated with courtesy and respect are more likely to have a drink with you, go out with you – and bring you breakfast in bed.

Fun Fact No 2: I’ve got the best boyfriend in Britain. The other one’s in Australia. Kidding!

Internationally Recognized Flirting Gestures

 

Now that you’ve acknowledged that English women give off smoke-signals, rather than, you know, proper Green Light signals, you need to figure a way to work around it.

 

30-Second Guide: There’s a cute girl at the bar and she’s looking right at you. You think to yourself, “What the devil? Girls never look at me! I must have a big green jellyfish on my face!

But there’s no denying that she’s glancing over your way. And then, just as quickly, she looks away.

But…wait! She looks over again.

Right now part of you is screaming: “But that never happens!”, while failing to take into account that it never happens because you never pay attention! Once you take off your blinkers, it will start happening all the time. It’s up to you to be prepared so that when it happens, you act on it!

You catch her mid-flight. But bewilderingly, stubbornly, nervously you refuse to meet her gaze – instead, you look the other way!

In her mind it’s all gone pear-shaped.

“He saw me!” she stage-whispers to her friend.

But the truth is, you have no idea what’s going on (well you are a guy and all). You look behind you, next to you and over your shoulder. You wonder who she was looking at. And then the penny drops!

She was looking at YOU.

You didn’t look back at her because you didn’t twig. Meanwhile all hell broke loose.

“He KNOWS I fancy him” She hisses to her friend as she flounces out throwing you a dirty look. “Screw him!”

As far as she’s concerned, you had your chance, and you blew it buddy!

And you missed the whole thing which is a real shame because it’s Game Over.

That’s if she’s a Shy Flirt. But even if she is an accomplished flirt, and she really makes a play for you, half the time you still don’t get it!

So, why is it so hard to get across that we like you?

It’s like I said earlier, most of you wouldn’t know a flirting gesture if it leapt up and thumped you on the nose! And who knows why! Maybe you’re shy or paralysed by fear; or you’re overly concerned with how you’re coming across and therefore ridiculously self-conscious. As such you’re at a loss for what to say or what to do.

Added to that, you’re probably not paying enough attention, or the right sort of attention. You’re too busy focusing on what you’ll say next, so you can be cleverer and more hilarious than us.

Sound familiar?

If so, you need to adjust your attitude, because as of now, it’s all about her!

You need to step up to the plate. You need to watch, listen and pay attention. If you so much as get a whiff that someone is giving you a sign, however subtle, then it’s your job to volley it back.

It’s called ‘Transmitting.’ She sends. You receive. Get it?

 

Flirt Watchdog: You’re out, you’re flirting and you’re fabulous.

Once you spot this luminous lady, it’s Lights, Camera, Action!

 

You brush her arm with every hilarious punch-line

Make unwavering eye-contact

Respond with emphatic nods and smiles

Move in closer with every sentence and smile

 

But, wait a minute: Are you paying attention to the signals she’s sending back? Because even if she’s not an explosion of big hair, shiny lips and swinging hips, BUT she’s playing with her hair and batting her eyes and being a bit fidgety, then she’s doing her best dammit, to get the message across – and you’ve got to act on that! Because if you make the No 1 rookie mistake of missing the signals, then you’re only having half the fun – and, you’re only doing half the job!

Or maybe you’re just like three quarters of the British male population, who according to UK research, have no idea when women are flirting with them.

 

Fact Check

 

In a study carried out by psychologist Professor Richard Wiseman in 2009, British blokes were scientifically revealed to be the least romantic on the planet. *Gasp!*

According to the National Statistics 2010 Census report, their were18.5 million single adults – nearly 1/3 of the population!

As well as being the divorce capital of the world, Britain also has the greatest number of adulterers (just thought you might like to know that).

We also have the fastest rising number of STD’s!

Body Language Maths

 

Body language is what Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger has in spades when she slithers onto our TV screens all limbs, legs and lusciousness. It’s an intricate network of non-verbal messages that we send via our physical mannerisms – either consciously or subconsciously. It’s talking without words. Or in this case, flirting without words.

Experts say that between seventy to ninety percent of all human communication comes from body language. When we meet someone for the first time, we form an opinion based on how they present ourselves, the way they stand and sit and hurl themselves about. It’s the same when we go on dates, which is why they can be so nerve-wracking. Just the thought of being assessed by someone you barely know is enough to get you breaking out into a sweat isn’t it? That’s why it pays to know the basics.

Did you know for instance that crossing your arms can make you look defensive and aggressive? “Yes” you sigh. “We learnt that before we were toilet trained.” OK fine, smarty-pants. Well what about the girl with a curl who twirls and swirls and smiles coquettishly. What’s she saying? The correct answer is of course You. Me. How ‘bout it!’

Having control of your body language might not lead directly to the love of your life necessarily, but if all you have to do to improve your chances is be more aware of it, it can’t hurt can it? Especially when a hot babe appears on your radar. It’s moments like these that you need to focus on the vibe – what’s going down? Is she giving you sly little hints by:

 

· Flicking her hair

· Fidgeting with her necklace

· Doing the touchy-feelies – a playful pat here, a fun punch there

· Drawing attention to her most bootylicious body parts

· Giving you lots of cheeky little glances

 

This might be the Diet Coke talking, but if she is doing any or all of the above, there’s a good chance she’s trying to tell you something. If that’s the case, she’s waiting for YOU to make a move. The minute you get the ball, you need to lob it back in a heartbeat. From there, it’s simply a game of ‘mirroring’. Or, as I like to think of it…monkey see…monkey do.

Mirroring is a technique used in most social situations, equally suitable for job interviews or first dates. It’s what you do to put someone at ease. So if you’re sat with someone and they are very poised and still, then in theory, your body language would pick up on that and reflect it. Likewise if someone is super animated and gesticulating madly, then you would adopt a similar energy – or not.

Bear with me here... because while mirroring works on a subconscious level, there are many instances where if you over think it, or take it too literally, you will overdo it and end up looking plain silly. For instance if you’re a calm, cool, collected type, you’re not going to throw yourself around in a frenzied whirl of body language just because you’re chatting with someone who’s like that – that would just look weird right? It has to be subtle with the end result being that by picking up on someone’s basic mannerisms, you’re showing you’re on their wavelength which is great – so long as you’re mindful that it’s all about balance.

You may have heard the expression, ‘Invading his/her body space’. This refers to an invisible force field we have around ourselves to protect from unwanted physical intimacy. Typically if an acquaintance or a stranger moves within that barrier, we flinch and retreat by shuffling backwards. Rule of thumb, if you lean in even just a fraction closer than what is culturally acceptable; you’re likely to make someone feel uncomfortable. Of course that all changes within a romantic setting where a case of leaning in nice and close is enough to give the game away.

The knack of reading body language starts with self-awareness. You’d be amazed by how much you can convey, or reveal by what your body says, but you need to know what you’re doing. Here in Britain it’s not like in other parts of the world, say some European cities for instance, where men are exceptionally comfortable when it comes to the touchy-feely stuff. Especially in Italy, where it’s not always, ahem, appreciated. I think a certain Mr Berlusconi might know a thing or two about that! Likewise in Spain where the men are also incredibly tactile and happy to express their affection with a variety of playful gestures – getting my nose tugged was one I experienced with alarming regularity (I bet if someone in London tried that, we’d flatten them!). Another Spanish gesture is to put your hands to the side of your head to indicate that it’s time to go to bed and sleep – or otherwise. Hmmm...very playful and, or suggestive.

 

Technical Term Of The Day: Metronomic

 

Your personal body language has the power to make someone gravitate towards, or away, from you. Look out for the gestures that people use to make a really strong point. Or where they’re trying to tell you something. Get the hang of it by familiarising yourself with traditional defiant and passionate and angry gestures. Study couples the next time you’re out people watching and see who’s holding the power card. Better still watch the televised replay of Rupert Murdoch as he was interrogated by British Parliament – he didn’t say a lot, but boy his metronomic gesturing said plenty!

 

· Slap your hand down

· Drum your fingers across the table

· Beat your brow

· Point your finger

· Clap your hands together triumphantly

· Punch your fist into the air

 

Are You Flirting Back?

 

It may well be that you’re good at initiating contact and setting up a date, but what happens then? Do you literally crumble and fall when it comes to the actual tic-tacs of what to do? Especially if she’s coming across as miracle of miracles – a wee bit flirty. And how do you know if she’s flirting just for you, or if she does it with everyone she meets? What are you meant to do? Do you flirt back? If so, how much is too much? If she does the touchy-feelies, should you do the same, or is that just lame?

These are the common quandaries which millions of you have gone nearly mental trying to figure out. Of course there are no black and white answers, suffice it to say, the best thing is to familiarise yourself with the signals. That means learning through trial and error. That way you’ll get a feel for what’s really going down.

And who ever knows the exact moment of when to push forward and pull back; or when you’re being too cool, or coming across as too keen. The best defence is to trust your gut instinct and rely on common sense. It’s like I said at the beginning, you will screw up at some point, that’s a given, but you can’t let that stop you from trying. You know what they say, no guts, no glory. And really, so what if you screw up. What’s the worst thing that can happen? On the bright side, you’ll be better positioned for next time. The trick is to have a handle on the main components so you know what you’re looking out for. A key component of which is – eye-contact.

 

Eye-Contact

 

If you want to seduce anyone, the first thing you need is seriously good eye-contact, otherwise you can forget all about making a good impression. And since we do not typically make excessive direct eye-contact in our day-to-day, it can make you feel self-conscious, especially if you fancy someone. Sod’s Law! If you’ve ever travelled on the tube in London, then you know what I’m talking about – what a shocker! But that’s different to a social situation when you’re out and about hoping to meet someone, because in that situation, if you can’t look someone dead in the eye, they’re likely to jump to all the wrong conclusions and think that you’re all shifty like.

But, and here’s the thing, if you can look at her, really look at her – and resist the urge to look over her shoulder, at your feet, or longingly at her bazookas, you’ve got a good shot of making her feel special, and that’s half the battle won. Likewise if you stumble across a lone lady sitting in a cafe sipping a Crappucino and reading ‘Lonely Planet Guide to Greece’, and you make some good eye-contact along with a killer opening line: “I’ve always found the Time Out City Guides more reliable” then you will have kick-started things very nicely indeed.

 

Her Point Of View

 

And don’t think it’s just the men who struggle. I coach loads of women who find it just as tough when it comes to eye-contact – especially with those they fancy. It’s awful too, because if someone’s shy and awkward and finds it impossible to make good eye-contact, precisely because they fancy you, then clearly you can’t depend on eye-contact as an accurate gauge. You can only use it as a guideline. So, if some fanceable woman is studiously avoiding your gaze, rather than assuming you’ve got no chance, you could give her the benefit of the doubt and look for other signs of what’s really going on. This should help you figure out whether she’s acting that way because she feels shy, or she really doesn’t fancy you.

A Step-by-Step Guide To Making Your Intentions Known

 

Glance over her way – up to three times or more

Hold her eye-contact when you first meet, especially potent if you do it whilst shaking her hand. ‘Phwoar!’ She’ll be thinking.

Now look at her; really LOOK at her. Take in the colour of her eyes, the size of the pupil, the length of the lashes, the shape of the brow...all of it.

Pay attention to her eye-contact. Is she holding your gaze? Or giving you one of those soft, gooey looks? Or is she looking over your shoulder – everywhere except at you?

If you like what you see, and you want to let her know, let your gaze drop to her lips – she’ll soon know what’s on your mind!

 

When Someone Avoids Your Gaze

 

Gaze Aversion is what happens when someone refuses to meet your eyes. It could be for one of two reasons: either they really don’t like you, or they don’t trust you. Or, it’s the complete opposite and they want to bonk your brains out! For that reason they can’t risk looking at you – for fear of a heart attack!

If that happens, you need to look for other signals to back up one theory or the other. Use your instinct here. If you’re sensing anger or defensiveness, then that’s not a very convincing case of someone being head-over-heels in lust with you is it? If on the other hand you sense something warm and heartfelt, then you’re on the right street. Take the time to figure out what’s going on to avoid one or both of you missing out on something potentially amazing.

How Much Eye-Contact Is She Giving You?

 

Blow You Out Of Your Sox Flirting Tip #1

 

She gives you the Peek-a-Boo Gaze, either face-to-face or from a distance. She instinctively knows the power behind the tantalizing effect of being “peeped-at”.

Top Tip: She keeps her lips pursed and her head tilted ever so slightly when she smiles. She lowers her eyes and then looks upward, hitting you with the full force of her oh-so seductive gaze. Think a coquettish Princess Di. Move in quickly when she does this!

 

Blow You Out Of Your Sox Flirting Tip #2

 

Eyebrow bobbing: She raises one or two brows with a slash of oo-er naughtiness thrown in, followed by a rapid lowering to the normal position. This is most effective combined with a smile and strong eye contact. It indicates a cheeky and often suggestive message in the vein of national treasure Barbara Windsor Carry On film. To best demonstrate is Ms Angelina Jolie – high priestess of the brow flash. Top Tip: Used in conjunction with the Peek-a-Book Gaze described above.

Paying Attention: You use every bit of willpower you have to ignore the over inflated Pammy Anderson look-alike over in the corner. It’s tricky though, in fact this mission is impossible! But keep the focus. You’re keeping your eye on the big prize!

 

What Else Should You Look Out For?

 

Glancing: She flashes a series of short darting glances which usually occur in sets of 3 for around 3-5 seconds long. The secret is to let you catch her looking and then to do it again. ‘Cheeky wench!’ you think!

Secret gazing: She looks at you and lets her eyes focus – like seeing you for the first time.

 

Where to look when she flaunts a cleavage like the Grand Canyon

If a woman in your radar is spilling out of her little black dress with a top cut so low that displays all of her show stopping chesticles like the most delectable dish on the buffet table, then, by all means have a sneaky peek, but do you mind not making it a full on ogle? It doesn’t matter how low the top, or how sumptuous the bosom, it just not gentlemanly to stare. And stare. And stare. Particularly if you like this woman and you’re hoping for more than a dirty one-nighter. Of course, if that’s all you’re after, and you have no regards for the woman’s feelings or future happiness, then you’re reading the wrong book

 

Top Tip: Experts say that people look to the left if they are telling the truth. If the eyes look up and to the right, it is said that these are thoughts that are constructed – in other words a lie. Hmmmmm….interesting!

Riddle: What Is Flirting?

 

A. Body Language?

B. Eye Contact?

C. Something one only does when one is absolutely stonkered?

D.  

Answer: A. B & C!

 

Flirting is what we do when we’re feeling playful and mischievous and we want to let someone know we think they’re fun.

Flirting is NOT when we say:

“Come back to mine. There’ll be no fooling around. Just full sex.”

Hugh Grant, Bridget Jones

What Signals Should You Be On The Look-Out For?

 

Sexual attraction is about transmitting signals with strong body language and direct eye-contact. What is she saying and is her message clear and direct? Or has it become muddled through the puddle of sexual politics? Whether it’s the way she lowers her voice, the curve of her smile, the tilt of her adorable head – she’s transmitting a direct message. The key is to maintain an eagle eye, but also to be patient. It may take a little while before you’re good enough to decipher the code, especially when you’re busy beaming out your own lusty message, but soon it will feel like the most natural thing in the word. It would be a crime to let all that sexually charged power go to waste!

Once upon a time three of the hottest actors in the world got together and have been known as Charlie’s Angels ever since: Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu are famous for their killer bodies and their miles and miles of cheeky smiles. But how do you know if a smile is genuine? You need to watch closely next time you saunter over to say, “Alright Gels?”

 

A Good Flirt Knows How to Frame Her Best Assets

 

· The Cheeky Smile

· Does her smile reach all the way to her eyes?

 

If it only stretches to the corners of her mouth, then she is not having a great time – however much she is playing the part.

Is she is smiling in a mysterious and secretive way?

A way that makes it clear that she is aware of, and very much in favour of, the sexual tension going on here?

Well c’mon – that’s a sign!

Mind your manners: A smile is not an invitation to harass!

Handnique: Think belly-dancing. Think sex. Think Shakira!

A good flirt knows only too well that graceful hand movements can be mesmerizing, not to mention highly erotic. We all know a good set of hands can do marvellous things…Hmmm? Does she drum her fingers lightly on the table bringing attention to sculpted hands and delicate wrists? Does she flaunt them lavishly when she’s in full storytelling mode, letting her beautifully manicured nails dance as melodiously as if she were playing the piano? Look for the giveaways that she’s interested in showing you more…

Head & Shoulders

She plays with a necklace that settles tantalisingly in her décolleté

She poses at her best angle, tilts her head and showcases her profile

She cups her chin in her hands and frames her face in a classic Audrey Hepburn pose

Leg-nique

Think Naomi Campbell (when she’s not throwing telephones)

She rests her hands under her upper legs when she sits down

She slides her foot in and out of a backless shoe

She entwines her shapely legs, displaying her taut calves

 

Giveaways That Tell You She’s TROUBLE

 

She’s wearing a t-shirt that says: ‘GOLD DIGGA!’

She comes on way too strong

She’s flirting with you, but is shagging your best mate

30 Second Guide To…Object Focused Actions

 

This is as cheesy as you like so go ahead and laugh readers but, you know all that stuff you hear about girls stroking the phallic stem of their wine glass and sucking on their Bacardi Breezer bottle like there’s no tomorrow to give you a glimpse of what’s on their mind, well it’s true! Didn’t you see Madonna famously fellate the water bottle in that scene from In Bed With Madonna?

If you’ve been paying attention in the movies you would have noticed how the femme fatales touch themselves in those erogenous spots they might like to be touched. A hand on the hips, the lips, the t*** – you get the picture. Not that they do it intentionally mind, it happens on a subconscious level. Watch closely and see if you can spot the way women manipulate phallic symbols. If you find a whole host torpedoing your way anytime soon, then you know she is flirting with you. Oh yes she is!!

 

What Does It Mean If You Have ‘Closed Body Language’?

 

‘Closed’ body language generally means you’re not using your body to express yourself clearly. ‘Open’ body language means you’re using all available limbs and body parts to express yourself and show that you’re having fun – that’s flirting!

Guys often ask how they are supposed to pull these moves out of the bag if it’s not their thing. And I get that. Especially if you’ve grown up in a household where emotions were not freely displayed and there was no affection thrown around. Of course it can be tricky to snap your fingers and transform into that person. But, there are ways to improve and if you feel like something out of the Thunderbirds – you need to do something radical to loosen up. In Step 4 we talk about ways to ‘unblock.’

 

Standing Still

 

They say that those with the most power move around the least, and say the least – that’s because they’ve got confidence in truckloads and don’t feel they need to prove anything. Having said that, those who are keen on someone but as still and as lifeless as a plank, will inevitably come across as a plank. Besides how can you tell if someone’s got the hots for you if they’re not larking about, or making a massive effort to be funny and cute? If you opt to stand dead still, barely responding to anything she says or does, she’s likely to get the hump because it seems like you could give a rat’s about her. But if that’s not the case and you genuinely want to keep her around, you need to be more animated.

Rule of thumb: Don’t over gesticulate. Don’t under gesticulate.

There are no foolproof rules at work here and nothing is set in stone. A lot of what we say and do is instinctual; it’s just a matter of becoming attuned to that process. If it gets to the point where you’re not hanging on to her every word, or even pretending to be enthralled by her goddess like presence, she will get the feeling that you’re just not that into her. That’s because she’s sensitive and she doubts herself. She also comes with every insecurity in the book.

Try leaning your body around to face hers and form a little a semi-circle which acts as a barrier to the rest of the world; a space where it’s just you and her. Put the spotlight on her and make her feel like the Queen of freakin’ Sheba. Do it because you can. Do it because she’ll feel amazing. Do it, because, it might just change your life!

Scoreboard

 

If you get any of the following signals on high rotation you’re in with a good chance. Is she:

 

· Smiling: a wide, open mouthed toothy smile

· Sitting up straight where everything appears firmer and tauter

· Rocking back and forth towards you – targeting you fair and square

· Gazing into your eyes with a lazy, half smile

· Twirling her hair around while holding your eye-contact

· Initiating a fun game of “touchy-feelies”

· Watching every little thing you do

· Flipping, flicking and tossing her hair

· Playing with accessories: jewellery, trinkets and necklace

· Posing, preening and pouting

· Licking her lips

· Drawing attention to off limits body parts

· Positioning her hands around the pelvic/hip area

· Leaning in towards you

· Tilting her neck and head

· Directing eye contact to take in both your eyes and lips

· Raising both brows (in the manner of the Carry On films)

· Dishing out all the subtle – and not so subtle – gestures

· Touching your arm, your hand, your leg!

· Wearing her ‘I’m up for it’ T-shirt

 

Listen up! Does She:

· Lower her voice to create a low, sexy vibe only you can hear?

· Lean in and whispers, brushing your arm before pulling away?

· Let out a long, deep sigh?

· Make a purring sound?

· Raise or lower the volume of her voice to match yours?

Spot The Flirt

 

Whilst I’m out on the job in London’s cafes and bars, I have the opportunity to observe – OK – eavesdrop on every kind of scenario imaginable. Over coffee at Costa one morning, I found myself deeply absorbed in the following.

It was clear from the outset that this 20-something couple were just friends but they had loads of chemistry and boy, was I in for a treat. The girl entertained her friend by telling him how she was – wait for it – naked in the hostel dorm room when this guy, a mutual friend of theirs, burst in. She’d just got out of the shower. She took off the towel. She was applying body moisturiser…the door opened... and on and on and on. It sounded like an erotic scene from an X-Rated film! The guy, bless his cotton socks, was quiet, just listening and grinning and taking it all in as you do, looking a little flushed here and there. Afterwards she toddled off to the ladies. He got out his iPhone and called his mate. “I don’t know what to do” he said, “She is so f****** hot, but she only likes me as a friend.”

And there I was listening away, all the while thinking, ‘Get with the program dude!’ If any woman gives you that amount of detail about her nekkid or semi-nekkid state, then I’m sorry, but she is putting that picture in your mind for a reason. Read between the lines already!! My good golly gosh, a more masterful example of flirting I have never seen.

Another morning, I watched as a totally gorgeous English girl had coffee with a really cute English guy who was clearly besotted by her. As they chatted, she leaned over and lifted his wrist to look more closely at a tattoo on his inner forearm. Then she launched into a sweet little story about the time she had her nipple pierced! I watched for his reaction. Smooth as could be, he told her he had a pierced nipple also. He asked if she had any tattoos. She said she did, but she’d show him later.

Round of applause please!

Listen out for clues to see if she’s flirting. Does she mention:

Her boob slippage

Her concern with a too small skirt

That some other guy is hot for her

Something, anything, to do with being in bed, alone, naked

Ditto the shower

She’s playing with you dude!

 

What’s The Difference Between A Flirt And A Monster Prick Tease?

 

Hmmm, I was wondering when you’d ask. As we’ve already established, it can be hard finding a girl who’s prepared to drop her defences and wear her heart on her sleeve. But there’s the other end of the spectrum as well. So, let’s talk about different kinds of flirts because, fun fact, there are loads!

First up there’s the slutty flirt – no doubt you would have come across her late one night in some seedy club. Then there’s the social-flirt, she just wants to be loved by everyone. There’s the do-anything to get-ahead-flirt, the man-eating flirt, the revenge flirt, the power flirt, the manipulative flirt and of course, drum roll please…the PRICK TEASE. And while this may not be the girl you choose to take home to meet your mum, it pays to be aware because…

You know her. She’s the one who uses everything she’s got. She’s not necessarily the best looking, but she knows how to work it. She flirts outrageously and gets off on making you believe that you’ve got a chance. The problem is she doesn’t necessarily fancy you; she just wants top up her ego. She wants to win! She’ll lead you right up the garden-path and then drop you cold. How can you avoid her? You can’t. She’s out there. And she will find you.

What Signals Is SHE On The Look Out For?

 

Since a big part of what we communicate is via our body language, you need to know what she’s looking for. Assuming she’s flirting, in her own subtle (read invisible) way, then you need to be dishing out the moves that she recognises as flirting. I know this may not necessarily sit well with you, but work with me here! She doesn’t expect you to be the complete Casanova, but, she does expect a response.

Initially you would respond by demonstrating the classic “I’m into you” full frontal moves. Just don’t get carried away. Start by twisting your torso around so you are facing her. Point your feet towards her – and look at her, really look at her. This is the way that hi-camp touchy-feely men communicate with women. You just have to look at Russell Brand (who clearly isn’t gay, but is very in touch with his feminine side). He uses it as his Secret Weapon to ingratiate himself to women.

For the record, I feel it is the ladies place to take the lead in the touchy-feelies. In other words, if there’s any touching to be done, she should be the one to initiate it. Having said that, I know of many men who swear by giving her a pat on the arm or the shoulder on the basis that it breaks down defences and reinforces feelings of trust and familiarity. If it comes naturally and you think you’re smooth enough to pull it off – and charm us half to death in the process – then go for it. It’s not pretty. It’s not subtle, but it’s definitely flirting! Other ways to let her know you’re keen are quite simply...

 

· The twinkle in your eye

· The way you angle yourself towards her

· Your hands on your hips

· A raised eye-brow

· A cheeky grin followed by a wink

 

She’ll know she’s in with a chance if you do any of the following:

· Belly goes in and the shoulders go back as you stride across the room.

· You angle your body so you’re facing her full frontal

· You’re up for a dance

· Your mate simply vanishes

· You say you’re going to the toilet – and you come back

· You initiate a full body bear-hug when she says goodbye

 

Likewise if you use any of these Key Indicators:

· Make the initial approach

· Invade her personal space

· Hold extended eye-contact

· Stroke her hair

· Play with her accessories

· Mimic her body movements

· Isolate yourself from your friends

· Walk by and look back over your shoulder

· Do show and tell with your tattoo

· Lean over and touch her tattoo

· Play the touchy-feelies with her hand, her wrist – her whatever!

· Use the furry warmth of your hand to wipe the raindrop from her face

 

Or Use Any Of The Following Giveaways….

 

· Lip licking: We tend to unconsciously draw attention to our mouth if we’re physically attracted to someone – especially if we’re thinking about what we might like to do a little later. It might be a single lip-lick, wetting the lip, or running the tongue around the entire lip.

· Hair flipping: Or the male equivalent. Push your fingers through your hair, stroke your beard, or play with your ‘tache. Your fidgeting suggests you’ve got the heebie-jeebies bad.

· Half smiling: Shoot her a knowing half-smile with clear and direct eye contact. A strong hint that you’re in lust with her.

· Whispering: Lean over and speak softly into her ear and create a secret, intimate world just for the two of you. Mmmmm.

· Primping, preening or peacocking: Smooth down your clothing even if it doesn’t need any adjusting. You want to look your best for her.

· Shirt sleeve hiking: The top of your shirt sleeve rides up to expose a little more of that strong, muscular forearm. What a show off!

· Show her the goods: Put your hands on your hips, or in your belt loops to accentuate your, erm, nether regions. You cannot keep still!

· Object caressing: Manhandle your keys, play with your lighter or anything you can wrap your mitts around - in lieu of her.

· Leg opener: Open those legs even wider. Phwoar.

· Posturing: The way you’re sitting and standing becomes more er, erect. Say no more.

· A pat on the hand: known as a Nappy Pat, may come across as condescending and completely non-sexual

 

And, only if you can get away with it, the OTT stuff:

· Dip an imaginary cap

· Salute her

· Bow to her

· Blow her a kiss

· Kiss her hand

· Raise your glass and toast your future happiness. Together!

 

Watchdog Alert

 

• Closed and guarded body language denotes tension and a cagey personality

• Tongue protruding from inside of the cheek could mean you’re hiding the truth

• Power walking: big steps and swinging arms will make you appear bigger than you are

• Tightly pursed lips equals anxiety

• Physically moving away equals, fear, discomfort, the desire for distance

• Stabbing gestures denote seriousness; you mean business, and feel a tad aggressive

• Feet turned away suggests the desire to get away!

 

And Remember: Doing the touchy-feelies doesn’t mean pawing. A clumsy pat on the hand or a bruising arm around the shoulder will set the wrong tone altogether. We want playful not pawing!

Rrrrejection

 

Why is it that men think they have the monopoly on rejection? There is nothing predominately male about the fear of rejection, just as there is nothing predominately female about it – it’s just as dire for all of us.

So why would anyone want to put themselves through the indignity and humiliation and stress that goes with the process of trying to find The One? Well there are a lot of reasons, namely that in order to pursue red hot romance, one must prepare for rejection of the very worst kind. I’m not trying to put the fear of god into you, but in spoilsport Dating Doctor mode, I should share this sobering piece warning of the dangers, so that you may enjoy your flirting foray all the more.

I understand the pain of rejection, who doesn’t? We’ve all been there. But you need to be realistic and see it for what it is – a numbers game. Rejection is a very real part of our lives, no matter whether your name is George Clooney, or Jack the Lad. We’ve all been through it and we’ve all lived to tell the tale. So will you – provided you don’t let the demons screw you up.

Think back to your earliest playground memories: was there ever a moment when your fantasy playmate wouldn’t even look at you, let alone play with you? When she cried when you came within ten feet of her and squawked: “Take it away because it’s smelly and it stinks and it’s horrible.” Sound familiar? Yes I thought so. That’s where it all began.

 

Hello Mills & Boon! There will always be obstacles and challenges to overcome before the leading man gets his lady. Emotional conflict meets inner turmoil. You know the drill:

 

· Boy meets Girl

· Boy chases girl

· Girl causes boy nothing but grief

· Boy backs off

· Girl cleans up her act

· Boy takes girl back

 

And there’s your happy ending! It is genuinely baffling, but somehow, the less sense it makes, the better it works out in the end. It doesn’t get easier as we get older. If anything it gets harder. Sorry, I’m just telling it how it is. Nor does it go to plan most of the time, that’s life, otherwise known as Sod’s Law. And since we don’t come equipped with the faculties to deal with rejection, it can be tough. Especially for guys who are hotwired to be aggressive and competitive when it comes to all things bats and balls, career and cricket – but so very easily deflated when it comes to women. Chances are you will be as badly affected by a brisk rejection that comes from a clumsy approach in a noisy club, than if you were officially listed for the Really Bad Sex Award.

There is a bizarre tendency when it comes to all things mating and dating, to try to control every aspect of it. But that’s never going to happen. Think about it. We accept rejection every day, in some form or another. We accept that not every job interview we apply for will be successful and not all material things are within our reach, yet we expect everyone we fancy to laugh hysterically at our lame gags and fall in lust with us. Then when they don’t, we are crushed beyond redemption. Blimey! It’s this kind of pressure that makes our encounters so fraught. We worry ourselves sick that someone won’t fancy us, and that makes us crazy. But really there’s no logic here. You don’t have to appeal to everyone from Wales to Wolverhampton, it’s just not necessary – or realistic.

Lost In Manslation

 

Sometimes it’s not even the rejection that’s so fearsome; it’s the mere thought of it that’s enough to put anyone off. But what is the basis of your fear? And what’s the worst thing that can happen if someone kicks you to the kerb? Is it the shame of losing face? Being turned down? Being fobbed off? I suspect it’s a little of all of the above. We’re only human. We all have feelings. We might like to think we’re automated robots when it comes to this stuff, but we’re not. It does hurt when someone sniggers in your face when you’ve just tried to be pleasant. I get that. The only response is to take it in your stride and take it like a man. You have no cause for real fear – once you take out all the bullshit that is. Save that energy, and focus on making a meaningful bond with someone real; someone who appreciates you. Because really, who cares if you say the wrong thing, or snort rather too loudly when you laugh? No-one’s testing you. No-one’s grading you. This is not a life or death situation. You can bet your bottom pound she’s not perfect. She’s just some girl. She’s not judging you. She’s too worried if her Bum Looks Big In This.

And honestly, you can take all the Anti-Rejection Pills you want, but you’re better off to anticipate the worst case scenario, because nom de dieu! It will happen. And when it does, there’s only one thing to do. Stop, breathe and take stock of the situation. We’ve all been there. We’ve all experienced this heart attack inducing shite. The trick is to stay calm. Switch your internal panic alarm off. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, take a big breath, wave your SOS flag and get back out there! If you see that vicious wench again, ignore her. Don’t let her know she’s upset you. It’s not a L’Oreal advertisement, and she’s not worth it!

Once you’ve got the right attitude, and you’re calm and focused, you will see how this can be a relatively painless process. Bottom line, you need an attitude that doesn’t flip at the sight of a hot babe – which can be hard. You see her and she’s so hot you want to party her into the ground right there and then. But instead, stay cool.

The key is not to take it too seriously. It’s all just fun and games. But it takes a real man, a strong man, a hard man to get that maracas shaking message over the line and into someone’s mind, but if anyone can do it, you can. Keep telling yourself. Believe in yourself! You don’t have to come across all hot and heavy. Just give her a sign. If she gets it she gets it, if she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be addicted. Just watch and see.

 

Fun Fact: Rejection Means Nothing To Successful Guys.

What Women Want

 

I already knew that 33-year-old Alison was a big hitter. Tiny but titanic, she was loud and funny – when she was with the girls – but once she was out of her comfort zone, she went to ground. Her impish hair and petite frame could surely not be threatening to any man, woman or child, yet during the three years she’d been single, she has never been approached. Gradually, it’s taken its toll on her personality. These days she is completely overwhelmed by the dating arena which she says feels like ‘entering a shark pool’. As for the notion of meeting men, her question is, ‘But, how?!’ From Alison’s point of view, it’s not getting any easier. If anything, it’s getting harder. This is what she says when I ask her what the problem is:

 

“When I go out in London, it’s to meet up with friends. If I’m busy chatting to them and catching up, I’m not going to be checking out every bloke that walks by! Hugh Grant could be sitting ten feet away and I wouldn’t have a clue. I think it’s easy to ignore what’s going on around you because, let’s face it no-one’s very friendly. So it’s not like when I go to the pub I’m going to meet someone. It would never occur to me. And it has never happened! So I don’t look for it. And it doesn’t look for me!”

 

I dig a little deeper and ask what happens if she gets noticed by guys.

 

“Well it doesn’t happen… Because if someone looks at me, I look away and then they give up! Once or twice I have caught someone’s eye, but then, it feels weird, so I just look away really quickly… I wish I could smile at them, or return the look, but it seems like every time I do, they go and talk to someone else. Someone prettier. And that makes me feel bad. So why should I bother?”

 

Because she’s not used to it, the whole eye-contact thing feels confronting. The worst thing is that if Alison does catch someone’s eye, she’ll convince herself that they’re looking at her by mistake. That’s her self-esteem talking. She refuses to believe that a cute guy could be checking her out. So, rather than wait for him to look away, and then ignore her, she looks away first. That way she can’t get rejected. Which is a crime because once you get chatting to her she’s smiley and lively and fun. It’s getting to know her that’s the hard part.

That’s the problem. All well and good, but what’s the solution? If Alison was better at handling eye-contact and if she had more confidence, she would be more likely to make a connection. And then, YOU, being the legend that you are, might be more inclined to smile and say hi. But since she’s not giving out the signals, you’re not making a move. Bottom line, if you want to get to know the Alison’s of the world, the only way it’s going to happen is if you take the WTF! approach and go in without fear. Of course it’s only the real super troopers amongst you will be willing and able to do that. I didn’t say it was fair, I’m just telling it the way it is.

Alicia is in her mid-30s and a dead ringer for Desperate Housewife, Eva Longoria. In spite of her gorgeousness, Alicia is one of the shyest people I’ve met. During our night out, she stayed stubbornly in her shell. Whatever spin you put on it, taking a risk is not her thing. But to look at her with that amazing head of bed-hair and the dress with a killer neckline that says Grrrrr,you’d just assume at she was massively confident, or taken, one or the other. But she’s not. Not on either count. She is very single and very available. Further proof that you must never presume anything! The problem is that she feels terribly self-conscious about it. She doesn’t understand why she is single. She knows she’s attractive because she gets the looks, but since she hates flaunting her availability, there’s a ‘Stay Away’ vibe that pulsates around her, so of course, no-one comes within spitting distance. As a result she’s left alone. That makes her feel more unattractive, even though deep down she knows she’s avoiding the attention. She may be rocking a dangerously low neckline but it’s not much use if you can’t catch her eye. It’s a Catch 22. And the only guy who’s going to break through her force field is the guy who’s got the courage to hang around long enough to start a conversation. Once she starts chatting she’s OK, it’s getting her started that takes some work.

Fran is a 28-year-old researcher who’s the spitting image of a young Janet Jackson. In a word, she’s gorgeous. She’s also as shy as a kitten. Yet, with her thick black hair tumbling around her shoulders, her dusky, dewy skin; bright, glossy eyes and clad head-to -toe in skin-tight black – you wouldn’t think so. That’s because she’s a knock out. To look at her, you’d think she was getting hit on every minute of the day. Yet, since she arrived from New Zealand two years ago, she’s not had one single guy approach her. Not one! ‘WHAT THE FREAK IS GOING ON GUYS?’ I ask what she thinks the problem is. She furrows her brow and says this:

“I don’t know. I think I scare them away. Maybe I look too serious. The funny thing is that I’m not, I’m just shy. But I can’t help the way I look. If I’m in a conversation with someone, I tend to have my serious face on. I can’t help it. I can see why it could turn guys off though.”

So it’s Fran’s serious face that’s scaring the boys away. Aha! Now we’re getting somewhere. Can you see how silly this is? I mean really? Fran wears her heart on her sleeve because that’s one of the quirks that makes her Fran and as a result she doesn’t get approached. Ever! Gah Fury!

But of course there’s more to it than that. After spending time with this gorgeous creature, I learnt that ever since high school, Fran has thought of herself as quiet and shy – that’s just who she is. She prefers to warm up slowly to new people or situations. As with many shy people, she’s just really bad at small talk; it takes time to cut through. It’s easy to see how you could mistakenly think that she is standoffish or aloof. But once you get to know her it’s clear that Fran is a genuine and caring person, a brilliant listener with a surprisingly lewd wit.

I also noticed that she does have a sort of unfortunate tendency to settle into ‘frowny’ mode when she’s in conversation. When she’s paying attention and listening really hard, her eyes crinkle and her brow furrows – that’s her default position. Nothing wrong with that except that it stops you guys in your tracks! Even if you really want to approach, you see her with that frowny face when she’s chatting with whoever and you feel the fear and stay the hell away which only makes things worse. Because the more Fran is ignored, the more her confidence dips. The more her confidence dips, the less likely she is to smile. The less likely she is to smile, the less likelihood of you going over to say hi. Do you see the bullocks here?

I know. I know. What are you meant to do? Make an ass of yourself on the basis that some ridiculously hot girl is shy and not stuck up at all? Look I’m not saying that’s the solution and I’m not pretending to have all the answers. I just want to show that things aren’t always what they seem on the surface. There are times, many, many times when you might be pleasantly surprised; just as there are many times when you will not. Doomed if you do and doomed if you don’t. Bloody hell ‘eh!

The thing is that these are not isolated cases. Fran’s story is broadly representative of many, many situations I deal with. I see this sort of thing all the time. These girls feel anxious and nervous. They’re flustered and freaked out; they’re a bundle of nerves, a tangle of butterflies – they get themselves into a state and it’s all to do with meeting YOU.

So, over to you guys. Are you brave enough to make an approach on the Frans, Alicias and Alisons of the world? Will you take a chance? If only on the basis that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? Do you see that unless you chance it, the inevitable result is that there’s this beyootiful woman sitting just over there, with buckets of romantic potential; this woman who could love you, yes YOU! But she’s not flirting because she’s shy and scared and nervous. So you don’t go up to her because you’re shy and scared and nervous. And it’s all going to waste because neither of you know what the fuck you’re doing!

Debate: Should Women Approach Men?

 

Let’s face it, traditionally, genetically, historically, just like every fairytale every told, women see their role as dishing out the signals and sitting back and waiting for you to follow up. You can say it’s not right. You can say it doesn’t make sense. You can say what I’ve said over and over again, “It’s not the 1950s – what’s the freakin’ problem?”

But for the moment at least, the problem isn’t going away. Though I’m working on it. I’m begging women to default to a smiley face and drop their defences. They’ve said they’ll give it her best shot and I believe them. In the meanwhile there are exceptions to the rule, and if you are lucky enough to get approached by a girl you fancy – don’t let her out of your sight!

How you would feel if a woman approached you? Pretty good ‘eh? If you have been lucky enough to be approached, then well done you. Might I remind you that during these auspicious occasions you should never be rude or brusque to anyone, even if they’re not your type. It’s called dating karma so be nice. I don’t care if she’s got a head like a hairy football.

Likewise if you’ve never been approached, don’t stress. Most women view this as something so truly out of their comfort zone; so remote from their beliefs, values and ideals – that it will most likely never happen. I can only empathise and say, I wish it was different. But it’s not. And I’m sorry, but somebody’s going to have to change or nothing’s going to happen. Ever! So may the force be with you, and if that doesn’t work, turn it off and turn it on again.

New Kid On The Kop

 

Now that you are set to become king of the dating world, ask yourself how far you are prepared to go. What new approaches and techniques you will try? How will you open up new flirting opportunities? What steps will you take to make this part of your day-to-day life? Who can you start practising on? Lastly, are you prepared to go out on a limb and do whatever it takes to get a result?

If the answer is a high-fivin’ YES! And you can you see yourself becoming more social, smiling more, making better eye-contact and generally not being such a sad bastard, then it goes without saying that soon you will look back on those dark days when you were to chicken shit to give this dating lark a go, and know that from hereon in, it’s all about GOING FOR IT. Now grab a pen and notepad and complete the following:

 

Describe your ideal Flirt Personality e.g.: “I want to be more confident around women. I’d like to be dating as well. Once I’m kicking some goals, I’ll feel more gung-ho.”

How will you open up new flirting opportunities? I’ll try talking to new people for starters. Usually when I go out with my mates, we don’t talk to anyone else!

Who can you start practising on? There’s plenty of girls at work and at the gym – so probably right in front of my nose…

What will you do to get a result? There are opportunities for me to do new stuff in my free time, it’s just a matter of pulling my finger out and getting organised!

What can you do immediately to become more interactive? “Go to more new places. I’ve never been to a quiz night, so I’m going to try one.”

 

To Summarise Let’s Look At The Key Points

 

The key components of flirting are: body language, eye-contact and banter combined with the ABC’s: Approachable, Bulletproof, Confident!

 

In a Nutshell? Your combined use of eye-contact, body language and banter will give you the momentum to kick-start your romantic exploits.

 

Challenges

 

· Look, Listen and Learn

· Watch for signals

· Don’t talk yourself out of anything!

 

KPIs

 

Once you’ve had a chance to get ‘out there’ you’ll need to assess your progress:

 

· Do you feel confident about your eye-contact? (Y/N)

· Are you getting better at reading women’s body language? (Y/N)

· Have you picked up anything new by reading body language? (Y/N)

· Are you becoming aware of how you come across to the ladies? (Y/N)

· Are you able to convey: Confidence. Cheekiness. Charm? (Y/N)

Mantra: If you’re In A Hole. Stop Digging!

 

If you’ve still got your ‘L’ Plates on and it all goes pear shaped, just remember your fullback Mantra: I am Worthy! I am Hot! I am King of the Effing Universe!

 

Checklist

 

· Attention to detail

· Consistency

· Confidence

· Little bag of tricks

· Business card

· Tic tics/gum/mints

· Camera-phone – because a well-timed happy-snap could close the deal!

Q & A

 

What if I fancy someone who is way too good looking and out of my league?

 

If you think she’s out of your league, and you don’t stand a chance, then I’m sorry, but right there, you’ve lost. That’s because you don’t have the confidence going in. In order to get it, you need to change your mind set good and proper. Because, in spite of what you might think, women aren’t always so hung up on looks, and for that reason alone, it’s worth having a go. You don’t know what her type is, and who knows, it could be your lucky day. Just don’t get your hopes up too high. And don’t go home and kick the cat if it doesn’t go as planned.

 

I met a girl through a friend of a friend. We hit it off straight away. The thing is she’s super friendly and really playful and she does that thing where she’s always touching my arm when she’s talking to me, but she does it with everyone else as well. How can I tell if it means anything?

Two words: common sense. If she gives you a playful punch in the arm, or a pat on the hand – then that’s pretty innocent, so you need to be on the lookout for other signals that will give it away. Is she doing it with a come-hither look while she juts her chest out? Is she flicking her hair and acting all girly and coy? If she’s not doing any such thing, and she’s just giving you a playful pat or punch without the other signals, then you can’t read much into it beyond her being friendly. On the other hand, if she lets her hand languish on your leg, then it’s a fair bet that she’s trying to tell you something, so pay attention!

 

There’s a woman I met at work, we get along great and often have coffees and breaks together. I’d like to ask her out but…what to do if I think she likes me, but I’m not sure?

Give her benefit of the doubt. Generally if we get the impression that someone likes us, then they probably do. Once you’ve cottoned on, just be enthusiastic. Let her know you enjoy her company. Just come right out and say it. “You’re funny!” And how hard is it to say, “You know what? We should do this outside of work”. Practice saying these things in platonic situations where it doesn’t count romantically. That way you’ll find it much easier to say when it does count. Be cool, consistent and above all, be yourself! If she likes you she’ll probably be passing on snippets about you to friends, so give her something to talk about!

1 All names and locations have been changed