Step 2
Talking The Talk
It’s Not The Sausage, It’s The Sizzle
The power of sex appeal isn’t just about the way you look you know, women are looking for the full package. It’s the tone of your voice, the twinkle in your eye, the extra little bit of ‘sparkle’. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. We’re looking for good energy, a hint of reckless folly. So c’mon! Show us your mettle.
You’ll know you’ve got it right, because all of a sudden when you speak, people listen, especially if you express yourself confidently. And by confidently, I don’t mean waltzing over wearing a big grin and your, ‘I’m So F***in’ Hot’ T-Shirt.
Funnily enough, chatting to women gets a whole lot easier when you’ve actually got something worth talking about. Especially when you’re doing loads of interesting things that you can bang on about enthusiastically. Even better if you can link it up with your snappy up-to-date knowledge of what’s going on in the world. Luckily for you, you’ll find hundreds of suggestions in Step 5 to get you schmoozing, boozing, charming and seducing.
The guy who can causally mention the band, the book or the confused kitty he rescued – anything quirky at all, is the guy who has a much greater chance of hitting the Jackpot Moment. That’s where the two of you bond over your shared enthusiasm of...well....anything really. Let’s say the topic is holiday spots. You tell her you’re just back from a mini-break in Outer Mongolia and ask if she has any holiday plans. She says, ‘OMG, Outer Mongolia? That’s my favourite holiday place!’ You punch the air with your fist: ‘Yess!’ Things are always easy to convert into crackling sound-bites when they genuinely mean something to you.
The trick is to stop operating from the back-stalls and tear yourself away from whatever it is that’s holding you back. Make a vow to get out of your room, out of the gloom and into the real world, where you become momentarily intrigued by, oh I don’t know, the forgotten art of face-to-face conversation! It’s called chatting and it’s crucial to your tool-kit. You may be good at texting, tweeting, twittering and twaddling, but it’s not much good if you can’t hold a conversation! While we’re on the subject, if your phone stresses you out with a constant stream of text, email and twitter, turn it off! Be gone ye textual predators.
Fancy Schmancy Words
I’m not saying you need to be a walking, talking dictionary, or that you need be like those maddening people that talk in italics all the time, and bore us with relentless stories that go on and on and on. Nor do you need to cultivate conversation worthy of the Oxford Debating Team – you just need to tell us about fun stuff you’ve been doing. That’s where your imagination kicks in, and you weave your story-telling magic with the mundane day-to-day. That means your version of last night’s pizza delivery that went AWOL should be as compelling as an Agatha Christie mystery.
The good news is you can practice on anyone, anywhere, anytime. Ditch your play-it-cool mantra and spark up conversations from scratch. Sharpen up your act and practice with anyone and everyone from colleagues, cocktail waitresses and cabbies. Ease your way in by practicing on little old ladies. They tend to love a good ole chat, especially if they don’t get many people to talk to, so you’ll be doing a random act of kindness as well. There’s no time to feel silly when all you’re doing is communicating effectively. Loosen up, concentrate on the chitchat, listen hard and get those points ticking on the flirt-o-meter! Try a few different openers and make them your signature when it comes to jump-starting a conversation. Once you get the hang of it, your confidence levels will go berserk. Then you’ll be ready to graduate to the hot babes.
Kick-start the process by rating your social skills. Is your banter is full of beans when you’re with best buddies, but as flat as warm beer the minute you meet new people? If so, you need to sort it out. We can’t have you turning into a quivering mess unable to cope with making small talk, or worse still, have you lapsing into awkward pauses peppered with ‘ums and ahhs’ when the nerves kick in.
You’re only human so you’ve no doubt experienced the nerve-wracking challenge of trying to hold a decent conversation with someone you really fancy, only to have that moment kick in when your mouth dries up, the words get stuck in your throat and you forget all the punch lines. The moment our HBA, Hot Babe Alert goes off we are struck down with the disease known scientifically as the ‘Heebie-Jeebies’. More commonly known as: “I like you and therefore – I have no idea what the fuck to say!” Why is it so? It’s Sod’s Law!
Don’t get me wrong, this ailment isn’t restricted to men, women get struck down by it just as badly, all the time. The only cure, and the one I prescribe time and time again, is practice! That way you’re less likely to be shaking in your boots, obsessing about, ‘How hot she is’. That’ll only turn you into Nervous Nigel, and we can’t be having that! Even if you are feeling jittery or uncomfortable, the only mistake you can truly make is to hold back for fear of making a twat of yourself. The problem with holding back, is that she’ll never get to know the real you, especially if you go around imitating the sort of man you think she will like. She’ll see straight through it. If you can manage to be relaxed and natural, and let words leap off the tongue, she’ll see the essence of you – that’s what we’re talking about.
Of course random conversations will seem awkward if you’re not used to them, hence why you need to get out there and start talking to new people. The trick is to use this as a test run for that OMG! Moment. Practice when it doesn’t count, so that when you find yourself face to face with Missus-Oh-My-Freakin-God, you’ll be ready and armed. You’ll be on fire!
It’s not just your social life that will benefit from your new skills, other areas will flourish as well. Having the gift of the gab will have a phenomenal effect on all the things you want out of life. Don’t underestimate the power your conversational cunning has when it comes to catapulting your career, as well as your love life. How do you think the world’s most successful entrepreneurs shot into the business stratosphere? It was largely thanks to their ability to thrive on a big personality, spin a yarn and above all party like it was 1999!
Lose the negative outlook as well. You may be tempted to whine about your boss, your sodding cow of an ex, or something equally dull, but please, try to refrain; we don’t need to know. It’s your spark and humour that conspires to catch our interest. Focus on the positives – always. Your goal is to be sharp, self-depreciative and witty as all hell! Get the girl to laugh at your jokes and then laugh some more, and you’ll be in like Flynn!
Hats Off To… Public Speaking
How would you describe your public speaking skills? If you’re like the major population of Britons, they’re likely to be pretty average. That’s because millions of us are absolutely terrified of speaking in public, and the fear can be crippling. Yet it’s something we’re called upon to do almost every day in some format or another. Of course it’s always going to be easier when it’s informal with our mates, or colleagues, than when we feel put on the spot with hot babes – that’s typically when we get all tongue-tied isn’t it?
It goes without saying that if you clam up when you’re put on the spot, whether it’s in the boardroom or at the pub, then you will miss out on loads of opportunities. But if you can kill the nerves, you’ll find that across the board, you will become better equipped to banter with strangers – which will of course lead to the bedroom. All I’m saying is that every little bit helps!
The good news is there are a million and one ways to fine-tune these skills from instructional books and videos to all kinds of courses in story-telling. It’s not one of those things that you need to be born with, you can learn it. Once you’ve learnt it, it’s a skill that you can use in any situation, and, you’ve got it for life.
So if you find the company of strangers still gives you verbal diarrhoea and your repartee isn’t as good as it could be, don’t let it be your Achilles heel, summon in the professionals and sharpen it up!
• Become a Communicator Extraordinaire
• Enrol for a debating group
• Sign up for Toastmasters and get to perform in a public forum
• Read ‘How to Talk to Anyone’ by Leil Lowndes.
• Sign up for a Speed-dating session. More about this in Step 6.
• Learn Stand-Up comedy!
Fact Of The Day
Less than a week after he was out of office, former PM Gordon Brown presented a talk for media students at a London college. As part of the Q & A session he told them that if he could do it all again, he would go back to Office equipped with PR and media skills. Because without them, he implied, you’re screwed. You’re telling us! That distorted smile and the flailing try hard gestures he used to illustrate his speeches completely missed the spot. If only he had been himself we sighed. Too late now!
Don’t Get Mad, Get Funny!
In this, the age of war, recession and world-wide carnage, comedy is having its moment in the sun. It’s the most popular and escapist form of entertainment around. There’s nothing like it to escape the blues. It’s one thing to watch it, but if you’re game to give it a go yourself, performing your own stand-up comedy will have you leaping right out of your own skin. That’s my cue for a story...
I embarked on my own stand-up comedy adventure in 2009. I’m here to tell you it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I found it much harder than any day job; well I’ve never had a day job that depended on acting like a git to make people laugh! On the other hand, if I wanted to show off, or manipulate the audience, and say and do silly things in the name of entertainment – I’d come to the right place. It was pretty clear that I was in the midst of a huge learning curve, and considering the work I do, I need every communication skill I can get. Now that I’ve got the hang of it, I can honestly say that it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. There are so many reasons I hardly know where to start.
On a social level alone, it expanded my network out of sight and introduced me to some of the best and funniest people I’ve ever met. From a self-confidence perspective, it’s forced me to rethink the way I project and put things ‘out there’. From a writing point of view, it has enabled me to develop a whole new approach to the way I look at situations and convert them into words. I’ve also learnt that it’s possible to put a humorous spin on almost anything.
But boy oh boy, did I encounter some hiccups at the beginning! Not the least because the nature of my routine: all things mating, dating and matchmaking, meant that I didn’t always have the women onside, presumably because they were with their boyfriends and feeling a bit touchy about the territory. On top of that, it took me a long time to find my comedy ‘voice’. For the first twelve months I got up there and talked about everything except myself. I hid behind the one-liners and an encyclopaedic knowledge of pop culture. It was only when I did a course in stand-up, that my tutor, a lovely man called Keith, pulled me up on it.
‘The problem’, he said, was that I wasn’t ‘revealing’ anything about myself. It was like I had something to hide. “Who are you Sue?” he asked one day after class. That’s when I had the aha! moment. I was so intent on being ‘clever’ up there, that I’d missed the most obvious thing. That’s when I changed everything.
After much tweaking and trialling different things, I turned my set on its head, and the central theme became all about me. I poked fun at myself relentlessly: my hair, make-up, star-sign, job, boyfriend – everything. I just went for it. Before I knew it, I started to win the audiences over – both sexes. Mind you it took a while, a lot longer than I ever imagined, but the rewards were fantastic. If I never I knew the meaning of the expression – you’ve got to fail in order to succeed – I knew it now. I absolutely fell on my arse, and not one time or two times, but loads of times. And the worse it was, the more determined I became. I don’t like failing, or flailing in this case, and being the most stubborn person on the planet means I will put myself through almost anything in order to succeed. The best thing to come out of it was that nothing fazes me now. Seriously.
The other interesting thing I noticed, was the parallel between what I’m asking you to do – to get out of your comfort zone – and what I went through with the comedy. It’s uncanny. Especially because I was working hard on this book the whole time I was gigging. The more I thought about it, the more I realised I would have never got on top of stand-up if I hadn’t gone out and experienced it live in the real world: on a real stage, in a real pub, at a real gig in front of a real audience, every week for a the best part of a year. Falling flat on my face and underwhelming the audience was just part of it. I had to go through that to get to where I needed to go. That was my apprenticeship. I had to practice. I had to be brave. I had to take it on the chin. And so do you.
If you decide to try your hand at stand-up, then bravo, I applaud you in advance. And I’ll tell you right now, two things will soon be evident. Firstly you will conquer the worst of your nerves, and your confidence will go through the roof. Secondly you will make a great impression on the ladies!
So, if you’re intrigued and want to find out more, a good starting point is to check your local comedy venues and get along to any Open Mic night to see the amateurs in action. Then, if you like what you see and you’ve not done anything like it before, why not try a comedy course? I’ve made my recommendation at the end of this section for those readers in London, but otherwise, all cities offer them. And don’t despair if carrying on like a git on stage isn’t your thing, you can get your comic creative juices flowing in other ways – write a comedy rap instead. A very good mate of mine does and the girls love it!
Recommended Stand-Up Comedy Course: The Comedy School London http://thecomedyschool.com
They Say That Listening Is The Sexiest...
Q. Who said: “Laughter never goes out of fashion. It’s like magic; it can get you anything – money, women, houses, cars, anything.”
A. Seinfeld!
We’ve talked a lot about having the gift of the gab and how important that is, but I also want to celebrate that altogether more rare ability which is to listen. They say that men with the ability to listen are the sexiest people alive. Why? Because it lets the lady do what the lady wants to do. Do you know how sexy it is to tell us all yourself and your interests? Not as sexy as if you just shut up and listen.
Personally I know a whole lot of men who swear that during a first date they will do nothing but listen, nod, murmur, laugh ask questions, show an interest and without fail, end up in bed with the lady – I’m not saying that that need be the goal – just telling it how it is. Rule of thumb: nothing says I want you and I want you now like the man who can listen!
Often the things we recall from conversations are those things we reveal about ourselves in response to unexpected or quirky questions. So, rather than being on autopilot and fast-forwarding to what you will say next – or worse, going on and on about yourself since woman can’t stand a show-off – make an effort to really stop and listen. Let the conversation follow its natural course and take the time to respond thoughtfully. Pepper the exchange with light-hearted questions, and don’t whatever you do, stick to a script. You’re not on a fact finding mission. You can find out all the facts in the world later, if there’s any chemistry. First you need to make a connection.The aim is to make someone feel special and put them in the spotlight. So don’t be looking over her shoulder or craning your head to see who’s ‘over there’. The message should be: ‘It’s all about you!’ Look her squarely in the eye, pay attention and indulge her Princess Syndrome. If she wants to talk about Vegan Junk Food, talk about Vegan Junk Food. Just do whatever it takes to make her feel like the Only Girl in the World.
Case Study: No-one was surprised when Jacqui walked away with the Best and Fairest Flirt Award that freezing night in February. The difference in her from the beginning to end of the night was startling. She was a natural, but, she was also very self-conscious.
After a pep-talk the night kicked into action and by the time we sashayed into a boisterous Bloomsbury boozer, Jacqui was on fire, bewitching every guy that came near her.
I watched closely to see what her secret was. Her biggest strength was that she was a really good listener. NO-ONE can resist a great listener, and somehow, every good flirt knows how to listen instinctively. Jacqui asked lots of questions and she listened to the answers. She kept the conversation going and she kept it light and breezy.
If you see a gorgeous girl flexing her listening muscle, cocking her head, listening intently, using her eyes – you gotta know that she’s flirting with you!
Hang About, What Is Charm?
Let’s start with what is charm is not. Charm is not the bullocks that the pick-up artists and the players dish out – those to whom every cheesy one-liner is clearly rehearsed. Charm is not the dodgy dude who talks only in clichés and cheap innuendo, and thinks all women are desperate morons there to be poked and prodded expressly for his pleasure. Charm is not the dapper chappy who slathers on the compliments as thickly and slickly as an oil-well. Nor is Charm those cheeky Charity Workers who leap all over you like excitable puppies whenever you walk down any street in Central London. No, that is not charm.
Charm is spontaneous and real. It’s the off the cuff compliment you didn’t see coming; the interest from someone who is genuinely interested in YOU and how you’re going. Charm is a warm, happy fellow human being who loves your company, and isn’t afraid to let you know. Charm is when someone you barely know makes you feel ten foot tall.
That Is Charm
On a practical level, charm is ignited by an interaction; it’s what happens when you access someone’s world, and link it in with yours. It’s that moment during a conversation when you acknowledge and pick up on someone’s innate thoughts, their dreams, fears and passions, and bring the topic around to their world – to the things they’re into. So if I was talking to you about a film, a book or a band that I enjoyed, and I said, “YOU would love it!” That’s charm right there. All you need to remember about charm is that it’s all about THEM. If you can remember that, you’ll do just fine.
Bottom line: if you’re not a trust-fund baby or the descendant of an Indian sultan, and all the riches that incorporates, you’ll need to flex that charm muscle and be on the charm offensive 24/7! Shizzle ma nizzle!
Mind The Gap
Here in Britain it is deemed impolite to have even the tiniest pause between conversational patter. But rather than fear it, why not look at it another way? The pause provides a chance to see where the other person will take things. If you insist on controlling the whole kit and caboodle, or if you pride yourself on your very ability to do so, and many do, it’s not going to deliver any surprises. But if you let it careen on its own for a bit, and venture right into those mysterious nooks and crannies – you might come out of it with more than you expected – the top shelf stuff.
The trick is not to get all panicky and freak-out if there is a moment’s gap in your banter. Silence is not the enemy. Rather than fretting, better to follow the simple rules of body language and fill in the gaps with lots of reassuring eye-contact and responsive smiles and nods. These are the non-verbal signs that show you’re paying attention. Go for quality over quantity, and have faith that the conversation will take care of itself, provided you’re both into it. The silence doesn’t have to be awkward. It can be peaceful and amicable. A way to show you’re comfortable with each other. If there really is nothing else to talk about, just ask about her favourite subject – herself – you cannot fail! Otherwise if have no option but to talk about the dreaded weather, at least do it with an ironic wink.
Watchdog Lookout: Interupt-itis
Don’t interrupt already! Why do guys have a habit of jumping in to the conversation with the old, ‘Been there! Done that!’ Of course it’s fine to interject, but wait until she’s finished before barging in with your version halfway through. Let her get to the end of her story first and then dazzle her with yours; even if you think yours is more interesting! Likewise, wait until the time is right to reveal a tit-bit about yourself, before flipping the spotlight back to her. Keep the chat well balanced whilst encouraging her to open up.
• Don’t ask questions and then talk all over the answer
• Don’t look over her shoulder, or swivel your head around
• Don’t fast forward to what you’ll say next – wait for her to finish
• Don’t try to impress with your story which is bigger, better and funnier – at least until she’s finished
Don’t Apologise, Don’t Explain
Most of the consultations I do take place across Central London in various cafes and bars where I am meeting people for the first time. Part of my job is to assess them from the minute I set eyes on them. And whilst body language and eye-contact conveys one thing, I’m usually struck by what they say. Often they will apologise, for no good reason, except it seems, to fill in a gap. They’ll apologise because they didn’t spot me straight away. They’ll apologise for not heading straight to where I was sitting. They’ll apologise because they didn’t bring the right money – there’s too much apologising! Of course I appreciate manners but there are alternative ways to acknowledge a situation without apologising all the time. It sets a bad precedent. Apologising without good reason should be against the law.
Bloke Quote: “I don’t like liars, I don’t like cheats. I don’t like bullshitters. I don’t like schmoozers. I don’t like arse-lickers.” – Lord Alan Sugar
International Men of Mystery Don’t Tell All Their Secrets!
Avoid the case of ‘too much, too soon’. Revealing all your dark secrets too early is a big no-no! By all means have a laugh at your own expense, but don’t go overboard. She doesn’t have to know the gory details about:
• Your rug of back hair
• What you ate in China that time
• What happened behind the shelter sheds
• That you wax your… whatever
• TMI: Too much information!
Lost in Translation
Sometimes the most important things get lost in translation. One minute you’re having a great old chat and the next, your lady-friend throws in something random, and you know it’s cheeky because she’s definitely got that glint in her eye, but you don’t quite get the gist of it, so rather than ask her to repeat it, or expand, you just smile and nod and ignore it like the great git that you are! That leads to a massive miscommunication where she’s left feeling deflated because she had hoped to set things off in a more intimate direction and get to know you a little better. Instead she’s feels like it’s Game Over.
Moral of the Story: when in doubt, ASK!
Sometimes the most important things get lost in translation. One minute you’re having a great old chat, and then the next, your lady-friend throws in something a little cheeky, but, if you don’t quite understand what she’s getting at, you may not stop to ask her to repeat it, or expand – you just smile and nod and ignore it like the great git that you are! Which leads to a great big miscommunication where she’s left feeling all deflated, because for all you know, she hoped to set things off in a more intimate direction and, you know, get to know you a little better. Now she’s left feeling like it’s Game Over.
Moral of the Story: when in doubt, ask!
Case Study: Alexandria is one very sexy lady: all cheekbones, feline eyes and sleek body language; a lethal combination which conspires to say everything that words cannot. Especially when the challenge is her accent.
Alexandria is Russian, possibly one of the most glamorous women to come out of Russia. But, as sexy as her accent is, and it really is, she’s very self-conscious about it. As such she lacks the confidence to launch herself into conversations. The end result is that most of the time she’s left waiting by the sidelines.
Alexandria wishes she could worry less about the language barrier and focus more on being playful, but because she feels self-conscious, she’s not as outgoing as she would like to be. And to be honest, if you glimpsed her across the room, you would write her off as the Ice Queen – that’s what we tend to think when we spot a six-foot svelte blonde who looks like a modern day Brigitte Nielsen – is it not? When the reality is that she feels socially awkward and in this case, it comes across as looking unfriendly, or at the very least, unapproachable.
Consider this: Would you make an approach on someone if they looked completely unapproachable? I’m assuming the answer is ‘no!’ If it is, you could be missing a trick, because in many cases, nothing could be further than the truth. Alexandria would be over the moon if you came over and introduced yourself, even if it’s only the basis that nobody decent ever does! This is true of many beautiful women the world over. They don’t get hit on enough because they’re seen to be intimidating. Or they only get hit on from the players, not the genuine guys. So if you see a statuesque blonde in your midst, don’t automatically assume she won’t want to chat, just suck it and see.
Compliment-It Is
Is it just me or have you noticed how no-one compliments anyone anymore? It’s a dying art form. And since we rarely get compliments, we don’t think to dish them out. A symptom of the crazily busy times we live in. In some cities people are just downright aggressive; pushing and shoving with barely a grunt of apology. That’s the harsh reality of life in the big city. No-one has time for old-school manners. Everyone’s too busy to stop and smile, or say hello. It’s such a shame because a well-timed compliment can absolutely make someone’s day. I find it so sad that no-one uses this simple and obvious way to connect. These days, pretty much the only regular compliments women can depend on for their ego fix, are from the building site workers who retreat to the safely of their mates amidst cries of: “Oi, love, fancy one?”
Surely I am not the only one longing for a glimpse back to a time where men would tip their hat, kiss a lady’s hand, and dish out an elegant compliment without the fear of getting bitch slapped? I didn’t think so. Nor am I the only one who’s a sucker for old-fashion values – they rock! Generally speaking, women will applaud a man who acts in a gentlemanly way, whether he says something lovely, gestures for her to step ahead of him, or opens the door. For most of us, a juicy compliment truly makes our day, “Great shoes. Great smile!” Is all it takes! Having said that, you will occasionally encounter a grumpy bad apple here and there; but that’s fine, so long as you don’t let them spoil the bunch.
Brain teaser: Does the English Gent actually exist anymore?
Compliments are the best ice-breakers and most of us will take them any way we can get them. But it’s nice to hear those compliments we’ve not heard before. So when we hear the bog standard Mr Happy line trotted out: “You’ve got beautiful legs/hair/breasticles.” It’s a bit like, “C’mon! Is that the best you got?!” It’s not like we go around peering at your wotsits and saying, “Oi, nice package!”
Try to be innovative with your compliments and think laterally. Complement our, our…. shoes – there’s a good one! Guys just don’t comment on our shoes nearly enough, and god knows we spend half our salary on them. So if we’re rocking a pair of shoes that scream, ‘Don’t mess with me’ and you’re secretly thinking, ‘Oh my lord, a more erotic pair of Eff-Me-Heels I have never seen’ you need to find a way to tell us our shoes are smoking. We will love you for it!
It’s also lovely to receive compliments on accessories, but again, it’s best to be specific. Put your observational super-seducer skills to the test and look out for the tiniest and most delicate of trinkets and charms and all sorts of spangly things. As soon as a girly touch catch your eye – a quirky hair slide, a pretty pair of earrings – let her know. She’s gone out of her way to draw attention to herself so why not show her you appreciate that – even if it doesn’t bling the house down.
We will also rate you highly if you notice the overall picture, or the whole ‘look’, rather than just one part. So rather than saying ‘Nice dress!’ you might try, ‘You look AMAZING in that dress.’ Or ‘That dress really suits you.’ It’s a subtle difference, but effective, especially when we’ve put in the effort. Try to tailor the compliment and personalise it:
That suit makes you look seriously good!
That jacket – the colour and the cut - looks amazing on you!
You’ve got the tiniest waist in that dress!
The dress, the shoes, the pearls - you look beautiful!
Let’s see if you’ve got what it takes to applaud her efforts. Granted, part of our effort with the way we are turned out is designed to impress other women, but, if someone is spending time with you and she likes you, then either directly or indirectly, the way she is styled is in some ways, for your benefit. Of course the compliment doesn’t have to be restricted to what she’s wearing; in fact, you’ll earn loads of brownie points if it’s something unusual, or something she hasn’t heard before. Anything like:
• You’ve got a real presence
• I like the way you think
• The world needs more people like you
• I feel like I’ve known you forever
• You remind me of a really close friend
• I noticed you when you walked in
Accept That Compliment Damn You!
Until such time as you’re ready to dish out the compliments face-to-face, the Catch You Later compliment is a nice way to ease in. Reserved for Flirts in Training, it allows you to dart up to someone, deposit a nice juicy compliment and dash off before they have a chance to reply. The benefits are plentiful. First you get to make someone’s day (that’s always nice). Second, you don’t run the risk of rejection. Brilliant! Lastly it gives you the chance to practice your style when it doesn’t count, so you’ll be as smooth as silk when it does!
Here’s how it works: Select your target and focus in on something – maybe it’s a pair of shiny stilettos, a diamante TOYBOY belt, or an interesting piece of costume jewellery. It could be anything at all. Everyone’s got something worth complimenting. You just have to look for it. And then, as you wander by, just smile and say it, whatever it is:
• Love your bracelets!
• Great jacket!
• Cool shoes!
Then, flash that smile and stride away. You don’t have to stick around and wait for an answer. That’s the point; she doesn’t feel all awkward about what to say back. But, it gives her is a little something to think about later, hmmmm? And who knows, she may return the favour when she sees you next, so if nothing else, you’ve broken the ice. See if you can come up with 3 specific compliments based on those special women that you fancy or have fancied. Nothing naughty thanks folks!
Jenny: beautiful eyes
Amy: great hair and style
Karen: a body to die for!
Practice your compliment prowess with everyone you see. Make a note of their best assets – keep it clean – try to find something great to say about everyone. Whether it’s their sense of humour, banana peeling ability, hair, tan, teeth, skin, smile, shoes, freckles, hands, muscle tone, hip to waist ratio, little black dress, toes, fingers – anything, just look for the positives. Once you get into the swing of it and begin to appreciate the power behind the almighty compliment, you will be more likely to dish them out. Added bonus, once you feel courageous, you will be unstoppable.
Likewise when you get a compliment, you should NOT:
• Tell them they must be BLIND!
• Ask them what their problem is
• Say can’t we just cut to the chase already?
• Bore them with a lengthy explanation
• Scowl and say, ‘Yeah rrrrright!!’
Instead you could try:
• It’s my favourite too! I love it because…
• Ah yes, I got it while I was travelling in….
• You’ve made me feel ten foot tall!
• Mademoiselle, you make me blush at your delicious impudence.
• Thank you!
Let me interrupt myself for a minute. I’ve had my share of compliments, and I’m not complaining, I love them just as much as the next person, possibly even more! Ask me about my most memorable ones, and I’d have to say they’re never the obvious ones, they’re the quirky ones – that’s what makes them special. The compliment I remember the most was about my ‘character’, which according to this one bloke, was the best he had ever come across. The appeal was simply that no-one else had ever said it. ‘You’ve got a sexy face’ was another of my favourites!
Questions, Ice-Breakers And Random Openers
Ice-breakers that fit the bill are usually the obvious ones. You’re not looking for anything too flash. The best things to talk about are often right in front of you. You’re looking to create a bond; the easiest way to do that is over your surrounds. You already have that in common since you’re both at the same place at the same time, so use that! Be prepared to think on your feet and use your common sense. Choose material suited to the situation and aim to have some snappy ice-breakers at the ready. Have you thought it through? Where are your props? What’s happening in the background? What have you prepared? What do you have up your sleeve?
Before we look at how to keep things ticking over, a Royal Fact…
Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, has stood at the Queen’s side for nearly 60 years. He has become the longest serving consort in British history. His reluctance to speak about all aspects of his life is well documented and is, according to his son, Prince Edward and told to the BBC, due to modesty:
“My father plain and simply is very modest about himself and doesn’t believe in talking about himself. One of his best pieces of advice he gives to everybody is talk about everything else, don’t talk about yourself - nobody’s interested in you.”
And yet, in spite of the Prince’s wise words, there is a whole world of dating advice that encourages you to ask questions relentlessly. The message is, so long as you’re asking a woman’s opinion on…well anything, you’ll be fine. And I get that, but I also hear women’s side of it. And here’s what you need to know: often they complain that you guys are so busy with your persistent questions, that they don’t get a chance to find out anything about you. You just can’t win can you?!
If you’re in a desperate race against time to find out everything about someone on the first meeting, may I suggest that you sit back and take a big breath instead. The trick is to take it easy. Otherwise she might feel like she’s being cross-examined, and no-one likes that1.Strive to find a balance between firing off questions and revealing titbits about yourself.
Ask questions without interrogating – leave that to the women
Go on the charm offensive. Be interested and interesting.
Make it worth her effort.
Hats Off To…Tag Questions
You may already know about Tag Questions, perhaps you learnt the technique in primary school, but even if you did, you’re likely to have forgotten since we rarely use them as adults, which is a shame because Tag Questions are an effective way to reveal some interesting things about yourself, whilst finding out lots of good stuff about somebody else. The idea is to open up a topic and reveal some tit-bit, and then throw it out into the open.
So instead of:
“Do you work out?”
You might say:
“I don’t work out as often as I’d like. But you’re in amazing shape. What’s your secret?”
And then, I swear to god, watch as her whole face changes as she says:
“Exercise! Every day I run for one hour! It is the only way to keep fit!”
Likewise with:
“Been on any good holidays lately?”
Try:
“I went to Ireland for NYE. I drank enough Guinness to sink a pirate ship. What’s your best ever NYE?”
The Deep & Meaningful
Once you’re chit-chatting away and it’s all bells and whistles, you’ll want to get the essence of this woman, and find out what she’s all about. The best way of doing that is to delve into more personal territory once the conversation broadens out. Instead of asking the dreary questions, go one step further in a bid to tap into your playmate’s psyche. If she mentions recent changes she’s been through, either in her personal or professional life, ask how she’s coping with the ‘change’, rather than just the bog standard, ‘How’s work?’ Or if there’s a comparable experience that you can offer, like maybe you went through a massive career overhaul of your own recently, then put that out there.
Question Time: For conversations that flow like liquid sunshine, ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with a straight ‘yes’ or ‘no’. There’s nowhere to go when you get one word responses which usually happens when we say things like:
“Great party huh?”
And then you’re left wondering what on earth to say when you get an answer like:
“Yep!”
Yet if you tried:
“Great BBQ. How do you know our host?”
And the answer is:
“Alex and I went to high-school together.”
Then you’ve hit the jackpot! Now you’ve got a wealth of material to mine, so it’s just a matter of continuing along in that direction.
Focus on the positives and ask questions which can glide down another intriguing path and hopefully end in a Jackpot Moment, that’s what you’re after, clues to keep things crackling along. Use questions based around the same theme: Where did they grow up? What do they like best about the new place? Once the conversation broadens out use the ‘I’ word as much as you like – just be sure it extends to include them:
“I usually go out in North London. What’s your favorite party area?”
“I just had my 35th birthday – big party! What about you? Any exciting birthday plans?”
“I usually get away hiking on the weekends...”
“I love going out for a roast on Sundays...”
“I tend to spend my Saturday nights...”
Charge Your Glasses To…The Bleedin’ Obvious
More and more I hear stories from pro-active women who follow the basic rule that ‘you never know where you’ll meet someone’; as such they’re open to the idea of meeting someone at the supermarket, or at a café. But even though they have the best intentions in the world, if they do spot a fanciable man, they tend to freeze in the heat of the moment, completely lose their nerve and not know what to say.
I should know because often they’ll text me desperately wanting to know: ‘What should I say? What should I do?’ My advice to the ladies is exactly the same as it is to YOU. Use your imagination, think on your feet. Find an opener to fit the surrounds and the setting. Say something, say anything! Just open your mouth and speak!!
Likewise next time you’re out and about, in a shopping centre or at Lady Sat-alone Cafe and you see an opportunity, just start up a chat. I know you think it’s weird, being British and all, but it’s not that weird. Get over the idea that you’ll come across all Uncle Purvey because you oooh-er spoke to a stranger. It’s silly! The amount of opportunities you stand to lose because of your sodding pride isn’t worth it! I have people come up to me all the time to start any old conversation. I don’t have a problem with it, nor should you.
Rule Of Thumb
• If you’re at the bar, talk about the drinks!
• If you’re at a gig, talk about the band!
• If you’re at a coffee shop – talk about the coffee!
• If you’re at the railroad, talk about the trains!
• If you’re at the bus-stop, talk about the bus!
• If you’re at the cab-rank, talk about the cabs!
Backdrop And Location
You’re in the same place at the same time so you’ve already got your opener. Use that to get things started!
Last hurrahs at the bar: Fancyadrinkthen?
You’re standing at the bar waiting to order when a hot damn! babe with a tempting grin pointed your way props up right next to you. With posture that would put Beckham to shame, you volley that smile right back and swing straight into it:
“I’m taking a poll for the bar, which do you prefer:
• Cocktails, Corona or Champagne?
• Beer, Bellinis or Bacardi?
• Shooters, Shots or Sangria?”
Likewise look at the props around you, if there’s a pool table ask if she plays pool. If there’s a jukebox, ask for her request. If there’s a dance-floor, ask her to dance. Ask anything, just open your mouth. What’s the worst thing that can happen if you ask:
• Do you know if it’s still Happy Hour?
• Would you like a straw with that?
• Do you know what time they’re open ‘til?
• Do you know anywhere nearby to eat?
• Do you know anywhere to kick on afterwards?
By the time she’s answered, you will have offered to buy her a drink, of course you have. And no doubt you used some variation of the following:
• You look thirsty and I’m getting a drink; shall I get you one?
• You look like you could do with a Long Tall Glass of something fabulous. Fancy it?
• I’m not letting out of my sight until I’ve bought you a drink!
At Starbucks:
• I see you’re having the Vanilla-light-Grande-decaff-toffee-frappuchino – me too. That makes us coffee soul-mates!
• Can I ask about your laptop? (I get this all the time)
• May I borrow your copy of Time Out? (also popular)
• Could I borrow your pen?
• Does your phone have Bluetooth?
• Will you mind my things while I order a coffee? (I get this one all the time as well)
• Do you have a pen? (Ditto the above!)
At the Gig:
• Do you know what time the band’s on?
• Do you know who the support is?
• Do you know if the support’s been on yet?
• Do you know who this band is?
• What’s your favourite ever gig then?
At the Supermarket
This is a no-brainer. She’s buying food. You’re buying food...Use your imagination! “So can I interest you in some English sausage?” Kidding!!
On the Street
• You look smart today. Going anywhere nice?
• Excuse me could you tell me where you got the coffee/sandwich/drink/fill in the blank
• On a Park Bench
• “Excuse me, I found this lighter, is it yours?”
Public Spaces: Sports Arenas/Tourist Spots//Restaurants/Hotels
• “Do you know if they have Wi-Fi?”
At a Shopping Centre
“Do you know where I can find.. (fill in the blank)”
At the Library
Stop Press: Right now as I was hard at work at my local library, a chap came over and asked about the Wi-Fi: was it accessible? I told him it was and he dashed off. A moment or two later, he came back. This time he asked about my choice of printing paper – pink if you must know. And then he asked, wait for it, was I dyslexic? I looked at him a bit stunned. He explained that people with dyslexia read more effectively from coloured paper. The funny thing is, I actually am slightly dyslexic, so I was quite interested in what he had to say. Then he told me he was off the British Library but maybe he’d see me tomorrow and off he toddled. How funny!
Oh, and I always get asked about being left handed. Everyone’s always got something to say about that. My favourite is, “you wouldn’t know your right mind.” Too right!
Conversation Extenders
A personal favourite of mine which no-one ever asks, for reasons I don’t understand, is any variation of the ‘Highlight’ Question. It’s simple and deadly, and usually most effective with someone you know, even just a little bit.
“What was the best thing about your day/week/month/year?”
Or any variation on ‘How’s life?’
“We’ve got so much to catch up on. What’s been happening with you?”
“It’s been ages. What’s been going on?”
“You look fantastic! How have you been?”
Here’s Proof: Asking the most obvious thing is the most effective
True Story: I was waiting for my train one wet and woeful Wednesday when I was hit on by a couple of Aussies. Their opener was: “You are the hottest woman we’ve seen in London. You are truly stunning.” All right, then I made that up. What they really said was, “Does this train go to Paddington?” A straightforward question which invited a straightforward answer, but one that turned into a ten minute fun-filled banter. Evidence that all you need to do is try. Lose the fear and flirt anyway!
Often I’m asked, ‘Yes, but what happens then?’ To which I say, play it by ear. If she’s up for a chat, great! If not, too bad. The goal isn’t to marry her. It’s merely to practice. If you manage to get a number (or a date) out of it, then well done you! If not, you know the drill, get on the bus Gus!
Dating IQ…What NOT To Use As An Opener
Anything that starts with ‘Have you ever had a full lesbian experience…?’ is guaranteed to get her attention, but may not get the response you were hoping for! Definitely preferable to start with a low-fi approach. And if things do take off, don’t lose your nerve and go into excruciating detail about your phone plan, card tricks, skate-board techniques, Dungeons & Dragons, or how you fixed your computer – we don’t care! Do however go into detail about the trip you took into the forest to chop down wood for your log fire, we’ll be impressed. Even better if you can casually manage an invite where you will casually split said log in half and stoke the fire, in our presence. That’ll do it!
Yes, But What Do I Say?
If your ice-breaker takes you through to second base and she’s keen to hang about, then great, so far, so fabulous; now you just have to keep her interest. And then, it happens; after a promising start, all high energy and seductive smiles, you can’t think of a damn thing to say! So what do you say? How about we look at what not to say, like asking the tragically predictable: “So, what do you do?”
I know it’s a social norm but, I’m sorry, it’s the biggest conversation killer of all. This is a social occasion and it’s meant to be fun – don’t make it all about work! It doesn’t matter how much you love your job, or how much she loves hers, you’re not there to recite your CV, or bang on and on about the day-job. Whether we realise it or not, we do go to a weird place when we talk about our jobs, and without realising we revert back to our 9-5 selves, which is a pretty good way to yank anybody right out of the seduction setting! You could argue that women are extremely interested in what you do, and I accept that. And maybe you think your profession is your biggest draw card, but I would argue that no matter how sexy your job, you’re always better off to play it down and stick to general topics. I personally think there’s something way cool about guys who do impressive jobs for a living but don’t go on and on about them. By all means tell the lady what you do and enquire as to what she does, but then get the job thing out of the way and switch the subject to something FUN. Find that common ground if it’s the last thing you do. And if it turns out that its work related, that’s OK, just try not to let it take over the entire conversation.
What’s She Listening for? She’ll know you’re keen if you:
• Use her name regularly
• Tell her about something fun you’re doing tomorrow night
• Talk about the bands, movies or restaurants you’d like to check out
• Make an effort to talk (not flirt) with her buddies
• Offer to buy her a drink
• Tell her that being single is great, but…
• Give her your phone number
• Ask for her phone number
• Compliment her – on anything at all
Who’s The Donkey? Have A Stash Of ‘I’m Such A Git Stories’
Anyone who can have a laugh at their own expense is irresistible. It shows a hint of vulnerability and self-depreciation which according to recent British studies is a crucial key to seduction. Indeed, our own Russell Brand is the master. So you’re not perfect ‘eh? Who would’ve known? Package it up and put it out there. You’ll get ten points for every conversational nugget you whip out that’s even mildly embarrassing.
Right then, off you go…
I was such a git to my boss today
I was such a git to my little brother
I was such a git to my mum
I was such a git to the bouncer
I was such a git to the parking cop
I was such a git to the police
More Git Fun...
I realised I had mismatched shoes on – after I left home today!
I ate Garlic Prawns for lunch today. Ooops!
Apologies in advance for my appearance. I forgot to shave for the past 3 months!
Name Game: What’s My Name?
Making a conscious decision to remember names is pretty basic stuff, but surprisingly few people actually do it. Using this mnemonics technique will help.
Once you’ve been introduced to someone, stop for a second and look them in the eye while you absorb their name. Then think of someone else you know with that name, visualise them, and link the two names together, saying it to yourself three times. If you don’t know anyone with the same name, use an object or a rhyme, or a rude word if it takes your fancy. So if her name is ‘Anita’, she becomes ‘All Nighter’ while Jen becomes ‘Gem’. It might seem silly but it works. Apply this technique to facts and information as well by using funny images as mental reminders. Take pride in your ability to remember names, faces and facts and you’ll stand out in the crowd because you may well be the only one who’s bothered!
But wait, how are you going on the Personality Scale? Have you:
• Made her laugh?
• Ordered the drinks?
• Asked lots of questions?
• Listened for the answers?
• Carried your share of the conversation?
• Kept your facial expression tuned to ‘interested!’
Of course there will be days you don’t feel like flirting, but do it anyway and just see how you go. You might be surprised how much better you feel once it clicks in. If it doesn’t, you don’t have to beat yourself up about it. Just go home and read a good book, preferably mine.
Dodgy Pick-up Lines
Now that we’ve considered the thinking man’s approach and looked at the good stuff, the wise and witty openers and ice-breakers that do work, let’s look at the really bad stuff.
Don’t even think about stepping out with a fistful of woeful pick-up lines, because make no mistake mister, you will go down. Over the years I’ve surveyed thousands of women who overwhelmingly agree that pick-up lines are the lowest of the low. Some things just won’t cut it and I’m afraid this is one of them.. It doesn’t matter how clever or original you think they are, they will come across for exactly what they are, second-hand one-liners, and nine times out of ten, they will go horribly, tragically wrong, and you will get the silent treatment, or maybe even a slap because sadly for you, she’s not stupid, and she won’t fall for it.
On top of that, you’ll be so anxious about how to manage the delivery of your crappy one-liner that you’ll screw it up anyway. Or, if you do manage to raise a laugh, it’s because you’re a brilliantly gifted comedian; or we’re absolutely stonkered – either way, it’s a short lived victory. If you still choose to go ahead, don’t say you weren’t warned!
The same goes if you approach a woman with all your swagger, bravado and charm, and dish out phoney compliments like they’re mints, she will smell a rat. She’ll also figure if you’re like that with her, you’re doing the same with every hot babe you meet along the way. So if you vow to wow with a fake brand of showmanship, all I can say is – don’t. You’re only kidding yourself.
The point is to be YOURSELF. You don’t have to pile it on to impress us, because it’s not about that. If we get the ESSENCE of you and we like it – we will like you. It’s that simple. We just need to see beyond the bullshit.
Negging
Are you familiar with this ‘negging’ business? It’s a reverse psychology gimmick that says men should pay women a backhanded compliment so that she feels insecure and turns her full attention on the bloke in a bid to win back his affections, sort of like begging for approval. Say the bloke says: ‘I like your nails. Are they false? The woman is supposed to drop to her knees and plead for his attention. Brilliant isn’t it? The thing is women are awake to this bizarre practice. That’s why it doesn’t work, not on sassy women anyway.
The practice of negging only serves to make women feel intimidated and awful, and nine times out of ten, they will just want to get away as fast as possible. Anyway, what kind of loser can’t genuinely compliment a woman for god’s sake? Is it really that hard that you have to make the girl cry before you make a move on her? Of course if you pick on the most insecure woman in the world, it might work. Otherwise you’ll just remind us of the school-yard bully. It’s the same kind of mentality isn’t it? Where little boys pulled little girls pigtails to make us cry and then tried to kiss us! Seriously, whichever way you look at it, dreary chat-up lines and silly mind-games are not the way forward.
Word of Warning: don’t try any of the following!
• I love you in that outfit. You look like an expensive hooker. (Ouch!)
• I’m gonna’ keep drinking while you still look good.(WTF?!)
• I like your friend, is she coming tonight? (Slap)
• I love your lipstick. Especially the way you wear it on your teeth.(Back off!)
• You look amazing since you lost weight (Watch it Bozo)
The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
There is no such thing as a good pick up line, and while some of them are so bad they’re hilarious, others border on the sublimely ridiculous:
• I love that star shaped ring; it reminds me of the stars in your eyes. (Ewgh!)
• I like your belt. (Where do you go from there!?)
• I love the way you look in that top (Erm)
• Are you a model? (You’re kidding right!!)
• What’s your favourite side of the bed? (Huh?)
• You look like the twin of the woman who broke my heart (Puke!)
• I like your legs, what time do they open for business? (WT..?)
At a pinch, you might get away with:
• You’ve got the best laugh I ever heard! (Excellent!)
• I could listen to you talk all night long (Nice!)
• Your arms are so toned, you must work out! (Good)
• Are we flirting yet? (Straight out of the Russell Brand school of flirting)
You ask her ‘what do you call a karate kickin’ pig.
She says: `A Pork Chop!’ And bam, you’re in!
Mixed Wires
You know that feeling, when there’s someone you don’t know very well, but you fancy them and from there it’s all downhill. The nerves kick in, you feel weird, you can’t think of a thing to say and you seem to constantly shoot yourself in the foot. Here’s a real life example from someone, let’s call her Kate, because that’s her name, about her experience. One spring day she was sitting looking really nice and perky, when this bozzo (her term) comes up to her and says:
“Will you do just one thing for me? SMILE!”
Her response was to give him an icy glare (her usual angry pout) and respond with:
“I only smile when I find something amusing to smile about. Your pathetic comedic attempt is funny in a tedious way, but not THAT funny”.
Ouch!
But the problem, she admitted afterwards, was that even though she actually liked him, she had no way of letting him know after he blew it with his too-cool-for-school opener.
“Sure I fancy him, but he pissed me off” she said, “So where did that leave me?”
The moral of the story is that being a feisty woman and all, she would rather miss out, than let him get away with being cocky. Why? Female Pride, why else!
But what did he do that was so wrong? It’s just like she said – his attempt at humour was right off the mark, it just killed it for her. ‘Bozzo’ needed to think it through first and try something that was going to work with Kate’s prickly personality. There are too many conversation killers which have exactly the same effect.
Take the line:
“I may not be Barney Rubble, but I’ll bet I know how to make your bed rock”
May raise a chuckle, but where do you go from there?!
Likewise:
“I want to discover everything about you right from when you were a little girl. (Please. You don’t even know me).
Or,
“I forgot my phone number, can I have yours? (Ever so cheesy but if you’ve got a GSOH you might get away with it)
Or,
“You’re the most beautiful girl in the room tonight” (At which point she immediately turns to count how many women there are in the room)
Or,
You remind me of a young ….” (Insert token movie star) It’s cringeful when you know you don’t really look like Kate Moss!)
Plus a billion variations in-between.
The outcome is always the same, there’s that awkward eye-rolling moment where she bites her tongue because she doesn’t necessarily want to tell you to sod off, but at the same time, it’s a case of grin and bear it while she figures out her escape hatch and then BOLTS breaking all manner of world sprinting records!
What Women Want
During the Friday night flirting forays I see attempts at all kinds of approaches, and just as many aborted efforts. It’s so easy to miss the connection because of communication break-downs, and because people won’t open their mouth and say something. Anything!
Vanessa is a 33-year-old blonde who literally bubbles over with personality. She showed a LOT of promise during the early part of the night. That was before we stepped out to the bars, but then, the minute the pressure was on, her momentum just stalled. The funny thing is, she’s a completely natural flirt to whom the feminine wiles come easily.
I set Vanessa couple of challenges, one involved going up to a random guy and asking for the time. She couldn’t do it. She literally could not make herself turn to the bloke on her immediate left and ask what the time was. And no, she wasn’t wearing a watch! The girl who’d started off as bubbly and confident at the start of the night had turned into a trembling wreck.
As I dug a little deeper, it turned out that Vanessa had been badly hurt in the past. Now she just clammed up in front of guys. It didn’t matter if she fancied them or not, if a guy came within spitting distance she would just shut down. It’s girls like Vanessa who actually know how to flirt, but they won’t, because they’re scared. Scared of meeting someone new and getting hurt all over again; so they keep their cards to their chest. No problem with that, everyone’s got their own survival instinct, but I did wonder why she was out on a Flirting Mission! Hopefully it helped (although I can’t say I saw much evidence of it on the night). Well like I always say, you can’t win ‘em all!
The point is that Vanessa needs to sort herself out and not worry too much about this flirting lark until she’s out of recovery mode. In the meanwhile, you need to not worry about the Vanessa’s and look over yonder for someone who’s more appreciative! Someone like Sharna…
Sharna is 28 and cute and perky and boy, does she have an opinion on everything! That’s why I was surprised that during our Girls Night Out she was happy to watch, rather than get into it. Her take on it was: ‘Why on earth would you approach someone just for the sake of it?’ Fair enough.
That’s only the whole point of the night!
The funny thing was that she really went for it on the dance floor; but as much as she SAID she enjoyed it, she hardly smiled or chatted to anyone all night, except for when she was dancing but then she was in her own little world which made it difficult for anyone to connect with her – not just the guys! Eventually, after much prodding and persuading, she came around to the idea that yes, we were meant to be having fun, so why not initiate a conversation with a random guy? Here’s what happened. She went up to this guy who was sitting down and asked him – if her bag could have a rest on his chair – which I thought was really cute and quirky.
Unfortunately though, either the guy wasn’t interested, or it was too subtle, either way, he didn’t get it. So that was that. There was no chance of any further conversation. But let me put the question to you old chap – if that was you, and this super cute girl came up and asked to put her bag on the back of your chair – would you get that she wanted to chat? Or that she was making an effort to connect with you? Surely you would! I mean yes it’s subtle, I get that, but for Pete’s sake, if you liked the look of her, and she was being friendly, you’d talk to her right, without thinking too hard about it?
I hope so
Because when I use the expression ‘drop the white hanky’ that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Sharna dropped it but the guy didn’t pick it up. End of. And for a girl like Sharna, who typically wouldn’t say boo to anyone all night, it was a pretty brave thing to do. At least she was trying. What about you? Are you trying hard enough?
32-year-old Ann-Marie looked stunning the night she came out to Flirt Shimmy. She oozed natural charm and all the assets. The effect of her va-va voom cleavage and red glossy lips was a winner, but as she herself pointed out, she needed to learn to ‘work it’ – often easier said than done. Ann-Marie wanted to improve her skills, and was aware she needed a top-up. That’s the reason she found herself out with me.
Things started off well with her being all warm and fuzzy and buzzing here and there. But as the night progressed, she took more of a backseat role; a temptation for so many who don’t fancy being assertive when it comes to this business. After a while she just shut down completely and sat back just taking it all in. Blame it on the chemistry; blame it on the competition, blame it on the full moon – who knows what the problem was, that’s not the point, there are a lot of reasons that people won’t put themselves out there but what I’m interested to know is what happens when YOU encounter someone like that?
Do you could assume that they’re not ‘in the game’ as it were? Because if you spotted Anne-Marie, or anyone like her, I can pretty much guarantee there would be no incentive to approach. Her body language is closed. She’s not smiling or looking your way. And even if you do manage to get her attention, she refuses to catch your eye. She’s just sat back with her arms folded watching…The problem is you fancy her, so do you risk it?
Of course it’s not ideal, far from it, but for the moment, whilst Ann-Marie deals with her demons, that’s the way it is. And time and time again you will come across women who look for all the world like they’re not up for being approached but it’s deceptive, because under the tough surface they’re generally as soft as marshmallow but while their body language screams Don’t Even Think About It! you’ve not got much incentive to approach! But let me ask you this, if you spot someone like Anne-Marie, and you think she’s cute, could you in your wildest dreams force yourself to make an approach anyway? Clearly if you did you would need the hide of an elephant, because it could go either way.
But if you did manage to build up your confidence and find the courage to venture over, there is a very good chance that she will be delighted to chat. Because in spite of her apparent lack of interest, Ann-Marie is very single and very actively wanting to date. And the truth is she doesn’t really like sitting alone missing out on all the action. She’s just lousy at advertising it.
This is one of those Go-Fer-It situations where taking a risk and making an approach – green light or not – might be the best thing you ever did. If not, easy come; easy go.
Clarishta was someone I’d met before, and on this hot August night she was completely up for it. And wow, did she look the part. Her glossy, toffee coloured hair shimmering atop her coffee coloured shoulders, her teeth whiter than humanely possible, she was all aglow. She had no problems when it came to making an approach either and she initiated chats with a couple of different guys right off the bat. The interesting thing was that while it seemed to start off swimmingly, there was a hiccup. The conversation kept stalling whenever she paused and left it up to the guy to keep things going. Both times he dropped the ball and refused to take the lead. What the…! So with nowhere left to go, Clarishta made her excuses and left. I don’t blame her!
So here’s another question for you – if someone approaches you, do you expect her to take charge of everything? Is she then expected to keep the conversation going, buy the drinks and ask for your number? Please tell me it’s not so!
Whatever the reasons, Clarishta came away concluding that even when she went right up to someone with a big smile and made it easy, they still didn’t come through with the goods!! Not fair guys! If we lob the ball in your direction, and you like what you see, you’ve got to run with it, otherwise you’re not keeping your part of the bargain!
I’m telling you this because at some point you will encounter variations of all the girls we’ve spoken about. No doubt you have already. And while they’re all sweet and adorable – they have issues. Who doesn’t? We all do, and we do our best to deal with them. But for the most part, it’s a case of perception versus reality. You think someone wouldn’t be arsed talking to you. They think it would be great to talk to anyone, if only someone would come over and say `hi!’
It’s up to you to make a judgement call and detect whether a situation is worth pursuing. Likewise, you’ve got to instinctively know when that ball is being lobbed in your court and you’ve got to smash it back. Start practicing those serves!
New Kid On The Kop
Now that you are set to become the King of Kong-versation, you need to get up the hours of practice required. Who will you practice on and where will you go?
Describe the areas you need to work on and how you will go about that e.g. I can be awkward when it comes to starting a conversation but I’m going to try chatting with new people. Once I’ve done it a few times, I think I’ll be fine. I’m going to try one of those approaches on a random stranger and hope for the best!
What techniques are you willing to try and what changes do you hope to see? I’ll go out with different groups of people more since I find when I go out with my friends we don’t talk to anybody new, ever!
What can you do immediately to open up more chatting opportunities? I’d like to give Speed-dating a go. I’ve never tried it and always been curious.
How will you incorporate the practice ‘chat’ sessions into your day-to-day? I’ll spend less time with my regular drinking buddies and try to spend more time with new people I’m still getting to know.
To summarise let’s look at the Key Points
• Concentrate on sharpening your communication skills
• Practice asking a stranger something, anything!
• Create a Tool-Kit from which you can pull jokes and party tricks
In a Nutshell? Be the person who gets noticed and remembered.
Challenges
• Improve your communication skills
• Go out of your way to have great conversation
• Practice the skill of listening
• Try the Tag Question technique at every opportunity
• Dish out the compliments
KPIs: Assess Your Progress
• Made any new approaches? (Y/N)
• Tried any different approach techniques? (Y/N)
• Struck up any conversations beyond ‘Hello’? (Y/N)
• Practiced chatting to anyone and everyone? (Y/N)
• Dished out any compliments? (Y/N)
• Settled into the habit of using and memorising names? (Y/ )N
Mantra: Work your charm from the minute you leave home. Think Lights,Camera, Action!
Checklist
• Commitment
• Enthusiasm
• Confidence
What To Do Tonight…Task #1
Get the party started by approaching a random stranger. Go to any of the locations mentioned and find a reason to ask someone something specific, even if it’s simply for directions. If you’re feeling brave, road-test a few Ice-Breakers as well, and see if you have any luck opening up the conversational channels. Once you’ve completed the task, and you feel comfortable with making further approaches, you’ll be ready to graduate to the meaty stuff. Here’s the plan:
• Approach up to three strangers, one at a time.
• Prepare ahead for what you will say and who might you encounter.
• Start with the basics, smile and ask anything relevant:
Excuse me, could you tell me where is the nearest tube/bus stop/cab rank (fill in the blank)
You may question the point of randomly approaching a stranger with an inane query, but you will find as the week’s progress and the challenges get harder that this is a necessary starting point. It goes without saying, you will need to use your imagination and above all, be ballsy. The success of these tasks depends on your input and imagination. Most importantly you have to get off the sofa and go to places where opportunities will open up.
Q & A
I’m OK once I get started, but I have no idea what to say when I go up to someone cold. Any suggestions…?
Size up your environment and find the common ground. Be as observant as you can to find relevant things to talk about. Look around you and pay attention, what are the props? Where is your ammo? Refer the Ice-Breakers in the section above and come up with your own. Go out and practice when it doesn’t matter, so you’re good to go when it does. If all else fails, simply go over and introduce yourself. Women love a man with confidence. Try it. What’s the worst thing that can happen?
I’ve read that it’s best to ask questions but then I never get to say any of the good stuff about me.
The good news is you’re halfway there. Asking questions is great, but all too often I hear feedback from women who never get to find out anything if they’re the ones getting asked all the questions. The key is to find a balance. Remember the Tag Questions we talked about earlier? Where you reveal something and then open the question out, for instance: I’m having roast lunch at my local on Sunday. What about you? What are your plans?”
I never know what to do when there’s that horrible pause in a conversation. Where are you supposed to go from there?
At ease Captain! The worst thing about those moments is how bad they seem to you. It’s never really that bad. If you relax and let yourself go with it, you might find the pauses are the most useful part of a conversation. It’s a chance for everyone to catch their breath. Give it a few seconds to see where it goes, and if nothing develops, feel free to change direction. Make a joke of it with a brisk, “Moving right along!” Ask about her plans for the day, evening, weekend, whatever. It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about, so long as it’s her favourite subject – herself!
1 It goes without saying that women can be very guilty of this – and you probably don’t like it either!