Step 4
Building Your Dating Profile
Psycho Sexual Admin
So here we are then...with you, the leading man, in the starring role. You have a central part, the central part. The only thing that matters from now on, is that you enjoy all this. If you genuinely get a kick out of chatting and flirting, and you can do that without being a sex-pest, then you’re halfway there. But if you find it all a bit of a struggle, and you see girls as some kind of three-headed alien life-form, there are ways to improve your situation – so long as you’re up for the challenge. It’s never too late to learn the tools and rules of how to charm someone and make them laugh. We’re talking about the ability to come across as a nice bloke with a lovely smile. It’s not that complicated.
Thanks to the training courses and classes I run, I come across all kinds of girls – beautiful, bashful, baffling and complicated – mainly complicated girls. What I’ve found in dealing with these complex creatures (besides having the job you want ) is that you never know what you’re dealing with until you get to know someone… But generally speaking, when it comes to what Her Royal Hotness is looking for in a man, it’s pretty basic.
You should be confident, charming and courteous, someone who makes her think: “Cor, I wouldn’t mind a bit of that!” To be a cool guy who makes everyone laugh. Once others meet you, they will want to get to know you more. You will have good taste...in films, food, fashion – and you will love puppies and kittens. Every woman will secretly wish she was with you because you don’t take yourself too seriously...and because you put the fun in mental – you’re fundamental! Mostly because you’re not scared of, you know, the emotional stuff...but mainly because you’re sweet and considerate and you know how to make us feel like The Only Girl In The World. In your own quirky way, with all your bumpy imperfections – you are perfect. And perfectly entitled to the most whopping romance of the century, which is of course why you’re here.
This is where you knuckle down and focus on what you’re looking for. If it is simply that you have a great job, great friends and great family, but there’s just one thing missing – and that is a W-O-M-A-N – someone with whom you can have a giggle and a bit of slap and tickle; someone who you can take away on mini-breaks – then I get that. But, rather than feeing all sad about your WFS: Woefully Freakin’ Single status, you might find you benefit from doing some self-analysis. So, let’s take a step back.
In the following pages I’ve set some assignments and tasks which can be carried out in whichever way works best for you, but I strongly advise you do them, however cringe-worthy they feel. And yes, I know that wading through self-reflective work can be excruciating, but I for one, would be very interested to know how you get on. Certainly if you came to see me for a face-to-face consultation at Dating HQ, it’s the very first thing I would ask you to do.
The fantastic thing about doing this stuff is that by writing things down in black and white, you’re giving yourself a chance to see what’s going on – or what’s going wrong. Looking back will allow you to see more clearly, those instances where you’ve hit the jackpot, and the dividends have been amazing. But more importantly where you crashed and burned. From there, you will be better positioned to figure out the reasons behind it and hopefully avoid any repeat sucker-punches.
Moreover, it’s a good way to spot negative patterns with past relationships in a bid to steer clear of them in the future. To do this successfully, you need to come from a position of strength and focus on what you’ve got to offer. We’ll start with how you perceive yourself, right now at this point of your life. This is important stuff since what you believe to be true about yourself, is a by-product of the way you come across to others. It might not be the easiest thing to do, but rest assured, the deeper you look and the more you squirm – the better.
It doesn’t help that life in the 21st Century is tough – really tough. We live in busy, overcrowded cities filled with uncertainty and dark forces. The population of singles is bigger than ever before. Based on numbers alone, the pursuit of romance should be easier, but it’s not. That’s because we’ve lost faith in one of the most elemental things – trust in human beings. I’m writing this literally days after the British riots. What the f*** has happened to our society? And how does that impact on our romantic lives? As if it wasn’t hard enough already!
Added to that, a reported one in every two marriages in this country ended in divorce in recent years – one in every two!! Getting together and having the happy ever after is not the most straightforward thing, and it’s not easy for anyone. No matter whether you’re single, married or in a relationship. As Chezza Cole said: ‘You’ve got to fight, fight, fight, fight for this love.’
And who really knows what stops us from being the dating demon we’d love to be. We’re only human and we all sabotage ourselves at some level, some of us more than others. If you have a habit of screwing up all the great opportunities that come your way, and you’re able to admit to it, you need to unearth the reasons and deal with them. There’s no room for persecution complexes here. If you’ve got a victim mentality you’ve got to lose it. Before you can lose it, you’ve got to figure out why you’ve got it. Repeat after me: ‘I am NOT an emotional terrorist!’
But hang about, since this step is all about shaking up your confidence, overcoming confusion conspiracy theories, and getting to the stage where you’re ready to step out on some practice dates, we’ll need to address a few preliminary issues, all about you. So before we get down to the nitty-gritty of what to look for, and how to respond when it comes to the flirting femmes, it’s time to figure out how best to manage your expectations, otherwise how else will you get on top of them?
Likewise if you are naturally reluctant to open up about your life, and the idea of sharing your shortcomings is not something that comes naturally, then I’d like to ask you to stop and have a think about who you can trust as a confidante. If there is someone that comes to mind, consider talking to them about those areas in which you could do with some guidance. If not, consider getting a professional option; there are crisis lines available for this kind of thing available 24/7. We all need a different perspective from time to time and a second opinion provides just that. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Knowledge is power. It’s also a good starting point. But enough of the love fest, let’s go in search of a little self-knowledge!
Romance Resume
A key part of the psycho-sexual reinvention is to draw up a Romantic CV – a précis of your dating experience if you like. The point is that sometimes you need to look back in order to move forward. By summarising the details of your PRH: Personal Romantic History, you stand to gain a better understanding of yourself, a good point from which to set your learning compass. It’s also a way to kick-start the self-analysis and learn a thing or two about yourself, your philosophies and principles, and the way you come across to the world. Or perhaps more importantly how you could come across if you upgraded your psycho-sexual skills. Consider this your personal mind-map from which you join the dots to get to the next spot.
And when you think about it, why wouldn’t you take a strategic approach to romance? You almost certainly didn’t depend on random chances to get where you are with your career. I’ll bet that wherever field you are in and whatever job you’re doing right now, it’s the result of intelligently plotted strategies, tactics and hard work. Eh? So of course it makes sense to adapt this approach to kick-start your love life.
Let’s start with your romantic situation, what’s happening with it right now, as in today? Are you seeing anyone? A FWB: Friend with Benefits perhaps? Or an old flame whose clutches you can’t escape? Is there someone on whom you have a crush – nothing more, nothing less? Or, have you been loveless and looking for so long, that frankly you’re over it?
Now ask yourself this: What’s the big attraction for a relationship? Company? Companionship? Access to cuddles 24/7? Or is it the thought of sex for breakfast, lunch and tea? Moreover, does the lack of sex make you feel dizzy? If so, what are the reasons you crave sex so badly? Is it simply to fulfil a biological need? Or is it more about the inevitable ego-boost? Does sex translate to emotion in your world? What about your self-worth? Do you think that having a woman by your side will validate you and your life will magically become more interesting and fun?
If that is the case, you might want to rethink it.
Think about what you’ve learnt about yourself during the course of past relationships, and those things you’d like to change. Now ask yourself where you see yourself in the romantic stakes? Where would you like to be in the next six months, twelve months and beyond? Are you ready to identify and build upon your weaknesses? If the answer is yes, then you have to be clear about the areas you need to work on. The next step is to record your romantic history and the repeat patterns that resulted in destructive outcomes.
In identifying your goals and going after them, you need to access your confidence reserves. Since we’re speeding towards our very own 2012 Olympics, let’s look at how the Olympian superstars do it. Clearly every waking moment focused on the key goal. Every breath they take and every choice they make, from what they eat, to the hours they sleep, what they drink and how they think, is motivated by the overwhelming desire to win. In order to get to the stage where your every choice is governed by the end goal, we need to look at self-esteem and self-confidence, both of which are crucial to the end result.
The C Word: Topping Up Your Confidence
“Oh, just be yourself and everything will be fine!” Is what we hear from the experts when it comes to how to manage make or break situations. But it’s hard to be “yourself” when you’re in a blind panic isn’t it? And how are you supposed to be confident and be yourself at the same time? As anyone who’s been on the wrong end of a bad job interview or the date from hell can testify, it can be tricky. So what is self-confidence? And how can you apply it to the ‘be yourself’ theory?
The amount of self-confidence you have is a direct link to how successful you see yourself. If you have made bad decisions and acted in ways where you have been unsuccessful, it normally follows that you will feel less confident. If your confidence has been battered, it will affect the way you approach things. Perhaps there was a time when you went for jobs only to be rejected again and again. If that happened to you, it’s likely that after a time you started doubting yourself. You probably beat yourself up and blamed yourself for every little thing that went wrong in the interview process. Gradually it niggled away at you and started to eat away at your confidence. After a while things built up to the point where you began to carry those fears around everywhere with you, effectively sabotaging yourself – and not just in the job situation, but every situation, whether it was making new friends or chatting up women.
Self-confidence is your belief in your skills and abilities to do things and kick goals. It’s fed by those things you do – whether that’s sports prowess, business acumen or your ability to clean-up on the dance-floor. It can be measured by the way you feel in your day-to-day life. Are you Happy, Grumpy, Dopey or Bashful? Are you grateful for the highs you experience and glad to be alive? Or are you one of these people who only gets worked up about the stuff that really pisses you off, and forgets about the good stuff? Or worse, is never satisfied with what you see in the mirror? If that’s the case, and your emotional range is restricted to a range of disappointment, hostility and self-loathing – and we’ve all been victims of from time to time – then you need to work on building your self-esteem.
It’s important to differentiate between self-confidence and self-esteem because while your self-confidence may appear strong on the surface, underneath, your self-esteem could be in tatters. In other words, even though you might feel perfectly fine with what you’ve ‘achieved’ in life, it doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t feel good from the ‘inside’.
Self-esteem provides the foundations and feeds your self-confidence. It’s how you feel about yourself on a deeper level, or how much self-worth, or self-love you feel. In order to have a healthy tank of self-esteem, you need a strong sense of self-worth. That means you need to top up in those areas which make you feel loved and cared for, and tap into the good stuff, the stuff that is real. That could mean resolving a situation which has resulted in you feeling isolated, or simply reaching out to family and friends, or somebody that you trust.
It’s like the T-Shirt says: “It’s what’s inside that counts.”
Alpha Dog vs. The Shy Guy
When I talk about self-confidence, I’m not talking about your personality type. It’s got nothing to do with whether you’re a brash, brazen shouty-mouth type, or the shy type. What matters is how confident you feel within YOURSELF and how you project that.
And so what if you’re shy? Just because somebody is louder than you, or they ‘act’ more confident, it doesn’t mean they are. Insecurities have a way of affecting our personas, the image we put out to the world, with the outcome that we often keep our real selves, hidden behind a façade.
If you’re hiding behind a mask and pretending to be someone you’re not, or dishing out a constant stream of wisecracks and dripping in sarcasm banter, eventually that will come across. Likewise if you genuinely believe in yourself and you are self-assured, regardless of whether you say or do the wrong thing, then that will come across as genuine confidence.
We’ve all met the Oh-So-Confident Sammy Suave guy. He’s the one who fancies himself the ladies man and likes to think he’s all clued up about this seduction lark. He is dripping in attentiveness while he flatters senselessly and attempts to charm the ladies pants off. His alligator grin is always at the ready and he’s poised to attack. His primed like a beady-eyed hawk watching for the signals. He automatically assumes every woman is waiting for him to hit on her. He can be very cocky and convincing to get his point across, or VERY, VERY LOUD.
Why is it always the turkey-cocking guys who use arrogance to cover insecurities? Arrogance doesn’t equate to self assurance, if anything, it makes him look like a greedy, needy prat who was bullied at school. The louder Mr. Shouty Crackers, the bigger the turn off. So don’t be falling for the widely sprouted theory that women prefer Alpha Dogs, it’s not the case at all. Most women are clued up enough to know that the OTT guys, the players and the el-smootho’s, come with their own set of challenges. If he’s sniffing around them like a dog on heat, he’s probably doing the same with everyone in a skirt.
What Makes Sammy Suave Stand Out In A Crowd?
• The relentless obnoxious remarks
• The incessant ogling at our breasticles and pawing at our clothes
• The ‘Come Party On My Face’ T-shirt
Charlie Sheen, stand aside!
Then there’s his opposite number: The Shy Guy, with his cute, crooked smile. In conversation he blinks rapidly as he wonders what the hell-o to say. In the heat of the moment he may be pathologically clueless especially when it comes to making a move. To make matters worse, he might be licking his wounds from the last violent apprehension he got when he so much as smiled at someone and was bitch-slapped so hard and so fast, he swore he’d never go there again. Understandably he’s nervous about making an approach again. Ever!
Let’s say you’re that shy guy, not so extreme, but enough that you’re lurking in the back stalls avoiding the spotlight. You might be a lightweight when it comes to verbal delivery and blowing your own trumpet, but in reality, you’re the one with the backbone of steel, the silent but deadly dynamo, the elusive powerhouse – they say it’s the quiet ones you have to watch. If that’s the case, you’ve got to find a way to let your personality shine through – shy or not!
I’m not one to underestimate the debilitating effect shyness can have, I know only too well it can be crippling. But if you can manage to overcome your nerves enough to have a laugh, and open up to us, we won’t mind at all. There’s nothing off-putting about your mild mannered personality, so long as your shyness isn’t mistaken for aloofness or arrogance. The secret is to not to let it become such a big deal. We will only put you in the too hard basket if you are so painfully shy that you can’t work up the courage to talk to us. Especially if you are so bedazzled by our sassy looks and charm that you fail to make any sense; and strange, muffled noises come out of your mouth in place of words. That could be tricky.
If you’re shy, then by all means be shy, but own it. Don’t let your shyness stop you from living your life and having a laugh. If you the moment is right, and your chemistry is crackling but the words aren’t happening, just put it out there. Be honest. Tell us you’re having a Frank Spencer moment and feeling a bit erm, awkward. Tell us it’s not your thing to be out and about chatting up the ladies. Where’s the harm? If anything we’ll appreciate it because it shows us that you’re not a Del boy, a dodgy geezer or a conman.
‘Slow And Steady Wins The Race’ Said Mr. Tortoise
Many women, particularly successful, sassy women, sometimes known as Alpha Women, go for the quiet guys. That’s because opposites attract. We’re not necessarily looking for someone whose personality mirrors our own. The more outgoing we are, the more likely we are to favour a low-key partner, or vice versa.
I can’t speak for everyone, but if we see ourselves as a real go-getter, we might not exactly be over excited by the prospect of being with someone with the same go-getting characteristics as ourselves, that can be exhausting! Especially if we’ve already had the experience of being with someone just like us, and found it to be the most god-awful thing ever! And yes, I am talking from experience. That’s the best thing about past relationships – they show us what we don’t want!
I’m reminded here of an ancient episode on Seinfeld, where Jerry got engaged to the character played by Janeane Garofalo. Her character was the identikit female version of him which is why he fell for her hard. It started out all peachy, but then it got really creepy and the two of them ended up freaking each other out. Just like in real life!!
Given the choice, we might well find we prefer to be with someone from whom we can learn new tricks. Someone who can help us stop and smell the roses and offer a life view refreshingly differently to ours. That’s exciting! So don’t think that just because you don’t display your manliness in the traditional hairy-bummed-ape way, that women won’t appreciate you. Well not all women obviously, but the sensitive, intelligent ones – clearly I’m including myself here.
That’s my cue to get up on my pedestal and shout out to anyone who’ll listen, it’s the guys sitting on the side-lines, in reserve, they’re the good guys, THEY’RE THE KEEPERS. So for all the shy guys who think they’re not good enough, loud enough, or ballsy enough – this one’s for you. At the end of the day if someone doesn’t like you for who you are, they can sod off!
But suppose you secretly wish you were a bad boy because ‘that’s what women want?’ Or so you’ve heard. Do you bemoan the fact that your friends are always saying, “You’re too nice.” Are you inclined to agree? Well be that as it may, you are simply being yourself. You can’t go changing your personality to become a cliché of what women supposedly want! That would be destructive and dangerous. And stupid!
If high-school taught you nothing except the idea that the bad guys are the cool guys, the popular guys, and as a result, the guys who get all the sex, then of course there will be times when you’ve felt your personality was never going to cut it. Particularly if you weren’t into games and the whole, ‘treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen’ carry on. But whatever your personality, there’s more to you than the jack the lad good-egg, we’ve all got a dark side. And, here’s the thing – the bad boy stuff is all urban myth. It’s complete and utter fantasy; a romantic cliché. I’m not saying that women don’t go through their bad boy phase, of course we do. It’s exciting and naughty. But then we grow out of it. And we grow up. And want a good man. A real man. A man like you.
Finding The ‘Essence’ Of You
Think about what drives your personality the next time you find yourself in one of those situations where you’re acting spontaneously and passionately, and genuinely having a good time; those times when you feel funny and likeable and popular. Maybe it’s when you’re with family or friends or both – the point is you’re being YOURSELF. You’re doing those things you feel passionate about, or that come naturally to you. It’s very different to those times you find yourself ‘pretending’ to have a good time, but inside you’re stifled by self-monitoring. Or when you’re acting the way you THINK you should act – not the way you would act naturally.
It’s when we drop the façade, or the ‘act’ that all is revealed – and it’s our essence that shines through. That’s the stuff you need to siphon to make your personal life go through the roof. That’s what I mean when I say, ‘Just be yourself’.
Patterns From Your Past
It helps to look at past relationships and the way you feel about the outcomes. Have your past mistakes taught you how to spot Li’l Miss Trouble at a hundred paces? Can you spot the recurring themes and put them into words? What about your impulse to enter into destructive relationships? Do you still get reeled in every time you see a hot babe in a ‘Wanna Be My Sex Slave?’ T-Shirt? And no matter how hard you try, are you unable to kick your ‘bad girl’ addiction? In other words, are you likely to walk back into the same disaster zones?
Think back to your first proper heartbreak, that time when you were momentarily crippled in the carnage. Who broke your heart? Where is she now? Can you move on?? Have you moved on? What’s happened since? Are you over it? Or fuelled by bitterness and confusion? Do you blame yourself for the failure of a past relationship? Or absolutely despise your psychotic knife wielding bitch of an ex – and blame her completely? Or could it be that a busted heart and a few months, or years, of scraping by has made you humble and more human? Perhaps you’re older and wiser, and better at looking things? Do you see the bigger picture and appreciate how the experience bought another dimension into your life?
That brings us to the current day. What’s holding you back in your love life right now? Is it your ex, your work, your weight, your financial situation? Whatever the answers, you need to sort it. Whether that’s making your peace with the previous relationship, or going out for a dirty old rebounder – you owe it to yourself.
In order to get what you want, you need to know what it is. Consider the kind of relationship you’re looking for. Is it a sweet and soppy long-term romance? Or simply something to tide you over until your next move, whether that’s between cities, jobs or even countries? Are you rebounding so hard that you’re only up for Ms Right For Now – a dirty one-night stand at worst, a fast and furious fling at best. Whatever it is, say it out loud.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
What do you see when you look back at your romantic past? Were there ever any instances where you had more success with the women on whom you were less keen? More so than the successes you’ve had with women you pursued really hard? If the answer is yes, that’s because typically the more we fancy someone, the less keen they are. And vice-versa. It’s just the way it is. There is such a thing as wanting something too much. When we want something SO BADLY that we’ll just DIE if we don’t get it – we tend to screw it up.
Likewise if you are desperate for someone to love you with every inch of their body – it’s a turn off. Desperation is never attractive. If there is pure terror behind that fixed smile, it will show. That’s why it’s a good policy to keep your options open and be more relaxed about things! The more easy come, easy go we are, the more we attract good into our lives.
What Makes You A Good Catch?
In order to unearth the billion and one reasons that make you such a great catch, you need to work on your USP – Unique Selling Points. It’s time to put your head down for some hardcore market analysis in order to showcase your best sellers. But first, how do you gauge if you’re a good catch? Moreover, if you’re not convinced of your ‘catch-ability’ how on earth are you going to convince anyone else? These are the questions that YOU need to answer. And there’s no time like the present. We are going to market the absolute hell out of you.
My big brother used to say that guys just want a girl who really liked them. And it’s the exactly the same with girls. But, if you’re looking for an awe-inspiring woman, you need to be pretty awe-inspiring yourself. And you have to spell it out, because here’s the thing, you can punch above your weight all you like, so long as you’ve got the confidence. In other words, if you’re going to up the wager, you’ve got to up the weaponry, and you need to back it up. You’ve got to think in terms of your best qualities – your most saleable qualities. You’ve got to grab your audience and draw them in. You’ve got to be out there wowing them with a capital ‘W’!
So if you think that just like Britain’s funny man, David Walliams you are a clear candidate for a stunning super model girlfriend, then you need to ask yourself – why? What makes you the best boyfriend material in Britain? What is your main draw-card, your secret weapon, your women’s kryptonite – your lady crack?
Think about the parts that make up the sum of you. Are you brilliantly gifted, funny, clever, successful, bookish, powerful, rich – or just incredibly hot? Whatever it is, you need to be clear about it. If it turns out you haven’t won any Godlike Genius Awards lately – no matter, so long as you’re not a sex offender or a war crimes fugitive, you’ll be fine. Just play up the stuff you’re good at.
Mind Candy
What is it that others like about you? I realise that reeling off your best qualities can be easier said than done since everyone is so stingy with compliments these days. As a result as we blossom into adults and forget what makes us so unique and loveable; whether that’s our cheeky smile, profound head of hair, or kissable lips. But, that’s all going to change.
Think back to every compliment you’ve ever had. Go back in time as far as you can and dig around in the recess of your mind. Once you’ve found them, jot those bad boys down. These are the things that make you unique, that define you and make you the individual you are today. Use them to help you focus on the positives. Too much man potential is wrecked because of insecurities, especially those based around physical attributes. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve got acne or you’re overweight – we’ve all got something we hate about ourselves. There’s no point beating yourself up about your shortcomings, the trick is not to dwell on it. What is it the bible says? Accept those things you cannot change...
Personally speaking, I’m not going to beat myself up about not having supermodel looks. I’m happy to study the women I admire for inspiration, but I’m confident enough within myself that I don’t depend on my looks. If anything, I think that truly beautiful girls are disadvantaged because they can become dependent on their looks and forget to develop a personality. Miaow! But, I digress, back to you...
If you’ve been getting compliments about your smile from the age of five, know that you still have that cute smile and flash it at every opportunity! All too often I coach men who sit with the most solemn expression, and then, when they finally relent and crack a smile, I see a whole different person. Their face lights up and their eyes shine – it’s like some kind of magic. So be sure to include every shiny, happy, nice thing anyone has ever said to you – even if it was after you spiked their skinny latte. Joke people!!
Describe what makes you a decent and lovable bloke. And be honest! It’s one thing to embellish the truth, and of course everyone likes to put themselves in the most positive light, but don’t take so much creative licence so that the truth is no longer recognisable! You should be able to reel off your top three strengths and weaknesses right off the bat. And don’t think this is just for the dating arena, it’s handy for job interviews as well; these topics are always up there with recruiters’ favourite questions:
Complete: I’m a great catch because... My last girlfriend said I was. That was before she dumped me!! But that was more about her than me. Because I’m a good guy and I work hard and I’m fun to be around!
Top 5 Strengths?
• Great sense of humour
• I can chat to most people pretty well
• I ‘ve been known to be persuasive
• I’m creative
• And passionate about life
Weaknesses
• I sometimes drink too much
• I mumble!
• I’m easily put off if something looks ‘too hard
• I’m easily distracted
• I lose my nerve
How can you build on the weaknesses?
• E.g. By making a massive effort!
• Socialising more
• Building up my confidence
• Liking myself more!
• Going out more
• Getting in touch with old friends
• Going back to the gym!
What do you like most about your character?
• Determined
• Creative
• Great with kids and animals!
What do you like the least?
• Health issues
• Bad financial situation
• My job!
What Can You Improve In The Short Term?
Write down a few words that best describe you:
Who Am I?
• I’m 26
• I’m single.
• I recently moved away from home to a new city.
• I miss home. But I LOVE being here!
• The opportunities are amazing. But it’s been a hard slog
• I’ve paid for it in the most unexpected ways. Like making my chances of romance harder!
• But I would like to be in a long term relationship. And I’m working on it.
• I have something of a weakness for Essex style tanned brunettes, I would love to cop off with Franzy from work, but she’s not looking all that interested!
Now you do it!
Baggage
If insecurities are affecting you to the point where you’re too terrified to make an approach, because frankly, you’ve been down that road before and it wasn’t pretty – you’ve got to make a decision to let go of the past. Perhaps you haven’t had the opportunity to deal with some major trauma or another, possibly one that you’ve held onto for years. If that’s the case and it’s still lurking in the background, silently haunting you, you need to make a pledge to deal with it. Because otherwise, how are you supposed to get off with someone new, when you’re inwardly haunted by the ghosts of heartbreak and grief?
We all know the importance of moving on, just as we know that too much time spent in victim mode can affect our personalities. But there is a tendency to ignore it or brush it under the carpet. Often we kid ourselves into believing that we’re over a past relationship, whether it was an ill-fated marriage, a fling gone bust, or unrequited lust. Although sometimes what we believe to be true, and the reality, are two very different things. This is the time to confront your past, deal with the crap and make a commitment to let go of any negative reminders – both physical and emotional.
The challenge is to lose the baggage. And by baggage, I’m not talking about the carry-on type; I’m talking about the stuff that keeps you awake at night. The torrid details of the ill-advised one night stand. The negative energy spent wondering did you jump or were you pushed? The shame of knowing that you were being screwed by your ex, in more than one sense of the word.
Then, in the wee small hours of the darkest night when you lie there with your eyes wired open and your mind churning – acknowledge it. And rather than tossing and turning, get up and deal with it. Grab a pen and paper and spew it all out. Then, once you’re done, put it away somewhere safe, go back to sleep and deal with it in the cold light of day. You might be shocked by what you read back, but at least you’ll know what’s going on in your head. By doing this you will be better positioned to sort out the most important thing right now – your priorities.
Wow, that was heavy. Let’s lighten the mood and turn our attention to something more fun. Strap yourselves in and let’s talk about what kind of woman you fancy.
Sing Along: Join in for the rousing chorus of the Foo Fighters’ ‘Best of You’ and ask yourself if someone was, is, or ever has been getting ‘The best, the best, the best, the best of you?’ And if no-one is, ask yourself how you can make that happen!
Fancy A Type?
How good is your radar when it comes to picking the right girl? Or should the question be, do you even have radar? Maybe you are bamboozled by beauty and too quick to dismiss the warning signs? If I was to ask about your type, what would you say and how would you describe her? Or, do you even have a type? For the record, I don’t recommend it. In fact anyone who has a particular type and sticks to it is missing out on a whole world of opportunity. Nonetheless for the purpose of the exercise, let us continue.
Assuming that you do have a type, have you had any experience with your fantasy woman? What I’m trying to find out is whether there is any basis to your type, or if it is nothing more than a smoke and mirrors concoction of the feminine qualities you imagine you would like?
If that’s the case, is there some deep-seated psychological reason that you only fancy the kind of woman found exclusively on Page 3 of the Sun? Or do you hanker for a happy-go-lucky homemaker and housekeeper? Maybe your fantasy bird is a high-flying overachiever, someone with whom you see yourself carving out a turbo charged life? Or maybe not...
The point is to think about the characteristics of your dream girl, and ask yourself, honestly, if they are they compatible with your own. Forget about her check-list for the moment, and think about the deal-breakers that make up your list? What does it take for wonder woman to fit the bill and tick your boxes? Is it enough that she is funny and cute and genuine and she has a nice smile – plus she likes you?
All too often we chase after something that’s unattainable and highly desirable, and then when reality hits, it’s like, yikes! Fit hits the shan! It’s not what we expected, or what we hoped it would be. But sometimes we have to experience the absolute worst-case scenarios in order to take away the most valuable lessons. That’s what stops us from making the same mistakes again.
Wing-Women & Chemistry…
Does your sister or platonic gal-pal know that you’re pining to meet a lady? Because if they don’t they should. In fact, the more people who know, the merrier. You never know who might be able to lend a hand on the matchmaking front. Or not? Either way you need to put some thought into attracting more female company in your life for many reasons, but mainly because it’s healthy. It’s also practical. You want to spend enough time with women so that when someone lush comes along, you’ll be completely natural and relaxed. Being with your female friends should feel as comfortable as being with one of your mates.
This is easier if a good portion of your existing friends are women. It’s a no-brainer If you grew up in a houseful of girls, but it’s a little trickier if you didn’t; nor does it help if you went to an all-boys school, especially if it resulted in you growing up feeling tense around women. Until you start to view women as normal people who make up half the population, you’ll find it hard to relax around them. That’s why you need to go out and forage for some new female friends – not just for dating purposes – but because it’s nice having someone around who can champion your single pursuits. The technical name for it is wing-woman. But I don’t think that concept works over here, it’s just so American.
Professional wing-women are big business in America where they’re hired out for big bucks. The point is to show other women that you’re the kind of guy who has cool women in your life. Presumably that gets their interest because, hey, you must be a pretty happening guy. That’s how it works in theory. And some guys swear by it, but I’m not convinced. That’s because if you don’t know what you’re doing it can backfire spectacularly. I just think it’s better to find some platonic gal pals to spend time with.
Who will you enlist for the ‘feminine point of view’? Is there a friend of a friend, or a friend of a relative, or an old school pal? If no-one springs to mind immediately, then get on the case and make a pact to get in touch with all the girls you know. There’s bound to be someone from your past, most likely someone you’ve not had contact with for ages? Whether they’re old school friends, workmates, acquaintances or legacy friends, just shoot them off a quick email or text. Better still, give them a call if you’re comfortable to do so, and see where they’re at. It can’t hurt. They may be unresponsive in which case nothing lost, nothing gained. Or, they might be going through the exact same thing as you, and have a shortage of opposite sex friends to hang out with, in which case, you meet up for a pint, compare notes and who knows, you could be in for a pleasant surprise. You know the drill, suck it and see. The thing about opposite sex friends is that things have a habit of getting complicated – sometimes very quickly. Treat your female friendships with the platonic respect they deserve until you have reason to suspect that there’s the potential for more. Having chemistry is one clue...
Chemistry is a funny thing, and it appears in many guises. Often it’s as simple as the sensation we get when we’re having a laugh with someone special. But for chemistry to really happen, it takes two people to be tuned in and attracted on a billion levels. It’s not enough that she finds you attractive – it takes a lot more than that.
Chemistry is the clang of a million bells and whistles going off at precisely the same time. It’s the shyness of the smile, the glow of the cheeks, the tantalising looks that last just a moment too long. It’s that ping! you get when she touches your arm, the jolt! when she accidentally brushes your knee. It’s the click and the whirr! of something extraordinary that happens when she smiles at you. It’s the confidence with which you lean in towards her, without even thinking. It’s physical. It’s physiological. It’s psychological. And you can’t make it happen. It’s either there or it’s not. If you’ve got a pretty strong feeling it’s there – then you’d be a fool not to act on it. Which brings us to...
The Friend Zone
She’s a single woman. You’re a single man. She’s your drinking buddy, your ultimate fantasy woman, your long-time crush. She’s always smiling and laughing, which could mean everything, or nothing. You get along like a house on fire and she seems to like you, so, what’s the problem?
The problem is that you’ve become her mate. And now you can’t get past the Friend Zone!
Which to be honest, that’s an entire other book right there, because this is one massive, sprawling hell of a topic, and there’s not nearly enough space to deal with it thoroughly here. Nevertheless I’ve included a very broad suggestion in the hope that it sets you in the right direction, because god knows, we’ve all been bitten by the Friend Bug.
The Scenario: You make a new friend and right off the bat you fancy her; or you get closer to an old friend, and all of a sudden, you start to feel all peculiar around her. Either way there’s this hot girl, and you’re trying desperately to rocket things out of the Friend Zone. Hanging out with her is always so effortless and such a pleasure, apart from when you have too many pints and get horny and she doesn’t know you’re secretly scoping her out.
When you’re around this wanton woman, your imagination goes into overdrive, as you dream up every possible scenario in a bid to get her attention. You’re desperate to make a move and want for nothing more than to throw yourself at her. You think romantic thoughts and wish you could just come out and woo her with wine, flowers and passionate trysts. You rack your brain to come up with the ultimate Grand Gesture to blow her tiny little mind, but, there’s so much at stake. So much can go wrong. You’re terrified of making a fool of yourself, and who can blame you? Standing over your left shoulder is the Almighty Wall of Rejection. Dum-dum-dum-dummmm! This is one bullet you want to dodge.
And how are you meant to know if she fancies you? What do you look for and how can you tell...? When you see her you kiss her on both cheeks and search her eyes for clues, but find nothing. Maybe she’s interested, maybe she’s not. You think she’s interested. She acts interested.... Nah she’s not interested! She’s just being nice. You’re not even sure if she’s spoken for. You don’t think she is, but maybe she is... Yes she is. No she’s not. You’re convinced you’ve read this all wrong. Or have you? It’s so confusing!
At this point, there are basically two choices: the Direct Approach – only for the very brave, or the Indirect Approach. If you choose to go Direct, there are countless ways to do it.
You may boldly choose to make your thoughts known by sending a note, or a bunch of flowers, or you might serenade her outside her bedroom window. Otherwise, you might just come right out and tell her… or you just jolly well lurch yourself at her if that’s your fancy.
If your plan is to go the direct route and seduce her by doing all those things you’ve read about – getting her out for a drink and setting the scene by acting all friendly and familiar and asking her lots of questions and telling her jokes and being funny, no, hilarious – with the hope that at the end of the night you will look her in the eye, hold her hands in yours and tell her you are absolutely crazy about her. At which point she will look at you sweetly and smile...
And she will not say, “I just want to be friends.” But of course you must be prepared for her saying that.
Aaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I respect your honesty. I also hate you for it”. You scream into your beer. And then you cry. Tears, just like a girl and throw yourself on the ground and fling your arms and legs in the air.
You took the plunge and asked the question. The answer wasn’t the one you wanted, but hey, at least you know the score. If you don’t ask you don’t get. There’s no need for histrionics. You didn’t do anything wrong, you just took her by surprise and she wasn’t thinking of you in that way at that time…or maybe she needed some time to think about it. Whichever way you look at it though, the cat is out of the bag. That’s the thing about the Direct Approach – you do risk everything.
So, before you act, perhaps it’s better to weigh it all up and fast forward to the worst case scenario. The question you need to ask yourself is whether the friendship will survive if things don’t go as planned? Even worse, will you have to face her at work tomorrow?
Naturally it’s a case by case situation and it depends on a billion variables, and how close the two of you are; but, if you want to test the waters without blowing it, your best bet is to find a way to be subtle, but not so subtle that she doesn’t get it – and go for the Indirect Approach. It’s not so different to the Indirect Approach except that it doesn’t have the heavy ending. I should preface it by saying that this approach is only effective if your crush is someone you know well enough that you can get her out for a drink or a coffee…
And from there it’s pretty straight forward. All you’re doing is creating an opportunity to have a chat, and the more normal it is, the better. Don’t deviate too far from what the two of you would normally do together. Keep things as low-key as possible. If you typically have coffee together, then use that time to test the waters; if you regularly have drinks together, even better.
Prepare what you will say in advance and bring all your courage and your wits because my friend, you will need them. The aim is to plant the seed, without putting her on the spot and making her feel awkward. … The trick is to put it out there gently, gently, without forcing her hand. That means keeping your cool and staying natural.
Once the two of you are out, get the ball rolling by talking about the stuff she absolutely loves. Bring up her background, her passions, her hobbies – anything to show you’ve been paying attention. Talk about the good times you’ve shared, the things you’ve done together, and the things you’d like to do again. Remind her of the brilliant night the two of you had doing such and such.
By swinging the conversation around to the personal stuff and throwing some well observed comments into the mix, you’re effectively making things more intimate. If things go well, open up to her – steer the conversation towards the present moment – life in the single lane.
Tell her what you like about her, not in a creepy, awkward way, but with a light-hearted grin: “One of the things I love best about you is that you’re up for a laugh!” Talk about your single status, obviously not in a whiney way that makes you sound desperate, but which tells her that while you’re happy making the most of your single phase, you’re looking forward to a relationship one of these days. Just put it out there casually. The implication is you’re single, she’s single. You have a lot in common and love each other’s company…
By tapping into those things that she cares about, and revealing something of yourself, there’s a stronger likelihood of her thinking about you within a potentially romantic scenario and then...who knows? See how she responds to the idea of the two of spending more time together doing fun stuff – without making it a big deal. You’re planting a seed. Softly, softly.
Beware not to make too much a joke of it though, otherwise, she might not take you seriously at all. Tread lightly. Don’t overdo it and be sincere. If you can manage a ‘teaser’ conversation like this, it should help you gauge whether or not she is interested. If she is, it’s up to you to organise the practical scenarios to follow through and take things to the next level.
This is seriously tricky territory and sometimes there’s just no explaining it. It could be that she enjoys your company and feels relaxed and comfortable around you simply because it’s easy and low-threat. That doesn’t mean she wants to bonk your brains out, only that she wants to be your friend. It’s up to you to find out which it is because otherwise you can waste too much time in limbo-land pining tragically, and that’s no fun for anyone. The trick is to stay cool and don’t get too demoralised if things don’t go according to plan. It’s early days and there will be plenty more chances to have another pop later if things continue to develop.
And keep in mind that you’re not the only one who gets trapped in the Friend Zone. It happens to girls all the time. For all you know you might have a friend who is doing, or has done her damnest to let you know she was interested in more than just coffee, but in a classic case of communication breakdown, you didn’t pick up on the vibe. And she probably thought she was really obvious, but you only thought of her as a great mate. And for all the reasons we’ve already talked about, you have my sympathies – knowing as we do, that women can be extremely underwhelming in their attempt to let the cat out of the bag, so much so that of course you end up missing all the signals.
If that’s the case, then it’s likely that she gave up on the idea and she’ll never know if YOU were keen on HER. How frustrating; especially if it turns out you were, but now it’s too late!
Last Word: If you’ve got a crush on a girl and want her to know you like her as more than a friend, find a way to address it without the risk element. Weigh it up first and figure out how much you value the friendship if it doesn’t survive the romance assault. Ask yourself how you will cope if it all goes ape-shit. If you decide there’s nothing to lose and you can live without her as a friend, by all means go for the direct approach. Do it when the moment is right and when it feels good. Otherwise sit tight and test the water without taking the risk.
What Women Want
Earlier on we talked about women’s wish-lists, the Imaginary Clip-boards in the back of our minds when we first meet you. You already know she’s sizing you up based on the way you look and how you come across. But did you know she’s also looking for clues about your emotional state-of-mind? Because as any woman who’s been through a tumultuous relationship and the subsequent break-up from hell knows, in order to avoid going there again, she needs to be a whole lot savvier about what she’s signing up for. And for that reason, women want a man who’s on top of his game emotionally. But unless you’re a major in Psyche, it’s hard to read what’s going on beneath the surface and that’s why…
When she first meets you, she will weigh these things up by the way you present yourself, the things you talk about and your attitude to life. Right off the bat there are things that are important to her: She’ll be listening with a keen ear when you talk about your past romances. If you constantly bitch and moan about the ex, her warning bells will go off. Likewise if you go on and on about your miserable lot in life, she’ll figure you’re not coping. She will pay attention to these things because she’s hotwired that way. She wants to know you’re stable and that you’re not about to run back to your ex. Most of all she wants to know you’re not a time waster, a flake or a nutter. Especially if she’s been through the mill with that bad boy already!
Sharon is 32 and recently divorced. Having been through it all before, she wasn’t looking for anything too complicated when she came out of hibernation to join us on a Shimmy one Friday night; she just wanted to get her flirting mojo back and maybe find a nice guy, someone she could have some fun with and over time, hopefully more. Her complaint, and it’s one I hear ALL THE TIME, is that the men are vague and evasive. No! Obviously that’s not always the a general rule, but in Sharon’s case, she had the misfortune of attracting the same kind of men, emotionally unavailable men on high rotation, the dreaded commitment-phobe. Here was a woman who didn’t have any problem meeting the guy or getting the guy –she just kept finding the wrong guy. Usually it was a case of meeting someone, getting along famously for few weeks until he did the Houdini disappearing act. Then he’d call three days later without a word of apology and say, “Let’s hook up”.
All in all flaky behaviour from flaky guys which Sharon decided she no longer had time for. She wanted someone big enough and ugly enough to conduct a proper relationship. Certainly from a women’s point of view, all that keeping us at a distance is baffling. Especially when all we want is to get to know you. We hadn’t planned on proposing anytime soon.
So yes, I hear a lot of feedback from women who feel they’re constantly let down by men, whether that’s at the start of, or during a relationship. Of course they have my sympathies. But, and what I want to talk about here, is the frustration I hear from you guys, about women and why we can be so....difficult!!
And to be quite honest, we know we’re no picnic. We know we come with every hang-up in the book. We know about our insecurities and monster egos and unpredictable outbursts, ready to leap up and bite you on the wotsits when you least expect it. The difference is that we’re better at disguising our foibles – a face full of MAC make-up will do that!
Consider most of the single girls you’re meeting today, they’re likely to be fantastic girls with loads to offer, right? The reason they’re still single is most likely because they lead busy, demanding lives and they’ve been caught up in the all-work, no-play trap. They’ve burst onto the single scene because one day they literally woke up, looked at their watch and went, `Bloody hell is that the time!’ And with that, aged in their late twenties, thirties or even forties – off they toddled to tackle the dating arena, armed with nothing more than a Wish-List and layers of Vanilla Mist. By that time most of their friends were hooked up, so they forged new social groups.
Lovely.
But it’s time consuming stuff, and when you’re a woman and you’ve got a damn time bomb ticking away, I’m sorry, but it’s stressful! So needless to say, what they found was more challenging than they anticipated. Not only do they have YOUR neuroses to deal with, they’ve got even more of their own. And the more you know about them, the better off everyone will be.
Milly is 32. She has a great presence and a fresh, funky look. She’s blonde, petite and uncommonly pretty – a girl in ridiculous demand! At least that’s what you would think to look at her. Yet she’s been single since her last relationship ended several years ago. That’s the reason she jumped shores and relocated to the States. But home is where the heart is, so she’s since made her way back to Blighty intent on meeting a cute bottomed Englishman. Several months later, she’s still not had any hits. Not one sodding hit. What is going on guys?
After observing Milly on our night out, I saw what was going on. It turns out that she has this idea that she mustn’t flirt with anyone unless she really, really fancies them. The reason is that she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. What the…! I’m sorry but flirting isn’t just about sexual agenda! We flirt to connect. We flirt to make friends. We flirt to be social. But most of all, we flirt because it’s fun. Standing on the sidelines and making conscious decisions about who you can and can’t flirt with is never going to lead anywhere. It’s so limiting. And it’s hardly spontaneous! Especially when the choices you make are based purely on looks, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve had chemistry with plenty of people based on something much more than what I saw at first glance. Anyway, back to Milly…
It turns out the reason she’s acting this way is because she’s only ever been out with one guy, and that was her college sweetheart who she married! It wasn’t until a decade later when she found herself back in the dating arena that she found she literally didn’t know what flirting was!
OK, great, that’s the problem, but what’s the solution? To begin with Milly needs to loosen up and not take it all so seriously. She needs to appreciate that flirting is fun. And that’s why I sent her off on a few assignments to chat to random guys – hopefully one of them was you!
But I digress, the point about Milly and her endearing dysfunctional behaviour, is that you’d never know any of that if you were too see her sitting there, looking so perky and adorable. And when she didn’t respond to your approach, you’d most likely take it to heart for all the wrong reasons. It’s just another reminder that you never know what’s going on under the surface. Rather than second-guess it, the best bet is to give folks the benefit of the doubt. If they don’t respond because of their own neurosis, then take it on the chin and back away graciously.
Ruby is a dark horse. I first met her when she sauntered along to a Flirt Shimmy. She’s a boozy, bubbly 34-year old brunette who took a while to warm up, but once her charm came hurtling through, it was blinding. On top of that she’s is strikingly gorgeous, all Mediterranean complexion and big brown eyes, but she’s English through and through and there’s definitely a bit of the old Stiff Upper Lip going on.
But not in a bad way, she’ll be the first to tell you she’s made a lot of mistakes, big mistakes, with the wrong kind of guys, the result of one too many radar malfunctions. As such she’s lost faith in her ability to judge. Which is a shame because she is a genuinely lovely woman looking for a lovely bloke, but, due to her past experiences she is one prickly pear and the minute anyone approaches, her guard goes up. What Ruby lacks is self-belief.
But to see her strutting around with her big sexy hair and heels, you would think she’s the most confident woman on the planet. And if you were brave enough to go over and say hi and be the guy who bedazzles her, then lucky you, but so far…Ruby is only ever approached by players. And I can see why. The Ruby’s of the world don’t make it easy. They don’t look approachable for starters, and if anything, they look like man-eaters – which can be scary, especially when the reality is nothing like that. But if you have your wits about you and you approach, you’re likely to unearth a gem, a diamond in the rough. All that’s required is to brave up, take a chance and go in with the best intentions.
Ruby bought along her friend Sarah, sweet, blonde Sarah, whose face dissolved into a vista of dimples whenever she smiled. We nicknamed her Smiley. But in spite of her hot, happening look, Sarah was dying inside. That’s because she’d recently broken up with her boyfriend of four years. It was still raw. On top of that she found the dating scene intimidating and overwhelming. She couldn’t look at anyone let alone talk to them. The idea of flirting was like a foreign language and she just didn’t get it. But, since she won’t be wearing a “Nobody Loves Me” t-shirt when you meet her, you’re not to know that. You take her at face value. She looks all smiley and friendly so you assume she is. Why wouldn’t you?
On that basis you approach, but you flail and flounder and finally, you tank. But since you don’t know what’s going on with her, or that she’s dying inside, you think you’re the problem. And sure enough, a long time after you’ve approached, unsuccessfully, when drinks have been drunk, the Sarahs of the world loosen up and have some fun. After striking up a chat here and there and everywhere, and getting a few well timed compliments, Sarah starts to feel alive again. Just as you look over, she’s off flirting with the best of them. When you see her in action, you just want the ground to swallow you up. Not only have you been rejected, but now you’re having it rubbed in your face! But you’re not to know that the only problem here was bad-timing. You went in too early and approached before she was ready. It’s just the way it is when you’re dealing with someone else’s neurosis. You don’t know what the freak is going on.
Sometime it’s the sassy girls who say it best. Annette is a super fit 32-year-old blue-eyed blonde from South Africa.
“Living in London, a big fast city meant that there was pressure when you met someone to go home with them, otherwise you would never see them again. There has to be instant attraction and you have to be a slut.
I was a snob. I was insecure and I was looking for a prince.
Yet once I got on the dating treadmill, and I really went for it, the experience of all those lovely chaps made me more realistic and gave me a first-hand insight into what I was willing to compromise on.
Through the dating I also got a taste for what I really enjoyed doing, and how a date can be complete torture or really good fun. Most importantly, since I was happy to make the first move and deal with rejection, it gave me an appreciation of how tough it is for a guy to make a move. I learnt kindness and respect. And looking at myself and all my other miserable
30-ish single girlfriends who have now hooked up in past couple of years... I know it sounds like a line – but we just hadn’t met the right one!”
Gender Specific Bollocks
While we’re on the subject, let’s talk some more about insecurities for a moment. Do you think we all share the same insecurities when it comes to the big two – Sex and Rejection? Do you think it’s a boy/girl thing when it comes down to the real nitty-gritty of how we think and how we feel? Or do we all deal with the same crap? My theory – and history agrees with me – is that at the end of the day we’ve all got the same fears and frustrations, and we’re all as screwed up as each other, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. The only difference is that women have the upper hand when it comes to managing it. Indulge me here...
Since we were little girls…most women have enjoyed the emotional support that women tend to give each other, whilst men have not. Traditionally we’ve had years of rock-hard girly bonding where we spent hours and days and weeks in tear-soaked marathons where we pored over every excruciating detail of our boy problems. As we shed our teens and morphed into womanhood, the talk-fests which were now drenched in vodka, became a big part of our lives. This was our comfort food, and as it turned out, it was much more. It gave us the basis upon which we would secure our sexual footing and cope with the craziness that we invariably went through in adolescence. This was our Boy Education where we did a double major in English Boys and we learnt it very well thank you! So of course we’re ahead in the Emotional IQ stakes! That’s not to say you can’t catch up. Of course you can. Take a tip from Hollywood actor Bob Hoskins:
“I’m a feminist, yes! Very strongly. I learned to act watching women. I read Stanislavski, and that seemed a bit obvious. I started looking at the blokes around me, and I realised that men are emotionally crippled. They’ve got no language for emotion, but women have. Women have extraordinary clarity. So I thought: if I can get the emotional clarity of women, looking like I do, that might be interesting to watch. I’ve watched women ever since, I’ve been a stalker all my life.” 1
Today there are, quite thankfully, a growing army of modern men who are comfortable with their girly side and prepared to unleash it whenever necessary. Of course not all men are about the snuggly-wuggly, touchy-feely stuff, but, more and more men are starting to bandy around words like “bonding” and “meaningful” in their general day-to-day chit-chat. To be fair, it’s an area that hadn’t been very well served until the past decade or so, when a glut of magazines and specialist books came through. As a result a greater portion of modern men are getting used to the idea of emotional support via self-development. But generally speaking, it’s a rare and lucky guy that has accessed that level of emotional IQ growing up, or has that emotional connection with his mates.
Oh sure, you go through your occasional angst-inducing phases and no doubt you’ve opened up to a friend over certain issues. And perhaps it’s no longer true to say that most blokes would rather have a relationship with a stale bottle of ale, than talk about all this, you know, emotional shite, especially to other blokes. There seems to be a collective male hunger to get into the female psyche and understand what’s going on. Hurrah! Of course you will never have the emotional experience that comes from being a woman, but neither will we have the experience of being a man, so we can’t expect to get inside each other’s heads, but we can try.
New Kid On The Kop
Now that we’ve considered the emotional obstacles that are likely to appear on your horizon, think about what has held you back, and how far you are prepared to go in getting on top of it. What are the challenges you are yet to overcome?
• What will it take to strengthen your Personal Profile?
• I need to work on getting my confidence back.
Describe your main potential:
• I’m smart and funny, and someone once told me I was cute (does it matter if it was my mum?)
How would your mates describe you?
• My mates think I’m reliable, dependable and a good bloke to have around.
How would you like to be described?
• As sexy of course!
To summarise let’s look at the Key Points
• Concentrate on getting your ‘inner-self’ into shape
• Quit the blame game – negative energy doesn’t help!
• Tighten up your ethics radar – two wrongs don’t make a right
• Hard-wire your PMA (positive mental attitude) into your DNA
In A Nutshell?
If you did the exercises diligently, you should find that they’ve opened up a can of worms. Now you need to confront them and deal with them. Think about what unnerves you the most when it comes to all this. What techniques can you use to be the superhero you know you can be?
KPIs – Assess Your Progress
• Have you got your emotional admin sorted? (Y/N)
• Are you getting rid of the baggage? (Y/N)
• Are you confident about the ‘package’ you’re putting out there? (Y/N)
• Are you thinking beyond your type and open to any experiences? (Y/N)
Challenges
• Work on your confidence and self-esteem
• Focus on the ‘package’ and what you’ve got to offer
• Suss out any problematic ‘Friend’ situations
Mantra: Rejection hurts. But it hurts less each time!
Written Work
What’s holding you back in your love life right now?
e.g. Lack of confidence and fear. I’m not sure that I could handle rejection without having a complete meltdown.
What do you hope to achieve with a strong new mindset?
To be clear about where I’m headed & less worried about what others think.
Are you clear about what you are looking for?
I thought I was at one stage, but not now, my head’s all over the place. A few bad experiences have sent me back to my shell so I need to build up my confidence and then I’ll be clearer about what I’m looking for.
What do you need to let go of the past?
I need to grow up & get out of my ‘teen’ mind-set!
Q & A
I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about baggage and past relationships, and I’m worried that if I do, it’s going to bring back all the bad feelings. Surely if it’s not broke, why fix it?
I appreciate the sentiment, but while it might seem irrelevant now, that thing that has been troubling you beneath the surface, whatever it is, could come back and bite you on the bum when you find yourself veering back towards a relationship. If that happens, it’s likely to sabotage a new romance. That’s why it’s worth making the effort now – when it doesn’t count.
I don’t like to think that any woman is out of my league – but realistically, I suspect that this is the case. Is there any point on making a move if that’s the case?
Yes absolutely. It’s like I’ve said all along, you can’t second guess someone’s taste. Why not give her the benefit of the doubt and go for it?! Of course you need confidence to do this, but so long as you’re clear about what you’ve got to offer, you’re not going to shame anyone by having a go. People like the strangest things. That could include you
Should I go out with someone if I’m still in love with my ex girlfriend?
It depends doesn’t it? If you want to get someone out of your system, this is usually the fastest way to do it. So long as you don’t break any hearts in the process. But let me ask you this, if you do hook up with someone new, will you let her know that the ex is still lurking in the background? Because it would be dishonest not to. And maybe you’ve got a good moral code, in which case you wouldn’t dream of going there, but I’m bringing it up just in case. If it’s just a fling and everyone’s upfront about where they stand, then fine, go forth and enjoy it. But don’t be half-arsed about it and do it for the right reasons. Don’t do it just to get back at the ex.
I know someone who’s up for being a Friend With Benefits. Is there a downside to this?
The downside is that someone will get hurt unless everyone’s clear about things upfront. I think it’s a myth that FWB come with ‘no strings’, because what can happen, and what does happen, is that one person develops feelings, and someone ends up getting hurt. Sure it seems like a great idea having that access to unlimited regular sex, and that exciting booty call – as long as no-one’s kidding themselves. That means you need to be completely upfront at the outset. So long as you approach it honestly, it could be a bit of harmless fun.
Will quiet, bookish, pro-feminist men always lose out to the laddish ‘cheeky charmers’, or do we stand a chance of being noticed?
Absolutely. Yes, yes and yes! If you are smart about it and go to the right paces to find the right kind of woman that is. That means looking in the kind of places that someone discerning like her would spend time and not wasting your time trawling the singles dives!
1 Observer Magazine 19/09/2010