Step 5

Preparing For Lift-Off

Action Man

 

Women are attracted to guys who lead full and interesting lives, so it makes sense that if you make your life more interesting, then others will be attracted to the new improved you, and find you more sexually tempting. True story! So, time to shun the traditional beer and pizza method of getting out of the doldrums, and do something fun instead. And since last time I checked there was no Fun Tax to pay on having a good time, no VAT and no card charges – what are you waiting for?

Recently I met up with my thirty-something girlfriend Ginni. She’d been single for so long her friends renamed her Like A Virgin! – not her fault mind because she is blonde, leggy and hot – sizzling in fact. Anyway she met this guy and by the way she talked about him, it was clear she was absolutely mad about. “What’s his secret?” I demanded to know, aware that he had succeeded where so very many failed before him. “He’s the most exciting, adventurous guy I’ve ever met.” She said “On our first date we went hiking and skinny dipped and drank wine on the beach….”

You get the picture.

In order to be the man that Every Woman Wants, you need to step out of your comfort zone and grab life by the neck. You need to reenergise, revamp and be rearing to go. We don’t want to hear that your internet connection broke so you decided to leave the house – what a turn off! Replace your habit of online porn, belching and farting with something new and lady friendly. Channel Tom Cruise’s character in Risky Business, crank up the stereo, rock an Air Guitar and get ready to get out there. In other words, party hard or go home!

Of course it makes sense that the more active your social life and the wider your passions, the better off you will be – if for no other reason than it makes for crackling conversation. It’s all about getting out there in the thick of it. The choices are endless once you get going. You’re only limited by your own imagination. The more exotic and broad your interests, the more you have up your sleeve and the more self-assured you will be. So if you’re determined to have a bucket of ice-breakers at the ready, and all that great stuff to talk about, you’ll need a lot going on in your life. It’s not rocket science, but it does require action. The challenge is to cram your Bloke’s World of How Things Work calendar with fun stuff, the kinds of things that attract likeminded people. Place yourself in loads of different social environments to open up all the options. We’re talking about doing anything that gets you off your backside and out there, and not just the odd football match!

Your social life shouldn’t suffer during your single phase, quite the contrary – there’s plenty of time for that later. There is no better time than now to indulge in your favourite things. Lord knows there won’t be time when you’re bogged down by the big 3: Marriage, Mortgage and the Missus! It’s only once you join the couple brigade you’ll realise how dull life can get, then you’ll want for nothing more than to look back at all the madcap stuff you did while you were was single. You’ll be the one who went out and did things and down the track you’ll have so many wicked skills: comedy, cooking, cocktail-making, blah blah blah, all that fun stuff which those who have been busy with Boyfriend Duty for donkeys years, can only dream about.

The trick is to kick the habit of saying ‘woulda, shoulda coulda!’ and actually do it! Give yourself the respect you deserve and book in for that something you’ve always wanted to do but never had the nerve. Start with baby steps to find your own personal adrenalin thrill. You’ve heard of a Bucket List right, all those things you want to do before you die? Well get to it. Make a list of all those things you want to do, and get cracking.

Women love to hear about the plans of a pro-active guy, whatever you aspire to. There aren’t many who won’t ooh and aah over a ripped Martial Arts expert, or a man who can whip up a tasty supper. Likewise a guy who enjoys fine food and company and isn’t too shabby when it comes to good manners will go down a treat. As will a man who can serenade us with a guitar, piano or a poem. Aw! And if you want to get your best batting arm swinging, they say that now is the time – cricket is hot right now, a real winner with women, thanks to a certain Ms Hurley. And once you’ve got a bat in your hand and you’re whacking that ball around, watch as all your troubles fade away.

Think of the things you’ve always hankered to experiment with, whether that’s hopping into a stupendously sexy car and driving off into the sunset, drinking Sake, or sampling every kind of cuisine from Arabian to Zambian. Step out to the kind of places where there’s plenty of cool stuff going on, from pool to ping-pong to punk-rock-karaoke. And when you’re out and about – do stuff – rather than just sitting around supping pints. You’re more likely to hook up with people if you’re MC’ing the juke box, chatting around the pool table or belting out cheesy rock classics. That’s what’s great about men, they do stuff.

I’m not saying you have to become a member of the SAS or a professional Gladiator, but having an Action Man personality transplant does require a lot of doing. It’s a statement that says, ‘Look, I’m cool – not some boring guy living under a rock.’ But it requires more than passion; you need to plan, prepare and psyche up. Whatever it’s fine food, fishing or fetish clubs that takes your fancy, you’ve got to get onto it. As well as doing the thing you love, you’ll be meeting like-minded friends. Two for the price of one!

The direct translation is that you will have dozens of different and juicy, conversational gambits at the ready. Any man who can casually mention his DJing ability, the instrument he plays, or that he’s just taken up Jujitsu is going to get a good response. Equally a man who tells us about his pursuits in higher education, his pro-level chess prowess and his ability to make clever apps, will get more than a glimmer of interest.

Fun fact: You’re more likely to meet someone amazing when you’re out and about doing your own thing, than when you’re hunched over your PC surfing www.benaughty.com!

The pay-off is that by putting yourself out there, you will be better placed to make new friends. Not that there’s any guarantee they’ll be single, but that’s not the point. Even if they’re not single, you don’t know that they don’t have a hot friend, cousin or sister just waiting to quickstep out of the shadows and ravish you. Hey, it happens! Bottom line: expand your friend-set. It really is that simple!

At the end of the day, it’s your life and you only get one shot at it. Spice up your life and focus it firmly around the good times. The more you put off now, the less chance of cramming at a later date. This is the time to put your charm offensive into effect. It’s the man who puts it on the line and makes the effort that gets the girl. It’s called greasing the wheels. Moreover know that if you don’t, you’ll never meet anybody new! And that won’t cut it. So don’t say you’ll ‘think about it’. Just do it! Keep reminding yourself that life runs a lot better when you’re in top gear. Give it your best shot so you don’t look back in ten years and see that you’ve been walking through life on fast-forward.

Of course circumstances can impinge and make it tricky to meet new people. Whether that’s because your social groups have dissolved, or your best mates have leapt ahead in the romance stakes and they’re sitting pretty – all cosy and loved up, it can leave you at a loose end. But rather than moan about it, it’s better to broaden your perspective and venture outside the obvious in your bid to make new friends, get out more and eventually, reach Planet Woman.

Likewise if it strikes you that your search for the perfect woman has become a little anxious – then you know it’s time to shift your focus. Relax for a minute and take your eye off the big prize. Forget about looking so damn hard for the appropriate soul-mate and instead just do the stuff you love, and you might end up waking up with one.

So rather than going out with the sole intention to “pull”, which can put too much pressure on the situation, concentrate instead on exploring your city and finding cool settings and backdrops in which you’ll feel inspired. The trick is to think of these opportunities as practice grounds, not hunting grounds. You’re out to have a good time and road-test your new skills on real life people – and maybe along the way, you’ll stumble across that red hot tamale! Do everything you need to source your brand of fun.

Once you put your mind to it, you’ll find opportunities galore. In the meanwhile, you will find your work productively improves, your social life rocks, and you get to do the things you’ve always wanted to do, which is brilliant when it comes to conversational fodder. And considering that some of the most romantic ‘How did you meet?’ stories on the planet have happened randomly, you need to think outside the square. The new rule is not to knock back any invites, no matter how random they seem. There’s no excuse not to do it if it’s going to add a new dimension to your life. Make a pact that as of now, your answer to every invitation will be a resounding, ‘Yess!’

Banish the notion that it’s easier to say ‘no’ than ‘go’ and go anywhere and everywhere – regardless of its totty potential. It doesn’t matter if you’re walking, talking, boozing, schmoozing or cruising. Do it because it’s fun. Do it because you can. Do it because life’s too short to sit on the sofa – and because the truth is – you never know where, when or how you will meet this awe inspiring woman – that’s the beauty of it. It could be while you’re out buying food, riding the tube, playing darts or walking in the park. You can meet her while she’s in her car, at the bar, walking her dog or having a jog.

Are You Singlehandedly Keeping The Rock’n’ Roll Dream Alive?

You may not think a trip to the museum, movies or a live music gig will help in the romance stakes, on the basis you’ll never meet anyone while you’re fumbling around a dark and dusty auditorium, but you never know who’s around that corner; and you could be in for the surprise of your life. I know I was when I rocked up to see my favourite band, and I met my guy.

The moral of the story is Girl Wonder always turns up when you least expect her, it may be a cliché, but it’s true, all you have to do is widen your horizons – and she will come. The broader your interests, the better, so high on your list should be a commitment to honouring your heroes.

If you’re a Brit Pop boy, get in touch with your Inner Rock God and make that pilgrimage to visit the homeland of your musical heroes. And don’t stop there. If any of your idols are in town for a gig, book signing or performance you should be right there in the front row. Don’t be afraid to pop along solo either. Why wait so long for friends to make up their mind that the chance is lost? Don’t be feeling like Noddy No Mates because actually, you’ll end up meeting more people this way – and who knows, you may chance upon a sexy chanteuse while you’re there. In which case you’ll just reach into your grab-bag of ice-breakers and the rest is dead easy.

Stop and think about what you’re doing during your busy week that makes you interesting, and do those interests make potentially good ice-breakers? Are you going about your daily business of saving kittens, fighting crime and fire-fighting on the side? Or can you casually let slip that you’ve swum the English Channel, competed in an Iron Man triathlon, or tricycled to Belgium?

No? I didn’t think so!

That’s because traditionally, we’re not a nation of outdoorsy types. In fact, according to surveys carried out in 2011, Britain is a nation of telly addicts with more people watching TV now than ever before. Moreover, half the men surveyed admitted they spent most of their time on the sofa. That’s terrible!! Fair enough, there will be some days when you don’t fancy being Action Man – those days where it feels nigh impossible to get out of the zombie-zone, when you want nothing more than to be a sofa slob and laze about with a microwave meal – does that make Brits a lazy bunch of junk food loving sofa slobs? Not according to online research by www.beriskyinpublic.com which revealed that alfresco sex survival techniques are more popular than ever! Not everyone’s staying in then!

Just The Tonic

Speaking of frisky outdoor fun, when was the last time you roughed it in the great outdoors, or, even better, at a big old dirty music festival? If that doesn’t get you out of your comfort zone, nothing will! While festivals aren’t official sex events, it’s that heady concoction of booze, music, and the thought of outdoor canoodling, that makes them an obvious place to mingle with all the other singles, or in your own lingo, go on the pull. It’s funny too, how it’s essentially the same people that refuse to make eye-contact in the big cities who couldn’t be friendlier at festivals. Something to do with getting absolutely spangled I suspect!

Festivals make the world go around and in terms of pulling – it’s so easy – especially when there’s camping involved, if you can stomach the manky germs that is! You both like the same music and shimmy your shoulders together; you drink, get smashed, have a cheeky snog and then it’s just a matter of time before one of you says: “Your tent or mine?” It’s trickier with those festivals that don’t offer camping, what will you say then? ‘Your portaloo or mine?’

Flirty not Dirty Festival Survival Kit:

Hip Flask Bubble blowing liquid (for no other reason than girls love bubbles) Boxes and boxes and boxes of Wet Wipes (and Condoms)

 

Volunteer Work

 

Women love a man who does something worthwhile. Whether you work with small children or animals or volunteer in any capacity at all you’ll get brownie points It doesn’t matter if you’re organising events or answering phones, so long as it shows your touchy-feely side. Likewise registering with Crisis or a similar charity organisation will find you in good company and offer the unexpected. I’ve singled out Crisis because they attract thousands of volunteers, many of them young single people. At the year’s end, after the big Christmas day rush, they put on a massive party for the volunteers which has been described as the ‘Biggest Singles Party in the UK’. The beauty is that you’ve already got an ‘in’ with everybody since they’ve all been involved at some point. The fact that they all wear name badges makes it a no-brainer. Besides all that, you’ll be doing a good deed.

 

True Story: As we speak I find myself midway through the process of applying for a role within the Met Volunteer Programme as a Police Officer. I’m doing it so I can tell people I’m training to be a cop. Yes I am that shallow. But hey, it’s a brilliant conversation piece!

As Einstein said, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge.’

And Your Speciality Is….

 

It’s no good having talent if you don’t know what to do with it! Stretch your imagination and think about what new skill you’d like to develop and you might find you have a whole lot of fun learning, plus with the added bonus that it will give you an added boost of mystery, depth and intrigue. You’ll be the one who gets out there and actually does it, while everyone else just sits around talking about it. Create something artistic that’s truly and originally yours. Make your own T-shirt slogan or anything at all. Play poker and learn the art of amateur psychology for no other reason than it’s useful knowing how to read people, or pick someone’s mood by the way they hold their drink. No really!

Sign up to do something creative with other likeminded people – and women! Baking classes is an obvious one. Women go nuts over a man who can cook, or at the very least tries! Nail the art of making something you will be proud of, whether it’s seafood bouillabaisse, sushi, Swedish meatballs or just a curry in a hurry. Explore your knowledge of thrill factor food and marvel at the bravery (or stupidity) of those who actually pay great wads of money to eat things like the deadly poisonous Japanese Blowfish. Weird!

You’re probably already a barstool junkie, so why not go the whole hog and sign up for cocktail classes? Do your Masters in mixology and create your own signature cocktail – sure to be a hit with the ladies! Swill great vats of wine in the name of being a connoisseur. Throw a cocktail party and garnish with delicious, edible things grown from your own garden. And then, toast your glasses: ‘Salute!’

Make a habit of treating yourself as well. Happiness is gluttony, so become a gourmet guru and showcase your knowledge, or just do the Mashed Potato at Gastronomic Trivia nights. Get suited and booted and book yourself and a lady friend in for a swanky soiree with cocktails and canapés somewhere fab. Banish the thought that eating is cheating!

Get In Touch With Your Inner Kid

 

Spend less time on Quantum physics and more time as a roller coaster test-pilot. Tap into your inner teen, release the thrill seeker within and get your adrenalin pumping. Relive that juvenile-delinquent angst all over again and pinpoint that moment in your life when you were infallible, untouchable and fearless. Do whatever it takes to get it back! Recall those things you loved doing as a kid and do them now! Don’t be too cool for school, that’s just boring. The point is to be as goofy as you can!

 

• Relive your youth with nostalgic trip to Dorset, home of the Famous Five.

• Watch the genius of Sean Penn BM (before Madonna) in his best ever stoner role in Fast Times at Ridgemont High

• Try Rollerblading/Surfing/Hiking/ Climbing/Camping/Fishing/Go-Carting/Juggling/Bungee jumping/Sword fighting or Clown Porn. Just do something!

• Don’t read Harry Potter on the train. Not everyone thinks it’s normal for adults to read!

• Don’t read ‘Dating for Dummies’ on the train.

• Do read this book on the train!

Replace One Really Bad Habit With One Really Good One…

 

Unleash your inner Tarzan and go wild on a jungle safari. No jungle handy? Never mind, a zoo or National Park will do the trick. It doesn’t matter where you are, so long as you’re out amongst nature and enjoying a different landscape. A yearning for lost Englishness can result in all sorts of adventures. Get your skates on and do something, anything. Become a self-appointed ambassador for your cause and the environment. Roam around in the country air and do your best Sir David Attenborough impersonation. Adopt an orang-utan or a panda, a labra-doodle – any animal at all. Get in touch with your inner nature lover. Do a good deed for the environment, plant a tree, grow a vegetable patch, or save an orphaned donkey!

 

Replace sofa slobbing with

• Jousting and sword fighting – a great way to stay fit

Replace Reality TV with

• Beachside Boot-Camp

Replace watching reruns of Dr. Who with

• Brazilian dance lessons

Replace buying gifts and getting ripped off with

• Making personalised arty-farty gifts with your own hands

Replace cosy weekends with smug married couples with

• A visit to Nude Fest Cornwall

 

Break It Down

 

It all begins with your social life. If you and I were to have a little face-to-face chat; would you smile and nod and tell me that it’s all fine and dandy. But then, if we looked a little closer at it, what would we see?

Let’s break it down: if Friday and Saturday are reserved for friends, what are you doing with Wednesday and Thursday nights? Thursday is the new Friday after all! Are you using your free time to its best advantage? Or do you just go with the flow, in other words – the low effort options? Because if you are like so many other single blokes out there, you’re probably quite happy to spend your free time doing the same thing week in, week out – hmm?

If so, it’s highly unlikely that you’re meeting many new people outside of your immediate group. That goes especially for romantic prospects. A reason for this could be that you’re in the grips of ‘incest-itis’; more commonly known as a lame approach to dating. This is a world where it’s easier to hit on someone from within your group, or at the workplace, because it’s less threatening, and it’s the only choice on the menu. Or so you think, but I’d like to challenge that.

There’s a great big world of adventure waiting out there and once you access it you won’t look back, so sort yourself out and stop being an armchair fan! Book your Boys Own Adventure Weekend and do whatever it takes to get out the front door. Once you find your thing go for it. What’s the worst thing that can happen? You make a new friend?

Do This: Register at the social network www.meetup.com.

A fantastic resource with literally hundreds of individual groups hosting events, parties and excursions – everything you can think of from galleries/exhibitions/fashion-launches/film premiers – you name it. There’s nothing that someone hasn’t thought of to get like-minded people along.

What To Do Tonight?

 

If you’re in London a quick scour through Time Out magazine will reveal everything going on

Do a comprehensive Google search and scour your local papers and notice boards

Post a Facebook message asking for recommendations

 

• Get your social life into shape

• Quit the repetitious stuff

• Stop making the same social mistakes

• Tighten up your schedule

• Maximise every free hour!

 

Roll Up, Roll Up: What’s Your Party Trick?

 

Do you have an eclectic bag of party tricks ready to entertain the troops?

Can you swallow fire, and make midgets disappear?

Have you had a recent stint as an adult movie star? Kidding!

 

Try This: Make this your year to explore your city as though you are a tourist overseas. Get to know your home city intimately!

Bachelor Pad

 

In order to hotwire your life, not to mention your love life you need to be on top of things. And since an Englishman’s home is his castle, or in this case, his Bachelor Pad, that’s where it starts. So gents, prepare your stations!

The modern guy is gadget-crazy and house proud – as I’m sure you are. Of course you aspire to a fabulous apartment with all the gizmos, why shouldn’t you? It’s a boy thing! Farewell those days of mucky laundry, bucket bongs and empty pizza boxes. An uncluttered living space equals an uncluttered mind. Slovenly bachelors be gone!

Your place of abode should be ready to rock, or at the very least, to entertain, at a moment’s notice – all the more so if you are stepping out on a date and there is even a remote chance that you will bring someone back. And don’t panic, we’re not talking To The Manor Born, we’re simply suggesting that your living space is organised and ready for action.

Create a calm, clean pad from which you can plot, plan and scheme your way to 007 style seduction. Don’t be put off by thinking that you will lose a weekend of your life, or any party time at all, because provided you plan, you won’t. Just put aside up to thirty minutes every few days for a week or two, and attack one section at a time. It’s more manageable, less frustrating, and you will see the rewards of your efforts as you zoom-zoom from room to room. Take advantage of those days when you can’t face the world – stay in and organise instead! It may not seem very Bond-like at the time, but you’ll love the results, especially when you get to swan around like the proverbial King of the Castle.

 

First Stop, The Kitchen

 

A good host will have a stash of tasty snacks and drinks to hand. A choice of decent red and white wine and a spirit option will see you groove casually from coffee to Chateau le blanc and onto cocktails. If you are going to invite us in for ‘coffee’, is it really too much to ask that it’s filtered, percolated, or at the very least from one of those individual espresso bags? We won’t appreciate the instant stuff when you’ve made such a fuss about getting us around for a coffee thanks! In terms of your cooking skills, why not attempt to perfect at least one dish so that if some lucky lady does pop over for an impromptu supper, you can wow her – some homemade chorizo at hand would be nice, so long as it’s not too spicy and garlicky. Keep the snacks nice and light, you want passion, not passing out! Avoid the stuff that screams student dive, manky dishes in the sink, food strewn over the bench tops, rubbish spewing from the bins and condoms lurking around is not a good look, but a sleek coffee maker is…

Buy This: Lavazza’s sleek premium coffee makers for the ultimate one-shot cup of coffee.

It may sound cheesy in the manner of a wannabe Bond, but if you want to create a vibe, then you might as well go the whole hog and bring in the clichés as well. Rock the dim lights and low music, cushions and candles. Scatter plenty of visitor-friendly mementos from your travels and other bits and bobs. Flaunt souvenirs, heirlooms, photos and junk shop finds, anything at all to give your place character and provide the all-important conversational fodder. The man who can do Show & Tell, even if it’s just with the much loved ‘Visit from the Goon Squad’ DVD – will always have something to chat about.

It goes without saying your bedroom should be sparkling clean and all sexed up – ready for action! Have fresh sheets and linen on the bed at all times – positive thinking never hurt anyone. And what about in-room entertainment? If you don’t have a projector that descends from the ceiling so you can watch films in bed, or indeed in the bath, then at the very least have your alternative or internet entertainment system set up handy. It wouldn’t hurt to have a stash of Just-In-Case bits and bobs handy either. The limited edition Will & Kate souvenir condoms are sure to amuse!

Once you’ve cleared and sorted, the next thing is to confront the admin. Yes I know it’s boring, but it’s damn near impossible to focus on the fun stuff when you’ve got an anxiety disorder about, well, everything! So hop to it. Write a list of what needs to be done and tackle it one thing at a time over the course of a few weeks. Attack the stuff that’s weighing you down, rather than letting it suck up negative energy. Book yourself in for those medical and dental visits. Get on top of that pile of bills, do the washing, the filing, and ring your mum damn you! Don’t yawn – this is important!

Finally, don’t undo all your good work by having a mingin’ toilet. Most important! Clean, clean and then, clean some more! Use industrial strength disinfectant and kill that odour dead. Do whatever it takes to lose any signs of toxic sludge. Stock up on toilet paper, soap and fresh towels. And put away the X Rated Boys Toys!

 

Notice-Board

 

• Be prepared. Always!

• Stock up on the Just in Case goodies: booze, candles and wine

• Keep the bedroom and bathroom toxic-free-zones

• Avoid awkward bathroom sightings; warn your flatmates if your friend is staying over!

Gonzo Travel Adventures

 

The well-travelled man is pretty sexy, so whether you’ve been a beach bum in Barbados or drinking boutique beer in Belgium, you’ll exude that infectious post-holiday vibe. This is wildly appealing to women who will happily fast-forward to a fantasy life spent roving around the world with you. The other bonus is that since you won’t be single forever, you need to lock down the fantasy stuff now. Live out your globetrotting dreams while you still can.

Thanks to the internet bringing the world closer together, travelling alone doesn’t have to be lonely. It’s easy to organise to meet cyber friends abroad, and there are of course, loads of well thought out opportunities for singles which can be the adventure of a lifetime. Once you get the hankering to go somewhere, don’t waste another minute. Book that trip and hop on that plane, train or automobile. Just go!

Go somewhere exotic and cavort with the locals at the drop of a hat. Beg, borrow or steal a video camera and make your debut feature travel documentary. Even better if you learn a few words of the local lingo, and some of the more, erm, vital phrases before you travel, rather than throwing your arms around, pointing and shouting in English. Another idea is to pick up some understanding about the local culture before you go.

There are two very good reasons to do that, firstly since locals love talking about themselves just as much as the next person. The minute you show an interest in their country, cuisine and customs and in most places, you will make a new friend and slot in just like you belong.

The second and more important reason is that there is a very good chance that you will luck out with a sizzling holiday romance, perhaps rather exotically with someone whose first language is not English. In which case learning even a smattering of the lingo will help stave off any stage-fright when it comes to approaching hot babes in their native tongue.

All well and good – except that different rules apply for dating and flirting everywhere in the world, and you will encounter specific local customs. That means you need to pay attention. Especially since courting rituals change dramatically from country to country.

We are very lucky in that courtship patterns within the Western world are relaxed and interchangeable, but that’s not the case everywhere. The practice of flirting has been banned in some Asian countries with the end result that offenders, both local and international, have been jailed for inappropriate behaviour. So please, be aware that anti-flirting laws are alive and well. Ultimately it is your responsibility to be respectful of local customs and abide by the rules – or face the consequences. Familiarise yourself with the local customs before you travel, so that in the event you do find yourself having a raunchy time in a new place, you won’t cause any offence. Or, worst case scenario, go to jail!

 

Flirting Tips Abroad

 

1. Rule: When in Dubai do not have sex on the beach.

2. Rule: Do not attempt to flirt with the local officials.

 

Never Say Never

 

1. Don’t lose your confidence and chicken out when it comes to chatting up the local girls because of the language barrier.

2. Sort it out before you leave home!

3. Learn how to say ‘cheers’ in every language. Salute!

Long Distance Relationships

 

Thanks to living in the technological age travelling has another bonus, that of the LDR: Long Distance Relationship. Personally speaking, I’ve got friends and clients who are currently in LDRs and each of them doing very well. In fact, I’ve got two clients with impending weddings coming up, both the result of the LDR. Wahay!! Why is it easier today? There’s a couple of reasons. Certainly our communication methods are a big one. Our ability to make instant contact via Skype, Video Call, instant message, email or text, means there is literally no excuse not to stay in regular contact. Added to that, the competitiveness of domestic and long haul travel means that bargains can be found like never before. With travel options so cheap and quality communication modes so effective – what’s the problem?

I find myself encouraging the LDRs on the basis that I’ve been there, done that, and lived to tell the tale, complete with a Happy Ending. So there you go, I am a glowing endorsement of the LDR. And so is my good friend Sian…

“I first met Adam in Germany. He was living in Switzerland at the time, and I was based in London. We got along really well but once I got home I wrote it off as a holiday romance. I didn’t expect him to be so persistent, but he was! I got lots of calls and emails and pretty soon we were having Skype calls every other night. He came to visit me in London after a while and then I went to visit him in Switzerland. I didn’t know what to expect, but we seemed to fit pretty well into each other’s world. As for what the future holds, I’m not certain. I’ve told him I don’t want to live in Switzerland, and he doesn’t want to live in London, but, it turns out we both have a thing for Berlin. Plus I’ve been learning German over the past few years since my work has taken me there many times, so who knows. Either way, I feel really positive about it.”

 

New York Calling….

 

Q. I’ve just started dating this girl from New York, who I really like. I’m not sure if it’s a cultural thing but she’s still dating other guys. It makes me really jealous to think of her sleeping with other people. I want to talk to her, but I’m scared I’ll push her away.

There are gaping differences between New York dating culture and our own, especially since we don’t have one! So I’m not surprised you feel jealous. And since we don’t do the New York thing of dating within a systematic society, it’s hard for us to relate to. But as far as she’s concerned, it’s just the done thing.

But let me ask, do you know for a fact that she’s sleeping with other people, or is that your imagination working overtime? You’re well within your rights to raise the issue, but perhaps instead of coming across all heavy about it, use the cultural point of view to kick-start a chat rather than a confrontation.

One way of testing the waters, without going on about how squeamish it makes you, is to ask her how these things work in New York. Just tell her that it’s different here. The whole rigid/exclusive/non-exclusive dating thing doesn’t exist here in the UK. But if she’s used to multi-dating, then she might find it strange that you’re not. You need to address that, so best get it out there in the open.

Keep your options open. If you make an effort to see other women, you will be on the same playing field as her. That way your feelings towards her will have less intensity and you’ll be able to adopt a more light hearted approach to the current situation, even if you can’t change it, at least not in the short-term.

From Workaholic to Weekend Warrior

Like all addictions, work has its price, so while we’re reshuffling things, it pays to check that the thing that eats your brain, stresses you out and takes up most of your waking life – your career – is making you happy.

It’s heartbreaking the amount of time we can spend in soul-destroying jobs. And for what? The power? The money? The CV? The defining moments of your career? None of it means anything if you’re unhappy. And often that’s the case if you got side-tracked along the way to your vocational wherever, and woke up to find that you’d become Frustrated Freddy the Hedge Fund guru, trapped in a freelance writer’s body, if that is the case, then you’ve got to find a way to get out because newsflash, cash is not king!

Have a good honest look at the career you’re in, and ask yourself if it’s the right fit. At the end of the day, you’ve got to respect what you do and have a conviction in your own talents, regardless of what anyone else thinks. It really is about your take on these things. It’s no good if you hate yourself for doing the thing you DO, your chosen profession. You’re the one doing it, so you’ve got believe in it. Or change your situation. Don’t let yourself waste years in a job you despise or, before you know it a decade will have flown by and you’ll hate yourself.

Maybe you’re content in the knowledge that you’ve made it professionally – well done you! But ahem, what about your personal and social lives? Surely your happiness is an insane price to pay. Besides if all your energy goes into your job, what do you have to offer outside of it? What on earth will you find to talk about?

Find your work/pleasure balance and pledge to do those things that relax and stimulate you for no other reason than they’re good for a laugh. If you don’t have your own treasure chest of treats to hand – sort it out! Don’t let the stresses of work rob you of your personality and sense of humour. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter how good you look on paper, we won’t want to hang out with you if you’re no fun. I’ve been there and I can tell you, it wasn’t pretty.

 

Remember the Sex And The City adage:

“Good on paper. Bad in Bed!”

 

If you are planning a career change anytime soon and fancy yourself the S & M King, or the King of Success and Money, a 90-day plan will give you plenty of time to whack your CV into shape, register with the agencies and see what’s out there. If you really want to be industrious, use your spare time to invest in a mini-course and develop a new skill-set. That way you’ll always have a contingency plan and you’ll never get caught short again.

 

Campbell was the black sheep of the family. His brothers were high-octane lawyers and bankers while he was a lowly barman. But he didn’t see it that way, citing the brain-power it took to memorise all the cocktail recipes. Now that’s what I call healthy self-confidence!

 

While we’re on the subject of work, I want to talk about how the career thing influences all things to do with life, love and ladies. That’s because women are passionate about the subject. I’ve heard it all, from the ubiquitous: ‘Men are so intimidated.’ to `Why it’s so hard to meet a good guy?’ and ‘They just want bimbos!’

Naturally I’m NOT convinced.

But since the same issues keep raising their ugly head, I felt it was my duty to burrow a little deeper. As a general rule women find the gulf between professional success and personal success a very, very wide one. Why is this so? Let’s take a look…

In order to get ahead in the workplace, women need to be assertive and sassy – you might call them ‘ball-breakers’. You probably don’t mean it in a bad way, but what you’re picking up on is that – she has testosterone, and she’s not afraid to use it. For many men however, that’s the ultimate turn-off. Do you see the irony here? It’s the very same qualities that women use to get ahead in the workplace, that conspire to work against them when it comes to you guys. It’s so unfair. Wah!

Hear me out when I say I share the women’s point of view about what’s going wrong from the guy perspective. The thing I keep hearing again and again is that men are easily intimidated, or at the very least, put off by strong, sassy, successful women – the Triple S! Often that is due in part to women’s professional accomplishments.

Now you might read this and shudder to yourself and say, “No way, that’s not me. I LOVE a successful woman!!” In which case, great! Give yourself a pat on the back. But since you’re minority, I will continue. For those of you who flounder and flail when you meet a marine biologist, a lawyer or a doctor, and worry that you couldn’t possibly live up to her expectations, stop and ask yourself why? What’s that all about?

Her career choices had nothing to do with you. She simply followed her passions in the same way you followed yours, whether you’re a DJ, a delivery boy or a data operator. She applied herself to a particular vocation in order to fulfil herself and be independent – and now as red-blooded woman in need of nothing more than true love – she finds herself being penalized for it. Bah!

Part of the benefit for women who get ahead in the workplace is that it widens their romantic choices. That’s because if we’re financially independent, it shifts things when it comes to relationship roles. It means we don’t necessarily depend on you to be the higher earner, or the bigger, better go-getter– we’re prepared to share those responsibilities. And if you’re smart (which obviously you are ‘cos you’re reading my book) then you will see that as a massive relief. We all know what it’s like to live through recessions and difficult times. We have. We are. We will again! And it’s during these times that the relationship roles often reverse. “Not a problem” say the couple who built their foundation on equality. This is the partnership which thrives because the power-balance stays the same even when the professional see-saw effect kicks in.

If we go back in time to the traditional Adam and Eve model where men wanted a real woman and women wanted a real man, you’ll see it’s not so different today. The roles may have become interchangeable, but what we want isn’t a million light years away from what it once was. The big difference is that we’re more accepting, and expecting of our partner’s feminine and masculine sides.

So, what to do?

We need to change our mindset. All of us. Men. Women. Children. Because quite simply the English landscape would be a more romantic place if women were to shed their coat-of-arms – and the haughty demeanour – before stepping out of the office. But it takes two to tango and men must strive to be strong in the face of ballsy and successful women.

You can choose to believe it or not, but in today’s modern society, women do place less emphasis on their partner’s money making ability. Oh sure we want someone who can provide and hopefully have the means to raise a family with us, but it’s not like the old days. Fewer women fantasise about having a squillionaire screeching around in a gas-guzzling sports car. That image is tarnished now, thanks mainly to dirty little secrets of the rich and greedy (did someone say footballers?!) whose dirty laundry has been publicised from every corner of the globe and served up on the dinner table with our fish ‘n’ chips. It’s thanks in part to those debauched and very public lives, along with the ridiculous hours that the uber successful guys are forced to work, and the fact that they don’t have time to spend with their family, that’s taken the gloss off.

In other words we’re more aware today that being super rich breeds its own batch of troubles. And I don’t know of many women who want to risk going into something, only to be a divorce stat a few years down the track. Nor do I know of any woman who want to be a single mum. It’s a pretty grim thought for most women.

Today we want different things. The rewards aren’t so wrapped up in the material. They’re more of the feel-good variety. Once upon a time we looked to marriage to provide security and a roof over our head. The emphasis was solely on income, professional status and promotional opportunity, but it’s not like the old days anymore. Today it’s about compatibility and how we feel. We’re more interested in whether your job makes you happy, than how much money you make. We want to ‘like’ you, as well as love you. We want to agree on the day to day stuff as much as the Big Picture stuff. We want you to be a hands-on husband and father, someone who can take over the domestic duties at a pinch if need be. We want to have a giggle and a gossip. And we want you to be a nice guy, someone we can trust. But it needs to be a two-way street. We don’t want to be penalised for being successful or outgoing or over confident. That’s all we ask…

Tina is 32. She has a successful publishing career, but she’s the first to admit that she is a total failure in her personal life. Yet she’s as outgoing as anyone you could hope to meet. On top of that, she has the knack of attracting guys, partly because she is so outgoing, but also because she’s totally hot. She’s Euro-Asian with an American accent thanks to her Hawaiian upbringing. She’s slim and smiley, healthy and happy and....she’s been single for six years. That’s the entire time she’s been in London! Why for the love of god?

Admittedly she does get approached from time-to-time but, it’s only by the players. So in a bid to find herself a gem of an Englishman, Tina got out of her comfort zone and tried everything from online dating to dating events and of course, coming to see me. Why has nothing been successful? Is it her credentials I wonder? She studied at Harvard and pursued a successful career in publishing and relocated countries to further her career. Do men just look at her and fall apart?

Admittedly there have been a few false starts. There was one situation where the guy chased her down so hard and then, when she finally relented, he suddenly realised he wasn’t over his ex. So he texted her and told her so. Oh please! If you’re not sure about your state of mind going in, can I suggest that you let the lady know before you sleep with her, not after!!

So what about the other guys that have hit on her? Well mostly it’s only the very bold, and they tend to be the players. The regular guys, like you, seem terrified of her. Yet if you were to approach her, you would see that she’s just like a big friendly puppy! She loves talking to everybody. That’s the kind of person she is.

There seems to be this idea that if someone is good-looking and ridiculously successful, then there’s no way on earth they’d want to talk to you. But for Tina, that couldn’t be further from the truth – she’s completely over being single. She wants a lovely man and she wants him now! Where are you guys when we need you? And what is it that makes you do a double-take when you see her, and then, when you find out how amazingly fantastic she is, you do a runner. I don’t get it!

You’re passing up a chance with a woman who has ability to make some bloke ridiculously happy. If you can find it within yourself to be a little bolder around extraordinary women, and not let the polished exterior put you off, you’ll find that underneath it all, sassy women are just like you, scared and frightened and nervous.

All I’m saying is that if you see someone like Tina, hot, happening and over there...be bold and go for it. Get over that phobia of approaching a stranger. Ask her a million questions about her life, her career, her background, her world. Show her that you admire the bullocks out of her, and that you’re not scared of her! Guaranteed, she’ll be putty in your hands!

New Kid On The Kop

 

Write down a few words to describe your new improved lifestyle. E.g. I’ll try something new once a month and go out 2 – 3 times a week. I’m good with outdoors/sporty stuff, but I need to see more gigs & things.

Now that you are set to attract new people into your life, how will you maintain contact?

I’m putting a ban on Facebook and trying to pick up the telephone more!

What can you do right away to get more fun into your life? I just need to go out more!

How will your time-table work into your regular day to day schedule? I’ll sit down and look at what’s happening for the week – if I give myself an extra 20 minutes, I can make plans for doing stuff during the week nights.

What have you always wanted to do, but never got around to? Loads of things, learning an instrument is the big one...

 

To summarise let’s look at the Key Points

 

• Fire up your social calendar

• Assess your working life

• Step out of your comfort zone

• Release your Inner Kid

• Try something you’ve never tried before

 

In a nutshell? Be outgoing. Enthusiastic. Adventurous. Be Action Man!

 

Challenges

 

What do you need to do to sustain a more dynamic lifestyle that will attract new people?

 

• Sign up for a new challenge

• Revisit your passions

• Make your BWL: Bucket Wish-List

• Travel

 

KPIs: Assess Your Progress

 

• Have you signed up for any new challenges? (Y/N)

• Have you signed up for any new Action Man pursuits? (Y/N)

• How many different things have you signed up for to get your adrenaline flowing?(1 to 5 or more)

• Have you made a bucket-list – to do before you die? (Y/N)

• Have you made any travel plans? (Y/N)

 

Mantra: A lust for life will kamikaze your love life!

Q & A

 

There’s this girl I like and we’ve got loads in common like hiking and camping, but every time I suggest trekking off for a weekend, she shuns me. What am I doing wrong?

You can slow down for starters!! How about a coffee date before you try to lure her away for the weekend! There is such a thing as easing you way into it. And I daresay your crush might be taken aback by the idea of a dirty weekend as your first date. Hello! You may think you’re sharing an interest, but she probably thinks it might be nice to have a, you know, get-to-know-you chat over a drink first! Slow down, take it nice and easy, and see how you go.

 

Is it ever acceptable to chat up a girl in the gym?

Some girls appreciate it, and even expect it. And just as many don’t. It’s your job to tread lightly and judge for yourself. A good starting point is strike up a conversation – well I guess you knew that already – but just keep it light and breezy and chat about the stuff you have in common: the gym, working out, that kind of thing. Try to read her signals to see if she welcomes the interruption, or is she is deadly serious about her workout? If so, she’s likely to regard the gym as her sanctuary, somewhere to get away from it all. If that’s the case, you’ve got to back off. She might get hit on all the time, and if she finds she can’t even go to the gym in peace, then of course she’s going to get all stressy about it, so don’t push it if she’s not encouraging. But by all means go ahead and ask. You know what they say, nothing lost, nothing gained.

 

My girlfriend and me are very competitive when it comes to our jobs. Is that a good or bad thing in a relationship?

A smidgen of competitiveness is healthy in all relationships, it keeps everyone on their toes, but too much of it, and it will probably all end in tears. The question you need to ask yourself is do you feel competitive rather than supportive and vice-versa? And if so: why? Competitiveness is hard enough to manage in friendships, so of course it’s going to be tricky when there’s romance involved. A bit of friendly rivalry is fine, but if the two of you are super competitive now, fast forward to how it’s going to be, especially down the track if one of you comes unstuck in your professional life. Will the other be supportive, caring, loving and all the other basic components that relationships are built on? Or not? Maybe it’s best to take a good, hard look at the situation now. Talk to your girlfriend about it, she’s bound to have an opinion. Find out more about the issues that are bubbling beneath the surface and address them.