Ivan was already at the curb when the rest of us stepped outside. We watched as he hopped into a red Mazda with its engine idling under a sign that read TRAFFIC-CALMED AREA. PLEASE DON’T IDLE YOUR ENGINES. The man in the driver’s seat—presumably Ivan’s dad because he had the same mop of black hair—didn’t turn his head when Ivan got in.
It was raining hard. We huddled under the roof’s overhang. “What was Ivan’s drawing about?” asked Jacob.
“His mom drowned two summers ago,” said Alonzo. “It’s not really clear whether it was an accident, or…”
“Suicide,” Koula said. “You of all people should be able to say that word, Alonzo. You’re the expert.”
“Nope. Amateur. My attempt failed.”
“If you become an expert, I’ll kill you.” Koula and Alonzo burst out laughing.
Jacob looked at me, startled; I just shook my head and shrugged.
“Ivan was eleven when it happened,” Alonzo continued. “His grandparents thought he was too young to go to the funeral. So he stayed home with some old aunt.”
“He didn’t get to go to his own mother’s funeral?”
“Nope.”
“Harsh.”
“Kind of explains why he gets that look on his face sometimes,” said Koula. “Like he could murder you in your sleep.”
We all nodded agreement.
Alonzo looked at Koula. “Want to make a run for the bus stop?”
“Sure.”
“Or we could go for coffee,” said Jacob.
Awkward silence. “Um,” I said.
“Um, what?”
“We don’t really do that.”
“Do what?”
“Hang out.”
“Why not?”
“We don’t…”
“Like each other,” said Koula.
“I’m buying,” Jacob said.
Koula and Alonzo shared a look. “Does that include fancy stuff? Like s’mores Frappuccinos?” asked Koula.
“Sure.”
“We’re in.”
Jacob turned to me. “Petula?”
I didn’t answer right away. I was thinking about bathrooms. I had become very good at structuring my days around seldom having to use public toilets, which were like ground zero for germs, perverts, and unattended backpacks. I’d learned to pee right before leaving for school, and as long as I didn’t drink a lot of water I could hold it till I got home.
Right now I needed to pee.
“Make up your mind, Grandma,” said Koula. “It’s freezing.”
Lovely. Now Jacob knew her nickname for me.
“We won’t stay long,” said Jacob.
So I went, hoping Grandma’s bladder could hold out a while longer.
JJ Bean was packed. The rain had sent everyone inside. It smelled damp and funky, and it was hot and noisy.
I froze just inside the doorway. Jacob noticed, because he took my mittened hands and placed them on his waist, then pushed his tall frame through the crowd to a free table by the window. I just held on and followed. “Thanks,” I murmured. I tried to stay focused. I tried not to get distracted by the man at the next table who kept coughing without covering his mouth. Or the woman who kept coughing into her hand. Elbow! You cough into your elbow!
We talked about this and that. Or rather, they talked. I was finding it hard to concentrate. Even though I’d passed on coffee, my need to pee was reaching crisis point. I couldn’t hold it much longer. I edged my way out of my chair, slipping my mittens back on so I wouldn’t have to touch any surfaces with my bare flesh. “I’ll be right back.”
Koula smirked. “No you won’t.” She turned to Jacob. “You watch. I guarantee she’ll be in there for, like, ten minutes, making sure no one’s lurking in the stalls, putting down one of those paper toilet seat covers even though I’d bet good money she’s a hoverer, flushing the toilet with her elbow, using paper towels to open and close the doors. Et cetera.”
I had the urge to throw myself at her and start scratching her face. But it would be like David going after Goliath. Minus David’s victory.
I went to the bathroom.
And for the record, I was only eight minutes.
I timed it.
Even though I hadn’t had any coffee, I was feeling jangly when we got ready to leave. This was the first time I’d gone out with people my own age since Maxine died. Even if they weren’t friends, even if one of them was possibly a psychopath, it hadn’t been entirely awful.
I was just buttoning up my sou’wester when Koula said, “Uh-oh, Grandma. Your twelve o’clock.”
I followed her gaze.
Rachel, the Girl Formerly Known as My Best Friend, was at the counter with Aleisha Durmaz and Mahshid Vaziri.
“Couldn’t you get arrested right now?” Koula grinned. “Like, doesn’t she have a restraining order against you or something?”
I started sweating profusely, and not just because I had my sou’wester on. “Shut up, Koula.”
“Ooh, good comeback.” She turned to Jacob. “Rumor has it Grandma here went at her ex-bestie with a carving knife—”
“That’s a total lie!” I shouted. People turned to stare.
Including Rachel.
Our eyes locked. I saw the sadness in her gaze.
And the pity.
I pushed my way between the tables and the people and made it out onto the sidewalk, where I gulped the fresh air. I started fast-walking toward home. Screw Koula. Screw Koula and her ugly misspelled tattoo!
My blood sounded like an ocean in my ears. I’d stopped focusing on my surroundings; I was just barreling toward home. So I was completely unprepared when a hand gripped my shoulder. I swiveled and brought my knee up, hard.
“Aaaagh!”
I’d just kneed Jacob in the nuts.
He doubled over in pain. “What’d you do that for?”
“Never, ever sneak up on a woman like that!”
“I didn’t sneak! I was calling your name. Holy jeez…Lucky I pack to the left and you aim to the right.”
“Sorry.”
He attempted to stand, wincing as he did so. “You want to tell me what really happened with Rachel?”
“I didn’t go after her with a carving knife.”
“I figured as much.”
I took a deep breath and came out with it. “I cut off her hair.”
“You what?”
“I was at her place, a few months after Maxine died. We were making greeting cards. She had really long hair then. It was pulled back in a braid.” We started walking again. “Owen was there. Her little brother. He and Max were the same age.” Tears started rolling, unbidden, down my face. “Owen kept making Rachel laugh. Then he toddled over and gave Rachel a hug and curled up in her lap. I felt like they were rubbing it in my face. And I snapped. I picked up my scissors and I grabbed her braid and I cut it off.”
Jacob just shook his head, speechless for once.
“Owen started to scream. Their parents came running. Rachel just kept feeling the back of her head and looking at me with this mystified expression on her face. And the worst part is, I didn’t even feel bad. I just thought, Now you know what it feels like to lose something.”
“And she never spoke to you again?”
“No, she did. She came over to our apartment a few nights later and said she forgave me. She still wanted to be friends. And I said to her…” I paused. “I said awful things.” I wiped one mittened hand across my face. “Then she never spoke to me again.” We had arrived outside the Arcadia. “Now you know the truth about me.”
“What truth?”
“That I’m not a good person.”
He was quiet for a moment. “You really think that?”
“Sometimes, when I got mad at Maxine, I told her I wished I was still an only child.” There. Now he knew everything.
I heard a whirring sound. Jacob took my chin in his carbon fiber hand. He tilted my face upward. With his other hand, he wiped a bead of snot from my nose. I was totally disgusted, and a tiny bit moved. “You’re wrong, Petula. You’re a good person. You’re a much better person than I am.”
“I find that hard to believe.”
He looked like he was about to say something more. But instead he put his real arm and his bionic one around me and held me close.
My body stiffened. My first instinct was to push him away.
But with my face pressed into the damp warmth of his orange parka, and the weight of his arms around me, my limbs started to relax. He held me like that for a long time. “You are your own worst enemy, Petula Harriet De Wilde.”
I couldn’t argue with him there.