On Tuesday I stopped by Mr. Watley’s office to pick up Jacob’s homework again. That was part of our arrangement: I would do twice-weekly deliveries until Jacob came back to school. “How are Fred and Ginger settling in?”
“Extremely well. Ethel is smitten, and truth be told, so am I.” Mr. Watley handed me a folder. “I don’t mean to pry, but how is Mr. Cohen?”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“But you saw him just last week.”
I shook my head. “I left his homework with the concierge.”
He looked at me with his watery eyes. “Petula…”
“What? Why can’t everyone get off my back? I’m doing what you asked. If you’re so curious, you go visit him.” I strode out of the office, stuffing the folder into my tote bag.
Why were people acting like I was the disappointment?
I walked to Jacob’s apartment, taking deep breaths as I passed the construction site. I still felt angry. When I was a block away, a man called out behind me. “Petula.”
I turned, keys between my knuckles.
It was Jacob’s dad, David. He had dark circles under his eyes, like he hadn’t slept in a while. “Do you have a moment?” he asked. “Can we walk around the block?”
No! my mind shouted. No, I don’t have a moment; no, I don’t want to walk around the block with you. “Um. Okay,” I said. “You’re home early.”
“We don’t think Jacob should be alone right now. Miranda and I are taking turns.”
Oh.
We started walking. “I know he told you,” David said.
I nodded.
“He’s been wanting to tell you for quite a while. I was the one who told him he shouldn’t.” He was hunched over, like a little old man. “He’s a beautiful soul, Petula. I know I’m his dad, but it’s not just me. If you could have known him in Toronto…he was the kid all the other kids liked. He was the kid who intervened when there were conflicts. He could move so easily between different cliques….He made people feel like they could be their best selves. Miranda and I would joke all the time, how did we luck out? How did we get a kid who is so much better than the best of the two of us?” His voice cracked, and he turned away for a moment. “And then all of this happened. Our beautiful boy made a terrible mistake. And watching him suffer, watching the other families suffer…I’m his dad, I should be able to do something.” David started to cry. I had no idea what to do, so I looked away.
“When he met you, and the others, it was the first time we saw a spark of his old self. You’ve made a huge difference to him. I want you to know that.”
“Okay.” That was my contribution to the most awkward conversation of my life.
We’d looped back and stood outside their building. I rummaged in my tote bag and pulled out the folder. “Jacob’s homework.”
David took the folder from me. I thought I was free and clear, but then he opened the door and held it for me. “You’re coming up, right?” His look was pleading.
I didn’t know what to do. I stepped inside. Serge the Concierge said hello. David pressed the elevator button. I saw my cowardly out. “I don’t do elevators,” I said. “But you go ahead. I’ll take the stairs.” When he got on the elevator, I would turn around and leave.
“I’ll take the stairs with you,” he said. “I could use the exercise.”
I had no more tricks up my sleeve.
Miranda was on the couch working on her laptop when we entered. “Oh! Petula.” She got up and embraced me. She looked exhausted. “It’s good to see you.”
“She’s come to see Jacob,” said David.
No, I haven’t!
“He’ll be happy to see you,” said Miranda.
She led me down the hall and knocked quietly on his bedroom door. My heart was pounding in my chest.
“Jacob,” she said, opening the door a crack. “Petula is here.”
Jacob was a lump under the covers. His robotic arm rested on the bedside table. The room smelled funky, like he hadn’t left it for a long time.
Jacob rolled over and opened his eyes. When he saw me, he smiled. “Hey.”
“I’ll leave you two,” said Miranda.
Part of me wanted to fling myself on the bed and hold him. Part of me wanted to fling myself on the bed and pummel him.
I stayed by the door.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I should have been honest from the start.”
“Yeah. You should have.”
We both fell silent.
“When I met you,” he began, “you were so…odd.”
Not off to a great start.
“But so beautiful.”
Better.
“And, I don’t know. Broken. Like me. And when we started hanging out…for the first time I didn’t feel like a total piece of garbage twenty-four seven.”
I knew all about feeling like garbage.
“I love you, Petula. That was never a lie.”
I wanted to believe him. I took a few steps toward his bed. “Koula and Alonzo want you to come back to YART.”
“What about Ivan?”
“He’s angry.”
“What about you?”
“I’m angry, too.”
Tears started rolling down his face. “This is going to be my life. I’ll meet people, we’ll get along. At some point I’ll have to tell them what I did. And then I’ll watch them pull away.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Based on the evidence so far, I can guess.”
I sat down on his bed.
“Do I stink?”
I leaned in close and sniffed. “Yes.”
“How about my breath?” He breathed on me.
“Gross.”
He took my hand.
“I have to ask you something,” I said. “Why haven’t you reached out to Frankie?”
“Because…he’s better off never hearing from me again.”
“And maybe because you’re scared?”
“That, too.” We fell into silence. “I have to ask you something, too,” he said after a while. “And you have to tell the truth.”
“Okay.”
“Will you be able to forgive me for everything I did? Will you be able to look at me the same way?”
I opened my mouth.
And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break his heart.
So for the first time I told Jacob a lie.
I said, “Yes.”