17

On Monday, the stone-gray sky cast a damp pall over Fiona’s world. The light through her bedroom window was the same when she woke up at four, overwhelmed by dread and unable to sleep, and seven, when she finally crawled out of bed. It was one of those days that just wouldn’t get any brighter.

When she finally left the house, a wind chillier than any this fall pierced her clothes, making her zip up her jacket and shiver as she got out her bike. Her eyes scanned the neighborhood, and she registered the first grinning pumpkins on lawns and shroud-wisped skeletons dangling from porches. She’d been too overwhelmed by her own problems to notice Halloween creeping up on Hamm, a time when people who would assault a young man indulged in a simple kind of scariness.

She was climbing onto her bike when Keller rolled up and honked for her. She considered blowing him off and riding away, but knew that was her being cowardly, not aloof. She dropped the bike, went to the car, and flopped into the passenger seat.

“So,” said Keller after they’d rolled down her block a ways, “what’s up?’

“Nothing much,” said Fiona, casually. “What’s up with you?”

“Nah, come on, Fiona, you know what I mean,” he said, his voice sharp and hurt.

“Look, Keller, it’s been a rough week, I don’t really want to—”

“This needs dealing with now,” he said decidedly. “First you freak out at Horace, then you start ignoring us, and now you’re hiding from us when we magically spot the Pit Viper at some café. Three strikes. You owe us an answer.”

Fiona chewed on her lips, trying to come up with the response Doug deserved. “It’s tough, okay?” was the best she could do.

“Jesus, Fiona, help me here,” he said. “Are you in trouble? Like, life-threatening trouble? Do you owe anyone money? Was hiding for our benefit?”

“Nothing like that,” she said, wishing that her situation was that dire, that she had a real problem for him to help her solve.

“So, then, you’re just being shitty for personal reasons,” he said, and then glanced at her. “Because you have. Lately, it feels like you’re too cool for us. Like you’re better than being our friend. And I know Hamm kind of sucks, and we’re not the coolest bunch in the world, but we’re still your friends. We’ve always been.”

“I know,” she said, unexpectedly. Some part of her wanted to sneer, roll her eyes, say, Who are you, Calvin fucking Hokes? Instead, the same incongruous guilt from the day before washed over her, making her hunch into her seat. Maybe it was Keller that got to her; she could easily snap back at someone like Calvin when he stared or Horace when he behaved like a goon, but Doug was an all-around good dude, kind of doofy at his very worst. “I know. I’ve been unfair to everyone. There’s just something…there’s a lot going on in my life that doesn’t concern you guys. And I guess I’ve been preoccupied by it lately.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Keller said. Fiona noticed that he was just circling blocks in her neighborhood—he wasn’t taking them to school until they were ready. He gulped and then said in a shaky voice, “Is it what I think it is?”

Oh, Keller, you have no idea, she thought, thinking how silly his salacious ideas would look next to an ancient book containing the song stuck in God’s head. But she didn’t want to lie to him, and figured the more she tried to pivot around the truth, the more tangled the web would become.

“Yeah,” she said. “Probably not all of it, but yeah. It’s exactly what you think.”

He silently nodded with an understanding look on his face, like he was well versed in the intimate workings of the human heart rather than a dude in a third-hand Chevy.

“And you don’t want people to know because you’re…embarrassed?” he asked.

“I just don’t want people making assumptions until I know what’s going on,” she said, and then she decided to get some of it off her chest. Not specifics—she didn’t want to accidentally fill any gaps in Doug’s imagination—but the raw feelings she’d been living with for the last twenty-four hours. “For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m doing something fresh and exciting, that makes me feel cool, and weird, and different every day. How rare is that, in Hamm? To wake up every day thinking everything feels new?”

He sighed. “You’re not lying.”

“But it’s all raw as fuck,” she said. “Like, sometimes it feels like I’m only living my dream if there’s Hamm to come back to if things get tough. So the idea of having to dodge people’s questions, or hear their assumptions spat back to me through the school grapevine…I’m not trying to do that right now. Right now, I want to let this happen in a controlled way, you know? Without Caroline wagging her eyebrows at me and Horace listening to a Sam Smith song on repeat.”

Keller coughed out a laugh and nodded. “Okay, fair enough. Some of our crew can be super ignorant. But that doesn’t mean they don’t miss you or aren’t worried about you. If you make them care, they’ll care. Shutting them out will just make them readier to spread rumors and talk shit.”

She nodded back. He was right—how were her friends supposed to know how she was feeling when it had been weeks since she’d said more than a few words at a time to them? Meanwhile, here was Doug with concern for her in his voice, telling her flat-out that she was missed. Sure, breaking up with Horace had been the right thing to do—she didn’t regret that for a second—but the rest of her friends hadn’t done anything wrong, and she hoped that she and Horace could at least be civil to each other.

And Rita. Rita had tried to talk to her about it. Fiona missed her so badly. If Rita was worried, then Fiona was doing something wrong.

“You’re right,” she said. “I’m sorry, Keller, I didn’t mean to disappear. I’ve just been really preoccupied lately, and it’s been making me act like a jackass.”

“Happens to the best of us,” he said and turned toward school. “Hey, this afternoon, maybe we all go out. You, me, Rita, Caroline, maybe Penny. Get a doughnut at Chance’s or go see a movie or something, just get everyone in the same space together. Totally random. What do you say?”

After a moment, Fiona nodded slowly. The potential for awkwardness was high, but she could brave it. “Okay. Let’s do it.”

“Rad,” said Doug.

“Thanks, Doug,” she said, giving him a warm smile. Doug Keller, always a good dude. She hit the stereo, excited to hear what jam was waiting for her—Stiff Little Fingers? Wavves?

Instead, a track from Peter’s album filled the car with its eerie pounding.

“Sorry,” said Doug.

“It’s fine,” said Fiona, switching it off.

After school, she paced outside of Keller’s car out in the parking lot, blasting Monster Truck on her headphones and simmering with nerves about seeing her friends. She’d managed to avoid her crew all day, telling herself over and over that she’d see them after school, and soon Doug’s casual outing for a movie or whatever had become the focal point of her day. She’d catch a sliver of Penny Kim in a crowd, or hear Caroline’s laugh down the hall, and think, No, wait, after school you’ll meet up, and you’ll go for a ride, and you can be friendly to everyone, and if they accept you, your life in Hamm is all right and you can try and make Peter a part of it, gradually, eventually. After school, it’ll all be made clear. Don’t jump the gun, don’t improvise.

She turned to walk to the tail of Keller’s car for the fortieth time, only to find Tess Baron in her path. The girl’s extra-baggy sweater billowed around her in the harsh breeze, making her look larger than she actually was; Fiona vaguely remembered reading something about cobras doing the same thing with their hoods to frighten potential predators.

“Hey, Tess,” said Fiona, pulling off her headphones. “Everything okay?”

Tess laughed in a pitying little way. Fiona thought it might have sounded biting in school, but the breeze carried it off, making Tess sound small and silly to Fiona.

“I know what you’re doing,” said Tess.

Goddammit. She’d tried so hard to keep word from getting out. She mentally told herself to calm down—maybe Tess was just talking out her ass—but the knowing tone in the girl’s voice turned Fiona’s nerves up to eleven.

“Is that right?” said Fiona.

“Yup,” chirped Tess. “I know people, and they tell me things. Your little Saturday hangouts with Calvin Hokes? Your breakup with Horace Palmada? I know exactly what you’re up to, Fiona Jones.”

Fiona clenched her teeth so hard she worried one of them might pop. She hadn’t told anyone other than Keller. What was going on? Were Tess’s friends in the city talking? That PM creep, maybe, or some other asshole Peter ran with? Either way, it was bad news. If her father and Edgar Hokes were already on the lookout, Fiona had to keep this as quiet as possible.

“Look, Tess, I’ve got no beef with you,” she said, holding her hands up. “I don’t know what this is you’re trying to start with me, but I want no part of it. Whatever you think I’m doing wrong, I’ll stop. Just, please, leave me alone.”

“You need to back off,” responded Tess, pointing a finger at Fiona. “This is mine, okay? I brought him to this stupid, sleepy little town. I want him. He’s mine.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” she said. “I don’t care.”

“You think I won’t blow up your spot?” said Tess. Her eyes sparkled with sociopathic glee. “Your dad’s always coming by to try and butter up my parents into joining the town council. What if, as a concerned neighbor, my father was forced to tell him that his daughter is spending her weekends with some guy, some older guy? Hmm? How do we think that would go over, Fiona—”

That. Was. IT.

In less than a second, Fiona had Tess’s collar in her fist. She swung the girl’s body around like it was nothing and slammed her back against the side of Keller’s car, relishing Tess’s cry of surprise.

Fiona’s gut told her she should walk away, shake her head, and say, Fine, whatever, but the rage that welled up inside of her was palpable, so powerful she could taste it in the air around her.

This was exactly what she’d been trying to avoid, and she’d be damned if it happened like this…and anyway, truly, deeply, absolutely fuck Tess Baron. Fuck her stupid designer outfits and her perpetually dull eyes. Fuck her for thinking she could in any way tell Fiona what to do. Fuck her snobby tone when talking about the town council. The stunned look on Tess’s face told Fiona that the girl had nothing on Peter, or on her. Tess was a pufferfish who’d tried to show off her spikes and was being rudely deflated. Good.

“Try it, Tess,” deadpanned Fiona. “You think for a second he’d give me up for you? Why, I could stomp you right here, and he’d laugh about it when I told him later. You can play at being hardcore, but I’m the real deal. So, go ahead, push me. Spread a bunch of lies about me, get my dad involved. And”—she slammed the butt of her hand against the car’s side inches from Tess’s face, loving the sting on her palm and the shriek that erupted from Tess’s gloss-covered lips—“see what happens, bitch. See. What. Fucking. Happens—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” All at once, hands were on Fiona’s shoulders, yanking her back. She finally let go of Tess’s collar, and the girl ran off into the parking lot as fast as her trendy-ass chunky heels would allow.

Fiona shrugged off whoever pulled her away and whirled, only to face Rita, whose huge eyes were full of heartbreak and outrage. Behind her, Caroline, Keller, and Penny stood frozen in total shock.

“Jesus Christ, Fiona, are you out of your mind?” yelled Rita, throwing wide her hands. “You could’ve hurt her!”

“That was the idea!” snapped Fiona. “Did you hear the things she said? That human garbage pile needs someone to teach her what’s what!”

“And that’s you?” laughed Rita in disbelief. “You’re going to beat the poser out of Tess in the parking lot? Jesus, dude, she’s one of us, you can’t just—”

“US?” Now it was Fiona’s turn to throw out a laugh. “What group are we part of that includes that insufferable creature? How are you standing up for Tess fucking Baron, of all people?”

For a moment, Rita’s face flashed insecurity, but then it hardened with resolve. “We’ve known Tess our whole lives. We grew up here together, we went to school together. Just because she sucks now doesn’t mean we start beating on her when she acts the fool—”

“Rita, think about who Tess Baron is!” screamed Fiona. “That chick deserves a chewing out, a beating, and more! Think about who you’re talking about!”

“Who are you, Fiona?” asked Rita. “Tell me that. I have no clue anymore.”

Fiona felt the sting of Rita’s comment, but it was quickly swallowed by complete resignation. She shook her head, a smile of brutal realization crossing her face. After all her worry and embarrassment, Peter had been right about them. All Fiona had done was fight back when some bipedal parasite had threatened her, but because she wasn’t nice about it, or because she didn’t play by the age-old rules of Hamm, Ohio, Rita considered her dangerous. Well, screw that. She couldn’t be dragged down by people too stupid and afraid to see the world for what it was, especially when she had someone in her life who saw the hidden music behind everything. They were patient. They were careful. The Pit Viper told them to keep it secret. And to them, his word was law.

“Never mind,” she said calmly, holding up her hands and turning around. “Don’t worry about me, Rita. You have fun with all of this. Maybe I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah, hopefully you won’t throw me against a car and take a swing at me like some schoolyard bully,” called Rita.

“Hopefully!” Fiona called back over her shoulder, and began walking home alone.