MY VIEW OF London from my Canary Wharf office holds none of its usual charm. I disconnect the call to a member of my legal team. The good news that Kimoto Corp finally purchased my artificial intelligence software for a nine-figure sum falls hollow. I stare blindly out of my window, frozen with inertia.
I’ll probably make the business news tomorrow, for all the right reasons. But the victory means less—nothing, in fact—when I can’t celebrate with Neve.
I scrub a hand over my face, closing my eyes for a brief moment. I see her face, her look of horror when I told her how much like Slay I’d behaved in the past. I wrench my eyes open. I don’t need to see that expression to recall it, because that’s the moment I knew I’d lost her for good. Both any feelings she had for me and her friendship.
So how the hell do I move on now?
My indiscretion is in the past. Teenage years are the time to make mistakes and grow up. The point is to outgrow that propensity. Some of us do, and some of us don’t—like Slay. But I made another mistake back then. A worse one, with longer reaching consequences.
I hid my feelings for Neve. I told myself I didn’t deserve her, and denied my attraction, and that’s the thing I’d change if I had one time-travelling wish.
Because I love her and there’s nothing more real, more deserving.
I don’t want to move on. I don’t have to. I just need to convince her that no one will ever love her more.
I jolt to my feet, energised into action. At that moment a message arrives from my assistant.
‘I have Neve Grayson here. She says it’s urgent.’
I fumble to fasten my jacket buttons as I stride to the door. I swing it open, my heart in my throat. And there she is.
Her cheeks are ruddy, perhaps from the cold outside, and she’s huffing, as if she took the stairs all the way to the fortieth floor.
‘Hi,’ I say, stunned by the wonderful, beautiful sight of her, an automatic smile tugging my mouth. ‘I was just on my way to find you. Come in.’ I step aside, gesture her into the office and close the door.
I don’t think my heart could beat any faster.
She turns to face me and for several endless seconds we stand and stare.
I snap to my senses. ‘Would you like a drink?’ I ask, not sure what to do with my hands short of touching her, so I stuff them in my pockets.
‘No, thanks.’ She fidgets with the scarf in her hand.
‘Can I take your coat?’ Why is this so awkward? And how can I make it right? Because I need to make it right. I refuse to lose her. I’ll do whatever it takes, be whatever she wants. But her absence from my life is not an option I can tolerate.
She shrugs out of the coat and tosses it on the leather sofa nearby. ‘I’m sorry to interrupt. I’m sure you’re busy.’
‘I’m not too busy for you,’ I say, my mouth full to bursting with all the other things I want to say. ‘You look great, by the way.’ Her tan still glows, bringing out the flecks of moss-green in her eyes. ‘I missed you.’
Fuck it. I don’t care if she hates me now. I don’t care that I might be repulsive in her eyes. I need to tell her all the things crushing me, because I should have said them nine years ago and I have nothing else to lose.
‘Oliver...’ Her hesitation sickens me, but I’m past caring, because I’m less without her, and I want to be whole. To be worthy of her, even if I can’t be with her.
‘I need to tell you something,’ I say. ‘I should have told you this nine years ago. I love you, Neve. I should have said it sooner.’
My voice catches and I make a fist inside my pocket. ‘Perhaps you can’t think of me that way, after...everything...but I still want you to know how I feel. Because you were never second best. I chose you the day we met. You were a breath of fresh air in my life. You rescued me from the destructive, self-loathing path I’d gone down. I wanted you in my life but I wasn’t ready, wasn’t mature enough to handle you back then, to deserve you. You mattered to me more than anyone else. You still do. And you always will.’
She swallows hard, her big eyes round.
‘And you were right about me.’ I rush on, saying it all before she decides to leave. ‘Everything you said was true. I’m not Slay. Nothing like him. I don’t care what other people say or think. Because all I really care about is you. Your happiness. And, if you’re happier without me in your life, or if you want to just go back to being friends, then I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this, because you make me a better man. You always have. And I absolutely cannot lose you.’ I take a half-step closer. ‘I can’t.’
Her hands flinch at her sides, the only move she makes. I swallow down the crushing trepidation that feels like acid and force my features into some sort of neutral smile, while every emotion roars in my head, warp-factor ten.
‘I don’t want to be your friend,’ she says.
I exhale a part of me I know I’ll never get back.
‘I understand.’ I hate the flatness of my voice, because I’m a liar. I just told her whatever she wanted would be okay with me. But it’s not okay. It will never be okay that she’s not mine.
‘No.’ She shakes her head. ‘I don’t think you do, because I’ve always hidden how I feel about you.’ She steps closer too, so we’re only a couple of feet apart. One move and I could touch her, but instead I force myself to focus on her words.
‘I lied and pretended and denied my feelings so I could be your friend. I told myself I stood no chance with you, so what was the point of risking your friendship?’ she says. ‘Because that was the only way I could handle my feelings for you and keep them a secret. I took any part of you I could get rather than being nothing to you.’
‘You were never nothing,’ I bite out, pressure building in my head. ‘You’re everything.’
She wrings her hands. ‘But I deceived you. Because a part of me has always loved you from the start, and now I’m so desperately in love with you that I messed everything up.’
I shake my head. Her words make no sense. I’m the one who messed up.
‘I hurt you when you opened yourself up to me, because I was too scared to be as vulnerable as you were.’ Her eyes plead. ‘But friendship won’t satisfy me any longer. I want more. I want all of you—every bad, sexy, playful, caring inch.’
I can hardly compute what she’s saying. ‘You should have told me.’ It comes out sounding like an recrimination but the only person I blame is myself. ‘Back then. And I should have told you.’
She nods. ‘Maybe neither of us was ready nine years ago, but I should have told you how I feel in the Maldives rather than let you leave thinking I care about something you did as an angry, confused teenager. I don’t care about anything but you. Us. I don’t care about Slay, or the past or the press. I just want you. I love you.’
I stride to her, then scoop her up in my arms and kiss her. ‘I love you too. God, do I love you.’ I kiss her smiling lips. ‘So much. So much it hurts.’
Her arms come around my waist, under my suit jacket, and she holds me tight. She laughs, tears in her eyes as she accepts my crazed kisses peppering her face and returns them with a few of her own. But it’s not enough. It will never be enough. I’ll always want more of my wondrous Neve.
‘We’re such idiots.’ She sniffs and buries her head against my chest, over my pounding heart.
‘I agree. There are elements of the ridiculous about us, but that’s why we’re meant for each other.’
‘You really love me?’ she asks, a soft murmur.
I nod, my chest full to bursting. ‘I love you so much that I can’t breathe or think or function without you. I love you so much that I binge-watched that baking show you love last night. I’ve binned any trace of coconut in my pantry, just in case, and I found four videos of cute puppies I want to send you—the ones that make you cry.’
Her smile tears my heart in two. ‘That is a lot.’
I stride to the sofa, sitting down with her in my lap so we can resume the kissing in comfort.
She straddles my thighs, her skirt riding up as our kisses grow heated. Then she pulls back, the look of love and lust on her face making her more exquisite than ever. ‘Do you have meetings this afternoon?’ She wriggles on my lap and I forget what day it is, let alone what’s on my schedule.
‘Yes,’ I say with a sinking feeling in my gut. ‘You?’
‘Yes.’ She sighs, leaning forward to kiss my neck.
‘I’ll cancel them,’ I tell her without hesitation. There’s nothing more important to me than Neve.
She looks up with that naughty glint in her eye, her bottom lip trapped under her teeth. ‘I will too. Let’s be bad and play hooky together.’
‘Deal.’ I kiss her once more. ‘But first I need to do something.’ I retrieve the ring box from my pocket. Even consumed with business during my brief trip to Japan, she was at the forefront of my mind. Purchasing an engagement ring I know she’ll love was my first priority when the plane touched down.
I take the ring from the box, feeling her held breath and her eyes on me, and hold it up between us. ‘I should have done it properly the first time, because I meant every word. So I’ll ask you again. A fresh start.
‘Neve Sara Grayson, I’ll love you for ever. I’m less without you. So, will you marry me?’
‘Yes,’ she says, laughing and crying at the same time. Kissing me, holding out her trembling hand for my ring.
I press a kiss to her ring finger, my lips lingering for a few heartbeats, and then slide the diamond in place. ‘There—now you’re finally mine.’
‘Yes, and you’re mine—so take me home, so we can do dirty things to each other.’
‘Whatever you say, my darling. It will be my pleasure.’