You hear people say this all the time: “I have a right to be upset because of the way I’ve been treated. I have a right to be angry, hurt, depressed, sad, and resentful.” Learning to avoid this kind of thinking is one of my top recommendations for living a life of inner peace, success, and happiness. Anytime you’re filled with resentment, you’re turning the controls of your emotional life over to others to manipulate. Today’s topic is taking responsibility for everything (and I mean everything) in your life.
I became aware of how powerful this lesson was many years ago while sitting in on a meeting of 12 people who were in a recovery group for alcoholism and drug addiction. All 12 of those people were accustomed to blaming others for their weaknesses, using almost any excuse as a rationale for returning to their self-defeating ways. On a poster hanging in the room were these words: “In this group, there are no justified resentments.”
Regardless of what anyone would say to another group member, no matter how confrontational or ugly the accusations, each person was reminded that there are no justified resentments. You may need to consider whom you resent before you can make your own choice about whether this is useful for you. Resentments give you an excuse to return to your old ways. This is what got you there in the first place!
You may be familiar with a popular television show called Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? If the contestant answers 15 multiple-choice questions, he or she wins a million dollars. Starting with a $100 question, the person in the “hot seat” answers five questions before reaching the $1,000 level. At this point, the person is guaranteed to leave with something. Then the questions increase in difficulty. If the contestant reaches $32,000, again, there is a guarantee of leaving with that amount. So, there are two crucial levels to attain: the $1,000 level, which is achieved by answering five relatively simple questions; and the $32,000 level, which involves five increasingly difficult questions.
I’ve just related details about this TV program to present the idea of the two levels that you must achieve in order to have a chance at the highest “million-dollar” level of awareness. The $1,000 level is one in which you learn to leave blame behind in your life. If you don’t do so, you go home with nothing.
Removing blame means never assigning responsibility to anyone for what you’re experiencing. It means that you’re willing to say, “I may not understand why I feel this way, why I have this illness, why I’ve been victimized, or why I had this accident, but I’m willing to say without any guilt or resentment that I own it. I live with it and I am responsible for having it in my life.” Why do this? If you take responsibility for having it, then at least you have a chance to also take responsibility for removing it or learning from it.
If you’re in some small (perhaps unknown) way responsible for that migraine headache or that depressed feeling, then you can go to work to remove it or discover what its message is for you. If, on the other hand, someone or something else is responsible in your mind, then of course you’ll have to wait until they change for you to get better. And that is unlikely to occur. So, at the $1,000 level, blame has to go. Otherwise you go home with nothing and are unable to participate at the higher levels.
You must be willing to pass a new test at the second critical level, the $32,000 question, which is the final obstacle you must face in order to move into the more exalted realm of self-actualization and higher consciousness, the million-dollar spiritual level. At this level, you must be willing to send the higher, faster energies of love, peace, joy, forgiveness, and kindness as your response to whatever comes your way. This is the start of the uncrowded extra mile where you have only love to give away.
Someone says something to you that you find disagreeable, and rather than opting for resentment, you are able to depersonalize what you’ve just heard and respond with kindness. You would rather be kind than right. You have no need to make others wrong or to retaliate when you’ve been wronged. You do this for yourself. There is a Chinese proverb, “If you’re going to pursue revenge, you’d better dig two graves.” Your resentments will destroy you. They are low energies. And along the extra mile, you’ll only meet others who have fully grasped this concept. The ones who haven’t made it to this level are all back with the crowd who went out of the game long ago on an easier question, and most are still back there wondering why they keep going home with nothing! But I can assure you that they continue to blame others for their emptiness.
First, you have to get past blame. Then you have to learn to send love to all, rather than anger and resentment. The story is told of the enlightened master who always responded to outbursts of criticism, judgment, and ridicule with love, kindness, and peace. One of his devotees asked him how he could possibly be so kind and peaceful in the face of such disparaging invective. His response to the devotee was this question: “If someone offers you a gift, and you do not accept that gift, to whom does the gift belong?” Ask yourself, “Why would I allow something that belongs to someone else to be a source of my resentment?” As the title of a popular book says, “What you think of me is none of my business.” Indeed, there are no justified resentments if you wish to walk along the extra mile and enjoy inner peace and success on every step of the path.