Many of the most difficult obstacles in our pursuit of happy, healthy, and abundant love and sex lives are the emotional and psychological ones. Living in a culture that despises fatness means that merely learning to like and love ourselves without shame can be hard work. Yet this is precisely what we have to do in order to be open to the kinds of excitement, pleasure, and big sustaining loves that we want in our lives. This section covers many parts of the ongoing project of defining and developing yourself as a sexy, vital, desiring, and desired human being, including learning to like what you see in the mirror, coping with both positive and negative attention, being more comfortable getting naked in front of other people, and making peace with your belly … and maybe even with your mom.
The biggest and most difficult problem fat people encounter with regard to sexuality really has very little to do with sex itself. It doesn’t have anything to do with finding other people who think they are attractive or desirable, either. The biggest and most difficult problems fat people encounter with regard to sex are (1) believing that they are desirable and (2) getting over body-related shame.
“Can we erase the shame that kills the libido sometimes? ’Cause seriously. You’re amazing.”
When you are ashamed of your body and don’t believe that you’re desirable, a thousand people can be clamoring for your attentions and you still won’t buy it. When you’ve convinced yourself that you’re not anything anyone else would want, you won’t feel sexy, you won’t feel cute, and you won’t feel handsome or sassy or confident. You probably won’t take a chance on flirting, let alone making a pass at someone, if you’re convinced that they couldn’t possibly be interested. When you’re stuck in your own little world of unlovability and undesirability, you might not even be able to take someone seriously when they tell you flat out that they’re interested.
So how do you learn to believe that you really are desirable? How can you rewire your thought processes so that you are able to see yourself as someone who is interesting, attractive, cute, sexy, and well worth anybody’s attention?
There’s no quick fix. You didn’t learn to hate fat bodies in a single day or a single year. It took growing up and spending many years in a society in which fat bodies are considered the legitimate subjects of all kinds of mockery and abuse, to internalize the idea that because you are fat, it is absolutely impossible that anyone could find you desirable. We live in a culture where even celebrities who are conventionally beautiful, thin, toned, rich, and admired often think of themselves as ugly ducklings whose success could vanish overnight if they don’t stick to rigorous, constant diet and exercise regimes to try to toe the line and continue to “look good enough.”
“Twice I’ve had guys tell me they were interested in me and wanted to go out and I basically just said no and then avoided them. I was convinced they were lying or maybe trying to set me up as a joke, ha ha, it’s so funny when the fat girl thinks you’re into her, ha ha, or that they thought I’d be desperate and easy. Found out later that one of them at least was really upset and really did have a thing for me. I have to say I still don’t really understand why.”
This isn’t false modesty on their part, really. It’s the result of a culture where no body is ever good enough, ever pretty enough, ever thin or toned or perfect enough. It’s the product of a society where just about the worst thing you can say about anyone and the insult most likely to get straight under someone’s skin, particularly if they’re female, is to call that person “fat.” This is what teaches fat people to despise themselves to the point that they can’t even admit that someone else might find them desirable. And it takes some time and effort to even begin to undo it.
“The single best thing I did in terms of learning to accept my own body for what it is was to stop watching television. Kill your TV! You’ll be surprised how much free time you have, and also how much less toxic imagery is filling up your head and making you think less of yourself.”
Learning to accept yourself, and to understand that you too can be desirable, starts with learning to expand your horizons. Changing what you see when you see other fat people is a great way to start changing what you see when you look in the mirror. When you are able to see what might be attractive about other people whose bodies are more like yours than they are like, say, Halle Berry’s, your chances of being able to see what others might find desirable about yours are vastly increased.
As an exercise, try finding something to compliment in every fat person you see. You don’t have to actually pay the compliment, of course, although you can, and it’s a great thing to do. Perhaps you see a fat woman with beautiful skin or a wonderful fashion sense. Maybe you notice a fat man who carries himself with grace or whose eyes have a sparkly glint that’s irresistible. Check out those powerful calves on that dude over there! Look at how sassy that big girl over there looks in that skinny little pencil skirt! There is almost always something that you can, with complete honesty, see as appealing.
Another thing that can be useful in helping you change the way you see fat bodies, says health counselor Golda Poretsky, is to start really paying attention when you look around you. “Part of the struggle with believing that someone else finds you attractive is that we get conditioned by advertising, other forms of media, and often by people in our lives that in order to be attractive you need to be thin, or at least thinner. But when you actually look at the people around you, you start to notice a different reality. Most of us know fat people who are in great relationships. We also know fat people in less great relationships and who are single. We also know thin people who are single and in not-so-great relationships and in great relationships. In other words, when you look at people you actually know and their dating lives, you can start to let go of some of the assumptions about size and attractiveness.” This makes sense. When you let yourself notice the genuine variety of what’s actually out there, the stereotype and media version of what’s supposedly “real” and “true” increasingly gets cut down to size.
“I believe growing up morbidly obese allowed me the opportunity to be completely divorced from our culture’s standards of beauty, so I could make my own. I could decide that I’m beautiful as I am, without much pressure to change one thing or another (since it would take SO much change to fit in!). I came to value authenticity above cultural norms, and that has led me to amazing relationships and an amazing sex life. I’m certain there are other paths to those values, but this one was my path.”
The best advice I ever got about how to succeed—at pretty much anything in the social arena—was “Fake it ’til you make it.” I know some people think it’s putting the cart before the horse—that if you don’t genuinely have or feel whatever it is, no amount of faking it will help the situation. And this might well be true if what you’re trying to fake is, let’s say, performing surgery, juggling chainsaws, or playing a piano concerto. When it comes to self-confidence and a good sexy self-image, on the other hand, faking it ’til you make it not only helps, but it can actually create the very thing you’re trying to emulate.
In social situations, and particularly with new people, you want to be the very best version of yourself that you can. The very best version of yourself is, without question, a confident one—not arrogant, not conceited, not pushy, just confident: confident that you can go after what you want, confident that there’s a good chance you might get it, confident that if you don’t get it after all you’ll still be just fine. People who exude that sort of confidence are pleasant and encouraging to be around. The attitude is likeable and contagious and very attractive. You know how with some people, it’s hard to know whether you want them or you want to be them or maybe both? Confidence is a big part of what provokes that sort of reaction.
Golda Poretsky is a New York City–based health counselor with a background in integrative nutrition who decided to stop dieting—permanently—in 2007. Since then, through her company Body Love Wellness, she has been counseling people of all sizes and sexes on how to develop more self-loving, self-nurturing, and happier relationships with their bodies, in workshops, one-on-one counseling, and phone counseling.
Q: Even the most body-loving of us sometimes has bad days. How do you help people cope with it when they’re having a serious Ugly Fit?
A: A big part of accepting and loving yourself and your body is accepting the fact that you’re not always going to feel 100 percent fabulous and making sure to accept and love yourself up when it does happen. One of the best things to do is to treat yourself as if you’re a researcher of your own life. Notice the people and situations that trigger Ugly Fits, whether it’s being reviewed at work, having to wear a bridesmaid dress, or particular relatives or friends. Then when that negative voice creeps up, you can tell yourself, “Oh, I’m feeling this way because this is the way I always feel when [thing] happens.” You can also remind yourself that when that negative voice shows up, you don’t have to agree with it and let it bring you down. Acknowledge its presence and remind yourself that it’s not the truth.
Q: What are some good strategies for regrouping and recuperating after your ability to accept your own attractiveness has taken a hit—after you’ve gotten insulted on the street or your mother has nagged you about how much nicer you’d look if you could wear that in a smaller size, or whatever?
A: I could give a bunch of tips here, but there’s a bigger point I’d like to make. Here’s the thing about deciding to love your body and feel attractive no matter what—it’s a completely revolutionary act. You are constantly in opposition to a system of oppression that has infiltrated every aspect of society, and, as such, the path you’ve chosen is not easy. You are going to face people and situations all the time that challenge your truth and your path. And you have to decide in those moments and after those moments, “Do I want to give my power up to this status quo of oppression, or do I keep fighting?”
That doesn’t mean that you always have to have a snappy comeback when you get insulted on the street, or fight with your mom all the time about your size, but it does mean that you have to move through your life acknowledging your self-worth, your beauty, and your power. Know that you are a revolutionary, you are fighting the power, you are changing society by not giving in to all of its rules, and you are bringing along others with your example, whether you are always aware of it or not. It’s not comfortable to be a revolutionary, but it’s also where the biggest rewards are. So when you have these moments where your attractiveness takes a hit, take back your power by acknowledging the fact that you are a hot, sexy, body-loving revolutionary.
Q: If you could wave your magic wand and have every fat person in America do three things to help their ability to see and understand their own attractiveness and desirability, what would those three things be?
A: I love this question. Though it’s hard to pick only three, I would say (1) have weekly self-care rituals that you enjoy, (2) make sure to wear clothes that you like, and (3) use affirmations or mantras that turn you on and make you feel good when you say them or think them.
The first one, self-care rituals, is really about putting the attention on yourself and doing something just because it gives you pleasure. Self-care rituals can be anything from taking a candlelit bath with your favorite music playing to taking a dance class to playing with your dog. By consistently making time for yourself, putting yourself first, and connecting with your pleasure, you naturally become more alive and more attractive to others.
Second, wearing clothes that you like is so important. As fat people, we get a weird mixed message around shopping. Many of us feel like we should wear clothes that hide and cover our bodies and buy clothes that are too small, to encourage us to stick to a diet. This is just insanity! You’ve got to let go of the clothes that are way too small as well as the clothes that make you feel dumpy. Experiment and have fun with dressing the body that you have right now.
Third, using affirmations is hugely helpful. I know it sounds goofy, and I’ve had a lot of clients who were resistant to the idea, but once they started using affirmations it had a really powerful impact on their ability to see their attractiveness. Start with a really simple one, like “I’m attractive” or “I’m beautiful.” Think it when you’re walking down the street. Write it out in a journal. Say it in front of a mirror. You may have lots of resistance and it may even seem like a huge lie, but as you keep reinforcing this truth, you will begin to feel it within.
In your opinion, what are the best things about sexuality as a fat person?
“Cuddliness. I’m so lovely and soft, I like to cuddle myself.”
“I love my soft belly, my hips and my solid thighs. I love lying on my back and feeling the way my breasts sort of fall to the side, the curve as my chest flattens down and bulges at the side. That to me is fantastically sexy. And of course I love having sex with fat men!”
“My BOUNDLESS, rugby-team-beating, willing-to-take-on-a-whole-flock-of-Dykes-on-Bikes sexual appetite.”
“Surprising people when they realize I’m not ashamed of my body.”
“We are just so opulent, aren’t we? I mean we are all curves, all softness. I have super silky skin and that is great for sex. Also, more surface area means more areas to touch. I think the wonderful thing about being fat is that it has made me really confront my body and my sexuality. Being so comfortable with who I am makes sex great.”
“NOT worrying about the ways in which my body moves—my fat has a life of its own, and the movements of sex are echoed in the movement of my fat!”
“My partner and I, both fat, are honest and caring and frank with one another. We laugh all the time, and enjoy the hell out of each other. That’s the best thing—both in bed and out.”
“We are fucking good in bed.”
“My softness by far. I am also married to a man who loves every inch of me. I can be totally naked and bending over to pick up socks, and he thinks I am hot. It feels amazing. So—during sex, I get all naked, leave the lights on and leave any inhibitions on the floor with my panties.”
“I have lots of flesh and skin, which means lots of sensation pleasure. I like the feeling of my flesh and skin sliding against a partner’s and the thud of our bodies together, resounding in the room and through my body.”
“I’ve been a thin person and a fat person. The sex I had when I was thin was certainly more athletic, but I was also having it with clueless fumbling college boys. The sex I have when I’m fat (and both my partners are large men) is more meandering and sensual. It’s less goal-oriented. ‘Let’s stay in bed all day.’ My partners know what they like and what the hell they’re doing, and I know what I like and what I’m doing. I don’t know if that’s a specific advantage of fat, but it is an advantage of age and increased confidence.”
“I didn’t grow up fat, but thin does not equal pretty. I had zits, perms, glasses, horrific orthodontia, and zero social skills or fashion sense as a kid. The thing I had going for me was intelligence. I got rewarded for being smart. It freed me from a lot of the oppression that women and girls get around their looks.”
“Oddly enough, I grew more confident as I grew in size, because once I passed a certain weight I didn’t waste any more time debating whether or not to take off my shirt for fear that my partner would notice the rolls of fat on my belly. After I gained weight, the rolls of fat were visible whether I was wearing clothes or not, so I no longer feared that the person I was flirting with had mistaken me for someone with a lingerie-model’s body, only to be disappointed when I stripped. I never worried about ‘do I look fat in this position?’ as some of my slender friends had worried, because of course I did! I felt free from worry!”
“Having never really fit the cultural ideal, what physical enjoyment I experience has already been fought for and won. Some battles are behind me that other women my age have yet to face.”
Acting as if you really can go after what you want, secure in the knowledge that you have as good a chance as anyone and will be just fine whatever happens, goes a long way. It’s what’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy. It won’t necessarily give you the Midas touch. Nor will it instantly change everything about the way you think and feel about yourself, or even just about risk taking. Over time, though, it makes a pretty significant dent.
One of the things that you learn when you take the “fake it ’til you make it” path is that real disaster happens a lot less often than you might fear. Most of the time, if you go into a situation assuming that you’ll be just fine no matter what happens, you really will. Similarly, if you go into a situation with the attitude that there’s no real reason that your size or weight should be an impediment to having a good time or meeting someone interesting or leaving with the phone number of that cutie you met last week, chances are better than average that you’ll be absolutely right.
If “fake it ’til you make it” seems too, well, fake, here’s another way to think about the same general thing: think of it in terms of acting like the kind of person you want to be when you grow up. We all have an ideal in our heads of the kind of competent, high-functioning person we’d like to be, the kind of smart, effective person we imagine we would really enjoy being. Sometimes we think of this ideal self as what we’d be like if only we were thin: “I’d be more like that if I lost the weight.” And that’s the whole point: you don’t have to wait. You don’t have to wait until you grow up, you don’t have to wait until you lose weight, you don’t have to wait until there’s an out lesbian in the Oval Office. There’s nothing stopping you from being more like who you are, or who you want to be, this very minute.
So what would the person you want to be when you grow up be thinking as he went into a social situation? How would he approach an attractive stranger? What would she say if someone interesting asked for a phone number or for a date or a hookup? How would that person deal with a “thanks, but no thanks” from someone he had approached? How would she explain to a sex partner exactly how she liked to be touched? If you can figure this out, you don’t have to wait: you can start doing it now.
Sometimes this approach will work better than others. Sometimes it will feel more organic and natural than others. This is normal and totally to be expected. Keep working toward being your best version of yourself, and in time you will begin to realize that your best self is, after all, just part of your real self, and that you do have a bountiful personal supply of exactly the kind of confidence and competence that will always stand you in good stead. It doesn’t matter what you weigh, it doesn’t matter what you wear: it’s yours, and all you have to do is make it so.
As a result of our fat-hating culture, fat people often grow up with the belief that their sexual and romantic desires don’t really matter because they’re fat. Beggars can’t be choosers, we’re told. Only beautiful, thin, conventionally attractive people get to have exactly what they want in love and romance. Fat people have to make do with what they can get.
How lovely to know that this isn’t true! Getting what one wants in love and sex is not a cosmic reward that is bestowed upon people when they have finally achieved “The Correct Body.” In real life, sex and love lives happen to people with all kinds of bodies. They are usually an untidy—but potentially highly satisfying—mixture of what people want, what’s available to choose from, and what they and their partner(s) can create together.
Knowing what you want is part of the process of getting it, or at least getting something close enough to be satisfying. You don’t have to specify a lot of details; in fact, too many details and specifics can be more of a hindrance than a help. But general parameters are great. Do you want a casual relationship or a serious one? Do you want a relationship that includes sex right from the start or one where sex will come into the picture only when you feel emotionally committed to one another? Do you like a relationship with a sizeable friendship component or do you believe that sexual relationships and friendships shouldn’t mix? It’s good, and very useful, to know where you stand and what you’re looking for.
Sometimes it helps to think about this question in terms of what you don’t want. You may not know yet whether you want a casual relationship or a serious one, but if you know that you definitely don’t want a relationship with someone who is rebounding from a previous relationship, that certainly helps narrow the field and puts a useful boundary into place. You might not know whether you’re going to want a relationship to be sexual right from the start or whether you’re going to want to wait a little, but you may know that you are not interested in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your political beliefs. This is one of the places where prior relationships—even the serious crash-and-burn ones—come in really handy. As an old teacher of mine used to say, “No one is useless; they can always serve as a bad example.” The bad examples in your past can also make up part of a useful checklist of “don’t wants” for your future.
You’ll notice that there are some kinds of things I haven’t suggested as “things to want,” like hair color, height, weight, or other appearance-related things. That’s because although we all have our preferences for appearances and style and so on, good love, good sex, and great relationships can look like a lot of things. Have all the preferences you like, but remember that there is also a very real possibility that excellent relationships and fantastic sex partners may come in physical packages that are not necessarily exactly like your fantasy ideal. Sometimes looks and style and similar factors can be legitimate deal breakers, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it can also be a little too easy, sometimes, to throw the baby out with the bathwater. You can’t tell a book by its cover, and sometimes the perfect person shows up wearing a face or a body that you wouldn’t initially imagine contains the fantastic human being it does. You don’t have to settle for anything that is unacceptable to you, but, on the other hand, if it can work to your advantage to be flexible, why not at least give it a try?
The same thing is true of desires that are specifically about sexual activity. As difficult as it can be to be clear about what you want with regard to relationships, it can be at least as difficult to be clear about what you want sexually. Sometimes people feel dirty or embarrassed even saying the words, and they really have to work hard to be able to say things like “I like it when someone nibbles on the insides of my thighs” or even “Oooh, that feels sensational—do that again.”
It can be challenging to verbalize your desires at that very vulnerable intersection of your body, desires, and physical sensation. Some people find it useful to practice with something less highly charged, like a backrub or back scratch. A good exercise is to make an agreement with the person rubbing or scratching that they will do only what you direct them to do, so that you have to give a continuous stream of directions and feedback. It might seem awkward at first, but after even just a few minutes, it gets easier. You quickly learn that general instructions like “Okay, scratch my back” aren’t so useful to your partner or to you, while more detailed instructions like “Up and to the right about three inches; yes, right there, harder!” give your partner a lot more information and you a lot more of what you’re looking for. Later on, try transferring the same principle, or even the same exercise, to something more explicitly sexual, like a hand job or finger fucking. It’s really not so different.
A key element to all of this is trust. It can be hard to expose your vulnerable desires—and all desires are vulnerable!—when you aren’t sure whether you can trust someone else to take them, and you, seriously and treat you kindly and respectfully. Remind yourself that trust is a two-way street. Yes, it is partly up to you to choose partners who seem trustworthy and to behave in trustworthy ways where they are concerned. But each of us has that responsibility to the person or people we’ve chosen to be with. You are not the only person in the relationship who has a responsibility to treat the other right! (One of the things you might want to add to your “things I want in a relationship” list is “someone of proven trustworthiness.”)
Your desires, wants, and needs are just as legitimate as anyone else’s. The fact that you are fat, or that you desire fat partners, doesn’t mean that your desires are in any way unreasonable or something you should give up on because you don’t want to seem too demanding.
If you were to go solely on the impressions given by mainstream media, you would think that being sexually objectified was one of the most sublime delights available to humankind. Clothes, diets, shoes, makeup, hair products, cars, music, jewelry, household appliances, and much, much more is sold on the promise that these things will render you magnetically attractive and make every man and woman within twenty miles stop and gaze at you in a sort of awed lust. Our whole society is constantly atwitter about what is and isn’t sexy, what is and isn’t desirable, what’s “hot or not.”
Some people do indeed enjoy being sexually objectified. For some people it is very affirming to have their desirability reflected back at them in that way. It can be empowering and encouraging to know that your body is such a source of fascination and desire for another person. Some people also get a lot out of having someone react so strongly to their mere presence, and they find it gratifying when they don’t really have to do anything special to get a strong reaction.
“I have had partners who couldn’t get enough of my hips and there have been others who loved everything that my fat body offered. My reaction to such unabashed fat admiration used to be disbelief, but time, and a steady succession of really fat-lusting lovers, has taught me to not accept anything less than a partner who adores all of my squishiness.”
Other people don’t enjoy being sexually objectified all that much, or at least not in all circumstances. Being sexually objectified can put one in a bit of a strange place. Objectification is one sided, for one thing: it’s all about the objectifier’s thoughts and reactions, and it happens whether or not the person being objectified likes it or likes the person doing it. Objectification may not include the whole person, with personality and independence and thought and emotion, but may merely be about some particular physical aspect(s) of that person. For some people, being sexually objectified can feel a little bit like having someone talk about you as if you weren’t in the room.
For some people, and fat people particularly, being sexually objectified can also bring up reactions that include fear, self-doubt, and suspicion. The culture we live in tells us, repeatedly and for years on end, that our fat bodies are not worthy of being desired, that it is basically impossible for us to be objectified in any sexually positive way. We may learn to hate our own bodies and be able to think of them only in negative terms, and we may even think of specific body parts (bellies often come in for particular loathing) as being unacceptable under any circumstances.
Especially if you have learned to feel this way about your body, having someone else objectify it or lust after it can be profoundly unsettling and disturbing. It may take you by surprise, it may shock you, and it may make you enormously uncomfortable and self-conscious. Even if you have a good body image, being objectified can still feel weird. If you have not had a lot of experiences with being objectified (or at least not ones you knew about!), you may not know what to think of it or what to do about it.
Fortunately, you don’t actually have to do anything about it. Objectification is not something for which you have to assume any responsibility. It is completely and totally about the person doing the objectifying. You do not have to feel grateful for being objectified. You don’t have to feel aroused or pleased by it unless you actually are. And even if you do like it (which you might!), you certainly don’t have to put out sexually just because someone else objectifies you. You don’t owe anyone anything just because they take an interest in you or your body. Their interest is theirs.
“The first time I was with a man who was attracted just because I’m a big woman, I was so turned on by it that the sex was amazing!”
So what do you do about being objectified? The real question is: what do you want to do about it? Do you want it to just stop and go away? You can tell the person to cut it out, or you can remove yourself from the situation. Do you want to simply pay no attention to it and carry on with whatever you were doing? You can do that, too. You can use it as an opportunity to start a conversation or to deepen one you were already having. If you think you might be as interested in the person objectifying you as that person seems to be in you, you can flirt. You can offer the person your phone number. Or you can just wait and see. Whether or not someone objectifies you is not really up to you: you can’t really stop that person from doing it except by removing yourself from the situation. What is up to you is whether you want to do anything about it.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe in other people’s attraction to us. It’s not only fat people who have this problem, as anyone who has ever read more than a couple of fashion magazines can tell you. Our society encourages people, and especially women, to believe that their bodies are never good enough, never attractive enough—that even the tiniest flaw is enough to make other people run for the nearest air sickness bag.
This is not, in fact, true. We know this. But try telling that to the part of your hindbrain that has been trained your whole life to believe that only bodies that are perfect in every way are truly worthy of desire and lust and love.
“A few times I’ve been approached by so-called ‘chubby chasers,’ and those experiences always left me feeling extremely uncomfortable, borderline unsafe. For those men, it seemed like their attraction was less about wanting my fat body and more about wanting to have sex with someone they thought wouldn’t say no.”
So what should you do when someone tells you that you’re desirable, that you’re pretty or cute or lovely or sexy or handsome or drool-worthy or fuckable or what-have-you? Regardless of whether or not you are interested in following up on it, or having anything to do with the person in question, you still have to process the knowledge and make sense of the experience. How do you stop yourself from dismissing it out of hand, assuming that it can’t really be true, or telling yourself that the person doesn’t know what she’s talking about?
There are several things you can do. First, you can assess whether the expression of interest seems genuine and respectful or not. People can express desire kindly and charmingly, and they can do it rudely and crassly. They can even do it insultingly. If you don’t like the way someone is expressing interest in you, you can simply disregard it. Or you can, if you like, say, “Stop being a jerk!”
For those expressions of interest that do seem genuine, kind, and okay, on the other hand, you can begin simply by giving that person the benefit of the doubt. It doesn’t matter if you agree with the person that you are hot or cute or handsome or what-have-you. Attractiveness is not a matter of fact; it is a matter of opinion. Other people are entitled to an opinion, whether or not you happen to agree with it. People give compliments and express attraction and desire as praise and tribute, and to have those compliments and expressions refused is basically like telling someone that those feelings don’t count or aren’t valid. That’s probably not what you intend to communicate when you refuse to take a well-meant, kindly phrased compliment, but that is, in effect, what you are saying, and it’s ungracious and rude and it shuts the other person out.
Second, you can say “thank you” to a compliment. Many of us, male and female, fat and thin, have been socialized to deflect compliments and praise, to say things like “Oh, it was nothing” or “Don’t mention it” or “That’s very nice of you to say,” which is particularly insidious, because it attributes the compliment to the other person’s kindness rather than assuming it’s genuinely how they think or feel. We will redirect praise and expressions of interest onto our clothes, our makeup, even the lighting in the room. Many of us are also very good at changing the subject. It can be a real challenge to just say “Thank you” and let the compliment or comment stand. This is exactly why it’s worth doing.
“Many of my 300+ sexual partners were interested in me because of my fat. When I was a teenager I didn’t quite understand it so much, but as I grew older (and explored pansexuality) I discovered that my fat was a powerful attraction in and of itself for more than a few men.”
Third, you can consider accepting someone else’s expressions of interest as an exercise in trust. Trusting people to be kind and not cruel, when it comes to your physical self, can be very hard. It is difficult for good, sensible reasons. But when the person who is expressing their attraction or desire is someone you already trust in a sexual sense—or is someone you would like to trust in that way—then it is especially important to be able to trust that person when she or he tells you something.
Finally, you can file declarations of attraction and desire away in some little drawer of your memory, and, later on, take them out and try seeing yourself through the eyes of the person who paid you the compliment. Having someone tell you that you have pretty eyes or great skin or sexy shoulders might make you look at your reflection a little differently. Having someone tell you how sexy you are and how much they’d like to show you a good time might make you think a little more of your sex appeal. In private, and without the pressure of having to respond, it is a little easier to explore the potential and the positive aspects of other people’s interest and attraction. If you take a little time to think about the fact that people may indeed consider you a sex object, you’ll likely feel less blindsided when it happens. That makes it easier to deal confidently and pleasantly with compliments and expressions of attraction and desire as they happen.
What is it like for you when a partner reacts positively to an aspect or part of your body about which you yourself aren’t so positive?
“My current partner is very verbally and physically positive toward my belly, which I had previously been very self-conscious about and had dealt with negativity from partners in the past because of it (the belly size, not my self-consciousness—that’s a whole separate issue). It has been very healing for me to be with someone who really likes my belly.”
“I remember when my ex-fiancée said that she liked the overall ‘thickness’ of my body. That was hard for me to take in at the time. My wife has also made positive comments about my breasts, a part of my body I have a really hard time liking. I tend to be really mean about my breasts, despite my knowing that body hatred is more or less like internalized homophobia—bullshit I’ve consumed from the larger culture.”
“Every partner who’s reacted positively to any aspect of my body below the neck (aside from my hands, which I rather like independent of outside feedback) has inspired doubt and some distrust in me, because I feel negatively (or neutrally at best and after many years of work) about most of my own body. Not so much when it’s clothed and functioning—but when it’s being looked at or touched by someone else? Brrrr, scary.”
“My upper arms are huge, they are considerably larger than my forearms, and they’ve always been the least favorite part of my body. I hated them for years, never wore sleeveless tops, and was ashamed of the fact that I don’t really have elbows, just fat. My boyfriend really likes them, and for the most part I think it is strange. I mean, he will do things like tell me he loves my arms and thinks they are sexy, which definitely makes me feel better about them. I recently took to wearing sleeveless tops for the first time in my life. I don’t think that he’s the only reason I’ve decided to let go of my issues, but he has played a part in it.”
“For a long time I was very self-conscious about how big my thighs are. One day I sent a photo of myself from the waist down reclining on my bed in a pair of sexy panties to a guy I had been talking to, and he mentioned that he loved my ‘thick thighs.’ Since then I’ve had many others comment on them. These comments have helped me to feel less self-conscious about a part of my body that I had previously been somewhat disgusted with. Now, I love my thighs. Of course, this is not purely due to positive reinforcement coming from outside sources—I’ve definitely made a lot of progress as far as the way I feel about myself goes.”
“I always avoided my belly, and most partners would kind of skim over it. But my husband will grab a handful and growl at me, which I like.”
“My primary partner loves my soft belly, and even after nine years, it’s a little difficult for me to believe she’s sincere. She likes to kiss and play with my squishy belly fat. I have names for the two parts of my body that I feel most negatively about, my overhanging belly (my ‘apron,’ ugh, terrible word) is Muffin and my double chin is my Agnes. She was touching me lovingly on both occasions when those bits became named. Her sweet affection really helped me own Muffin and Agnes and have more love toward them. These are still the parts I’m most self-conscious about, but they are mine now, and in private I don’t hate on them anymore.”
“I had a lover once who insisted on undressing me and not allowing me to hide myself. It was a new and terrifying experience for me. He spent a lot of time in the undressing process and he seemed almost like he was inspecting me, but the only comments he made while doing so were comments of praise. He seemed to focus those comments primarily on the parts of me that he could sense I was uncomfortable with (my belly, thighs, etc.). When he was done, he pushed me backwards onto the bed and got up over me on all fours and said, ‘You must come to understand here (as he placed his hand over my heart) and not just here (as he placed his index finger on my forehead) that there is no part of you that is unlovely, unsexy, unacceptable, or unavailable to me at any time. Because if you believe that any part of you is unlovely, unsexy, unacceptable, or unavailable, you will withhold that part of yourself from me, and if I cannot have all of you, I don’t want any of you.’ It was probably one of the most defining moments of my entire life. No one had ever put it that way before. It did not make an ‘instant transformation’ in me, but I went home that night and stood in front of the mirror naked and really looked at me and started asking the question ‘what is “wrong” with what I am seeing and who gets to decide what constitutes “right” or “beautiful” from “wrong” or “ugly”?’ I kept that practice up until I could look at me and not make judgments and from that carried those feelings over into how I saw others. It was very liberating and finally allowed me to see myself as beautiful, vibrant, and sexy.”
There’s no doubt about it: taking off your clothes means taking off your armor. Clothes are literal armor, protecting us from sun and wind and rain and cold drafts and all manner of scrapes and bumps and insalubrious substances, putting a layer between our skin and anything or anyone that tries to touch us. They act as psychological armor, too, of course. It isn’t just the physical protection clothes offer that matters, it’s also the control they give us over what is seen and unseen, as well as what kinds of social messages our presence sends. Clothes are also a buffer, a space maintainer that preserves a critical distance between private and public, between our vulnerable individual bodies and other people’s ability to see them.
No wonder getting naked makes so many people so nervous. Virtually the only time that we get naked in front of other people—and where those other people have social permission to enjoy a good long look—is when we are with a lover. Especially if the lover is new, this can be very stressful. People of all sizes and shapes get pretty frantic about the prospect of getting naked with someone new. Almost all of us, it seems, have learned to worry that the sight of our naked bodies might be enough to send another person, no matter how sexually interested they seem to be, running for the hills.
For fat people, this fear can be especially intense. The general cultural loathing of fat bodies makes many of us suspicious of even the most enthusiastically expressed desire. We also realize, perhaps more than some thinner people, just how much clothes can be used as a protective mask, and just how big the difference can be between the clothed body and the naked body. All bodies, no matter their size or weight, have their odd lumps and bumps, strange proportions, and saggy or flabby or funny-looking bits, about which we are often exquisitely sensitive. (The fact that we tend not to see these flaws in media depictions of bodies owes a great deal more to editing and Photoshop than it does to the bodies in question.) With fat bodies, though, these various features are often more pronounced: one of the enduring truths about fat bodies is that differences between bodies tend to be bigger because the bodies themselves are bigger. There is, in other words, simply more to see when the clothes come off, and that includes all the various aspects of our bodies that make us nervous or self-conscious.
As uncomfortable as this can be, it’s also pretty normal. Most of us would rather feel positive and empowered when it came to getting naked in front of others, a difficult but worthwhile goal. If you don’t happen to be there yet, don’t kick yourself. Take a deep breath and remember that you’re not alone and that most people, even the “beautiful” people, also worry about what other folks think of them when they get naked.
One thing to keep in mind about getting naked in front of a sex partner is that this other person is not in the room to play judge and jury. That person is there out of emotions like excitement, affection, love, lust, and desire. That person is automatically disposed to look at you favorably, and not with the hypercritical, excruciatingly focused viewpoint that many of us use when we look at ourselves. The person you’re getting naked for is eager and excited to see what is under your clothes, and, more to the point, to do all the other things that go along with nakedness: feeling, caressing, licking, nibbling, and so on. If you’ve gotten to the clothes-removal part of the evening, it is highly unlikely that the person you’re getting naked for is looking for an excuse to leave.
It’s easy to forget, but the person you’re with probably has body anxieties to cope with as well. When we’re attracted to someone, we tend to see them as being exactly that—attractive. Attractive people don’t have to worry about what other people think of them when they take their clothes off, right? Even while we obsess about our own appearance and what our partner(s) are going to think of our nakedness, we tend to hold our lovers to a completely different standard. And they, for their part, are most likely doing the exact same thing with regard to their own bodies and ours.
What it all comes down to, if I may be strictly pragmatic here for a moment, is that you only have the body you have. If you’re getting undressed with someone because naked sexy fun time is in the offing, chances are good that your partner has already figured out that you’re fat. If your partner has seen and touched you, embraced you, felt you up a bit, and so on, then that person should have a reasonable idea of what’s going on under the clothes. It’s not as if people’s bodies magically transform from thin to fat (or vice versa) just because they take off some garments.
Occasionally, though, there are still bumps in the road. Sometimes, especially for people who are at the thinner end of the fat spectrum or whose bodies conform particularly well to a particular gender ideal—an hourglass figure on a woman, for instance—partners may have an unrealistic idea of what the body under the clothes will look like. Sometimes we wear foundation garments that create a different silhouette or that suggest that gravity has no effect on our plushness. When these come off, there is a different reality for our partners to negotiate. Even art and cartoon images of fat people can leave people with unrealistic ideas of what fat bodies are really like: we are not, as a rule, helium buoyant and perfectly perky in every way!
Substantia Jones is the photographic mastermind behind the size-acceptance photoblog Adipositivity.com. As a fat woman who understands what being looked at and being seen while naked is all about—from both sides of the camera—she shares her insights about nakedness, gaze, and the all-important ingredient of attitude.
Q: What seem to be the biggest hurdles people face in getting naked for the camera? Do you think that these are similar to, or different from, the kinds of hurdles people face in getting naked in front of a partner?
A: The biggest hurdles? Our parents. The messages we receive from our parents during the formative years, which inform our body image. These messages are too often shame based. We then go on to absorb the lessons taught us by media and popular culture, most of which are fueled by economic greed and judgmentalism. Religion, the weight loss industry, corporate medicine, mainstream fashion. Unenlightened parents get lots of help. And yes, all this can affect our comfort in getting naked for any reason, including for a partner.
I’ve been known to clutch my pearls when told of some of the negative body messages people have heard from their parents. But upon reflection, I often realize I heard the same things, sometimes word for word, from my own parents. But after years of drinking the Kool-Aid (to wash down the diet pills), I’ve come to embrace a healthier relationship with my fat body.
Q: What do you enjoy about photographing fat nudes?
A: Being a fat woman, I have a personal stake in adjusting how fat folk are regarded, aesthetically and otherwise. I also have a strong empirical belief that it’s possible to do so through bombardment of visuals.
And there’s usually a lot of laughing that goes on during shoots. There has to be. You’re getting naked for a stranger with a camera and a somewhat unusual notion in mind. So yes, loads of laughs, and quite a bit of fuck-you-ism at the thought of hate-filled sizeists looking at our fat, dimpled asses. We are comrades in the fight. In our birthday suits.
Q: What makes nakedness sexy? Or unsexy? (Does the answer change depending on whether you’re in photographer mode? If so, how?)
A: I think for most of us, whether or not a naked body is sexy depends largely on context. When I’m making photographs, I make an effort to avoid certain of the trappings of “sexy.” Nevertheless, that’s exactly how many describe the resulting images. And I get that. You’re looking at a woman who, because of her size, society has insisted remain largely hidden. Yet she’s uncovering her body for you, in a dominant, contrarian, almost outlaw manner. That combination of intimacy and power can be fiercely hot.
Q: What advice would you give to someone who wanted to learn to be more comfortable getting naked in front of another person?
A: Practice, practice, practice! Mystery breeds fear. Relieve some of the mystery by being naked with yourself (and your mirror) as often as is practical. Make sure you’ve laid eyes on every inch of you, at least once. Squatting over a mirror is not just for tick season!
And those who’d tell you anyone who prefers a big partner is a freak? Fuck ’em. One who appreciates your fat body, the way it is today, is no more fiendish or odd than one with a preference for blondes. Choose a partner who’ll revel in every part of your “you-ness,” including your physical being, adoring every wobbly bit of it. Hungrily. And when they tell you you’re beautiful, believe them.
Q: In your experience, how does photography affect people’s comfort with their own nakedness?
A: Sadly, photography is far more often used as a tool for inducing body shame than it is as a confidence builder. (There’s more money in the former than the latter.) But it can obviously be used to promote happiness and pleasure, as well.
For folks already fighting a belief that they’re inferior because they’re fat, it’s just a short jump to feeling inferior because they’re shaped a certain way, or not shaped another. I’ve had fat women who visit my website regularly tell me they held their breath until they saw an Adipositivity image that resembled their own body. (The wait can sometimes be long, as fat bodies are abundant not only in volume, but in variety. I’ve seen more naked fat women than a Lane Bryant fitting room, and I’ve never seen two alike.) I think this speaks to the fact that we all want to see ourselves represented in media. Even neutral depictions of marginalized groups can make valuable contributions toward our sense of belonging.
Q: In your experience, how does attitude affect the way people look when they’re naked?
A: I love this question! And attitude is often the word I use to elicit a bolder response from a subject. I’ll sometimes give a direction like “Give me exuberance” or “Give me superhero.” But more often, I’ll ask an Adiposer to “give me ’tude.” Rather than telling them how to feel for the camera, I’m requesting that they simply reveal how they feel for the camera. The same naked body can repel us, then attract us a moment later, the only change being the disposition of the embodied. One of many things the right attitude can do for you.
Q: If you could tell every fat person three things about nakedness, what would you say?
A: Focus on the functions your body can perform for you. Does your body provide you pleasure? Locomotion? A means of communication? A host for adornment? A pillowy seat? Embrace your vessel. Adore it for its accomplishments. Work what works.
Go skinny-dipping! I lived far too many years without doing this, but now that I have, I desire this unrivaled pleasure daily. Until you’ve chunky-dunked, it’s difficult to grasp how even a few tiny inches of swimsuit can block the sensation of moving water lapping and massaging you, drawing your attention to the normally tucked-away bits of your body that have never before felt this sort of delight. Get naked and get wet.
Don’t hide. Masking your perceived “flaws” only calls attention to them, saying to people, “I’m negatively conscious of this part of me. You should be, too.” Unhappy with a body part? Tattoo it. Reveal it. Wrap it in bold patterns. Let it shake, jiggle, and swing. Decide what role that part has in making/keeping you happy and healthy, then allow it to do so, without hindrance.
So it is true that sometimes people will be genuinely surprised by the reality of a naked fat body. Sometimes the reaction will be graceful and gracious, and sometimes it won’t. The responsibility to be gracious, however, is theirs. If you are taking the leap of trust required to get naked in front of someone else, the least that person can do is be courteous.
As I said before, you only have the body that you have, at any given moment in time. That’s all anyone has. Luckily, that’s enough, and the body you have is capable of giving and receiving wonderful pleasure, even if you get a little worried about whether other people are going to like it. Assuming that your partner will not appreciate your body is just borrowing trouble. Assuming that your partner will take pleasure in your body, on the other hand, creates an environment in which that is expected and welcome. You don’t have to be a Pollyanna about it, but neither do you need to shut out the possibility of a very pleasant surprise.
The thing about bellies, as I have told many people over the past decade, is that they’re what lie between our hearts and our genitals. Literally and figuratively, they are in the middle of everything that we do that is in the remotest way physical, and that absolutely includes our sex lives. Of all the places that human bodies carry fat, the belly is the one with which people seem to struggle the most.
The fat belly is symbolic of the fat person, of fatness itself. “Belly and butt” shots festoon nearly every mainstream media news report on fatness. “Belly fat” is blamed for everything from cancer to constipation. Flat stomachs and six-pack abdominal muscles have come to be the tabloid standard of what a “good body” is to such an extent that whenever a woman celebrity appears in public with any visible roundness to her abdomen whatsoever, celeb-watchers immediately snap to attention, speculating about whether the celeb in question is now sporting a “baby bump” or is merely “getting fat.” Even a normal rounded belly on a lean person is likely to be looked at with derision or at least suspicion. A belly that is actually fat is beyond the pale.
Bellies are also used as a focus of specifically sexual humiliation. Hanging belly “aprons” on women that overlap or include the mons are often cruelly mocked as “gunts” (gut/cunt) or FUPAs (Fat Upper Pubic Areas). Fat men are derided for having such big bellies they can’t see their penises when they look down. Women of all sizes get so worried about their bellies, and about the possibility of others disapproving of them, that they may find it next to impossible to wear a swimsuit or get naked in front of others, let their lovers touch their bellies or abdomens, or enjoy sex. It’s altogether too easy to view your belly as the enemy, as the physical manifestation of everything that is infuriating, embarrassing, or painful about being fat. The fear and loathing so many of us feel toward our bellies, and the harm this does to our ability to enjoy our bodies, our sexuality, and our lives, attest to the power of the fat hatred that saturates our society.
Bellies can provoke an enormous amount of emotion. Perhaps this is partly because they’re where we feel a lot of emotion: we talk about “gut feelings” and “butterflies in the stomach” and “belly laughs” and things that “turn the stomach.” There is a sense that the belly is the core of who we are, unmediated, reactive, and real. When we learn to despise our bellies, we are, in that same sense, hating that aspect of ourselves and refusing to trust it. Having another person show kindness to your fat belly, let alone find it erotic, can present a powerful emotional and psychological challenge.
On the other hand, bellies can also be the conduit for a lot of pleasure. Reclaiming your belly from the generalized haze of belly hate and belly fear can be a powerful thing. You needn’t be a belly evangelist, although some people certainly come to feel that way. Even if all you ever manage is to look at and touch your body without judging it, just accepting it as part of yourself, you will have done something that many people are never able to do regardless of their weight or size.
When you are not mentally alienated from your belly, it can do wonders for your sex life. Being open to the sensations that happen in your belly, from the butterflies in your stomach to the sway and jostle of belly fat, can produce a sense of being centered and grounded as well as simply feeling good. When you aren’t thinking about how your belly looks, or trying to hold it in or control it or stop it from jiggling, you will breathe more freely and more deeply, and you may find that your hips move more easily and with more range of motion too.
Many global traditions that recognize the ways energy moves through the body, including traditional Chinese medicine, Tantra, and several martial arts traditions, identify a pathway that connects the head, the heart, the belly, and the genitals. Without the belly, the head and the heart would have a hard time linking up with the sexual organs. Even if you don’t buy in to these theories, the physical fact that the belly is the literal center of the body does seem to lend some credence to the idea that it is also part of a full-bodied experience of sex.
“My partner loves my bellies and has even named both of them—‘Esteban’ and ‘Pouchy.’ I love that she chose a word (‘Pouchy’) that could have negative connotations, but she uses it lovingly and affirmatively. I’ve been self-conscious about my belly, but her love for it helps. I also have a super pear shape, and my partner is very supportive of my body in a way I’m not always able to be.”
So how do you learn to love your belly, or even tolerate it? There are many paths, and many things that people do, for themselves and for those they love, that help. Simply making a conscious effort not to repeat negative statements or engage in negative thinking about your belly is a great place to start. Touching and massaging your belly, or letting someone else do it, in a way that feels nice to you is another way to get more comfortable with its presence and substance. Try looking at it as if you were looking at a piece of sculpture, paying attention to the swells and rises and dips and valleys, and see if you can’t begin to see it as something that is visually interesting in its particular combination of shapes. Deep breathing exercises can help, particularly if you use your stomach and abdominal muscles to help make the breath as long and deep and slow as you can. Some people like to get creative with their bellies. Pregnant women sometimes have belly-painting parties to celebrate the impending birth of a child. Why not get a friend and some makeup and face paint and decorate each other’s bellies? Silly fun can be an excellent way to detoxify your relationship with your belly. Another creative option is belly dance. Many belly dancers of a variety of sizes credit dancing with making it possible for them to embrace their bellies. Whatever you can dream up that you think might work for you is worth trying.
“After years of self-hatred, I ended up tattooing JOY on my belly to help me start celebrating ALL of my body.”
Friends and family have an unerring knack for pushing one’s buttons. This, of course, is because they helped install them in the first place. No one can get under your skin quite as effectively or quite as easily, and no one’s nastiness is harder to rise above or keep in perspective. It’s hard not to take even the most rote expressions of anti-fat prejudice personally when they come from friends and family, because, after all, you have a personal relationship with those people. Because of all this, it can be exceptionally difficult to cope with whatever nastiness your family or friends may bring your way when it comes to your body, your self-image, your sexuality, your desirability, or your relationships.
“My family loves me but harasses me every goddamn day of my life about my weight. My family thinks I sleep with women because I can’t get a man, and then I get a man and they think I can do better if I were not fat. It’s ridiculous.”
How you deal with this will depend a great deal on your specific family and friends and how they are likely to react to you pushing back. Some family dynamics are more changeable than others, some individual people are better able to change their ways than others, and some people are more willing than others to acknowledge when they’ve done wrong by someone and to try to make amends. There is, therefore, no advice that will work in every case or for every person.
The one person whose actions and reactions you do have some control over is you. You can choose how, or even whether, you want to respond to friends and family who do things like put down your appearance, say you won’t find a partner, or make you the butt of “jokes” about fat people and how undesirable and ugly they are. You may also be able to choose whether that kind of behavior is something you are willing to expose yourself to. Getting up and leaving the room, or even the house, is not an option in absolutely every case, but often it is, and it certainly gets your point across.
“My mom chastised a friend who was fat-hating on a man she was dating. The woman said something about how would she even have sex with him. You know, that whole trope. Quite offended, my mom told her, ‘My daughter is fat and her boyfriend is fat and they have a great sex life!’ My mom got the honorary fat acceptance advocate award that day.”
But this may not be necessary. Some people are willing to listen if you stop them and explain that what they are saying is hurtful, even if they thought they were “just playing around.” Explaining, firmly and calmly, that what they say isn’t true and doesn’t reflect the real world can be a very productive wake-up call. Being able to say things like “You know, Uncle Fred, when you say things like that, all I can think is that you must not realize that there a hundred million fat people living in the United States right now, and you’re way off base if you think none of us is getting any action” is useful: it makes people stop and think. Being even more direct (“Mom, I know you know I am a fat person. It insults me when you talk about fat people that way; I know you don’t think you’re talking about me when you talk that way, but I’m fat: you are talking about me”) can be effective, too. Sometimes people don’t think about how what they say sounds to the people around them.
Some people are able to create a détente with family or friends who are hurtful and negative. Other people aren’t. It really depends on whether your family and friends are willing to be open to changing their minds and their approaches. Many times, they are. But some people will cling to their prejudices about fat people. This is not your fault. You cannot change it just by trying harder. If someone is unwilling to hear and understand that her behavior is hurting you, no matter how you have tried to explain this, then that person is the problem, not you.
“At first I think they were a bit scandalized by my approach to fat and sex and so on (I come from a family of mostly women), but then I think it made them feel a little bit empowered themselves. If I, as the fattest person in our family, could find love and sex and be happy, then maybe they could too.”
There is nothing you can do that will force anyone to be kinder or more understanding. However, if you are hitting a lot of dead ends with your family or friends over these issues but aren’t ready to give up on them, it might be worth seeking out a size-positive therapist or counselor to help you in your dialogue with your family member(s) or friend. Having a third party present who is not invested in preexisting dynamics and relationships can be very helpful.
Whenever the legendary burlesque comedienne Belle Barth found herself with a heckler in the audience, she’d give the heckler a frosty glare over the microphone and snarl, “Shut your hole, mine’s makin’ money.” It worked like a charm. For fat people in daily life, dealing with the comments and rudeness of real-life hecklers is not always so easy. But you don’t have to get caught without any resources at your disposal. In life as on stage, a little rehearsal and planning ahead go a long way.
Sheila Addison, PhD, is a psychologist with a specialty in marriage and family therapy. She is also a staunch size-acceptance activist. With compassion, insight, and a solid sense of self-protection, Dr. Addison addresses the sticky problem of dealing with family and friends on the issues of sex, love, and fat.
Q: What to do about parents who are convinced their children won’t find love or get married unless said children lose weight?
A: As a family therapist, I really believe that parents generally want good things for their children and want to protect them from harmful or painful experiences. I think for the most part, parents are not monsters. It is terribly, terribly hard for parents to hear that their well-intentioned actions are, in fact, making things worse. What a devastating thing to have to acknowledge.
I start out with that, because I know firsthand how hurtful it can be to have your parents criticize and pressure you about your weight. But the only way I know for adult children to start to shift their relationship with their parents is to try to understand their parents’ perspective just a little bit, as a way of opening the door. Where I’m heading with this is not “learn to see things like they see them, and adopt their view of the world.” More like “try on their shoes for a little bit, and see if that stirs up some compassion inside you.”
The family therapist Ken Hardy talks about what he calls the VCR model for having “difficult dialogues”—Validate, Challenge, Request. It takes a lot of validation before people are ready for you to challenge them. I think it is possible for these parent/child relationships to change. Family therapy is a great tool if it’s available to you, but I haven’t lived near my parents since my early twenties, so we’ve reworked our relationships mostly on our own. It’s not easy but it can happen.
Q: Is there any good way to stop anti-fat talk and fat bashing when it’s used as a mode of social bonding among friends or acquaintances? What if you not only don’t want to play that game but want other people to stop playing it in front of you, and you don’t want to lose your friends?
A: I wish I had a surefire answer for this one, but it still trips me up sometimes. In the workplace, I will often just change the subject to work, because it’s hard to fault someone for wanting to talk about work while at work. Levity sometimes works too—I’ve walked in on those endless good food/bad food conversations over whatever happens to be out for public consumption, and said something like “Eat the cake; don’t eat the cake. It’s not rescuing kittens from a burning building! If that’s the biggest moral dilemma you have today, you’re probably having a pretty good day, you know?” I think it takes practice. There is no script that is a foolproof.
Q: What can a fat person do about parents or other family members who deliberately try to sabotage or undermine the fat family member’s attempts to date and have relationships?
A: An answer to this would be dependent both on the sabotaging behavior and also on the living circumstances of the parties involved. The very general answer is “Set boundaries.” Boundaries might be “My partner and I will be cutting back our Sunday dinner visits to once a month for the time being; my decision is not up for discussion.” They might be “I am over eighteen and am old enough to pay for my own phone line/mobile phone; from now on, all my calls will go there.” Or they might be “I am moving out of the house and in with a roommate because I think it’s time to have space that is just mine.”
One might set a boundary by agreeing with one’s partner, “We will go for Sunday dinner, but if my family makes you uncomfortable, you squeeze my hand twice and I’ll suddenly remember that I’ve left the stove on.” Or by saying “Mom, Grandma, I am bringing a date to Sunday dinner, but I must insist that we find something to talk about other than my weight and President Obama. My date likes orchids and clarinet music, just like both of you, so perhaps we can talk about those things. Otherwise we’ll have to cut dinner short.”
If you are an adult, you are entitled to a private life and to decide how much of that life you share with your family. You are entitled to take steps to facilitate your privacy and to advocate for yourself and your partner. And your partner is entitled to be informed about the situation and to set hir own boundaries as sie chooses. You and your significant other will fare best if you work as a team. Good luck.
Q: What are some ways that parents and family members of a fat person could help that person negotiate the slings and arrows of dating and relationships?
A: Believe that your fat loved one is lovable just as they are. Tell them this, openly and without reservation. Express joy and delight at the wonderful things they bring to your life. If they like themselves just as they are, affirm that this is a fine thing. Set your own preferences and ideals aside. Trust that this wonderful, lovable person will be lovable to others.
Dating is hard for everyone, and “the course of true love never did run smooth.” But understand that for fat people, the usual bumps and bruises of dating may be felt more keenly. It’s hard not to wonder “Is it because of my size?” when you experience rejection. Hard-won self-acceptance can come tumbling down in the face of a broken heart. In the face of self-doubt, the best thing you can offer is the loving reminder that if someone doesn’t appreciate and value you as you are, they are not the right partner for you.
When your loved one has been unlucky in love, it is not the time to start offering “helpful” suggestions about dieting or appearance changes. (When is the right time? I’m inclined to say “never.”) If you are smaller in size, realize that offering your own dating/breakup stories in “solidarity” may not be helpful, because you have size privilege your loved one does not, so an attempt to compare your situations may hurt more than it helps.
Being rejected, whether because of your size or for any other reason, can trigger a flood of shame and hurt. Losing a relationship, even a bad one, is often cause for intense grief. Often the best thing you can do is validate, validate, validate. “I know it hurts.” “I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.” “I wish I could protect you from this because you matter so much to me.” “I can see how sad you are.” One of the best questions you can ask a person in pain is “How can I be most helpful to you right now?” It’s better to ask than to guess, and guess wrong.
I have yet to meet a fat person who has never experienced hateful size-related harassment. For that matter, I have met many people I would’ve characterized as thin who have experienced it, too. For virtually everyone I know who has experienced size-related harassment, it has had a trickle-down effect, creating problems for their self-image and self-esteem, contributing to feelings of being unattractive, unlovable, and unsexy. Sometimes, fat-related harassment is directly sexual in nature, too, with remarks about how “no one would want you,” “too fat to find the hole” jokes, or simply the time-honored phrase “fat and ugly.”
For all those reasons, you might as well be prepared to deal with hateful harassment when it comes. It sure beats being taken totally by surprise. It definitely beats internalizing such idiotic criticism and letting it influence how you think and feel about yourself, your sexuality, and your love life.
You can take some comfort in the fact that fat harassment is rarely personal. Some sad, benighted, messed-up individuals simply think it fun—and funny—to make other people react. Making other people react, and especially making other people miserable, is their way of feeling powerful.
For these bullies, fat is just another rock to throw. Like fag and dyke, it’s a blunt weapon that owes its effectiveness as a weapon to the fact that it taints by association. It works only if it succeeds in making the target feel fearful and ashamed. This is why these kinds of insults work on people regardless of whether they’re thin or fat, gay or straight: because it’s not necessarily what you are, but what you’re afraid of being, that will get you to react.
“When someone makes a rude comment about my weight, I look them in the eye and say ‘And? Your point?’ Usually they are so shocked that they won’t even reply.”
What this means is that your best defense is not to be afraid or ashamed by fat—not by being called fat, not by being fat, and certainly not by having someone point out that you’re fat. (After all, it’s not like you magically become thin as long as no one mentions your size, right?) The reaction on your part that will frustrate fat-bashing bullies the most is not being stung by what they say. Many times it is simplest and easiest not to react at all, to simply rise above the unlovely sewage emitted by your fellow two-legged creatures, and sail on. If you want to, vent about it later with people whom you can trust to be sympathetic. Or just let it roll off your back as the meaningless attention-whoring nastiness that it really is.
“I have been known, when people make comments about my size, to go right up to them and say ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch what you said, would you mind repeating that?’ They mostly get really red-faced. Once I had one who was a real smartarse and just said it again. So I kept acting like I was hard of hearing and saying ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, could you say it louder?’ until the guy was practically screaming ‘I SAID, DAMN YOU’RE FAT!’ in the middle of the shop. Then suddenly he noticed that everyone was staring at him and he stomped off muttering under his breath.”
Some people have great success in confronting bullies, although you certainly need not trouble yourself unless you’re inclined. Using the same principle of not being embarrassed or reactive works well in confrontation, too.
Other times, what you want is to fight fire with fire. In a scene on the recent TV show Huge, which depicted teenagers at weight-loss summer camp, Ian, one of the male leads, is taunted with “When you’re in the shower and you look down, what can you even see?” Ian replies, “Your mother.” Crass, yes, but absolutely spot-on, and a hell of a zinger.
The following are some favorite strategies and comebacks from people who answered the Big Big Love Survey. Use them freely and happily, and remember: don’t waste any time taking fat-phobic bullying personally or seriously. After all, the bullies don’t.
“I may be fat, but you are an idiot, and I could lose weight if I wanted to.”
“I’m fat? Why yes, I am. Well spotted, Captain Obvious.”
“The wider the hip, the tighter the grip!”
“I see you’ve set aside this special time to be an asshole in public.”
“I’m fat? Ooo, you must be psychic.”
For those out-loud remarks you’re not supposed to overhear:
“I’m fat, not deaf. Just thought you should know.”
“Yes, I am fat. And you’re an asshole.”
“You might want to lower your voice; when you speak loudly like that everyone can hear what a jackass you are.”
“I’m fat? Is that really the best you can do? Goodness. A hundred thousand sperm, and you were the fastest?”
“I’m not actually fat, but I am very allergic to sizeist bigots. I swell up something awful whenever one is near. There must be one in the room right now.”
“The only trouble I have finding dates is making sure they don’t all find out about each other, honey.”
“Save your breath; you’ll need it to blow up your date.”
“You know, normally people of your limited intellect and physical appeal attempt to make up for it by having a pleasant personality.”
“Why am I so fat? Because every time I fuck your mom, she bakes me a pie.”