After his confession, things between him and his dad were strained. Ian had to muzzle himself and hold back everything he wanted to say. If his dad wasn't so sick, Ian might have raged, moved out, refused to see him.
All of that was out of the question. His dad was fighting for every breath. He could hardly take one step without help, and he used the oxygen tank more than ever before. Even when Mrs. Astor was there, Ian hated to leave him. His dad had to beg him to get out of the house.
"Go see your friend," he told Ian.
Ian finally listened. As he took a walk to Jacob's house, he stopped in front of Lorna's memorial.
"I'm sorry," he said to her. "My dad is sorry too. He really is."
His words hung in the air. He looked and listened, but there was nothing to see or hear. The wind did pick up for a moment, and Ian held his breath, but nothing happened. It was just a cool evening on the side of the road.
Ian looked down at his feet. He was born here. Did his cries fill the night as his mother was dying? As much as he wished his dad had come back to the scene and accepted responsibility for what he did, Ian didn't want to erase his whole life. His mom and dad loved him without a doubt. Even knowing what his dad did and what his mom kept from him, he still loved them.
It was late evening by the time he was standing on Jacob's doorstep. When Jacob opened the door he was wiping his hands with a kitchen towel.
"I was just doing dishes? Dinner is still warm, you want some?"
"No, thanks," Ian said. Seeing Jacob, he felt like his heart would burst. His eyes were so blue. Even as he frowned at Ian worriedly, he was beautiful. Ian just wanted to tell him, "Hold me and make everything go away."
Jacob stared at him. He could tell something was wrong. After letting Toby say hi to him, Jacob sent him to his room to do his homework.
That left them alone to talk. Sitting on Jacob's couch, Ian didn't know how to get the words out. He was numb. Underneath that, his head was full of so many contradictions he just wanted to scream. After a few false starts, everything spilled out of him.
Once Ian was done speaking, he just breathed for a while, nothing more. That's when he found that Jacob was holding him. How had that happened?
"I guess I'm kind of out of it," Ian said, pulling back.
"I'm so sorry," Jacob told him.
"I look at my dad, and I just can't see the man responsible for Lorna's death. I just see my dad. I should hate him for what he did. But he is so sick. I'm too afraid of losing him to hate him," Ian said.
"No one is asking you to hate him," Jacob told him.
Ian disagreed. "I think Lorna is. The way she sees it, my dad killed her and then he stole her child."
"You can't hate your dad because a ghost wants you to," Jacob said, always so rational.
That's when Toby ran in.
"Ian can watch cartoons with us!" he said excitedly.
"I guess you're done with your homework," Jacob said.
Toby nodded then came to sit between them.
Ian watched TV with Jacob and Toby for a while. They talked about what costume Toby was going to wear for Halloween. He was going to be a Ninja Turtle, specifically Leonardo.
"You should come trick-or-treating with us. But you have to wear a costume or you won't get any candy," Toby told him.
Ian wasn't making any promises about a costume, but he did tell Toby which houses had the good candy.
After everything he learned about his family, it did him so much good just to sit with Jacob and Toby like that. No secrets, no confessions, just love.
Then it was Toby's bedtime, and he was left alone with Jacob again. Ian leaned against him, and Jacob pulled him into a hug. With Jacob's arms around him, leaning his face against his shoulder, Ian felt so good.
"Are you going to be OK?" Jacob asked him.
"Not for a while," Ian told him honestly. Except for Jacob and Toby, he didn't see anything good ahead. That's why he said to Jacob, "I can't stop thinking about you. But I'm afraid you might forget me as soon as I'm gone."
"Are you going somewhere?" Jacob's voice had an edge to it.
"Back to school at some point," Ian said.
"Oh, OK. You had me worried. I already miss you every second you're gone. If you left, really left, I would chase you down to the ends of the earth," Jacob said, speaking in a deep, earnest whisper.
For a moment, Ian was too breathless to speak. "You could have told me. I wasn't sure how you felt. All this time I've been playing it cool."
"When was this exactly?" Jacob asked.
Ian tilted his head up to see an ironic look in his eyes. "Don't try to score off me. You don't know cool. I'm surprised I'm even into a stick in the mud guy like you."
"And the compliments just keep coming. You know I'll make you pay for saying crap like that." Now the look in his eyes was positively deadly.
Ian could say only one thing to a threat like that, "You can do whatever you want to me. I'm all yours."
"Are you?" As he asked the question, the intensity in his gaze startled Ian.
"If you want me to be."
"I'm dead serious. Can you say the same thing?" Jacob asked sternly. Damn, that was one scary, hot expression he was wearing.
"Yes. When I'm with you, I feel like my soul is on fire and my bones are melting. That's what you do to me. Even if you didn't want me, I would be yours forever."
Jacob gave him a slow smile. Then he grabbed him by the back of the head and gave him a deep kiss. A low moan traveled between them from mouth to mouth. Ian took only one moment to breathe and said, "I love you" before he went back to kissing Jacob.
He rubbed his hands over Jacob's short hair while Jacob's fingers tangled in his. They kept their hands above the waist, clutching at each other's clothes but not daring to expose any skin. Out of breath, they pulled back to keep things from going too far with Toby sleeping just down the hall.
"You heard me say I love you, right?" Ian asked.
"I was busy, but yes, I heard," Jacob said coolly.
Ian punched his arm. "You don't need to say it back, but you do need to appreciate it."
"I love you too," Jacob said. He grinned at Ian and his eyes looked so happy.
While Ian stared at him wide-eyed, Jacob leaned over and kissed him. Ian couldn't believe that he said it, but that kiss didn't let him think. It hardly let him breathe. Jacob loved him.