It was well past lunch time. Ian saw that his dad was still dozing. If his dad managed to sleep, Ian didn't like to wake him. But this time was different. Ian went up to him slowly.
Each step Ian took seemed to take an eternity. His legs were heavy. His heart was beating painfully slow, like it might stop.
He put his hand on his dad's shoulder and really looked at him. With a shaking hand he searched for a pulse. Finally he placed his head on his chest. He stayed like that, listening for a long time even though there was nothing to hear.
His dad was gone. Ian straightened. He wanted to shout at him. He wanted to shake him awake. But he only sat down next to him and held his hand. He was gone. The thing he never wanted to face had happened. He had lost his dad.
There were painful phone calls and meaningless procedures to go through. It was all a blur until he was suddenly in Jacob's arms and he started sobbing uncontrollably.
Jacob held him for a long time, murmuring into his hair until Ian came back to himself. He barely remembered the stammering phone call he made to Jacob, telling him what had happened. Jacob would have still been at work. Ian realized he must have left work early. He was so grateful. Without his dad, the house was so empty and Ian felt so lost.
"His heart wasn't in good shape. The doctors were afraid of this," Ian told him when he was finally able to speak.
"I'm so sorry."
"Don't you have to pick up Toby?" Ian asked, seeing what time it was.
"I'll call Ruth and ask her to keep him a little while longer," Jacob said and got his phone out.
"I'm sorry. I was kind of out of it. I didn't realize what time it was. Go get him. I'll be OK," Ian told him.
"Why don't you come with me? You can stay over tonight," Jacob said, running his hands over Ian's arms.
"Thanks, but I think I want to stay here. I need to say goodbye to my dad. I don't know how to do that yet. I have to figure it out."
"If you're sure."
"I am. My mom is driving over. She'll be here soon."
Before leaving, Jacob told him, "Come over for breakfast then. Bring your mom."
"OK. I'll try."
*
Jacob hated to leave him there by himself, but he understood that he needed the time alone. He left Ian's house wishing he could take all his pain away. At the same time, he dreaded the task ahead of him once he got Toby home.
After dinner, he sat down with Toby and told him, "I have some bad news to tell you. Ian's dad died."
"His dad?" Toby frowned then shook his head. His bottom lip quivered. "No. Dads can't die," he said in a shaky voice then he burst into tears. Jacob held him and smoothed his hair. Toby raised his head from his shoulder. Through tears, he said, "You're never gonna die?"
"Not for a long time."
"No. Never. Promise," Toby demanded.
"It's natural to die."
"No."
"It is. Sorry," Jacob told him and kissed the top of his head.
That night Toby had trouble going to sleep. Jacob stayed with him even after he nodded off. He wanted to guard him from everything and make him every promise he needed to hear.
He also wished he could be with Ian to try and help him with what he was going through. One day soon, he might be able to be with his two favorite people at the same time. Ian wanted to share his life. When he first met him, it seemed impossible. Ian was too young. But since then, Ian had convinced him that a lot of crazy things were possible.
In the morning, Jacob made pancakes and Toby anxiously waited for Ian to arrive. When he texted he was on his way, Toby was beside himself. Jacob opened the door to Ian and hugged him right away.
"Ian!" Toby wailed when he came in. He ran up to him and looked up mournfully. "Your dad..." he started to say then he couldn't finish. He looked like he was going to cry.
Ian picked him up. Toby gulped a few tines but he didn't cry. If he had, Ian looked ready to burst into tears as well.
"You're a brave boy," Ian told him.
"No, I'm sad," Toby told him.
"Me too, but I'm glad you got to meet my dad.
Toby nodded. "He liked soup."
"Yes, he did. And he liked you and your dad too. He told me."
As Toby blinked back tears and Ian held him, Jacob rubbed his back.
"So what are we having for breakfast?" Ian asked to distract him from his sadness.
They went into the kitchen where the table was set with an extra place.
"You didn't bring your mom," Jacob said as he removed the forth plate.
"I asked her, but she said she didn't want to intrude. She stayed at the house. It's full of memories for her too. She does want to meet you and Toby. I showed her the picture of Toby with the drawing. She asked me if I had any of you. When I said I didn't, she asked 'Is your phone broken, honey?' She has found a lot of reasons to ask me that. She wants me texting her what I have for breakfast, lunch and dinner."
"Tell her we're having pancakes," Toby said helpfully as they all took their seats.
"I'll do better than that. I'm going to send her a picture of you eating a pancake, how's that?" Ian told him.
Toby posed with a stack of pancakes in front of him and a goofy smile on his face.
Ian got a text right after. Looking at his phone, he told Toby, "My mom said something scary. She said she could eat you for breakfast."
"What?" Toby said.
"Because you're so cute," Ian told him.
Now Toby looked shy. When Ian put away his phone and started eating, Toby eyed his plate disapprovingly.
"Your pancake is lonely all by itself. You have to have two," Toby told him.
"I didn't know there was a rule like that," Ian said.
"There is," Toby insisted.
Ian added another pancake and Toby smiled. Jacob knew he probably didn't feel like eating. When they were done eating and Toby left them alone, Jacob told Ian, "Thanks for making an effort for Toby."
"I don't have much of an appetite these days," Ian admitted. "I was eating mostly so I wouldn't worry my dad. Now I'll probably have to eat not to worry my mom."
"And you ate the second pancake for Toby's sake. I guess that's one way to keep you fed," Jacob said.
Ian was helping him clear the table, but Jacob took the plates out of his hands. Taking advantage of their moment of privacy, Jacob took him in his arms and tried to kiss every inch of his face. He wanted to kiss every inch of the rest of him too but that would have to wait.
"I didn't realize I would turn into such an idiot when I fell in love," Jacob whispered as he held Ian close.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to tell you I love you every second even when you're sad and just need to be held."
"That is terrible." Ian pulled back. "Haven't you been in love before?"
"No. I had some decent relationships, but I didn't know I could feel anything this painful and good except for Toby."
"Speak of the devil," Ian said as Toby came in.
Seeing how he almost caught them together, Jacob decided to bite the bullet.
"I forgot to tell you something," he said to Toby. "I have some good news. Ian is my boyfriend."
Toby gasped. Ian was almost as surprised. Toby came over to stare at Ian.
"You like my dad?" he asked.
"Yes. I like him a lot," Ian confirmed and grinned at Jacob.
Toby turned to Jacob. "Dad, he likes you." Jacob wished he didn't sound so surprised.
"Then he should definitely be my boyfriend," Jacob told him.
Toby nodded. He gave them both a big smile. "I like good news."
Ian and Jacob both hugged him.
"Go brush your teeth," Jacob told him.
Once he was gone, Ian came up to him. He put his arms around him. Letting one hand stroke through his hair and down the back of his neck, Ian kissed him.
"You made both of us smile. Thank you," he said, his eyes shining with happy tears.
Jacob placed his hands on his waist, slid them around and locked his arms behind him. "I should have told him before. And you too."
"No, this is perfect timing. Toby needed some happy news," Ian said.
Jacob had just leaned in for a kiss when Toby ran back into the kitchen.
Toby looked between them. "What does it mean? Now Ian is a boyfriend, what do we do?"
"We're going to do lots of stuff together," Ian told him.
"Like eat pancakes?" Toby said.
"Yes. And other fun stuff too."
"OK," Toby said and ran out again.
"He'll probably run out here with more questions," Jacob predicted.
"I better go before we end up engaged," Ian said with a sly smile.
"Yes, you better," Jacob teased him then gave him a kiss at the door.
"Thanks for finally admitting you're my boyfriend. I really liked hearing that." Ian got such a shy look on his face.
"I love you." Jacob couldn't help saying.
"You say the best stuff," Ian said and drew him closer. "I love you too." With those words and one last kiss he left.
Watching him go, Jacob knew that Ian had a lot more pain to go through. It was unavoidable, but he was determined to be there with him every step of the way.