Andy Goldenberg
RICHIE RANDALL, 30s to 50s
RICHIE, an impassioned father, speaks up at the local Boy Scouts Chapter.
RICHIE YAWN! Someone wake me when this conversation gets interesting! This is the most boring meeting I have ever been a part of, and I’m an accountant! I don’t know about the rest of you, but for the last twenty minutes, I’ve been sitting here wondering why I ever wanted my son to be a Boy Scout in the first place! What I’ve always really wanted was for my son to be a MAN Scout. I want him to get some real Scout badges for doing real things like us real men do. I don’t mean like tying a knot or fighting a grizzly bear. I mean, a REAL MAN. We should be giving our kids badges like . . . Sitting on the couch with nothing to do for an ENTIRE DAY. That takes some skill, right Bob? Or going a full week without bathing. Or going a full month without doing laundry. Or spending your entire life having always gotten out of bathroom duty, like Steve over here. Would our boys be able to achieve those honors, or have we made sissies of them? We’ve inoculated them from diseases by not letting them eat off of the floor in five-second-rule fashion. We’ve withheld the joys of seeing naked women with our harsh Internet parental controls. Gentlemen of Boy Scout Troop 365, we have mothered our boys for far too long, and it is time that we STOPPED! Let them get badges for realizing how to cheat the government out of their hard-earned money. Let ’em have a badge if they elude capture not only from an ex-wife, but an illegitimate child. One badge for each kid. Rack ’em up, right Troy?
Wouldn’t it be great if we gave them a badge for pounding down drink after drink at the bar and NOT cheating on their spouse or NOT getting killed on the treacherous way back to their house in the hills? Rest in peace, Sammy. You were a man. A REAL man. And what you accomplished in your life was worth more than any merit badge for sustainability, landscape architecture, or Scouting Heritage. When can we dig into the refreshments that Paul brought, because I could sure use a lemon-lime Gatorade and orange slice right about now.