Mark Harvey Levine
A MAN, 20s to 40s
A MAN is at a park. He has a stroller with him. In the stroller is his infant son.
NOTE: Both the stroller and the infant in the stroller can be mimed.
A MAN So here we are, getting a little fresh air. We feel you need air. Apparently there’s no air in the apartment, so we’re out here getting air.
[Beat.]
It’s interesting. You can get away with a lot in public. I mean, look at you. You can barely sit up straight. You’re drooling. You may be relieving yourself right here. You’re like a drunk. If I did any of that, on a bench in the park, they’d lock me up. I’d be one of the lunatics, talking to myself.
[Beat.]
Oh, God, I am one of the lunatics, talking to myself.
[Beat.]
I envy you, y’know. You get the full spectrum of emotions, from absolute devastation to unfettered happiness. Sometimes all in the space of about five seconds. I mean, when you cry, you cry with everything your tiny little heart can muster. And here’s me, at my sister’s funeral: [Subdued.] “Yes . . . thank you . . . it was very sudden . . .” When you’re happy, you laugh with your whole body. And here’s me, being complimented: “Oh, no, you’re too kind.” You get to experience heartbreak and pure joy. We get . . . everything in between.
I mean, I can do without the heartbreak, but where’s my pure joy? Why don’t I get pure joy? I could use some pure joy right now. Where is it? Where is it? And you get to sit in a park and cry your eyes out, or laugh hysterically, and nobody runs away. Far from it. Women now come to us. Beautiful women walk right up to us. Now, at the very moment when I obviously no longer need them, women are approaching me. Where were you in high school?
[Beat.]
Here comes one now. Of course, the irony is, instead of wanting to flirt with them, some bizarre protective gene has kicked in and every woman is now a potential baby snatcher. There are these chemicals in my brain left over from caveman days. A stranger is approaching. Must protect you. Must. Protect. My only chance is to break both her knees and maybe one of her hands before she can grab the kid.
[He starts talking very fast and serious.]
She’s approaching from the east. If she gets one hand on the kid I can still uppercut her jaw and—
[The lady says something complimentary about the baby as she passes.]
[Sheepishly.] Thank you.
[And she’s gone.]
Of course he’s cute. He’s extremely cute. He’s incredibly cute. He’s adorable. And I’m going insane. I’m going insane. And you . . . you’re trying to tell me something. What? What?
[Beat.]
I have no idea what you’re trying to say! But you seem very intent. And you’re drooling. Again with the drool. Why do you need so much saliva? You’re on an all-liquid diet! Here, wipe your mouth for goodness sakes.
[He takes a cloth from the stroller and wipes the baby’s face.]
Okay, let go of the cloth. Let go of the cloth. Let go of the cloth.
[Beat.]
Alright, let go of my hand. Let go of my hand. C’mon, let go of—Fine. Hold onto my hand, if it makes you happy.
[Beat.]
It does make you happy, doesn’t it?
[Beat.]
Oh. There it is. There it is.