Deborah Gross
Premiered at the Hollywood Fringe Festival in Los Angeles.
EVAN, 30s
EVAN is on a third date. He has invited his date, Allie, to his apartment. They sit in silence on the couch, while Evan tries to think of another story to share to impress his date and show all his appealing characteristics.
EVAN What scares me? Nothing. I’m supercool. Okay. I’ll be serious. Let me think.
I don’t like to be scared. It’s not my thing. So if, like, I’m scared of something, I conquer it.
So snakes, right? I was scared of snakes. I never had a bad experience with them or anything—I was just terrified of them. It was so bad that if I saw a snake on TV, I’d have to change the channel immediately. It was starting to not only affect my life but my loved ones as well, especially if they wanted to watch something on the Discovery Channel.
I’m being vulnerable. Don’t laugh.
Like I was saying before, I can’t stand being scared of things, so I finally had enough and called up a serpentarium and asked if I could come for a visit. By the way, did you know that snakes can swallow up to 85 percent more than their body weight.
It’s true. I can tell you don’t believe me. I’m going to look it up on my phone.
[He takes out his phone.]
I want you to know that it’s the only reason why I’m taking it out. I’m going to “yahoo” it.
Okay.
Okay. “Yahooing” it. Usually girls like that joke. You know, because most people “google.” Nevermind. Okay. It’s like 20 percent. Whatever. Still kinda ridiculous.
[Still looking at his phone.]
No way. Oh, nothing. It’s just my friend telling me something. Hold on. I don’t want to be rude by ignoring him.
Sorry, what? No, I didn’t go to a zoo. I went to a serpentarium.
I finally got up the balls to go and I had them put the snake on my shoulders.
No. Not like Britney Spears. I’m a fucking man.
I held the snake, all 220 pounds of him, like this . . . [He stands and holds his hands up like Britney Spears.] I stood there, sweating, crying, hyperventilating, for two hours till my body finally stopped shaking. It was super intense. So yeah, I conquered my fear. I still don’t like snakes but at least I can watch them on TV now without changing the channel.
More wine?