Kenny Madrid
GEORGE, 26
GEORGE was excited to enter the workforce after college, but quickly learned through various difficult and unfulfilling jobs, exactly why so many adults lose the spark of life. Some would call that spark happiness. The setting is in an office with no windows, not even frosted glass on the door. It is barren, cold, and a slightly blue tint to it as if David Fincher were directing. The fluorescent light flickers enough so that it’s noticeable, but not enough to worry about fixing it. No art decorating the walls, it looks more like a room where people are fired than hired.
GEORGE I just wanted to thank you for bringing me in to interview to be your assistant. I’m sure you’ve got a lot on your plate, but before I go I have a few questions. It’s common knowledge that the interviewee should bring in a list of questions to appear as if we are truly interested in this job, but my experiences in the workplace have given me a greater insight into exactly the kind of questions I should be asking. I have written out a lengthy list so forgive me, but I hear bosses appreciate assistants being thorough.
Does your company match 401(k) contributions? Is my wage hourly, or will I be salaried? When does overtime kick in? After eight hours? Twelve hours? At all? Do you offer eye-care coverage in addition to the dental? I love to bake, so do you enjoy fresh-baked cookies? Do you pretend to have any major diet restrictions because of the latest trends you hear about in Hollywood, i.e., gluten-free, paleo diet, veganism, pescatarianism, etcetera? Have you or has anyone else ever called you a “foodie?” Is your favorite restaurant all of the way across town, but somehow it will be my fault when there is traffic on the way there and back? Does the office keep healthy snacks readily available so that once I have completely given up on ever exercising again after spending fourteen-hour days in the office, I won’t gain a ton of weight from Skittles, Snickers, and health bars that pretend to be good for you but in reality are just as awful as candy?
When I inevitably screw something up, as all humans do from time to time, will you act as if I just murdered your first AND second-born children no matter the size or frequency of the mistake? Speaking of families, do you have one? Will they ever see you? Or are you single but married to your work? Will you forget that I have a life outside of work? Should I just cut ties with friends and family right now? They don’t matter, right? I’ll just kid myself and say this isn’t the way my career will always be? What kind of hobbies do you have that are really just veiled attempts at sounding like you have a life outside of work?
Are you big into mentoring? Most people in our industry don’t want to be a career assistant; will you be interested in giving me tips on how you do your job so that one day I can use those tools myself? Will you take that interest from a paranoid standpoint, that I am trying to take your job from you despite your twenty years’ experience in the industry? Will you say that you do wish to mentor and then somehow over the course of many months be too busy to ever sit down with me for five minutes, your own assistant, who has dedicated a significant portion of my life to your well-being?
Office decorating—off-limits, or completely frowned upon? I have a kooky sense of humor so forgive me if I put up some motivational posters, but ironically. Will you not approve of these posters but not want to say anything so I will just get the stink eye from you until I take them down of my own “free will?” What about office parties? Do people throw parties for birthdays in the office? Will I be able to attend these parties, or does one possible missed call take precedence over any fun I could take part in?
How loud can you scream? Should I bring earplugs? Or just leave all emotions at home? How soon before I will hope to hit every red light on the way to work just to keep me out of the office even if for only minutes more?
But I think most importantly, when do I start?