6

Now she’d done it. The secret Hayley had so painstakingly buried had erupted, and its lava sizzled around her. Her chance at a new life hissed and vanished as despair enveloped her. Hayley wrapped her arms around her legs, but she couldn’t stop shaking. She sensed Nila’s withdrawal, even though she couldn’t look at her former friend.

Nila would tell Will. He would hate her. They would tell Dave and Lydia. She couldn’t bear their disgust. She’d have to leave. Where would she go?

An arm snaked around her shoulders, and a head leaned against her arm. “Oh, Hayley, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” The quaver in Nila’s voice penetrated Hayley’s hysteria.

“Wh-what?”

Nila’s words hiccupped. “Your baby…my baby…I didn’t mean…God, help us.”

Wait. Nila felt bad? Shock tranquilized Hayley’s turmoil. Why was Nila crying and comforting her? Why wasn’t she horrified, repulsed?

Time and place shifted, swinging Hayley back to the hospital in Toronto. Still groggy from anesthesia after surgery on her leg, her parents’ raised voices sliced through the fog.

Her mother’s strident voice vanquished the comfortable mists. “She was pregnant? Did you know about this?”

“Of course not.” Her father sounded angry too.

Hayley cringed and reached for the button to dispense a dose of pain-numbing drugs.

Her mother’s voice faded, but her words cut deeper than the surgeon’s scalpel. “At least we don’t have to deal with that now.”

The baby? What happened to my baby? Sorrow and narcotics shrouded her as she sank into deep shadows.

“Hayley.” Someone stroked her cheek. “Hayley, here, take this.” A tissue pressed into her hand.

Where was she? Hayley lifted her head and looked into Nila’s drawn face. She opened her mouth, but no words came.

Nila stood. “I’ll get you something to drink. Then we’ll talk.” She disappeared.

Hayley fought the mists swirling in her head, her eyes closed. It didn’t make sense. Her own parents had rejected her. Why hadn’t Nila? Movement alerted her, and she glanced up.

Nila held out a glass of iced tea. “I thought this might go down better than plain water.”

Hayley took a tentative sip, and the sweet drink soothed her raw throat. “Thank you. Feels good.”

Nila settled in the chair across from her and folded her arms over her belly. Tears still glistened in her eyes. “I had no idea…I feel terrible. I let my happiness blind me to your pain.”

Hayley shook her head, and the mists danced away. “You couldn’t have known. I haven’t told anyone. Except my therapist.”

Nila’s eyes widened. “Not even your parents?”

Hayley compressed her lips and shook her head slowly. “The doctor must have told them, and it didn’t go so well.” Understatement of the year. She took another sip of tea to force down the lump in her throat.

“Will you tell me about it? I’ve learned that sharing a burden is the first step to easing it.”

Hayley considered that. Dr. Freemont had listened without judgement, and her acceptance had been Hayley’s only refuge. For too long. She took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s time…”

~*~

Trevor leaned back against the cool, green vinyl. Did he want another sermon? No, not even from Carlos. But he did want answers. He folded his arms across his chest and nodded. “All right, give it to me.”

Carlos steepled his fingers and regarded Trevor without speaking for several long seconds.

Trevor squirmed and looked away. The man had been spouting words about how God had “saved” him for weeks. So get on with it. Not that it would make any difference to him.

“You’re right, T-man.”

Trevor’s attention darted back to his boss.

“It is all about Jesus.” Carlos smiled. “You know what I was like. On the surface, anyway. Good times—that’s all I cared about. Always looking for the next piece of happiness I could grab. The next thrill. But it was hollow. I was empty.” Carlos leaned forward. “But then I met Jesus.”

Trevor rolled his eyes and groaned. More of the same. What had he expected? “Oh, yeah? Did He walk up to you and introduce Himself? Because I can’t see you in a church. No offense.”

“None taken. But you’re right, in a way. Remember the old ’71 Triumph that leaked oil so bad I had to fabricate a gasket for it?”

Trevor frowned and nodded.

“It still ran rough after the leak was fixed, so I gave it a tune-up and took it out for a spin to test the timing. Drove out Highway 12 a few miles past Martensville, and the stupid thing sputtered and stalled. I pulled off the road, reached into my pocket for my phone, and grabbed nothing but lint. Found it later on the floor by the helmets.”

Trevor’s memory latched onto that detail. He’d been dealing with a customer when Carlos had stormed into the shop pushing the bike. The look on his face could’ve branded leather.

“Anyway, I was stranded. Couldn’t get the bike going again, so I figured I’d have to push it back to Martensville and phone from there. Just got it across the road when a guy in an old Dodge pickup pulled onto the shoulder ahead of me.”

Trevor glanced at his watch. He wanted to get to the hospital to see his mom.

If Carlos noticed, he gave no indication. “Long story short, the guy introduced himself as Max and offered me and the bike a ride. There was something about him…looked real tough, except for his eyes.” Carlos shook his head. “He knew stuff about me, things I’d never told anyone. I swore at him, but he didn’t even react. Just kept going on about how much Jesus loves me, how He died to wash the mess that was me so God could wrap me in His arms and adopt me as His son.”

Trevor sucked in a breath and narrowed his eyes. Adopt? That registered. Like a gut punch.

~*~

Trevor circled another level of the parking block. Why was there never a parking spot available at City Hospital? As he drove, Carlos’s story continued to loop in his mind. His brain and stomach roiled as though in a churning contest. It couldn’t be so simple. Or necessary, for him. He didn’t need Jesus, no matter what Carlos said. And yet, the change in his boss couldn’t be ignored. And if it didn’t matter, why couldn’t he quit thinking about it?

A car pulled out of a tight spot half a block ahead, and Trevor manoeuvred his Jeep against the curb. Finally. He grabbed the tissue-wrapped, potted miniature rose off the passenger seat and jogged to his mother’s room. He shoved open the door and skidded to a stop.

The bed was empty.

~*~

Hayley shifted on the couch and hugged her knees. Should she tell Nila the whole, ugly story? Or just the part about the accident? Might as well jump right in. “A few weeks after I went home, my father had me fill in for his receptionist/file clerk while she was on maternity leave. I’d recovered physically from what Nick did, but not emotionally. I guess I kind of withdrew. Sitting at the front desk, answering phones, and greeting people forced me to interact with people, and before long, I was back to normal. At least on the outside.”

Nila’s wide eyes and a slight nod encouraged her.

“Then I met Blake, a lawyer from the offices upstairs.” Hayley paused, remembering. “He was so hot—tall, blond, and blue-eyed, and dressed for success in a hand-tailored suit. Not my usual bad-boy type. More like someone my parents might approve. He walked up to my desk, leaned close, and asked me what I was doing for the rest of my life.” Her lips twisted. “Yeah, I know it was corny, but it worked. On our first date, he told me his wife had died eight months earlier, and that’s why he wore a wedding ring. His grief and my trauma drew us together, and before long, he was spending nights at my apartment.”

Hayley couldn’t look at Nila. She focused on the still-bare crab apple tree outside. “I know it was wrong, but he made me feel beautiful and loved, more than I’d ever known. When he said his place was still filled with his wife’s things, and I’d feel uncomfortable there, I thought he was being considerate.” She closed her eyes and groaned. “I was so stupid.”

“Hayley…”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No, I just want to encourage you. You’re not the first woman to fall for a con man, you know.”

Hayley refocused on the crab apple tree. “When I found out I was pregnant, I ran upstairs to Blake’s office. I usually knocked, in case he was with a client. But I was too excited.” She gulped and blinked rapidly as tears threatened. “Blake stood behind his desk, his arms wrapped around a blonde. Behind him were photos I’d never seen before. The same woman…with two kids…and Blake. His family.”

The tree faded from sight as that day crystallized in shards of shattered dreams. Piercing pain, deep within. “I must have made a sound, because the woman turned and saw me. She asked Blake who I was, and he turned and barely glanced at me. ‘Nobody,’ he said. ‘Just a chick from downstairs.’”

Hayley wiped tears from her cheeks with the backs of her hands as she continued in a monotone. “I ran all the way down to the parking garage, got in my car, and drove. I didn’t care where. I had to get away. I got onto the 401 and floored it. I have no idea how fast I was going when I swerved around a minivan. I lost control. The car went over the guardrail, rolled into the ditch, and slammed into a signpost.” She hugged her knees. “When I woke up in the hospital, I found out my baby was dead.” Sobs broke through. “Because...of…me.”

Nila knelt beside Hayley and stroked her arm. “It’s OK to cry, Hayley. Let it all out. It’s too heavy a burden for you to carry alone.”

Hayley reached for a tissue and blew her nose. “My therapist, Dr. Freemont, said I needed to find the strength inside me to deal with it, but I’m too weak. I don’t have any strength, and I can’t deal with it.” She dislodged Nila’s hand when she planted her feet on the floor and started to stand. “I—I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.”

Nila stood to her full, petite height. “Not true. Sounds like you’ve needed a friend for some time, and I’m nominating myself.” She gently touched Hayley’s cheek. “I’m not a therapist, but I’ve suffered, too, many times because of my own decisions. So I can hear you with my heart. Listen to me now, Hayley.”

Hayley sank back onto the couch. “All right, but even you can’t relieve my guilt.”

Nila sat beside her and took one of Hayley’s hands in hers. “Of course I can’t. But Jesus can.”

“Jesus?”

“You know He died to pay for your sins, right?”

Hayley squirmed. “Yes, but God and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms anymore.”

Nila smiled gently. “Who walked away?”

Hayley couldn’t answer past the lump in her throat. Her breath expelled in a deep sigh, and she tapped her chest.

Nila knelt again, so they were face-to-face. “He’s waiting for you. Waiting to forgive you and take your burden.”

Hayley stiffened. “He can’t undo it. My baby is dead, and nothing will change that.”

Nila sat back on her haunches, her head tilted. “Are you saying your baby’s death is bigger than God’s sacrifice of His Son?”

Truth slammed into Hayley’s heart like a battering ram. She couldn’t breathe. Tiny pieces of shame broke away, and a ray of hope warmed her soul. “I…I never thought of it that way.”

Nila wiped her eyes on her sleeve and patted Hayley’s leg. “I hope you will think about it. And accept God’s forgiveness.” Her lips lifted, and her face glowed. “It makes all the difference.”

The rumble of a diesel truck drew near, and Nila pushed herself to her feet and looked out the window. “That’s Will. He’s home early.”

Hayley cringed. She couldn’t face Nila’s husband—and her former crush. Not like this. She lunged to her feet. “May I use your bathroom?” Without waiting for a response, she dashed down the hallway and into the tiled room. Hayley splashed cold water on her face until her skin cooled. She reached blindly for a hand towel and pressed it to her eyes. Leaning against the counter, Hayley looked in the mirror. Puffy eyes stared back at her. She was used to that. But there was something different in their depths. Was that a glimmer of hope?

“Hayley?” Nila’s voice came through the door. “Will’s in the shop. He just needed another box of nails. I know he’d love to say hello to you, though, if you’re up to it. How are you feeling?”

Hayley grimaced at her image in the mirror as she hung up the towel and opened the door. “I’m not sure. Like I’ve been through a war zone. And I look it. Maybe I’ll take a rain check on seeing Will. In fact, I’ll let Lydia know I’m ready to go.”

“Of course.” Nila led the way back to the living room. “Do you mind if I share your story with Will? I don’t like to keep secrets from him, but I will, if you want.”

Did she mind? How would Will react? Did she want to force Nila to keep secrets from her husband? Guilt stabbed at her. No, keeping her secret hidden inside hadn’t done any good, only more harm. She couldn’t do that to her friends. A deep sigh escaped. “Go ahead, but wait until I’m gone. OK?”

Nila turned and placed a hand on Hayley’s arm. Her dark-lashed, brown eyes shone. “You took a huge step today by sharing your story with me. I hope you’ll find that as you open up, your past will lose its power over you.”

Hayley pondered Nila’s remark. “I do feel lighter. Do you think I should tell Dave and Lydia?”

“Definitely.” One side of Nila’s mouth lifted. “Just prepare to be hugged.”

Hayley smiled wistfully. No preparation needed. In fact, she’d been searching for love and approval all her life. She pulled out her cell to call Lydia. She couldn’t wait.