Minutes ticked by, announced by the clock on the wall. Fawn tried to digest what she'd just heard, but it was like trying to suck down a pound of raw meat. Everyone's eyes were on her. Her mom reached for her, desperate to comfort her. She backed away from the woman's touch and balled her fists.
They're joking with me. They have to be joking with me. Fawn stared down at herself in disbelief. She didn't look like a machine. She had soft skin, shimmering hair, and a belly button. When she got hit, she felt pain. And when she got emotionally traumatized—like now—her insides were on fire. Her world was caving in on her. She looked up, expecting to see cracks on the ceiling. There weren't any. All the cracks were on her heart.
"Fawn, are you all right?" Jax asked.
"No. No, I'm not." Fawn bared her teeth. "How can you say that? I'm not a machine. I'm a human being. I have feelings and I endure pain. I feel cold and hot. I sleep."
"I designed you that way. That's why you're so spectacular. That's why everybody wants you," Jax whispered. "You're—"
"Stop talking, Jax, for the love of all things holy!" her dad yelled.
"She deserves to know, Oliver. It's what she wanted." Jax glared at her dad, then turned his gaze on her. "You're a special type of robot companion. Your feelings are caused by a chip in your brain that reacts to certain words and tones in the human language. You have a program designed to keep track of temperature. If you feel too hot or cold, you're meant to feel it. It was to make sure you didn't put your hand on a burner. In all physical ways, you are a human. The software in your mainframe even allows for logical problem solving."
"No, no, no." Every word Fawn heard was a drill to her ears. Every part of her stung. "You're lying to me. You're lying."
"You're even better than a human, though." Jax crossed his arms. "I made you strong enough to defend yourself if Ark came. You're powerful when you need to be. I still didn't want you to be found—I wanted to conceal what you were, even from yourself—but you were too smart for that. You knew what you were from the beginning, even if you didn't want to face it."
"No!" Fawn yelled.
"Am I lying?" Jax's eyes shone with pity. "Check your pulse. You should have learned from books how to do it. You won't have one."
For a second Fawn was tempted to tell him no. But what would that prove? That she was scared of the truth? She was a human. Yet she could not recall ever feeling a heartbeat or hearing her own heart pound. She'd never sweat either. The one time she'd eaten human food and not the black sludge, she'd gotten sick. With a whimper, she pressed her fingers over the cool skin on her neck, searching for thuds.
Nothing.
She heard nothing.
Her world spun. The fragmented memories made sense. She remembered only sitting on Jax's table because that was all she ever knew. She was not human. And Gavin…Gavin…Suddenly, she was choking. A kiss between them meant nothing, no matter how warm it made her feel. She was little more than a high-tech computer. She was like the doll she dropped in her parents' room. Cold. Made in the likeness of a human, but never quite as good as the same thing. She reached for a screwdriver on the table and brought it sharp side down straight into the middle of her hand. Pain electrocuted her limb, but then it stopped. Her mom screamed and her dad groaned. Jax didn't make a sound. She held up her hand for examination.
A skin-colored layer of material covered thick metal. She yanked the flesh toned layer back, away from her fingers. Her true digits were branch thin and metal. Currents of electricity shot out the opening. It was surreal. A nightmare. She didn't have a human hand. She fought the urge to scream in horror.
"Why, Jax?" Her insides were on fire. "Why?"
Fawn didn't know what she was asking him. Maybe "Why did you create me?" or "Why did you have to tell me?" Jax just stared at her with large, mournful eyes, not answering any of the questions or even asking her to clarify. Her mom and dad didn't move, though she could hear strained breathing.
The room which once filled her with such comfort suddenly became an overwhelming haunted house of evil, only the ghosts were all her own. Fawn pushed past Jax and thundered up the stairs. Behind her, she heard her dad yell, "Fawn. Fawn, come back! It'll be okay."
But Fawn was out the door.
****
Fawn sat in the woods on a log. No matter how much she stared at her hand or replayed what just happened in her head, she could not get a grip on her feelings. Every time she tried to stop the anger or sadness from boiling within her, she felt as though she was trying to stick her hand in a fire to contain the flames. Everything she'd experienced thus far was a lie. Her love for Gavin was all because of some program. Her feelings for her parents were because of a mainframe design Jax put in her head that told her to care about her family.
As she drew her knees up to her chin, she heard the sound of shuffling feet on dried leaves. She didn't bother to turn around. It could have been Ark, and she would have handed herself over willingly.
"You doing all right?" Jax asked, his voice soft.
"Does it matter how I feel?" Fawn shook her head, then bit her bottom lip. "These feelings are all fake. Everything about me is fake."
Jax sighed and sat down next to her on the log. Neither of them looked at each other.
"How did you know where I was?" Fawn finally asked. "Wait. Don't tell me. I'm being tracked, aren't I? Another great microchip or program."
Once again, Jax said nothing. She looked at him. She saw his face was pale because of his injury and dark bags were under his eyes. His wrinkles were so deep she was surprised blood didn't gush out of them. But she felt worse than him, she knew, even if she didn't look it.
"Fawn, I'm not a man who is great with words," Jax said, drawing her out of her thoughts. "Any person who knows me well can attest to that. But…"
"But?" Fawn's brows furrowed.
"It's just…You're more than a robot." Jax stared at her intensely. "You've been more than a robot to anyone you've ever met. There is only so much a microchip can do. You've surpassed my design into something more. You're transcendent."
"I have spent weeks wondering who I am, but now that I know, I hate the answer," Fawn whispered. "You can tell me I'm more than a robot, but in the end, that's all I'll ever be. I'm no better than a TV or a toaster or a refrigerator. Sure, they're helpful to have around, but if I break, another model exactly like me can be made in an instant. I'm not special. I'm not like a human with a billion different genomes. I don't have a soul. Do you know how much that hurts?"
Jax's frown grew even deeper and she could see his heart breaking. "That isn't true…"
"It is true." Fawn stood up and stared down at him. "Now I know what I am, I can't…I can't…function like I once did. Your wife was right in doing what she did the night that Ark came. You never should have made something like me. We're an atrocity to nature."
"Give it time." Jax's voice was gruff.
She was defiant. She didn't want to give it time. That meant more minutes spent hurt. It meant wanting to gouge out her heart for endless, long days. It meant she may have to see Gavin. Not being able to be near him would be the equivalent of jumping into a pool of acid. No. She wanted it to end right now.
“No.” Her jaw was tense. “I'm done. This is over.”
"Then what would you have me do to fix this? It wasn't supposed to be this way." Jax's stood up too, staring down at her. "You're already here."
Fawn didn't hesitate. "I want you to take me apart and promise you'll never make anything like me again."
Jax stared at her for a moment Fawn thought he planned to fight her wishes. She could see desperation in his eyes.
"Okay." Jax blew out a sigh. "But in return, you have to do something for me first."
Many words tumbled around in her mind. She wanted to scream, "I don't owe you anything." But the anger had a more powerful rival emotion. Love. If love could even be felt by a machine. She sighed then nodded her head. What was one last favor on the route to destruction?
"Wait a week," Jax said.
Though she thought she was mentally incapable of feeling any more shock, she'd been wrong. Surprise crushed her in strong arms. Intense. Sudden. Rapid. She wondered whether she could tear out her own emotion chip because that would make this so much easier to deal with.
"Why a week?" Fawn stared at him. "That's ridiculous."
"If you're set on your ways, then will a week matter?" Jax glared back at her.
Jax held her gaze for a long time. She wasn't sure whether it was the intenseness of his stare, but she was the first to break away. For a second time, she nodded. Jax was right, anyway. If she was set on her ways, then a week wouldn't matter.
****
Fawn and her parents drove home. The crushing weight of the silence left Fawn to drown in her emotions She could never erase the fact her feelings were not real. They were fake. Programmed. The fact she was nothing more than some other man's creation made her blood boil. Her parents' dishonesty lit her heart aflame too. But maybe it was time to forgive them. She was a machine, after all. It wasn't like they expected Shirley Temple. And soon their lives would return to normal. Without her.
Her dad parked in the space directly in front of the building. Fawn opened the door first and stepped onto the asphalt. Both of her parents got out of the car. Her dad reached out to touch her arm, but she danced away from him. She didn't want the comfort of his touch. Her mom's either. Their warmth would help, but that was exactly why she didn't want it. She didn't want another reminder of what wasn't real.
Her parents glanced at each other with deep frowns painted on their faces. Her dad walked toward the door of the building and went inside. She followed behind him. The three of them mutely went up the stairs together, avoiding each other's gazes like it was some sort of game. She was grateful for that. It would make the next week, which held the promise of apocalyptic agonies, all the more easier.
Just as her dad walked to their apartment and put his key in the lock, the sound of Gavin's door opening caused her head to turn. Gavin stood at the threshold of his door, pale faced and quivering. Fawn thought finding out she wasn't even real was the worst moment of her life. She'd been wrong. What was the worst moment was staring straight into Gavin's blue eyes and knowing all of the emotions, all of the sweet hopes she held for the two of them, was a lie. Gavin stepped toward her. She longed to fly into his arms and hug him tight and tell him everything. But if he knew what she was, he wouldn't want anything to do with her. It was one thing to have a crazy family or to have an OCD quirk. It was another thing to be a robot.
"Fawn?" Gavin whispered. "Are you okay?"
Fawn shook her head, placed her hand over her mouth to keep from calling his name in desperation, and rushed for the door the moment her dad managed to get it open. Her parents didn't follow her inside. She heard the sound of garbled talking in the hallway. She didn't know what her parents said to Gavin, but he didn't attempt to follow her into the apartment.