Persephone jumped off the back of my chariot. “What a bumpy ride!”

I was too stunned to say a word. I could only stare at her in disbelief.

“So, this is the Underworld.” Persephone peered through the big bronze gates. The inscription above them read:

WELCOME TO THE
UNDERWORLD!
MORTALS EVERYWHERE ARE DYING TO GET IN

“The place has a nice moonlight glow,” she added.

“Get into the chariot, Persephone,” I said sternly. “Charon? Take us across the Styx. I have to take a certain sneaky goddess back up to earth.”

“Oh, not yet, Hades,” Persephone said. “Before I go, can’t I have a little tour of your kingdom?”

I folded my arms across my chest. “Not a chance.”

Just then I heard wild, joyous barking.

My three-headed guard dog, Cerberus, came barreling down the riverbank to greet me.

“Hey, Cerbie!” I said, bending down to receive him as he leaped into my arms. “That’s my good boy, boy, boy.” He gave my face the old triple-licking as I patted each of his heads in turn.

Cerberus was enjoying himself, wagging his stump of a tail like crazy. Suddenly he froze. He’d spotted Persephone. Deep, hostile rumblings started up from all three of his throats.

Persephone backed up. “Is he growling at me?”

“Take it easy, Cerbie,” I said, scratching him behind one set of ears. “You don’t have to frighten her away, boy. No, because I’m about to take her home.”

Hearing this, Cerberus wagged his tail. But he kept on growling.

The last god my dog had growled at was Zeus. But Zeus had tried to zap him with a thunderbolt. Persephone hadn’t done anything. Why was Cerberus acting so hostile?

Persephone slowly extended a hand. “Nice doggy?”

Cerberus bared his teeth. I kept soothing him. I didn’t want him to snap at her. The last thing I needed was a lawsuit on my hands.

“Hop into the chariot, Persephone,” I said again. “I’m taking you home.”

“Oh, Hades!” said Persephone. “I’ve come all this way. Just let me see what the Underworld is like. Please? Besides, it’s late. You don’t want to drive me all the way up to earth at this hour.”

Persephone was right. I was beat—way too beat to make the trip again. And so were my steeds. Maybe I’d ask one of the Furies—my immortal avengers—to look after Persephone for one night, and then I could take her home tomorrow.

“All right,” I agreed. “You can stay the night. One night, and that’s it.”

Persephone’s face lit up. “Thanks, Hades!”

I had a feeling that tomorrow she’d try to talk me into staying another night and then another. But I was a busy god. I had a kingdom to rule. I couldn’t be taking random goddesses on endless tours of the Underworld!

“I’ll take you home first thing tomorrow,” I went on. “But now you’d better phone home and let your mom know—” I’d started to say “where you are,” but I stopped myself in time. I didn’t want anyone knowing I’d let a goddess into my kingdom. It could give other gods and goddesses ideas about coming down to see the sights. What a nightmare! My privacy would be shot. I had to be careful. “Let your mom know you’re okay,” I finished up.

“I will,” said Persephone. She jumped into the front seat of my chariot. “Just as soon as you give me the deluxe Underworld tour.”

I sat back down in the driver’s seat. “I usually make the rounds of my kingdom about this time anyway,” I said.

Cerberus leaped into the chariot. He wedged himself into the space between me and Persephone on the front seat.

“Giddy-up, Harley! Giddy-up, Davidson!” I called.

As we rode through the Underworld Gates, a plan formed itself in my mind. I’d show Persephone the darkest, scariest parts of my kingdom. By tomorrow morning, I wouldn’t have to argue with her about going back to earth. She’d be good and ready to go!

I began by driving Persephone through a thick grove of black poplar trees. It was very dark. But Persephone didn’t seem to be afraid of the dark. In fact, she didn’t seem to notice. She just kept chattering away.

“Don’t you think a young goddess should get to have a little fun once in a while?” Persephone said.

“I guess,” I answered.

“Well, my mom is not into fun,” Persephone said. “She’s always on my case to till the soil, water the plants, pull the weeds, harvest the corn, or do some other backbreaking chore. She never lets up! So I decided to take off for a while. When I waved you down, I was hoping to get a ride to Athens. I have some goddess girlfriends who have an apartment—Hey, what’s that over there?” she asked, peering through the trees. “Are those cabins?”

“That’s Motel Styx,” I told her. “It’s the temporary quarters for the new ghosts. They stay there until they’ve been judged.”

Dozens of ghosts were lined up outside Motel Styx, waiting to check in. When they saw us drive by, they began moaning and howling horribly. I glanced at Persephone, thinking she’d be shivering in fright. But instead, she was waving at the ghosts, as if she were some sort of Underworld homecoming queen!

Obviously, Persephone wasn’t afraid of ghosts.

But I wasn’t worried. There were scarier things up ahead. I turned the horses onto a road that curved down a steep hill.

“Over there?” I said, pointing. “That’s the Underworld Jail. It’s filled with dozens of enormous Titan warriors who have been locked up ever since they lost the big war for Mount Olympus. Every one of them is seething with red-hot anger.”

“Cool,” said Persephone. “Can we visit the jail? I’ve never seen a Titan up close and personal.”

“Maybe later.” I sighed and kept going down the hill. As we went, Cerberus occasionally turned to Persephone and growled.

“Cerbie!” I said. “Cease!”

After a while, he gave me a triple dirty look that clearly said I didn’t appreciate what a fine dog he was, or I’d boot Persephone out of the chariot. Then he stacked his heads on his paws and went to sleep. Even the constant ringing from Persephone’s purse didn’t wake him up.

“I’m not picking up,” Persephone said as her phone rang and rang. “Mom can’t exactly come looking for me down here. But I’ll phone home later. I promise.”

I nodded, thinking that what I was about to show Persephone might just frighten her enough to phone home right away. We were heading for Tartarus, a deep fiery pit, and the most frightening place in my kingdom. In any kingdom, for that matter. I was absolutely positive that Tartarus would scare the girdle off Persephone.

“You might not like Tartarus,” I warned her. “It’s a terrible place, where bubbling hot tar and rivers of flaming lava torment the ghosts of the wicked.”

“Wow,” said Persephone, sounding impressed. “I can’t wait to see it.”

“Maybe some other time,” I muttered, and I turned the horses back toward the main road. Tartarus was hot as blazes. I didn’t feel like getting covered in drosis (old Greek speak for “god sweat”) if Persephone was going to react to it as an attraction in some sort of Underworld theme park.

Was there nothing in my kingdom I could show this goddess to make her want to run screaming home and never come back? I glanced at Persephone. She was looking around with great curiosity. She was a most determined goddess. I had to say that for her. And she didn’t frighten easily. There was more to her than sweetness and flowers.

I urged the horses on. They trotted down a road lined with pomegranate trees. I pointed them out to Persephone. “They’re the only trees that bear fruit in this part of the Underworld,” I told her. “Ever had a pomegranate?”

Persephone shook her head.

“You should try one,” I said. “They’re delicious.”

On we went toward the Underworld Traffic Circle. In the middle of it stood the Underworld Courthouse. The Cyclopes had built it, and it was one of the jewels of my kingdom. I reined in the horses so Persephone could take a good look.

“That’s where the ghosts are judged,” I told her. “They get sent to live in different parts of my kingdom depending on how good or how bad they were while they were alive.”

“Don’t you feel awful sending ghosts to that red-hot punishment place, Tartarus?” Persephone asked.

“I don’t do the judging myself,” I told her. “King di Minos does that.”

“Hold it,” Persephone said. “I thought you were king down here.”

“I am,” I said. “Di Minos was once King of Crete. He still insists on wearing his crown and being called by his title. Zeus is his dad. But his mother was a mortal from Italy, so di Minos was born a mortal too. When he died, Zeus couldn’t stand the thought of one of his children becoming a ghost, so he made di Minos immortal and set him up down here as a judge.”

Zeus was always marrying mortals, and it was always a problem when his offspring turned out to be mortal too. Most immortals knew better and stuck to marrying their own kind.

I could have gone on and on about di Minos. He drove me crazy. I suspected that he was Zeus’s spy, and that he told him everything that went on in my kingdom. I’d have to do something about him one of these days.

I whistled to my steeds and steered the chariot from the courthouse into a stretch of colorless turf that extended as far as the eye could see. “The gray plants with the prickly leaves are asphodel,” I said. “It’s our main crop down here, the only thing that grows in most of the Underworld.”

“Ugly stuff,” said Persephone. “Stop for a second, Hades. I want to try something.”

I pulled on the reins, and Persephone jumped out of the chariot. She ran a short distance. Wherever her feet touched the ground, the asphodel instantly changed from dusty gray to green, and pink blossoms burst open.

“That’s amazing,” I said. “How did you do that?”

“It’s a goddess-of-spring thing,” Persephone said, stepping back into the chariot. “I guess you could say it’s my talent. I just wanted to see if I could do it in the Underworld.”

As we started off again, we saw a group of ghosts wandering around in circles through the asphodel. They were all chanting under their breaths, “I before E except after C. I before E except after C . . .”

“They’re some of the not-so-bad-but-not-so-good ghosts,” I told her. “That’s who lives in the Asphodel Fields. Their punishment is memorizing an endless list of really hard spelling words.”

“Poor ghosts,” said Persephone. “No wonder they look so dreary.”

I sped up my horses, and at last we came out of the Asphodel Fields. As we did, Persephone said, “Hey, stop! What’s that over there? A mall?”

I groaned. I hadn’t meant to bring

Persephone here. The Underworld Mall was the only part of my kingdom I wasn’t proud of. I’d lost the land the mall stood on to di Minos in a poker game. I knew he was cheating, but I couldn’t catch him at it. He’d learned to cheat from the expert—Zeus!

“Drive closer, Hades,” Persephone said. “Let me see the shops.”

“Don’t get too excited,” I warned her. “After all, the dead in this part of the Underworld are being punished.”

I drove Persephone toward di Minos Pizza Parlor. Its sign proclaimed:

OUR PIZZA IS TO DIE FOR!

Di Minos himself suddenly appeared in the doorway. After a day of judging, he always rushed to di Minos Pizza and took over in the kitchen, but he never traded his crown for a chef’s hat. Di Minos was a cheat and a spy and a pain in the neck, but I had to admit he was an Underworld-class cook. His pizza was delicious.

I didn’t want di Minos to see Persephone, or I’d have to explain who she was and what she was doing down here. I gave my horses a tap, and they put on some speed.

We drove past the rest of the mall shops: di Minos Decaf Coffee Shop, di Minos Bad-Hair-Day Salon, di Minos One-Size-Fits-All Robe and Tunic Shoppe, and di Minos Movie Palace. A marquee above it announced:

NOW SHOWING—SCREAM

“I see what you mean about the shops,” she said. “But at least there’s a movie theater.”

“That’s the only movie it shows,” I told her. “Ever.”

“What about the ghosts of the good?” she asked. “Where do they live?”

“In Elysium,” I said, clicking to my steeds. “I’ll show you.”

We galloped north through a grove of white cypress trees. We came close to my palace, Villa Pluto, then we veered east and crossed the bridge over the Pool of Memory. The sky began to brighten. By the time we reached Elysium, the sky overhead was blue.

Persephone gasped as she looked out at the vast orchard and at the ghosts picnicking in the shade of the apple trees. “This is gorgeous!” she exclaimed.

I nodded. “It pays to be good.”

I pointed to the many ghosts heading for the big open-air amphitheater. “They’re going to the eternal rock concert, Rock On! There’s a great band every night.”

“Really?” Persephone’s eyes lit up. “Who’s playing tonight?”

“Shades of Purple,” I said.

Persephone squealed. “I LOVE that group! But wait a minute. Those guys are . . .”

“Dead?” I said. “Right. We get all the best bands down here . . . eventually.”

“Can I go to the concert, Hades?” Persephone asked. “Please? I mean, Shades of Purple really is my all-time favorite group!”

“All right,” I said. I have to admit, I was having fun showing off the cool parts of my kingdom to Persephone. I don’t get many live ones down here in the Underworld, and I sort of forgot that the whole point was to make her want to go home.

I checked my watch. “I’ll come back and pick you up at XI o’clock.”

“Thanks, Hades!” said Persephone. “Keep the picnic basket for me, will you? And my purse?” She jumped out of my chariot and ran toward Elysium. Buttercups sprang up in her footsteps.

Only then did it hit me.

Persephone had forgotten to phone home!

“Persephone!” I yelled. “Come back! You forgot to call your mom!”

But she kept on running.