It was midmorning by the time I drove my chariot back into the Asphodel Fields with Mom taking up practically the whole front seat. The Olympians and the Underworldians were still quarreling. But when they saw my mom, everyone stopped shouting.
Hera was the first to find her voice. “Mother!” she exclaimed. “How good to see you!”
“You too, dear,” said Mom, stepping out of the chariot. “But enough chitchat. I’m here on business. I’ve been sent by Mother Earth. Listen, Demeter, your Granny Gaia isn’t one bit happy with you.”
While Mom scolded Demeter, I hurried over to Alec. Cerberus saw me coming and ran to greet me, smothering me with doggie kisses. I couldn’t blame my pooch for tracking me down. He’d only wanted to find his master. Cerberus trotted after me back to where Mom was lecturing Demeter.
“Mother Earth doesn’t like it when the mortals’ fields dry up, and they can’t grow their crops,” Mom was explaining. “The mortals begin to go hungry. And when they’re hungry, they get cranky. And when they’re cranky, they don’t send Mother Earth any decent sacrifices. Are you getting this, Demeter? Things can’t go on this way!”
“But I can’t summon the good feelings I need to make the earth bloom,” Demeter whined. “Not when my own daughter is wilting down in this pit.”
I wished she wouldn’t call my kingdom a pit.
“Right!” Zeus called out. “And Persephone? You don’t want to marry a god who can’t even tie a bow tie, do you?”
Oops! I’d forgotten that I was still dressed in my toga-tux.
“I say we get Persephone out of here!” said Zeus. “I say—”
“Put a sock in it, Zeusie,” said Mom. “I want to hear what Demeter has to say.”
Demeter sniffed. “If Persephone comes back to earth with me again, I shall be happy, and the earth shall burst forth with wheat and corn!”
“Yes!” cried the Olympians. “Demeter must get her daughter back.”
“But I don’t want to go!” Persephone folded her arms across her chest. “I want to stay here in the Underworld and marry Hades!”
“That’s what I want too,” I added.
“Yes! Let them have their wedding!” cried the Underworldians.
The Olympians started chanting: “Hey-hey! Hey-ho! Persephone has got to go!”
And the Underworldians chanted back: “Ho-ho! Hey-hey! Persephone has got to stay!”
“Whoo, boy,” said Mom. “There must be some way to make everybody happy.” She turned to me. “Hades, have you a courthouse in your kingdom?”
I nodded.
“Good,” said Mom. “Let’s go there. I always carry my judging robe for just such an occasion.” She patted one of her shopping bags.
“Hold it,” said King di Minos. “It’s my courthouse. I’m the judge!”
“Not today, di Minos,” Mom said. “I’ll be the judge of this. And take off that silly crown. You haven’t been king of anything for centuries.”
Di Minos grumbled and took off the crown. But I knew it would be back on his head the next time I saw him.
Everyone began cutting across the Asphodel Fields then, heading for the courthouse. I saw that Persephone had already started walking with the Furies, so I drove over in my chariot with Cerbie.
At the courthouse, Mom slipped on her black robe and squeezed behind the high judging desk. She barely fit. The rest of us found seats on the benches usually occupied by ghosts. I took the center aisle seat in the front row. Cerberus sat down at my feet. I turned around and searched the crowd. At last I found Persephone. She and the Furies were sitting near the back of the courtroom. I smiled and held up my crossed fingers for luck. Persephone did the same.
“Let’s begin.” Mom banged the gavel. “Here is our problem: Demeter wants Persephone to come home so she can be happy enough to make things grow on earth. But Persephone wants to stay in the Underworld and marry Hades.” Mom looked out into the courtroom. “Does anyone have anything to say in favor of Demeter’s position?”
“I do!” Zeus jumped to his feet.
Mom began banging on her gavel, but Zeus yelled over the banging.
“As Ruler of the Universe, I say Demeter gets her way!” he shouted. “Okay, that’s it. We’re finished here. Case dismissed!”
Mom gave an extra-loud bang. “Zeus, sit!” she ordered. “This isn’t The Zeus Show. This is a trial. I want to hear what everyone has to say and make an informed judgment. Is that all right with you?”
“Not really,” Zeus muttered, but he sat back down.
“Does anyone else have anything to say in favor of Demeter?” Mom asked.
To my surprise, Uncle Shiner stood up. “I have.”
Everyone began whispering. No one had expected anyone from the Underworld to take Demeter’s side. Uncle Shiner walked to the front of the courtroom. I wondered what I could have done to make the Cyclops turn against me.
“I call the god Cupid to the stand,” Uncle Shiner said.
As Cupid walked past us to the witness seat, one of Cerberus’s mouths snapped at him.
“Hey!” cried Cupid, jumping away. “That dog is a menace, man! He shouldn’t be in a courtroom!”
“Hades, could you please control your dog?” asked Mom.
“Absolutely.” I gave Cerbie a look, and he sat back down as Cupid took the witness stand.
“Do you swear to tell the truth and to forgo all myth-o-mania?” asked Mom.
“If I have to,” said Cupid.
“You are the god of love, are you not?” Uncle Shiner asked Cupid.
“That’s me,” said Cupid.
“And you occasionally shoot gods and mortals with what you call ‘love arrows,’” said Uncle Shiner. “Is this correct?”
“That’s my main job,” said Cupid.
“Exactly what happens when, let’s say, a god is struck with such a love arrow?” asked Uncle Shiner.
“He falls in love, man.” Cupid smirked. “Head-over-heels in love with the first goddess or mortal he looks at after he’s been hit.”
“I see,” said Uncle Shiner. “Now, Cupid, are you acquainted with the goddess of spring?”
“Am I what?” he asked.
“Do you know Persephone?” said Uncle Shiner.
“Persephone? Yeah, I know her,” Cupid admitted.
“Did she ever ask you to shoot an arrow at anyone sitting in this courtroom?” said Uncle Shiner.
“I’m not ratting out Persephone, man,” said Cupid.
“Answer the question, Cupid,” said Mom. “And tell the truth.”
“Okay, okay. Persephone set it up for me to shoot him.” Cupid pointed right at me!
Loud murmurs broke out in the courtroom.
Why would my darling Persephone ask Cupid to shoot me? It didn’t make sense. It couldn’t be true!
But Cupid wasn’t finished. “I hid in the bushes while Persephone and Hades had a picnic,” he continued. “Then I took aim and—zing! I got him!”
I turned in my seat to look at Persephone. I thought she might have jumped to her feet to yell that it wasn’t true. But she only glared at Cupid. I was stunned. Had Persephone tricked me into falling in love with her?
“But I just about got ripped apart by Hades’s mutt,” Cupid was saying. “That dog needs a muzzle, man. No, make that three muzzles.”
I managed to grab onto Cerberus’s collar just as he was leaping up to have another go at Cupid.
“And Persephone still owes me for the job, too,” Cupid finished up.
Persephone had offered Cupid money to shoot me? My head was spinning.
“Cupid,” said Uncle Shiner, “will you kindly show us one of your love arrows?”
The god of love reached into his quiver and pulled out a small golden arrow. I was sad to see that it looked exactly like the one I’d pulled from the back of my neck.
Uncle Shiner turned toward Mom. “You have heard how Persephone hired Cupid to carry out the cold-blooded shooting of the unsuspecting Hades,” he said. “This is treachery. This is deceit. And this is why Hades must not go through with the wedding.”
Everyone in the courthouse burst out talking at once. So this was what Uncle Shiner had been trying to tell me!
Mom banged her gavel. “Order in the court!” she called. “Shiner, do you have a theory as to why the goddess of spring might have hired Cupid to shoot Hades? What was her motive?”
“Possibly she wanted to marry him to get away from her mother,” said Uncle Shiner. “But I suspect that her main motivation was to become Queen of the Underworld.”
Everyone started buzzing again, and Mom started banging her gavel.
Had Persephone done all this to be queen? I felt as if I’d just been jabbed in the heart.
Mom looked at me. “Well, Hades? What do you have to say?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
“Shiner’s interrogation sheds new light on the case,” Mom said. “Do you want to call off the wedding, Hades?”
I sat frozen to the spot. I couldn’t say a word.
“Because if you do,” she went on, “just say the word, and Demeter will take Persephone back to earth immediately.”
“Yes!” Demeter yelled out. “Call it off, Hades!”
Mom banged her gavel to silence Demeter. “Order!” she said. Then she added, “Hades is too shaken to speak, so I think the best thing for me to do is to call off the—”
“Wait!” cried Hera.
Mom peered down at her. “What is it, Hera?”
Hera stood. “As you know, Mother, I am the goddess of marriage.”
“Hera, is this remotely related to the case?” asked Mom.
“It is,” Hera said. “As the protector of marriage, it is my duty to make sure that this wedding isn’t being called off too soon.”
“Hera!” barked Zeus. “Don’t go there!”
“Shush.” Hera waved at Zeus, but kept her eyes on Mom. “You asked whether anyone had anything to say in favor of Demeter’s case,” she said. “But you haven’t asked if anyone has anything to say in favor of Persephone’s.”
“You’re right,” said Mom. “I’ve been a little hasty.” She looked around the courtroom. “Well? Does anyone have anything to say?”
“I do!” came Tisi’s voice from the back of the courtroom.
“All right, Tisi,” said Mom. “To be fair, you may have your say. But it’s been a long day, so you’ll have to do it first thing in the morning. Hypnos?” Her eyes scanned the courtroom. “There you are. Wake up! Prepare the Titan Suite in Motel Styx. I’ll be staying there tonight.” She banged her gavel. “Everyone report back here tomorrow morning at IX o’clock. Court dismissed!”