I can only imagine how excited you must be to hold this book in your hand. This, my first book in the English language. A book, appropriately, about Britain, and its myriad wrongs. If you, reader, are British, expect to face some home truths. They may be ugly, but trust me, I am holding up this verbal mirror to your ruddied faces only to help you to better yourselves.
You are welcome.
It contains observations, suggestions, poetry and pictorials. There may also be, in the spirit of Proust, lengthy sentences which, just as you think they are about to end, continue, ever-evolving, as a Frenchman’s stream of thought has a tendency to do, flowing calmly and intellectually through an undulating sea of existential postulation, moral dichotomy and social examination, perhaps to some logical conclusion, perhaps (as is more often the case), to a wider ocean of possibility, upon which a new horizon rests, stretching sublimely to infinity.
Do not fear these sentences. If you have read this far, already you have a greater span of concentration than most Britons, and are worthy of this book. Well done.
When you have finished the book, wrap it in fabric, place it in a brass tin and store it as far underground as you can dig before it inevitably begins to rain. It is a limited edition. Everything is. Including you.
Yes, apologies for this ‘spoiler’, but eventually every one of us will die. Therefore, you may as well spend your time engaged in wholesome pursuits, such as reading this book in its entirety.
And why am I passing this valuable information on to you, perhaps you ask?
For the money and adoration, mainly, but also to help curb the troubling advance of American culture on your isle. Yes, in the American style they have removed their Bush, but at this stage it is like keeping a dog inside only after it has defecated on every neighbour’s lawn, mauled several children and fucked everybody’s leg. And invaded Iraq.’Ah, but now we have Mr Obama,’ they say. ‘America is “cool” again.’ I say, it depends how one defines ‘cool.’ I say, whose president is fucking a supermodel?
Anyway, I will now wind down this introduction to allow you to enjoy the main thrust of the book. This is your book – enjoy it, obey it, tell others about it. If you are living in Britain, it is the least you deserve.
This is my first full book in this language, so the English may not be entirely perfect, but neither are you.
A large amount of this book was written in the nude.