The worst thing was not having a plan. Heather wasn’t super-organised but years of being a mum made her realise you needed focus if your life wasn’t going to go to shit. The campervan grumbled along the road. A truck overtook them, making the van wobble in the downdraft. Heather gripped the wheel like she wanted to crush it.
They’d left Ratagan forty minutes ago, having taken a distressing amount of time getting their shit together. While Ava was inside saying goodbye to Freya, Heather stood on the front porch and watched in amazement as Lennox and Sandy walked together from the beach, across the road and into the van. Part of her hoped this was a weird trip, a side effect of the stroke and the tumour. But even if all this was made up, she still had to go along with it.
Once they were on the road they had to make decisions. Lennox was still unclear where Sandy wanted to go, and none of them knew what Sandy’s motivation was. A rendezvous point or safe haven of some kind? Lennox just said ‘north’. Nobody else had serious input so Heather had to choose. Heading further west took you to Skye and that was a dead end. So they doubled back east for a short time, hoping they wouldn’t see a bunch of police cars coming round the bend.
Then they turned north and joined the west bank of Loch Ness at Invermoriston. At least now they were heading further away from Edinburgh. Ava hadn’t been clear about the call, just that she sensed someone was with her mum on the other end of the phone. Heather felt the urge to call Ewan but it was more important to make some distance for now.
Lennox was in the back of the van, Sandy spilling out of the sink, Ava up front next to Heather.
‘Wow,’ Ava said, nodding out the window.
Loch Ness was massive and ominous, a huge expanse. Heather had been this way as a backpacking student three decades ago and had the same impression then. It was too big to make sense of, the water a dark blue that was almost black.
‘It’s creepy,’ Heather said.
‘It’s beautiful,’ Ava said.
Heather glanced behind. Sandy was more animated than before, tentacles waving, colour streams spiralling across their body. Lennox was captivated by the display. He’d become much closer to them, like a best friend he never knew he needed. Sandy was communicating with him, obviously, but it wasn’t as straightforward as giving them a postcode. And what would happen if they got to where Sandy wanted to go? What was left for the three of them after that? There was no going back, yet they couldn’t run forever.
‘Do you believe in Nessie?’ Ava said, looking at Sandy.
Heather laughed. ‘Up until a few days ago, the idea of mythical creatures living in the water would’ve seemed like total crap. But a prehistoric monster in Loch Ness is not the craziest thing I can think of anymore.’
They drove for a while, patchy white cloud, beams of sunshine slicing between and hitting the dark water. On the other side of the road was a sheer rock face sprinkled with hardy trees, gripping for all they were worth. Heather wanted to relax but every time they passed a lorry going the other way, the shudder from the slipstream made her imagine the van veering into the cliff or swerving through the barrier into the water.
‘Do you want me to drive?’ Ava said.
Heather shook her head. ‘I just need to relax.’
Ava nodded. ‘So tell me something about yourself, maybe that’ll take your mind off things.’
Heather laughed. ‘I don’t think that’ll calm me down.’
‘Your story can’t be any worse than mine.’
‘Want to bet?’
Ava was quiet.
Heather sighed. ‘I’m sorry, it’s not a competition. It took a lot of balls to leave Michael like you did.’
‘What about you?’
‘What about me?’
‘Coming away like this,’ Ava said. ‘Looking after us all.’
Heather waved a hand around the van. ‘I’m not exactly doing a great job.’
Ava smiled. ‘You’re doing a better job than you think. You’re a natural mother.’
Heather felt tightness in her chest. ‘No, I’m not.’
‘I don’t know how I’ll look after this one,’ Ava said rubbing her stomach.
A large Tesco truck passed them the other way, making the van shake. Then an Audi overtook them on a thin stretch of straight road. Heather swallowed and tried to calm herself. The road had risen away from the loch, trees along the verge strobing the view.
‘You’ll be fine,’ she said. ‘Everyone is scared beforehand, but they’re so worth it.’
‘Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.’ Ava said this softly, dipping a toe in the water.
‘Yeah.’ Heather felt bad about shutting this down but she couldn’t deal with it just now.
The road climbed and as they got higher there was more perspective on the size of the loch. It stretched to the horizon and Heather felt tiny in their wee camper. Their engine rattled with the steep incline. She had the accelerator on the floor but they were barely managing uphill, a string of vehicles queueing behind. Eventually the road levelled out at a high summit, then began to slope slightly downhill.
‘It might help to talk about it,’ Ava said.
‘I don’t think—’
A bang shook the van and they swerved into the middle of the road before Heather righted them. A metallic grinding shook them so much she couldn’t think. Black smoke began billowing from the bonnet.
‘The power’s gone,’ Heather said, glancing in the mirror.
She threw on the hazards and was about to pull onto the verge.
‘Look.’ Ava pointed at a large car park nestled down a slight slope amongst the trees to the right. They freewheeled past a sign for Urquhart Castle. Heather saw several campervans in amongst tourist coaches. It was more anonymous than sitting on the road in full view.
She signalled and turned, using the momentum of the van to slide into a space behind some bushes which hid them from the road. She pulled on the handbrake and stared at the smoke still pluming from the bonnet.
‘Fuck.’
Ava stared at the smoke. ‘What now?’
Heather knew this was coming. She’d been avoiding thinking about him, but she’d also been heading towards him all along. She’d always known they were leading to this.
‘I can call a guy,’ she said.
‘Who?’
‘My ex-husband.’