Nikki Loftin
I wish I could stop you.
I wish I could stop you from even sitting on that tree swing with your First Real High School Boyfriend (he’s a sophomore and you’re just a freshman!), Bill Underhill.* Because I see where this is going. And I really wish I could stop you from leaning in for that first kiss. (That atrocious, saliva-soaked, tongue-so-far-down-your-throat-you-gag-and-almost-throw-up-Lucky-Charms, poorly executed car wash of a French kiss.)
But mostly? I wish I could stop you from saying what you say about three kisses later.
When you ask—oh God—if he wouldn’t mind NEVER kissing you like that again? Because he’s a great boyfriend, but UGH! THAT WAS SO GROSS!
You know what’s next: No more boyfriend.
You’ve pretty much always come right out and said what you thought, without thinking about the consequences. There are lots of times when it doesn’t turn out all that great (although having your face exfoliated by Bill’s tongue one more time would have been cause for homicide, so maybe you were right to insult the guy), but that runaway mouth of yours is going to cause real pain to friends and family members. Enough pain that I really, really wish I could get you to listen to this one piece of advice: Whether you intend to compliment or insult, think, for just a second, before you speak.
It’s probably hopeless. Still, don’t despair. Your tendency to blab’s going to do some good, too.
For instance, in a month, your friends will start telling you how much the cute/popular Ray Vargas likes you. At the first high school dance, when he asks you to dance, you’ll say yes, thrilled not to be the Utter Social Reject you were in middle school.
“So, you’re cute,” he’ll say.
You’ll giggle.
But then he’ll say, “I hear you dated some real loser last year. Why would you do that?”
You have a sudden vision of the “loser” he means: that darling seventh-grade boy who brought you roses and made you a set of twelve-inch-tall initials—N.L.—out of scrap metal in shop class (which he subsequently painted gold). And what this Ray character just said about him will completely tick you off.
Your mouth will start to move before you can think. Before you wonder if you shouldn’t just smile and say, “I don’t know. Silly me,” or something equally dumb. Instead, you’ll take a step back and say, “Well, I guess I didn’t think he was such a loser, or I wouldn’t have dated him.”
And then you’ll leave that popular jerk standing alone on the dance floor.
It doesn’t matter that you’ll hide in the bathroom the rest of the night, wondering if you’d just committed social suicide (you hadn’t).
Trust me when I tell you: This moment is one instance where that mouth of yours got it exactly right.
Even though it might have been easier, socially, to keep your mouth shut, you stood by a person that you really valued. You spoke the truth.
So try to be a little kinder when you’re criticizing your sister’s clothing, hair, and hygiene—but when it comes to standing up for the so-called losers of the world? Let your mouth do its thing.
Just—keep it away from Bill Underhill’s tongue? A valiant mouth like yours doesn’t need that kind of trauma.
P.S. Not getting along with Bill and Ray frees you up later to date an amazing boy…who kisses very well!
* All the names have been changed, because no one deserves to have his kissing technique trashed so publicly. Even if it was horrific.
Nikki Loftin still talks too much and says inappropriate things in polite company. She and her Scottish husband are raising two sons who also mouth off—mostly to their parents. Nikki writes funny/scary stories for kids. Her debut novel, The Sinister Sweetness of Splendid Academy, came out in August 2012. Visit her at NikkiLoftin.com.