Cheryl Rainfield
I know you dream of escape, of being rescued, of never being hurt again. I know you think your pain will never end, and sometimes you don’t know how to go on. And I know you think about killing yourself. You’re good with blades, and you know that you could do it. But something stops you. And that something is good: It’s hope. Hope, tenacity, and your fighting spirit.
I know that when your pain feels unbearable, when every second seems like torture, you cut yourself in secret, then carefully hide the evidence beneath long sleeves. But you wish someone would see the truth and ask “why?” You wish someone could see past your parents’ facades, their “protectiveness,” and their tight smiles, and see how cruel they really are.
I know it seems like it will never end—the rape, the torture—and so you push it down as hard as you can and try to forget, but fragments keep slicing into your mind. Somehow, you’re sure that remembering is the only way to get safe. And you’re right. Remembering and telling your story is the key to your safety.
You will escape. You’ll run away from home, and when they find you again, you’ll have to endure even more abuse. But you’ll keep building up your inner strength so that you can find a way to break away again and again and again. Each and every time that you cut off contact with your abusers, you liberate yourself a little bit more, until you are finally and completely free.
You’ll find a good therapist, one who gives you empathy, compassion, and love. She will be a lifeline for you, and you’re right to seek her support. It’s too hard to do it alone. All those experiences and your own intuition will help you figure out exactly who you can trust. You’ll fight your abusers’ attempts to break you down by creating your own counter messages, and by finding other people who will appreciate and support you. You’ll break through your abusers’ mind control, lies, and threats, and you’ll find your voice in writing. You’ll write books! And they’ll reach other teens who need them. You will touch lives.
I know you feel like you can’t hang on. I know you feel like you can’t survive. But you will, and you’ll be glad that you did. You’ll have moments of quiet happiness, and later, joy. You’ll find true friends who treasure you. It won’t always hurt like this. It won’t always be like it is right now. The pain will lessen.
Stop hating yourself. The hatred doesn’t belong to you. It belongs to the ones who torture you. Try to let it go, and to be gentle with yourself. Try not to hurt yourself. You don’t deserve it. Believe in yourself—in your vision and your goodness—and trust yourself. You know what you need. Just keep holding on. Good things are coming, I promise.
So keep hold of your strength. You are so much stronger than you know. Keep hold of your compassion, your intuition, and your intelligence. They can’t take those things away from you. Keep writing, keep creating art, keep reading, and keep finding your way through the darkness. You’ll make a good life for yourself. And you will find safety, happiness, and love. So hang on until then, my girl.
Cheryl Rainfield is the author of Hunted (2011) and Scars (2010), a Top 10 YALSA Quick Pick for Reluctant Readers and a Governor General Literary Award Finalist. Visit CherylRainfield.com, Twitter.com/CherylRainfield, and Facebook.com/CherylRainfield.