The Better Mood Recovery Program, Week 7
THE ROAD TO SELF-ESTEEM
“There is no value judgment more important to man—no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation, than the estimate he passes on himself.”
—Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Self-Esteem
Seventh Week Overview
In this week you will learn specific techniques for developing a positive self-worth and self-esteem.
Self-esteem can be defined as our basic sense of self-worth that comes from all the thoughts, feelings and experiences we have accumulated about ourselves in life. These impressions and evaluations add up to our feeling good about ourselves or feeling inadequate.
Studies show that positive self-esteem is a powerful antidote to depression. When we truly value ourselves and feel that we are worthwhile, we are much more likely to engage in the self-nurturing strategies that will help us to get well and to stay well. A person with healthy self-esteem says, “Because I am of value, I deserve to feel better. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to bring about my healing.”
Unfortunately people who become depressed find that their self-esteem plummets like a stock market in free fall. As author and recovering depressive William Styron wrote, “I felt like an absolute, loathsome complete worthless object who hadn't don't anything and whose life trajectory had gone up and then was plunged down to absolute zero.” Styron's friend, TV journalist Mike Wallace added about his own depression, “I felt lower than a snake's belly. I thought the world would be better off without me.”
Fortunately, depression is cyclic. When people emerge from an episode they often feel good enough to start repairing and strengthening their self-esteem. In this week, we will learn a number of powerful tools to bring this about.
Self-Esteem Booster #1: Speaking to Yourself in a Loving Manner
“I am the greatest.”
What we say to ourselves and how we say it has a powerful impact on how we feel. Each of us participates in a silent inner conversation known as SELF-TALK. This self-talk consists of two inner voices that engage in a ongoing dialogue. The first of these voices, known as the “yes” voice, represents the part of the psyche that is loving and affirming. The “yes” voice is a source of peacefulness and strength. It taps into the natural curiosity, wonder, vitality, spontaneity, creativity, and joy that we possess.
The second opposing voice is called the “no” voice. This is the part of the psyche that engages in negative, fearful self-talk. It is the voice of doubt, worry, anxiety, limitation, shame and self-hate.
Here are some examples of what these two voices say.
| YES Voice | NO Voice |
| I can. | I can't. |
| I am okay. | I'm no good. |
| I can handle it. | I can't do it. |
| I am special. | I'm a loser. |
| I will get through this hard time. | I will never be happy again. |
I am afraid, but I will act anyway. |
I can't act because I am too afraid |
| I can make a difference. | I am powerless. |
| I am smart. | I'm a dumbbell. |
| I am good looking. | I am ugly. |
Characteristics of Self-Esteem
Individuals with high self esteem exhibit the following characteristics. They:
- feel they are important, that they matter.
- are responsible—to themselves and to others.
- have a strong sense of self; act independently and are not easily influenced by others.
- acknowledge their abilities and talents and are proud of what they do.
- believe in and have faith in themselves; are able to risk and to face challenges.
- express many types of emotions and feelings.
- have a high tolerance for frustration.
- exhibit emotional self-control.
- feel connected to others, have good communication skills and know how to make friends.
- care about their personal appearance and take care of their bodies.
Clearly, the more our self-talk arises out of the “yes voice,” the healthier our self-esteem will be. A simple way to reinforce the “Yes” voice is through the use of affirmations An affirmation is a positive thought or idea that you consciously focus on in order to produce a desired result. The result may be a specific goal or outcome (doing well in school, making new friends, improving one's health) or an improved attitude or state of mind (experiencing self-love, overcoming fear). You can create an affirmation for virtually any need, goal or challenge in his life.
Because they say YES! to a person's inner being, affirmations are ideally suited for building self-esteem. My favorite self-esteem affirmation, I am me, and I am enough, beautifully conveys the sense of being okay at the core level. A sample of other uplifting self-esteem affirmations appears on the following page.
Affirmations for Self-Esteem
I like myself unconditionally.
I value myself.
I am a valuable person who deserves to be whole and well.
I treat myself as I would my own best friend.
I honor and celebrate my own uniqueness.
I am one of a kind.
I deserve to be happy.
I am capable, competent and worthy.
I treat myself to the very best.
I am a good person.
I love myself just the way I am.
I accept myself as I am.
I am me, and I am enough.
I feel good about me.
I like my essence.
I take responsibility for my well being.
I take good care of myself.
I respect who I am.
I am confident and self-assured.
I am a work in progress, growing and evolving.
I am the master of my fate. I am the captain of my soul.
Creating Your Own Affirmation
Affirmations work best when they arise form within. Here is a process that I have used with great success in my groups.
Close your eyes. Go back in time and picture three different moments in your life where you felt proud or good about yourself. Perhaps you were engaging in a positive action, or someone gave you a compliment, or you reflected on one of your strengths. In each of these instances, think of an adjective that you could use to describe yourself in that moment.
Next, take one of those adjectives in and complete these sentences:
a) I am ____________________________________________________
b) (State your name), you are ___________________________________
For example, if I saw myself as courageous, my affirmations would be: 1) I am courageous and 2) Douglas, you are courageous.
Now open your eyes and use each of the three adjectives to complete the self-statements below.
1) I am _________________ You are _______________________
2) I am _________________ You are _______________________
3) I am _________________ You are _______________________
As you read your affirmations aloud, ask yourself, “How does it feel to say something positive about myself and to myself? Does it bring up any feelings of resistance and unworthiness?1
I also recommend that you give your affirmation to a friend and ask him or her to repeat it back to you in the second tense—i.e. my wife Joan would say to me, “Douglas, you are courageous.” Again, ask yourself, “What feelings come up when I hear this positive self-statement from another person?”
Finally, If you want to further increase the effectiveness of your affirmation, repeat it while looking in the mirror. (This will really test you to see how much good you can receive). If you can bear with the discomfort and embarrassment of hearing something wonderful about yourself, this exercise will really boost your self-esteem.
Henry Ford once said, “If you think you can, you can. If you think you can't you can't. Either way you are right.” Through the power of our word, we have the ability to shape our inner and out reality. When we learn to speak to ourselves in loving and kind way, we will both feel better and will attract positive experiences in the outer world.
Self-Esteem Booster #2: Taming the Inner Critic
When people first start to use affirmations, they often experience a disconcerting phenomenon. Each time they say their affirmation, a second voice jumps in to oppose the affirmation. In my book Words That Heal, I give the example of a client who used Muhammad Ali's famous affirmation “I am the greatest,” in order to build his self esteem. Here is how his inner self-talk played out.
| Affirmation: | What Comes Up |
| I am the greatest. | I'm afraid you're not. |
| I am the greatest. | In fact, you're a real loser. |
| I am the greatest. | You can't do anything right! |
Another name for this disparaging “No voice” is “The INNER CRITIC.” The inner critic is the negative inner voice that constantly judges, criticizes, and negates attacks us. Here are some of the inner critic's favorite tactics.
1) S/he blames you for things that go wrong.
2) S/he compares you to others—to their achievements and abilities—and finds you wanting.2
3) S/he sets impossible standards of perfection and hounds you for the smallest mistake.
4) S/he keeps an album of your failures, but never once reminds you of you strengths and abilities.
5) S/he has a script telling you how you ought to live. He “shoulds” all over you.
6) S/he calls you names—stupid, incompetent, weak, selfish, defective, ugly—and makes you believe they are all true.
7) The inner critic loves to focus on what you didn't do right instead of what you did right. He produces SHAME—Should Have Already Mastered Everything.
8) S/he employs the cognitive distortion of overgeneralization through using the words always and never—i.e., “You always mess up,” or “always screw up a relationship,” or “never do anything on time.”3
The inner critic resembles what John Bradshaw calls “the shaming voices in our head” that reinforce our sense of unworthiness and failure. In the perennial TV show Charlie Brown's Christmas Special, Charlie Brown repeatedly asks, “Why is it that everything I touch gets ruined?” This type of shaming self-talk is repeated by millions of people around the country each and every day.
Strategies for Responding to the Inner Critic
The inner critic is usually some internalized critical parent or other authority who judged, criticized or put us down when we were children. Now that voice has become incorporated into our own internal self-talk, it is up to us to disarm him or her. Eleanor Roosevelt said that “nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.” At some point we gave the inner critic the power to make us feel inferior; now is the time to take our power back. The process for accomplishing this is identical to what we used in cognitive restructuring: becoming aware of the inner critic, disputing the validity of what the critic is saying, and replacing the critic's voice with a realistic, positive self-statement. Here are the steps.
Step 1: Become aware of the negative voice of the inner critic.
The first step in any change process is awareness. Start to notice when you begin to put yourself down. It helps to give the inner critic a name—i.e. “the bully,” “the critic.” “the judge,” “Mr./ms. perfect,” “Martha,” (a parent's name), “Mr./ms. kick-ass, hard-ass” etc. This helps to differentiate between you and the critic.
Step 2: Halt what the critic is saying.
After becoming aware of the critic's voice, you then short-circuit the negative self-talk and stops it in its tracks. The following “Howitzer mantras” are selected words and phrases that are designed to do just that.
Stop that!
Shut up!
Get lost!
Lies, lies, and more lies.
I beg to disagree, mother.
I beg to disagree, father.
I beg to disagree (fill in the name)
What you are saying is absolute nonsense.
CANCEL! CANCEL!
Step 3: Use affirmations to replace the critic's negative self-talk with a more realistic and compassionate view of yourself.
Here are some examples:
Ultimately, the best way to inoculate yourself against the inner critic is to practice self-acceptance. The inner critic's power comes from the belief that you are not okay the way you are. Once you start to have compassion for yourself and practice self-forgiveness, the inner critic's power over you will diminish. This brings us to our next topic.
Self-Esteem Booster #3: Letting Go of Blame Through Self-Forgiveness
“To err is human, to forgive is divine.”
One of the inner critic's favorite activities is to blame you for things that went wrong in the past. The critic has no trouble pointing out past blunders (which we all make) and then holding you accountable. For example, I have clients who are still upset with themselves:
- for dropping out of school.
- for going off medication and having a relapse.
- for getting into drugs and alcohol.
- for passing up a golden business opportunity.
- for having an unhappy marriage.
- for inadvertently hurting themselves or another person.
Some of these incidents occurred thirty to forty years ago. Nonetheless, people continue to mentally “beat themselves up” and hold themselves in contempt. Such self-blame and guilt further debilitates their already damaged self-esteem.
Healing from depression means that we release this self-blame and learn to forgive ourselves. This means having compassion for ourselves by seeing that we were doing “the best we could” with the awareness we had at the time. The following process will help bring this realization home.
Self-Forgiveness Exercise
Think of a past incident where you have not forgiven yourself. It could be something recent or something that occurred long ago. Try to pick an experience that is only mild to moderately distressing; you can deal with the heavy stuff when you have had more practice with this process.
Now ask yourself, “If I could go back in time and bring my current knowledge and awareness with me, how would I have handled the situation? Would I have acted differently?”
Answering these questions will help you to see that you probably did not have your current wisdom and knowledge available to you in the past. You made the best choice you could with the limited awareness you possessed.
When we can accept that we truly were doing our best, a huge burden is lifted from our shoulders and psyche. We literally feel lighter as feelings of guilt and heaviness that accompany depression are slowly released. This process is not an easy one; nor does it occur overnight. If you wish to explore the possibility of practicing self-forgiveness (or forgiving another person), I suggest that you work with a trained counselor or spiritual advisor. There are also excellent books and resources on forgiveness which are widely available in bookstores and libraries.
Self-Esteem Booster #4: Overcoming the Stigma of Depression
Despite the fact that modern medicine recognizes that depression, like heart disease, is an organic condition whose seat resides in a disturbed brain, a societal view still persists that depression is the result of a weak will or a character deficit. Too often, a person suffering from anxiety or depression internalizes this stigma and suffers from what family therapist John Bradshaw calls “toxic shame”—the belief that one is flawed and defective at the core. While guilt says “I made a mistake.” Shame says “I am a mistake.” As one client recently confessed, “I feel like I'm damaged goods.”
Here are two powerful strategies that you can use to dissolve this debilitating shame so you don't have to “feel bad about feeling bad.”
Healing strategy 1: Make a distinction between who you are and your condition.
If you feel ashamed about having a diagnosis of depression, it is important to separate yourself from your condition. The label “depression” does not define who you are but how you are suffering. Think of yourself as a normal person responding to an abnormal condition. Your spiritual essence transcends depression and cannot be touched by it or any illness. As my friend Mary Morrissey has said:
There is something about you that isn't touched by your circumstances. There's something about you that no matter whatever happened to you, it can't really harm you unless you agree to that harm. You have a kind of power, an essence to you, that's beyond anything that can happen to you. Who you are is an invisible, spiritual dweller, evolving and that soul continues to evolve even after the doorway we call death.
Here is a delightful story which speaks directly to this truth.
The $20 Bill Story
A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200 he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I'm going to give this $20 bill to one of you, but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up. He then asked, “Who still wants it?” Still, the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “what if I do this?” He then dropped the bill to the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. “Now who wants it.” Still, the hands went up into the air.
“My friends,” the speaker said, “you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in life we are dropped, crumpled and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.”
“You are special. Don't ever forget it.”
This story makes it clear that even if we suffer from depression, there is a basic core of wholeness and goodness that remains our true essence. Affirming this inner light can help us maintain our self-esteem, even as our bodies and emotions struggle to return to wellness.
Healing strategy 2: Reframe your battle against depression as a heroic struggle.
When I work with people who have spent their lives battling psychiatric illnesses, I do not see wimps. I see strong and courageous individuals who have the Herculean task of bearing and transforming intense pain. Like St. George who slayed the dragon, their task is to conquer their inner demons. I am reminded of what Christopher Reeve said about this type of heroism shortly after he became paralyzed:
When the first Superman movie came out, I was frequently asked, “What is a hero?” My answer was that a hero is someone who commits a courageous action without considering the consequences—a soldier who crawls out of a foxhole to drag an injured buddy to safety. I also meant people who are slightly larger than life: Houdini and Lindbergh, John Wayne, JFK and Joe Dimaggio. Now my answer is completely different. I think of a hero as an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.4
Diana's Story: Breaking the Silence
I am fifty three years old and for the past thirty four years I have had schizo-affective disorder. I am also bipolar. I have been married for thirty years, am the mother of five children and have three lovely grandchildren.
Twenty years ago, when my children were ten, eight, five and one, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I was taken to a psychiatric hospital in the middle of the night and did not see my children again for 7 weeks. My husband and mother cared for the children, but no one ever explained the nature of my illness to them. They were just told, “Mommy needs a rest. She is sick.” Everything was hushed up, such was the stigma with regards to mental illness. I was hospitalized three more times after that, but the silence continued.
Finally, after thirty four years of therapy, my counselor suggested that we have a family meeting to talk openly about my psychiatric condition. By this time, my children were 30, 28, 25, 21 and 18. Although we planned to meet for an hour, the session lasted two and a half hours. For the first time, my children got to learn the truth, All of those questions that had been on their minds finally got asked and answered. Throughout the meeting there were many tears and hugs. The meeting was such a success that all of the participants wanted to meet with my therapist again in 2-3 weeks.
Afterwards, my children told me that this meeting was long overdue. Now that they are becoming educated about my condition, they no longer have to wonder what is wrong with me or be afraid of what they don't understand.
I do believe that the terrible stigma of mental illness is gradually decreasing. Although the meeting was initially stressful for me, it was very beneficial for my children. Since the meeting, my children take the initiative and ask me how I am feeling, and they aren't making as many demands on me. But most of all, I don't have to hide my illness anymore!
In this sense, everyone of us who has ever struggled with crippling depression or anxiety is a hero—and there certainly is no shame in that.
Just as recovering from depression is a lifelong journey, so too is overcoming its stigma. The key, I believe, lies in self-love and self-acceptance. This is where support groups are immensely helpful. The healing of shame begins when we come out of hiding and let others witness our affliction. Their acceptance of us allows us to accept ourselves. Ultimately, we can love and embrace all of us including those parts that we had considered unacceptable.
This Week's Goals/Assignments
Here are you assignments for the coming work:
1. Fill out the “Assessing My Self-Esteem” inventory and that follows.
2. Choose one of the affirmations that you created in the affirmation exercise and repeat it to yourself throughout the week. Try saying it while looking in the mirror.
Ongoing Self-Care Activities
- Read your vision statement.
- Chart your moods in the daily mood diary.
- Meet with you buddy/coach
- Formulate a goal for your weekly goal sheet
- Exercise (3x or more a week).
- Drink 64 ounces of water, sipping throughout the day.
- Use your cognitive restructuring worksheet to identify and replace your negative thinking.
- Write down any blessings in your gratitude journal. If you can't find anything to be grateful for, let it be okay. The most important thing is to be honest with what you are feeling right now.
No Less Than Greatness
The following lines from Marianne Williamson's book A Return to Love were spoken by Nelson Mandala in his 1994 Inaugual address as he assumed the presidency of South Africa. they are a wonderful affirmation of the self-love that leads to positive self-esteen.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you NOT to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Nelson Mandela
from his 1994 Inaugural Speech
Assessing My Self-Esteem
The following questions are designed to help you to assess how you are doing in the area of self-esteem. You can answer in the spaces provided or in your better mood journal.
1. What is the nature of my self-talk? Is it mostly encouraging and affirming or fearful and negative? Do I see the glass as half-empty or half-full?
2. What tools do I use (such as affirmations) to consciously bring positive beliefs and attitudes into my life so that I may think more optimistically?
3. Do I spend as much time praising myself as I do criticizing myself? What strategies have I developed to respond to my inner critic?
4. Have I ever felt shame or negative feelings about myself for having been depressed or anxious? How have I responded to these feelings?
5. Are there any areas in my life where I have not forgiven myself for mistakes I have made in the past? Am I open to seeing that perhaps I did the best I could at the time with the awareness I had?
6. What are the most important lessons I have learned from my depression and/or anxiety? Have I received any gifts or valuable teachings from my experience?
My Goal Sheet for Week 7
This week's starting date_____________My coach/buddy ____________________
Date/time we will connect _____________________________
Goal or Goals _______________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Benefits of attaining this goal____________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Action plan _________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Ongoing goals (check off the ones as you accomplish them)
______ Read my vision statement daily (upon awakening or before bed)
______ Chart my moods in the Monthy Mood Diary
______ This was my average mood on the better mood scale.
How was my mood this week?
Record your moods below for each day of the week.
| Day | Mood | Comments |
| Mon | ||
| Tue | ||
| Wed | ||
| Thu | ||
| Fri | ||
| Sat | ||
| Sun |
1 Techniques for responding to the negative voices from the subconscious are covered in my books Words That Heal and Listening to Your Inner Voice.
2 Unfortunately, this measuring ourselves by external markers and standards is rampant in the culture. Growing up, we are conditioned to base our self worth on our looks, how well we do in school, our popularity or skill in sports. Later on, it's how much money we make, the model of the car, the size of the home, the status of the job, etc.
3 From Fanning, Patrick and McKay Matthew, Self-Esteem, pg. 34.
4 From the jacket of Still Me by Christoper Reeve, New York, Random House, 1998.