Chapter Seven
GOD IS MY ANTIDEPRESSANT
“Scientific prayer or spiritual treatment is really the lifting of your consciousness above the level where you have met your problem. If only you can rise high enough in thought, the problem will then solve itself.”
—Emmet Fox, “What Is Scientific Prayer?”
“Ask and you shall receive. Seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks, it shall be opened.”
—Matthew 7:7-8
By this point you have probably asked the question, “Why doesn't that poor fellow just take some Prozac and put an end to his misery? Affer all, ever since their discovery after World War II, antidepressants have become the first line of treatment for clinical de-pression, and for good reason—they work. All of my fellow patients at the day treatment center were on some combination of drugs—usually an average of three to five medications—which were constantly being readjusted and fine-tuned. Sometimes an entire regime would be stopped, and a host of new antidepressants would be tried. Many patients were periodically readmitted to the hospital so that the new medications could be carefully monitored. In the long run, all of this tinkering offered a tentative peace, and in some instances a marked improvement of mood.
My own experience with antidepressants, however, had a far different outcome. I began with the well-known SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors), Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil. Unfortunately, each of them made me feel as if I had received intravenous shots of double espresso. I later discovered that I had experienced a phenomenon called “SSRI overstimulation.” It seems that certain anxiety-prone individuals may experience a transient excitation, often described as a speedy sensation, when they first take an SSRI drug such as Prozac or Zoloft. In some instances, this reaction can result in a full-blown panic attack.1 Later I learned that starting out on minute doses of a medication can decrease the intensity of this stimulation. But the standard quantities I was taking at the time made me far too agitated and anxious.
I then turned to the older tricyclic antidepressants, which for many people are just as effective as the SSRIs, at one-tenth the cost.2 Yet aside from Elavil, which sedated me so that I could sleep, they too failed to diminish my symptoms.
Finally, it was on to the MAOI inhibitors, Nardil and Parnate, which are hardly used these days because of their dietary restrictions. Once again, I felt nothing except a racing heart and some bizarre hallucinations. In total, I experimented with about fifteen antidepressants, including some of the newer drugs such as Wellbutrin, Luvox, Serzone and Remeron—all of which failed to produce the expected results.
I specifically remember being jealous of the manic depressives at day treatment because they had a magic bullet—lithium—that miraculously evened out their moods. I found no such biochemical panacea that would heal my symptoms.
Finally, I asked my psychiatrist for an explanation.
“You have a case of treatment-resistant depression,” he said. (This is also known as refractory depression.)
“What does that mean?”
“It means that your type of depression is not helped by our available medications. Although 80-90% of patients benefit from antidepressants, a small minority do not—either because they can't handle the side effects or because they simply don't respond to the drugs.”
“If antidepressants don't work for me, is there another way to heal?”
“I would try ECT.”
ECT (electroconvulsive therapy), commonly known as electric shock therapy, is the treatment of last resort for clinical depression. In ECT, the brain is stimulated with a strong electrical current which induces a kind of epileptic seizure. In a manner that is not clearly understood, this seizure rearranges the brain's chemistry, resulting in an elevation of mood.
Like many people, I was put off by the gruesome reputation of ECT (as popularized in the movie “One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest”)—until I saw it heal my mother of a life-threatening depression. My partner Joan's aunt, who suffers from manic depression, was also stabilized by ECT, as were a number of patients at day treatment. I thought to myself, “If electricity can jump-start a stalled heart, why can't the same current be used to heal a sick brain?”
Intrigued, I consulted a number of medical journals and learned that ECT is very effective in certain types of major depression and mania.3 Nonetheless, I was terrified at the prospect of having my brain zapped with a lightning bolt and then waking up with a blistering headache and not remembering what I had for breakfast. (One of the significant side effects of ECT is short-term memory loss, especially for events that occur around the time of the treatments.) Thus, I was in no way disappointed when the doctor who evaluated me for ECT said that because of my nervous system's hypersensitivity, he was reluctant to try the procedure.4
I returned to Dr. Stark with my findings.
“Medication doesn't seem to work, and I'm not considered a good candidate for ECT,” I moaned.
“That leaves prayer,” he replied.
“Praying Hands” by Albrecht Dürer
Actually, I already was following Dr. Stark's advice. For the past four months, I had been placing weekly prayer requests in the prayer boxes at the Living Enrichment Center. Adele, one of the prayer volunteers, had taken a personal interest in my case and was writing back to me once a week. Concerned about the gravity of my condition, Adele contacted the Reverend Eddy Brame, head of pastoral counseling at LEC, and told her of my predicament. Shortly afterwards, I received a call from Eddy.
“When one of our congregants was dying of cancer,” Eddy explained, “we decided to bring all of her supporters—her family, friends, minister, physicians, and social worker—together in one room. Their combined prayers created a powerful healing energy that allowed Carol to live far longer than anyone expected. I think that the same principle might work for you.
“Mary, myself, and members of the prayer ministry would like to schedule a meeting with you on Monday, July 14 at 4:00 P.M. in Mary's office. Can you attend and bring members of your personal support team?”
Answered Prayers
Here is one of the many letters I received from the LEC prayer ministry in response to my weekly prayer requests.
April 20, 1997
Dear Douglas,
Thank you for trusting your prayer request to the Living Enrichment Center Prayer Ministry. We are praying with you and for you, knowing and accepting that God's grace is guiding you toward a complete healing from depression and anxiety. We see you making the best choices and with God's loving guidance, moving into health, joy, and vitality.
On a separate page we have enclosed an affirmation that can support you in knowing the truth. As we put our focus on God and the Divine qualities of wholeness, balance, creativity, peace and oneness, we know that transformation occurs. As you repeat your affirmation, know that there are many others supporting you in prayer.
Blessings,
Adele
Affirmation
My body is a holy temple, infused with Divine intelligence. Every organ, cell and tissue is bathed in the revitalizing power of spirit.
The power to experience miracles is in me now. I open my mind to the healing love of God.
The invitation could not have come at a better time. By the early summer of 1997, I was truly desperate. My depressive episode was now in its tenth month, and during the prior ninety days my anxiety and depression had reached all-time highs—eclipsing the dark days of November and December. In pursuit of relief, I had tried every conventional and alternative treatment I could find, including:
- Sitting at the feet of, and being blessed by, two Tibetan monks who were disciples of the Dalai Lama.
- Receiving a soul retrieval, a shamanic healing, and a series of acupuncture treatments.
- Ingesting Chinese herbs, homeopathic remedies, megadoses of vitamins and a panoply of antidepressants.
Despite my concerted efforts at finding a traditional and/or alternative cure, I still remained trapped in the black hole of depression. “What have I got to lose?” I thought. I told Eddy that I would accept her invitation. I now had three weeks to prepare for what I believed was my last hope for survival.
The “God5 Meetings”
“We do not come to grace; grace comes to us.”
As the time of the meeting with the LEC ministers drew nearer, I suggested to my partner Joan that we spend a day in retreat at a Trappist monastery located in the small town of Lafayette, Oregon, twenty miles southwest of Portland. Thomas Merton had been one of my spiritual mentors and I hoped that spending time in his order might be a source of inspiration to me. It was one of those glorious Oregon summer days that almost compensates for the other nine months of interminable rain. We arrived at the monastery at mid-day, and spent the afternoon hiking the lovely grounds. Afterwards, I wandered into the library, where I stumbled upon an audio tape by ayurvedic physician Deepak Chopra, whose books on holistic health and spirituality were all the rage in the United States. In his talk, Chopra asserted that the brain had its own “internal pharmacy,” as evidenced by its ability to manufacture painkilling endorphins.
“There really is such a thing as healing from within,” I thought. “If only I could find a way to access my body's natural healing system.” I walked to the chapel next door, got down on my knees, and prayed for such a healing.
The following day, Monday, July 14, did not begin auspiciously. I woke up in my normal agitated state and barely made it to day treatment for the morning groups. After lunch, I returned home, where I met Joan and my friend Stuart. At 3:00 P.M. we drove out to LEC, just avoiding Portland's daily rush hour traffic madness.
The Reverend Mary Morrissey's spacious office was located on LEC's ninety-five-acre campus on the second floor of the main building. Pictures of Jesus, Buddha and other spiritual teachers adorned the walls, complemented by a large magnolia tree which bloomed outside a picture window. Mary had arranged the chairs and couches in a circular pattern around a glass coffee table, at the center of which sat an angelic figurine. Ten other individuals were present besides Stuart, Joan and myself—six staff people from LEC (including three ministers), a minister friend from a local Unity church, the leader of my men's group, my therapist, Pat, and Judy, the social worker. I was deeply moved that twelve people had taken time out of their busy schedules to support me.
Mary facilitated the meeting in a straightforward fashion. She began by leading us in an affirmative prayer, taken from the writings of New Thought writer Jack Addington:
There is no power in conditions;
There is no power in situations;
There is only power in God;
Almighty God within me right now.
There is no person, place, thing, condition or circumstance that can interfere with the perfect right action of God Almighty within me right now.
I am pure spirit, living in a spiritual world.
All things are possible to God through me.
Mary then asked the participants to introduce themselves, recount how they had met me, and describe their thoughts on the ultimate outcome of my ordeal. As people shared their perceptions, a common theme emerged—everyone affirmed that I could be healed of my affliction. Although I disagreed with their prognosis, I was moved by the unanimity of their faith.
When my turn arrived, I briefly recounted the history of my depressive episode as well as my present feelings of hopelessness and despair. Normally, I would have stopped there, but the previous day Mary had given an inspired sermon on “the mental equivalent.” This is an ancient metaphysical principle which states that before something can manifest in the outer world, there must first exist an idea or “mental equivalent” of it in the world of thought. I complimented Mary on her talk and said that I wished to create a mental equivalent of what wellness would look and feel like for me. The group embraced my idea, and so I asked each participant to join with me in affirming my picture of wholeness over the next thirty days. I promised to write out my vision and send it to the members by the end of the week. The plan was that every day (preferably at 9:00 A.M.) each person would read my vision statement while picturing me as whole and well. The meeting ended with a prayer of thanksgiving.
The Rebirth Statement
I left the group feeling nurtured by the loving attention I had received, but without any sense that a healing had taken place. If anything, things seemed to get worse, as my anxiety increased over the next two days. Then, on Thursday morning, July 17 (ironically, my thirteenth wedding anniversary), I awoke with a clarity and a peace that I had not experienced in five months. The normal symptoms of intense agitation and feelings of hopelessness were totally absent. I felt as if a dark cloud had lifted.
I could scarcely believe it. “Is this a miracle or a mirage?” I asked myself. I had experienced other remissions, but they had usually lasted only two or three days (the longest I had gone without symptoms was ten days in February). Grateful for what little peace I did have, I spent the afternoon walking with a friend through the holy grounds of the Grotto, a local Catholic shrine dedicated to the Virgin Mary.
The next day I faxed my rebirth statement to the ministers at LEC and to the rest of my support team. The opening lines read:
With help from God, I am reborn to a new life. I have learned the lessons that the anxiety and depression came to teach and thus have fully and freely released these symptoms from my body/mind. They are replaced by inner peace, emotional stability, vitality, wholeness, wellness and joy. My brain chemistry is stabilized and in perfect balance. I am healed and made whole.
The remainder of Friday passed without symptoms. That evening, I recorded in my mood diary that my anxiety and depression had dropped below a “2” on my symptom rating scale. (This was my psychiatrist's definition of remission.) In my journal I wrote, “I actually feel good. There is no pain to bear, no suffering to endure.” A person who has not lived with chronic, debilitating anxiety and depression cannot fully appreciate what it feels like to be liberated from one's anguish. For me it was as if a ten-month migraine headache had suddenly ceased.
On Saturday, July 19, I hiked to Multnomah Falls with a friend and watched the full moon rise over Mt. Hood. “I haven't seen you this well since your illness began,” Kathleen joyfully observed. Sunday morning I attended church and spoke with Mary Morrissey about my remission. Referring to the support group, Mary exclaimed, “That was a ‘God meeting!’”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I could feel the presence of spirit fill the room with love and peace.”6
“So what do you think is happening?”
“I sense that you are having a spiritual healing.”
For the next twenty-one days, I continued to experience a life without anxiety and depression. Then, exactly four weeks after the God meeting, I experienced a relapse, brought on by a recurrence of cellulitis—a severe infection of the soft tissue in my lower leg—and an unexpected separation from a close friend (once again, loss triggered a depressive episode). For a brief time, the old symptoms returned and I was back in the inferno as my depression and anxiety levels skyrocketed to “8” and above. Fortunately, a second support meeting had been scheduled for August 26, just two weeks away. Because I believed that the “injection of Light” from the first meeting had catalyzed my remission, I had faith that my symptoms would end as soon as I met with my support team. Although I was in great pain, I was no longer hopeless about my recovery.
At the second God meeting, people commented that I had clearly improved (there were now fourteen people besides myself who attended). Members of the group remarked that even with the relapse, I seemed more vital, less agitated, and more lighthearted. I read my rebirth statement aloud and received helpful feedback on how to make it stronger and more definite. By the next day, my mood had once again improved. My rebirth statement was taking form.
Subsequently, Mary scheduled our God meetings once a month so that I might receive regular “injections” of spiritual energy.7 With each new dose of Light, I became stronger and more stable. By the conclusion of the third God meeting in September, my mood swings had ceased. I no longer contemplated suicide. My sense of humor returned. I was able to concentrate and to spend long periods of time by myself. I no longer needed shifts of people to monitor and keep track of me. In short, my depression and anxiety had healed without drugs or other conventional medical treatment (see graph below).
Three additional God meetings were held at LEC in October, November and December. At the October meeting, the group supported me in disposing of the tranquilizers I had saved for a future suicide attempt. The male members accompanied me to the men's room, where we emptied several hundred tablets into a large ceramic container. Then, each of us blessed the pills and dropped them, one handful at a time, into the toilet bowl. After a prayer of thanksgiving, we flushed them into oblivion.
At the November gathering, the group and I created another potent ritual. I burned the suicide note I had written the previous year, but not before photocopying it. On the back of the duplicate copy I wrote the following:
The words on this sheet were written at the depth of my depression. I am keeping a record of them so that if I ever experience this state again, I can remind myself that no matter how bad things look or feel, there is always a reason for hope. I now let go of the despair expressed in this note and replace it with thoughts of hope and optimism. I turn the page on the past and begin a new chapter of my life.
Each group member added his or her words of affirmation and encouragement to make the blessing complete.
During this three-month period, I continued to submit my weekly requests for healing, which were prayed over by the LEC prayer team and the entire ministerial staff. By the year's end, my support team felt that I was stable enough to continue the God meetings without the help of the church. My first reaction to the prospect of losing the church's support was that of fear. Fortunately, my therapist Pat assured me that I was well enough to make it on my own. The God meetings have since continued in my home as “Master Mind groups” in which group members both give and receive spiritual support (see page 279 for more about this).
Because my healing was not caused by a physical substance, it is difficult to substantiate what occurred. No one photographed or recorded the doses of spiritual light I received. I possess no X-rays depicting that a cancerous tumor had shrunk. Neither did I throw away my crutches or “take up my bed and walk.” And yet it was clear that something miraculous had taken place.
There is a story in the Gospel of John in which the disciples, after seeing a man who was blind from birth, asked Jesus, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.” Likewise, on some level, I believe I was stricken with depression so that spirit could work a miracle in and through me—and that others could witness it.
From Despair to Gratitude
No matter how hopeless things seem or feel, each new day brings the opportunity for a new beginning. To reinforce this attitude, I made a photocopy of the suicide note I had written in 1996 and then inscribed a new set of affirmative statements at the bottom of the sheet. Below, I have replicated both the note and a letter I wrote to myself which contains the new beliefs.
To my friends and family Nov 12 1996
I know that this is wrong, but I am no longer endure the pain of living with this mental illness, further hospitalizations will not help, or my condition is too deep seated and advanced. So up root.
Or some deeper level, I know that my work on the planet is finished and that it is time to move on.
Daylas
A reminder to myself, 11-20-97
The words on this sheet were written at the depth of my depression. I am keeping a record of them so that if I ever experience this state again, I can remind myself that no matter how bad things look or feel, there is always a reason for hope.
I now let go of the despair expressed in this note and replace it with thoughts of hope and optimism. I turn the page on the past and begin a new chapter of my life.
The Power of Prayer
At the height of my illness, Mary Morrissey had said, “There is a power within you that is greater than any condition you may face. If you ask that Higher Power for its assistance, help is available.”
The healing power of prayer was not a new idea to me. The spiritual tradition of Unity and other New Thought metaphysical schools teach what is called “affirmative prayer”—a process of building and affirming an inward consciousness of what one desires. When this inner picture manifests in the external world, it is called a “demonstration.” I had demonstrated many things in my life—a new car, a lovely home, a book contract (even a pair of tickets to a sold-out Grateful Dead concert)—but never a healing of this magnitude. Fortunately, I was graced with a group of dedicated people who collectively held a vision of my wellness.
It is my belief that the key “ingredient” in my healing was the presence of group energy. I had met and prayed with Mary Morrissey many times; I had prayed with other ministers and members of the prayer team, as well as with my therapist—and still I continued to decline. It wasn't until someone said, “Let's put all of your support people together in one room” that the healing power of prayer became fully activated. The combined prayers and positive thoughts of the group members set up a spiritual energy field through which Divine Love moved and healed my body and soul.8
Given the fact that many cases of depression have been known to resolve on their own, some doctors have suggested that I might have recovered without any spiritual intervention. Nonetheless, I choose to believe that my healing was a Divine blessing. During my illness, a good friend had given me a book about the apparition of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes and the subsequent healings that had followed. I knew that a similar miracle was occurring in my life when, on the drive home from the second God meeting, Joan, Stuart and I witnessed four magnificent rainbows illuminating the Oregon afternoon sky. Referring to Noah's encounter with the rainbow after the Flood, and God's promise of reconciliation, Stuart exclaimed, “This is just like living in the Bible!” And so it was.
Michelangelo's “The Creation of Adam”
The Power of Support
It was not only God who healed me; it was people. One cannot overcome an illness like major depression (or any dark night of the soul experience) by oneself. The weight of the agony is too immense, even for the strongest-willed individual, to bear alone.
During my illness, two people close to me, a previous therapist and a fellow student of metaphysics, committed suicide in the midst of similar bouts of depression. The cause of their tragedies, I believe, lies in the words of Spanish philosopher Miguel de Unamuno, who said, “Isolation is the worst possible counsel.” My friends had retreated into environments in which they were cut off from family, friends and therapeutic assistance. Fortunately, many people in the Portland area extended themselves to me—the staff and patients at day treatment, my partner Joan, countless friends, and the prayer ministry of LEC. Without them I would not have survived.
In a recent special aired on National Public Radio, Mike Wallace, William Styron and Art Buchwald spoke candidly about their depressions and about the lifeline of support that developed among them during their episodes. (All three were living on Martha's Vineyard at the time of their ordeals.) In his acknowledgment of Art Buchwald's support, Styron said:
I have to give Art credit. He was the Virgil to our Dante. Because he'd been there [in hell] before, like Virgil. And he really charted the depths, and so it was very, very useful to have Art on the phone, because we needed it. Because this is a new experience for everyone, and it's totally—it's totally terrifying. And you need someone who has been there to give you parameters and an understanding of where you're going.
In my depressive state, I did not have a Buchwald—a brother or sister survivor who had been to hell and back—who could assure me of my future deliverance.9 What I did have, however, was a committed group of individuals who “kept the high watch” by holding a vision of my healing until it came to pass. And so I learned the lesson that is granted to survivors of emotional and physical trauma: when Divine love heals us, it most often comes through the healing love of other people.
As I read over the description of my recovery, I feel moved to add an important postscript. Just because spiritual intervention was a catalyst for my recovery, it doesn't mean that this is the path for everyone. For some people, healing may come from finding the right medication or nutritional supplement; for others, it may be through falling in love or pursuing a passion. Since the majority of people who are treated for depression eventually get better (i.e., most depressions are episodic), if you can endure the pain and set a strong intention to get well, you will likely be graced by some healing modality that works for you. (The key is to hang on until the pattern of the illness shifts.)
In addition, many people have observed that I attracted a particularly large support network of committed people. While this is true, I believe that support is available to anyone who earnestly seeks it. Potential resources include family; friends; co-workers; mental health professionals; one's church, synagogue, or other place of worship; 12-step meetings; 24-hour crisis lines; and telephone prayer lines (listed in Appendix C).
Even with the many resources that are available, some people feel too ashamed, shy or anxious to reach out for help. If asking for assistance seems hard, please reconsider calling someone, even if it is a crisis line. Reaching out will make a real difference in your recovery. I promise.
Dante and Beatrice experience the beatific vision in the conclusion of “Paradisio,” from Dante's Divine Comedy. The poet wrote, “A light there is in the beyond which makes the creator visible to the creature, who only in beholding him finds peace.” The artist is Gustave Dore.
1 Raskin, Valerie, When Words Are Not Enough, New York, Broadway Books, 1997, p. 99.
2 Erica Goode, “New and Old Antidepressants Are Found Equal,” New York Times, March 19, 1999, pg. A1.
3 A more detailed description of ECT and how it works can be found in Chapter 11, “Therapeutic Interventions When Things Are Falling Apart.”
4 There are two “milder forms” of brain stimulation called RTMS and Vagus Nerve Stimulation. They are being explored as alternatives to ECT and are discussed in Chapter 11.
5 Throughout this and subsequent chapters, I will be using the term “God” to describe a Higher Power or creative intelligence that infuses the universe. If the traditional concept of God seems alien to you, you may wish to think of such ideas as the vastness of the human spirit, an intelligent order in nature, the life force, creative inspiration, or qualities such as goodness, truth, love, beauty, peace, justice, etc. The words we use are less important than the universal reality they describe.
6 The other people I spoke with at LEC said that they too had sensed a Light and a lightness of being in the room that day.
7 This is similar to what occurs in conventional treatment for major depression, where patients who have been treated with electroconvulsive therapy receive monthly “maintenance” doses of ECT to prevent relapse.
8 In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus tells his disciples, “Where two or three are gathered together in my name [i.e., my nature], there am I [Divine consciousness] in the midst of them.” In the Jewish religion, the power of group consciousness is the rationale for a minyan—a minimum of ten Jews that is required for a communal religious service.
9 For a cassette copy of the radio program A Conversation with Mike Wallace, Art Buchwald and William Styron, call the Dana Alliance for Brain Initiatives at (800) 65-BRAIN.