Date: Thursday, 11/20/69

I took a long walk into Town today, but the long way around. I found a path that cuts through neighborhoods and keeps me off the highway. The dogs aren’t too happy to see me. They don’t frighten me. That is one of the major lessons of long distance running—don’t be afraid of the dogs.

I wanted to see Lauren. Of all the people I know here, she seemed the best one to talk to. I don’t know what to do about Charles. The image of Charles and Tony shooting up between the parked cars in DC haunts me. That scene has entered into the album of memories like when they wheeled Pops out of the house covered in his own blood. He tried to kill himself. I don’t care that no one ever said those precise words; we all knew that was what he did.

Seeing Charles huddled with Tony, their faces waxed over from the drugs, they were like Pops trying to kill himself.

Why does Charles need to do this? Doesn’t he know that he is playing Russian Roulette? This is such crazy behavior.

I talked a bit to Alex today about how things were changing in my body and how the changes affected my running. In his Alex way, he smiled at me and said, “Things don’t stay the same forever, Scags, they change and then become the new normal. Don’t worry. Just keep running. Okay?”

He sees simple answers to every problem.

By the time I got to the Day Care Center, I was so angry I wanted to pick a fight. I’m never like that. I wanted to yell at those kids to go home so I could talk to Lauren.

She must have seen how upset I was because when I walked in the door, she said, “Sit down. Cool off. I’ll make you some tea.”

She walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on the stove. She got the kids busy with their project and made us tea.

The steam felt good on my face and in my nose. I took a few deep breaths to slow down my heart which was racing like crazy.

She looked over the top of her cup and said, “I’m glad you’re back.” Then I remembered, I hadn’t seen her since I returned from DC.

I felt like a selfish ass. I had barged in with no warning I was coming and no word from me in a week.

She has become that good friend I wanted. I know I blushed. I felt the redness on my cheeks and neck.

“We missed you. It’s not often that someone from the College makes such a big impression on the kids so quickly. You were an instant success here.”

I didn’t know what to say. I liked feeling special.

She told me how they were using the stick puppets to teach the kids all kinds of things. I felt flattered to have made a contribution already.

After hearing that amount of praise, I didn’t want to burden her with the story I had come to tell her. But having primed the pump, I couldn’t stop myself. No one at the College wonders about what my life is really like, not even Charles, though he knows more than most people do.

With Lauren it all came flowing out like a gusher of information, probably more than she will ever remember. The children playing kept the noise level high enough that I had no fear they would hear what I said. Their chatter was a natural sound barrier. Once I got through the part where my father tried to kill himself, the rest was easier to tell.

She sat still and near me. I couldn’t look her in the eyes. I couldn’t let her reactions to what I was saying influence what was coming out of me.

I almost forgot that I had come to talk to her about Charles and his drug use. That part came out too. Then I could look her in the eye.

“Everyone in Town knows that the students use drugs. Because of their being users, the high school kids here have become involved in drugs too. At least that is what the parents want to believe.”

“What do you think?” I asked her.

“I think it is more complicated than that. I think there isn’t enough for the kids to do here so they need to find something. I hate the drag racing because that kills more of them than the drugs have. Going out in a blaze of glory seems truly stupid and a waste to me.”

“Taking drugs is a waste too, don’t you think?” I couldn’t withhold telling her I had dropped acid.

She looked at me with concern but I assured her that was the first and the last of it. No more drugs for me. I mean it too.

I began crying again. I cried because I want things to work out between Charles and me but I don’t know how to talk to him about that.

I said, “You don’t know Charles but we don’t have these kinds of conversations very well. I love him but can’t be involved with a drug addict.”

She patted my shoulder and stood up. She had to get back to the children and I had to walk over to Charles’ and see if we could work this whole mess out.

That’s where I am now. Waiting for Charles to get home. I hope I do this the right way and don’t mess it up. What I realized while talking to Lauren is that I do love him and want him but not if he is going to do drugs. That seems simple enough, right?